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  #21  
October 22nd, 2012, 09:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
I'd send him back with a 3 pack of chapstick but I'm a *****.

And based on the history I doubt Eric could not turn it off and not have it be a huge honking major problem in her eyes. She gets mad when she can't interrupt a meal time to talk to him for crying out loud. And half the time it's not to say anything. It's like she's afraid of him not needing her. If that's not a sign of insecurity I dunno what is. That's understandable because having to look the fact you let your addiction rob your kid of a home and stability isn't easy. But see a shrink don't run around acting like a lunatic. Because she's starting to alienate O as it is and as he gets older it's only gonna get worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I understand what everyone is saying about parents being parents all the time and I don't disagree. I will say that the derogatory-sounding use of terms like "steps" or "father's girlfriend" when most of us know SM2B is engaged/otherwise shown to be in a highly committed relationship with the father in question (and as we should also all be aware, she is hardly the only poster who is committed without being legally married) is really unnecessary and unhelpful.

It's extremely frustrating for me to watch a group that is intended to be a source of support for people in all walks of blended family life make such disparaging comments about one another.

SM2B, FWIW, the sunscreen thing would bother me too although for me it would bother me because of the comments she made a little while back about his "awful" sunburn. Her continuous insistence on putting the sunscreen on herself reeks of, "Eric is obviously not competent enough of a parent to do this, so I'm going to noticeably do it in front of him to demonstrate my superior prowess as a parent." For me it wouldn't be about switching on or off parenthood, stepping on toes, etc.
Both of you are so well spoken. Thank you so much for your words. The fact of the matter is I get that she is his mom. I love that she is in a stable place and back in his life.

But CO-parenting is not about racing to be the first one to lather O in sunscreen. It's about accepting that each is fit to care for O during their time. The C/O actually says both parents agree the other is of sound mind and fit to care for the minor child in question.

When we show up to the game with a cooler full of drinks and sun screen and bug spray, her rushing to be the one to put it on O just comes off as us not knowing how to take care of him.

I get that he was "horribly burnt" after the water part. I get that shes concerned now. But had she said, "Sorry, mom instincts kicking in again, have you guys sprayed him down yet? I brought some just in case," it would have gone over a lot better.

"Just in case i dont get there in time to spray him" suggests we are incapable of properly caring for him.

I get not turning off the fact that youre a parent. There were many times where Eric wanted to parent O at his last game. But the fact of the matter is O knows whose week it is. At practice, during our week, he NEVER goes to his mom for anything. Whenever they say go take a break he comes directly to me. And vice versa. Its all part of him being secure and stable. If each parent steps in and does things the other parent should be doing before they get a chance he's going to get in his mind that the other parent isnt capable.

The comment she made about the sunscreen was right in front of O. So in his mind now, SHE is the one who is protecting him against sun burn.

At his first game, even though we had a cooler packed full of drinks, whenever he'd come to get water, she'd shove her water in his face. He actually stopped her after 2 times and said, "My dad brought me water its in the cooler."

If last week we had sprayed him with sunscreen before she remembered to, she would have thrown a fit. It's not about turning off being a parent. It's about her wanting the control.

And again, this was just a vent. She's already said she'd drop the clothes by. We're not going to address the sunscreen aside from a "Heres yours back, we actually have our own but thanks." I still find her quite pleasant at his practices and don't mind having to see her 3 a week, which, for me, is HUGE progress.

And Keakie, I know we have had our ups and downs, but thank you so much for what you said. I consider myself O's stepmom. We'd run out to the courthouse tomorrow if we thought it was necessary, but we feel that the 4 1/2 months until the wedding isn't going to kill us, lol. Truth be told, theyve been living with me since April 2011, and O calls me his stepmom. A piece of paper won't change that.
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  #22  
October 22nd, 2012, 09:23 PM
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Honestly the more you talk about her the more she seems to be struggling. She seems to feel guilty. And that's to be expected. But something about managing those feelings of guilt should have been in her aftercare post rehab. Like she can't make everyone else deal with HER feelings. SHE have to deal with them.
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Last edited by Ember Rose; October 22nd, 2012 at 09:37 PM. Reason: Wrong pronouns...whoops.
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  #23  
October 22nd, 2012, 09:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
Honestly the more you talk about her the more she seems to be struggling. She seems to feel guilty. And that's to be expected. But something about managing those feelings of guilt should have been in her aftercare post rehab. Like she can't make everyone else deal with HER feelings. SHE have to deal with them.
She was last drunk (that we know of) November 16th. O said she also had wine on thanksgiving. BUT, her LAST DAY of outpatient rehab was Jan 19th.

I dont think she got enough follow up care. I think she wanted so badly to get back to her life that she just passed on any further counseling.

She very much feels that since she apologized, it erases everything she's done. While we all can move on, she needs to realize that O did bond with his dad and I during the 8 months we had him full time. Also, he isnt 6 years old anymore, she needs to let him grow up. We've been told he is not the most mature for his age, and no doubt that is her doing.

