Attitudes flaring now I guess...

mom2more · #1 October 4th, 2012, 12:34 PM

After the failed airline ticket thing bm decided she should buy sd a formal dress for her next school dance and texted me pics of some she saw and asked for sd's size. I texted back and let her know that sd has a hard time with dresses fitting her right and really needs to try them on. Her size really varies between brands and styles. And even then some dresses are just not flattering or fitting right in all areas. I thought that was pretty self explanatory (don't buy her a dress!).

Nope..she bought and shipped one. And its from a store we don't even have in my state. Its not sd's style and its not flattering on her. So now we get to send it back. Looked up shipping rates and its about $9.30 to send it back. We should not have to pay for shipping on something we told her not to do, right?

So last night sd texted her that the dress didn't fit. BM said to return it. I texted her today telling her that I looked into sending it back to the stores returns department and told her how much it was. I said if she sent me the money I would send it back so her mom's credit card can get credited for the purchase. (It was sent to us directly from the website so it had the receipt thing in there that I can send back with it).

She responds and says she spent enough on the dress and will not be refunded for her shipping expenses to us and she doesn't have the money right now to pay us to send it back. I said no problem, there is a 30 day return policy so just get it to us before then and we will send it back. I know if I send it back she will get her $ back and still not give us the shipping money.

I don't feel like we should pay shipping because 1-we told her not to buy sd a dress and 2-she gives us no money for the kids and we pay for everything for them as it is.

Now bm's mom (who has usually been pleasant to me) texted me and told me that her daughter is really trying to be involved in her children's lives and we should be happy about that and doing everything we can to facilitate it. And she said that she already had to loan her daughter the money for the dress and she does not think it is a big deal if we pay the return shipping.

So I talked to hubby about it and we responded with the following:

We are doing our best to facilitate your daughters sudden interest in being part of the kids lives after almost 8 years. We have always tried to facilitate a relationship between her and the kids by pretty much allowing her access as often as she would like and setting up e-mails, Skype, and providing her with the kids activity schedules when she lived in state. She chose not to do anything on her part to have a relationship. She has also had all our phone #'s all these years as well as (SD's) cell # after she got one. (BM) on the other hand has moved without leaving forwarding contact information and chose to go for long periods without having anything to do with her children. We realize that now she is making an attempt, whether its because you are influencing her to do this or whether it is of her own free will, we are doing our best to facilitate it. The airline ticket thing was just not an option because we don't have the extra money and the kids have things going on over break which would prevent them for being there for the 2 week period she wanted.

We have always tried to help you continue a relationship with your grandchildren, even in your daughters absence and we will continue to do so.

We did tell her it was a bad idea to send a dress because (sd) needs to try things on and is not the same size in all dresses. (BM) did it anyways and like we had told her it ended up not fitting right. And we don't feel like we should pay for that mistake, we already pay for everything for the children. It is not an added expense we feel is necessary for us to pay. In the future if she would like to try to do something like that it would be best if she just sent sd a gift card to a store we had out here so (sd) could try things on and pick things that are her style.

We have not heard anything back from bm or her mother.

Ugghhh!! What a pain!

#2 October 4th, 2012, 01:41 PM

Nicely written and handled.

plan4fate · #3 October 4th, 2012, 04:26 PM

I agree with Katie.. that was very nicely handled!

Wisey · #4 October 4th, 2012, 04:48 PM

I agree with the others. You handled it nicely!

Keakie · #5 October 4th, 2012, 07:29 PM

I think you handled it well too.

K.A.T · #6 October 4th, 2012, 07:59 PM

Very well written. I liked how you handled it.

Ember Rose · #7 October 4th, 2012, 11:32 PM

I'll be odd man out/devil's advocate.

I would have tried to make the dress thing work. I would have seen what stores were in both your states and had her try things on and sent BM pics and been like this is what fits and what doesn't, styles and brands blah blah.

Whether or not her parents are pushing her to be involved or she's doing it on her own doesn't matter and you need to let it go. Because she's trying to be involved now and that's the end. Also the child support? If you're not going to take her to court for it let it go. You can't say it's not worth going after and then hold it against her.

Coming from the non custodial side what you're doing comes across as what is happening in our situation. Where you're not be obstructive but you're not being as helpful as you could be. The 5 love languages apply to relationships but I often find they apply to how people love in general. Words don't mean much between my stepson and my husband because neither of them are big talkers. It's all about what they do and DSS is more item orientated. DSD loves a good book but she can talk on the phone with her dad for HOURS. And it's not DH's thing but it's what his daughter loves so he does it. She's trying to find her groove with her kids and you have to let her do it or your stepdaughter is going to resent you.

w292737 · #8 October 5th, 2012, 07:25 AM

good reply!! I think you gave her fair replly before she bought a dress not to buy one and honeslty who doesn't think about buying something from a store you have local (or semi local) so you could have an exchange if needed.

also I don't know about your schools but the next formal or semi formal here won't be till prom. so what would the dress that was sent be worn for?

