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  #1  
September 25th, 2012, 09:42 AM
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so since DH gave BM an extra 100$ last month ontop of her CS he took 75$ off of this months CS, she seemed fine with it.. but a few days ago I guess she asked for more "help" I'm not sure what he told her but she was texting him asking when he would know how much he could send .. he never replied her, so for the last two days he's tried to call to talk to the kids since he's going to work today and won't have time to call them while he's at work for the next two weeks.. she text back last night saying they were in bed.. which is bull crap since it was super early and I know she doesn't have a set bedtime for them.. so its like she's punishing him for not giving her more money...
he did tell me last night that we're not ordering any new clothes or toys for them from wal-mart to send to her because he knows she will just take them back for cash, he said we'll buy them things from stores she doesn't have there and take the tags off. I'm glad he finally see's the light lol
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  #2  
September 25th, 2012, 01:03 PM
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What a douchecanoe.
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  #3  
September 25th, 2012, 03:10 PM
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Wow.
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  #4  
September 25th, 2012, 04:30 PM
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I'd put in a rule that no extra money changes hands. If she needs specific things, get them and mail them. It will only get worse as it goes on.
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  #5  
September 25th, 2012, 07:41 PM
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Is what he did legal? Like isn't the extra $100 he gave her considered a gift? Not trying to be a douche but if we've learned anything lately it's that they've started to read and any twerp can file a motion and waste your time.
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  #6  
September 25th, 2012, 08:40 PM
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i think if she needs extra money it should be given in a material non returnable way. no CS passes hands in our house. if BM needs something we make sure she has it. Like when C had a bad rash we gave her some diapers just to see if thats what it was. She doesnt ask for much so I cant complain. Good luck, glad to see he sees it your way.
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  #7  
September 26th, 2012, 10:08 AM
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they have never anything through the courts, but we've kept records of EVERYTHING so if she ever does, she can't say he hasn't being paying.

she filed on him a few years ago but when she learned that since he had them on his insurance she would lose medicaid for them and have to pay a co pay and would lose her food stamps and other benefits because she would have to claim his CS she dropped it.
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Last edited by stresswife; September 26th, 2012 at 10:12 AM.
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  #8  
September 26th, 2012, 11:56 AM
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I have to agree with the no more extra money rule. If it's something she needs, buy it for her. I hate that crap. BM used to try that all the time. DH used to give in until the day she took him to court and made him pay support for a time frame he already paid for. She would also pull stupid stunts like withhold dsd as a punishment. Ughhh I loath some of these darn women.
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  #9  
September 26th, 2012, 11:58 AM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I definitely agree, get the stuff and mail it to her and take tags off. Even if you still purchase things from Walmart to save money, have them sent to you, take the tags off, then send them to her.

It's not fair to the kids that she's withholding them from him because she can't manage her money... they'll eventually see what she's doing and resent her for it.
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  #10  
September 26th, 2012, 01:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollydawn View Post
i think if she needs extra money it should be given in a material non returnable way. no CS passes hands in our house. if BM needs something we make sure she has it. Like when C had a bad rash we gave her some diapers just to see if thats what it was. She doesnt ask for much so I cant complain. Good luck, glad to see he sees it your way.
Wait. Your DF doesn't have a court order for CS? No financial contribution at all? He's going to get hosed if she ever takes him to court on a whim or if she gets pissed off enough. He needs a court order to protect himself.

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Originally Posted by stresswife View Post
they have never anything through the courts, but we've kept records of EVERYTHING so if she ever does, she can't say he hasn't being paying.

she filed on him a few years ago but when she learned that since he had them on his insurance she would lose medicaid for them and have to pay a co pay and would lose her food stamps and other benefits because she would have to claim his CS she dropped it.
Wait, she's getting food stamps and not claiming her CS as income? That's like, illegal.
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  #11  
September 26th, 2012, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Wait. Your DF doesn't have a court order for CS? No financial contribution at all? He's going to get hosed if she ever takes him to court on a whim or if she gets pissed off enough. He needs a court order to protect himself.



Wait, she's getting food stamps and not claiming her CS as income? That's like, illegal.
I dunno if that's directed at Holly or Sam but since it's Sam's thread and she said there's nothing in the court; in some states unless there's an order any monies exchanged are considered gifts. If you get a nice judge they will take that (your records and efforts to assist the children financially) into consideration but legally it doesn't count. Then again she's filed and dropped it already so maybe she won't do it again?