I know she is not enjoying the new relationship she has with him. its gotta be hard. But shes still his mom and he still loves her. He just also loves us and thats perfectly okay.
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  #24  
October 22nd, 2012, 11:02 PM
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Love multiples. He's got enough for everyone he's a child. M's grandfather does that. He lied about buying M new shoes because he didn't want his father (my husband) to buy him shoes.

Multiplies. Not multiples. **** it I quit.
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  #25  
October 23rd, 2012, 03:02 AM
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I will say it is hard to turn off the parent in you when it is the other parents week. Just last night I corrected Sophia at her fathers house for something she said that I felt was very inappropriate. It does happen. For me its just a reflex.

With that said it sounds like she is trying to make up for being the parent she wasn't for those months she was getting help. She also probably feels bad about the situation she is in now with the roommate.

As for the sunscreen keep it! Less you have to buy!

As for missing things in the soccer bag. We are always having to run stuff to the other parent because life is busy and things get missed!
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  #26  
October 23rd, 2012, 08:21 AM
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I wasn't bashing step moms - I'm one too remember? That isn't what I was saying at all. Just a mom is a mom always no matter what. Dads are different. They have on/off switches, mom's don't. Don't look at it as her infringing on Eric's time but as her being the best mom to O she can be. That's what's best for O in the long run.

I guess what I have a problem with in these posts is it's bio mom bashing. This poor woman can do no right. Now I don't know her but at some point you have to let the past go. Give her the benefit of the doubt & respect her parenting style. I don't like the way dh's ex parents their children but nothing I say or do will change the way she does it. I have just had to accept it. It saves a lot of aggrevation in the long run.

The hardest part of being a step parent is knowing your place so to speak. It isn't always easy. Sometimes your mom & sometime you have to step back into the shadows. It's just the sad truth. Accepting that makes it so much easier in the long run.
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  #27  
October 23rd, 2012, 09:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
The hardest part of being a step parent is knowing your place so to speak. It isn't always easy. Sometimes your mom & sometime you have to step back into the shadows. It's just the sad truth. Accepting that makes it so much easier in the long run.
This, like x1000000! I have a hard time with this, admittedly. It comes from several places: 1) I am mom to them most of the time; 2) there were months and months when she didn't see them at all and I was all they had; 3) I'm a mom, I mother. It's in my nature. I mother my friends, and my friend's kids and my kids' friends. I can't help it. But it certainly is hard to know when to turn it off and when to assert yourself.
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  #28  
October 23rd, 2012, 02:53 PM
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I think it comes from everyone coming from a different place. I don't like how society at large doesn't view dads as equal because I've seen a lot of fighting for their children and not being taken seriously.
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  #29  
October 23rd, 2012, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I wasn't bashing step moms - I'm one too remember? That isn't what I was saying at all. Just a mom is a mom always no matter what. Dads are different. They have on/off switches, mom's don't. Don't look at it as her infringing on Eric's time but as her being the best mom to O she can be. That's what's best for O in the long run.

I guess what I have a problem with in these posts is it's bio mom bashing. This poor woman can do no right. Now I don't know her but at some point you have to let the past go. Give her the benefit of the doubt & respect her parenting style. I don't like the way dh's ex parents their children but nothing I say or do will change the way she does it. I have just had to accept it. It saves a lot of aggrevation in the long run.

The hardest part of being a step parent is knowing your place so to speak. It isn't always easy. Sometimes your mom & sometime you have to step back into the shadows. It's just the sad truth. Accepting that makes it so much easier in the long run.
I disagree that dads are different, but that's sort of an offshoot topic and one that I'm sure is heavily influenced by our individual experiences.

I didn't consider her parenting O during Eric's time with him to be infringing in any way - I just thought it was a needless attempt for her to make a point about how incompetent Eric is because O got (extremely mildly) sunburned on one occasion in Arizona, of all places. The intent behind the insistence on applying O's sunscreen (rather than ask if Eric already had, etc.) is what's obnoxious, not the fact that she acted like a mother to her child.

I realize you're a stepmom too. What I was annoyed by was the deliberate use of a dismissive term like, "Eric's girlfriend" (as though she's just some casual partner Eric has recently started seeing and not someone who has been an active part of his and O's lives for years now and who plans to continue being an active part of their lives). That's a pretty deliberate word choice, especially considering it's not a secret that she's his fiance.

I was also annoyed by a snarky remark about "steps" made by a poster who is a) not a stepparent and who has never been a stepparent and b) who has a child with a married man (not a man who has married since the birth of that child - a man who was married before the child was conceived, and who is still married now). I'm pretty sure that the "step" in that situation is the guy's wife, so forgive me, but I have some reservations about accepting remarks about who plays which roles within a family from someone who is involved with a man who goes back and forth from her to his wife semi-regularly, and who also doesn't post here nearly enough to know how big of a role some of the stepparents on this board DO play in the lives of their stepchildren.