Admin-Rachel · #9 October 5th, 2012, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember Rose

Whether or not her parents are pushing her to be involved or she's doing it on her own doesn't matter and you need to let it go. Because she's trying to be involved now and that's the end. Also the child support? If you're not going to take her to court for it let it go. You can't say it's not worth going after and then hold it against her.

I agree with this. But I also agree that you shouldn't have to foot the bill for sending the dress back when you told her not to send it in the first place.

But I will have to disagree with Ember about the facilitating the dress thing. It's not like you knew she was going to send the dress, so I don't know what else you could have done. Plus, the mom used to live in your state, so I'm sure she knows what stores are there and what are not. So ...

Ember Rose · #10 October 5th, 2012, 08:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rachel

I agree with this. But I also agree that you shouldn't have to foot the bill for sending the dress back when you told her not to send it in the first place.

But I will have to disagree with Ember about the facilitating the dress thing. It's not like you knew she was going to send the dress, so I don't know what else you could have done. Plus, the mom used to live in your state, so I'm sure she knows what stores are there and what are not. So ...

I mentioned facilitating it because after spelling it out here she didn't mention giving her any alternatives. She just said she told her it wouldn't work. Maybe she's trying to create a memory with her daughter that she had. But the BM came up with two different things she was interested in and was shot down both times. Tell her what will work then. Be part of the solution. Some people are people of action. She wanted to DO something for her child. Work with her on it not against her.

mom2more · #11 October 5th, 2012, 08:47 AM

Ember I get what you are saying. And in our text back to BM's mom we suggested that they send a gift card next time so sd can go to the store and pick something out herself.

I am not sure if our situations are alike. Honestly though we have gone out of our way to try to facilitate a relationship with bm and her kids over the years. Like I mentioned in the text to bm's mom when bm moved out of state we set up email so the kids could email pics and messages with bm. We told her about it. We set up AOL messenger too. She barely used either. When Skype started we set it up so bm could see and talk to them. She didn't use it unless she was with her parents (she had a computer and internet at home though).

When bm lived near us we would give her the kids sport/activity schedules with plenty of notice so she could attend. But she didn't. For a while I tried calling her weekly and setting up a day the kids could go over there because she would never initiate visitation. I would drive them and pick them up. After a few times she started with excuses on why she was not able to see them. So I stopped trying.

We allowed the grandparents to have the kids many times when bm was not around and worked with them to make it happen. Last summer we let sd go there for weeks to stay with grandparents and see bm.

So we have tried to help. But if anyone should be going the extra mile to make things work it should be her, not us. She should have picked a dress from a store we had out here to send so it could be exchanged if she was going to go against what we said and send her one anyways.

If she wanted to be around for her kids and create memories maybe she should not have followed her boyfriend and constantly moved away from the kids and ignored them. We are not the reason she doesn't have a relationship with them.

My2miracles · #12 October 5th, 2012, 11:24 AM

I think it was well written & well handled.

We are the non-custodial parents of dh's kids and while dh pays a good amount in cs, I still would NEVER consider sending either of his dd's a dress - they are 14 & 18. Things like that have to be tried on & honestly picked by the person.

I think it's unreasonable of her to ask you to pay to return it. That should be her responsibility. I also don't think it was your responsibility to come up with alternatives for her. She could have thought of the gift card herself. She's a grown-up not a child.

mom2more · #13 October 6th, 2012, 08:10 AM

Thanks Kris. I pretty much feel the way you explained.

Ember Rose · #14 October 6th, 2012, 10:16 AM

I dunno. I guess I just feel like if she hasn't had a relationship with them for some time then she's not gonna know what works with them because she doesn't know them. So it's gonna be rocky at first and if you can give her some guidance why not?

My2miracles · #15 October 6th, 2012, 04:37 PM

Some of it's just common sense.

mom2more · #16 October 6th, 2012, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ember Rose

I dunno. I guess I just feel like if she hasn't had a relationship with them for some time then she's not gonna know what works with them because she doesn't know them. So it's gonna be rocky at first and if you can give her some guidance why not?

I think the part that she doesn't know her own kids speaks for itself. I don't think we should put more effort in helping her get to know her kids than she has put in trying to know them.

I guess if I thought she was serious about being there for them things might be different. But being around for her kids seems to be more of a phase she goes through on occasion. We have gave her guidance over and over again and she blew it by disappearing again. If she wants a chance again she is just going to have to be the one to put in the work. We won't block it or make it difficult, we just aren't going to do the work for her.