She might also be committing insurance fraud if he has them insured and she's using medicaid and not declaring third party insurance. But I think in this case if Sam's husband doesn't have a CS order on the books, what he pays isn't legally considered CS and she doesn't have to claim ****.
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  #12  
September 26th, 2012, 03:14 PM
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I can't speak for the rest of it but I know for a fact that in Illinois, if there's no cs order in place the non-custodial parent isn't responsible. If the custodial parent takes them to court, they are only bound to the future payments - child support is not retroactive if there is no order.
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  #13  
September 26th, 2012, 03:39 PM
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I agree that there shouldn't be anything changing hands that isn't ordered, especially given the other crazy your dh's ex has pulled in the past.
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  #14  
September 26th, 2012, 04:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I can't speak for the rest of it but I know for a fact that in Illinois, if there's no cs order in place the non-custodial parent isn't responsible. If the custodial parent takes them to court, they are only bound to the future payments - child support is not retroactive if there is no order.
It's the opposite in Wi, support is back due to the day the papers were filed. Which sucked, divorce decree says no support was due until the day of the hearing, but yet the state sent him a $6000 bill that took almost a year to fix. What made matters worse is he'd been paying her 17% of his pay checks the whole time, and when he tried to tell them that they told him "that's a gift, you still owe it." So he fought it the hard way.
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  #15  
September 26th, 2012, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I can't speak for the rest of it but I know for a fact that in Illinois, if there's no cs order in place the non-custodial parent isn't responsible. If the custodial parent takes them to court, they are only bound to the future payments - child support is not retroactive if there is no order.
Same here. It used to be retroactive from birth when my eldest was a baby, but now it's only retroactive from the date of filing for support.
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  #16  
September 26th, 2012, 05:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I can't speak for the rest of it but I know for a fact that in Illinois, if there's no cs order in place the non-custodial parent isn't responsible. If the custodial parent takes them to court, they are only bound to the future payments - child support is not retroactive if there is no order.
Yep, the same here too. But they calculate arrearages based on when the complaint for support was filed to the date of the final order. If you have a case that takes some time or there's a backlog in the court system, you could file for support in January and not get a hearing till September and then you'd owe 9 months of support.

Still, even without a court order it bothers me when I hear that a man doesn't contribute financially. I hate the "well we buy everything that the child needs" when the child needs electricity and food and water and heat, etc.
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  #17  
September 26th, 2012, 06:10 PM
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Doh I'm dumb. Sam is married so of course you're talking to Hollydawn. Herp derp.

As for the whole money vs stuff thing if we could go back I'd gladly give R and M things vs money. Because for periods of time, both of the mothers had those children going without, wearing raggedy clothes, not having things for school or the gas/bus fare to get to appts because the child support money is gone and we're not always in a position to give them extra money. R's mom at least made an effort and a lot of times the money went to things R still benefited from. M's mom? Would waste money on losers and fun random crap (she buys things and sells them when she's hard up for cash and then runs out and buys them again at the first opportunity instead of thinking maybe I should save this for bills later...she doesn't see past the end of the week) and cell phones and things she couldn't afford. Or she'd run up credit card bills on random junk and still need her parents to buy diapers every week (her mom and dad alternated until he potty trained) and be asking my husband or I for money for the lights or the gas or water.

IF heaven forbid, when D gets back they decide to try M back with her instead of with us I'm going to be furious that we have to give her money she's not gonna see benefits M.
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  #18  
September 26th, 2012, 07:02 PM
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See. We've talked about this before and while I can see things from your perspective, I have to disagree with the things vs. money stance.

If a parent who receives child support misuses her money and then begs the paying parent for money for the kid(s) later, then I would say that that is evidence of the receiving parent being unfit. If I were paying, while it would be hard to do at first, I would not provide extra money. Even if it meant the lights got turned off. If the lights got turned off, then that's grounds for an emergency change in custody.

The fact is, once mom receives the money, even if she chooses unwisely, it's still her choice as to how she spends the money. If the child is neglected, then take the necessary steps to seek custody.
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  #19  
September 26th, 2012, 08:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
See. We've talked about this before and while I can see things from your perspective, I have to disagree with the things vs. money stance.

If a parent who receives child support misuses her money and then begs the paying parent for money for the kid(s) later, then I would say that that is evidence of the receiving parent being unfit. If I were paying, while it would be hard to do at first, I would not provide extra money. Even if it meant the lights got turned off. If the lights got turned off, then that's grounds for an emergency change in custody.

The fact is, once mom receives the money, even if she chooses unwisely, it's still her choice as to how she spends the money. If the child is neglected, then take the necessary steps to seek custody.
I'll agree with what you've said and acknowledge that the corkscrew of military service and different states makes any potential cases harder than it might be for everyone else here. I have to remember I'm coming from a different perspective than some.
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  #20  
September 26th, 2012, 10:01 PM
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DH had them on his insurance for a year but she refused to use it because she would have to pay the co pay and whatever the insurance didn't pay and she said that was "stupid when I can just have them on medicaid" so he took them off when he added Audrey and I because that made his insurance go up another 300$ and she refused to even accept the cards we had for them ..we're hoping she will move back to Texas so he can at least have some kind of legal mediation and agreement drawn up . she lives in wyoming and that is where she filed then she dropped it and moved to OK and hasn't bothered to do it again, she knows if she does she will have to pay her half for their travel to meet when they exchange the kids, I did a thing online where you can calculate what CS would be, its about 120 $ more than what we're paying now, but in the long run since she would have to pay her way instead of HIM paying for everything with the trip, she wouldn't really get much more if she filed, with his work schedule trying to go to court in wyoming is just not something we can do right now.
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