I don't disagree that sometimes you step back into the shadows. I know that feeling very well, as a matter of fact. I'm not a custodial stepmom. I get it. That's not what was frustrating to read (for me, anyway) nor was it you specifically who I was addressing (aside from the 'father's girlfriend' comment which I already explained). I realize you part of what you wrote may not have been in response to me personally, but felt that I should clarify just in case.
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  #30  
October 23rd, 2012, 04:31 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I get it though guys. I am not against her parenting him. There have been plenty of times during soccer practice where she pulls him aside and says, "Okay O listen to the coach do everything he says," even though I or Eric have just said it. That's totally fine. THAT is co-parenting. Parenting together.

My issue was her not even considering that we may have already applied sunscreen or were about to before she stepped in and did it. THAT was insulting, to both of us.

Sending the sunscreen also offended us because we have literally a bucket of sunscreen here. Lotion, spray, you name it. We even have sunscreen infused chapstick for his lips. We go out of our way to make sure that child has everything he needs when he is with us BECAUSE so many people think that kids arent well taken care of unless they are with mom.

We have proven to anyone that knows us that we do a **** good job taking care of him. We just don't need anyone stepping in and fulfilling his basic needs which should be being fulfilled by US during OUR time.

I don't run over to her house with a happy meal every night "Just in case she hasn't fed him yet." That would be ridiculous.
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  #31  
October 24th, 2012, 12:18 PM
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But that's just it - her relationship with O is about them & not you or Eric. She probably didn't even think about it. She just thought son - sunscreen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
I think it comes from everyone coming from a different place. I don't like how society at large doesn't view dads as equal because I've seen a lot of fighting for their children and not being taken seriously.

That is so NOT what I was saying I wasn't saying that dads don't care about their kids at all . But typically it is easier for them to step back and let the mother take over than it is for a mother to step back & let the dad takeover.
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  #32  
October 24th, 2012, 12:37 PM
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I think it's hard because SM2B (what is your first name ??) is jaded on the subject (and I don't mean that in a bad way) and we are not. I am an outside party that listens only to your side of things. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and just go with the assumtion that O's mom is just trying to be a mom, and not question her motives, if she is insecure, if she things Eric is lacking on something (sun screen), where as you(SM2B) have dealt with it first hand, so it might be a little different or more difficult for you to step back and just go with the fact that she is trying to be mom and be happy she is being the best mom she can be for O right now.
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  #33  
October 24th, 2012, 02:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
But that's just it - her relationship with O is about them & not you or Eric. She probably didn't even think about it. She just thought son - sunscreen.




That is so NOT what I was saying I wasn't saying that dads don't care about their kids at all . But typically it is easier for them to step back and let the mother take over than it is for a mother to step back & let the dad takeover.
And I disagreed with that statement. And then I never said that you said dads don't care. I did say that a lot of times people don't take their care and concern seriously or their role seriously.
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  #34  
October 24th, 2012, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
But that's just it - her relationship with O is about them & not you or Eric. She probably didn't even think about it. She just thought son - sunscreen.




That is so NOT what I was saying I wasn't saying that dads don't care about their kids at all . But typically it is easier for them to step back and let the mother take over than it is for a mother to step back & let the dad takeover.
and this really shouldnt be the case. I know that she is his mom, I dont deny that. But since we know her and her motives, this was very much a cheap shot at us to make it seem like shes the only one who knows how to protect him. Had we stepped in and applied sunscreen when she brought him, she would have thrown a HUGE fit over us stepping on her time with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by w292737 View Post
I think it's hard because SM2B (what is your first name ??) is jaded on the subject (and I don't mean that in a bad way) and we are not. I am an outside party that listens only to your side of things. I try to take it all with a grain of salt and just go with the assumtion that O's mom is just trying to be a mom, and not question her motives, if she is insecure, if she things Eric is lacking on something (sun screen), where as you(SM2B) have dealt with it first hand, so it might be a little different or more difficult for you to step back and just go with the fact that she is trying to be mom and be happy she is being the best mom she can be for O right now.
My name is Jennifer

This makes a lot of sense. Eric has known her for 9 years, he knows her motives for things.

Also, here is where I come to vent. I try not to (key word TRY) vent to my family too much about her. Because when it comes right down to it, my life is amazing. The little bit that she can still effect is, we don't let bother us. She tries to control us through O, but she also is nice to chat with at his practices. It's a very civil relationship. And I respect her, CURRENTLY, as O's mom. Thats as far as my relationship will ever go with her. Being that before I even knew her, or met her, I had to step in and take care of her child, it did put a sour taste in my mouth about her. I was the one doing everything a mother does for their son for 9 straight months. I was the one taking him to school, taking him clothes shopping, making sure his immunizations were up to date to start school, etc. I was playing mom, and it insults me that now that she is back in his life, she is assuming we do not know how to properly care for him. Like, we kept him alive for 9 months without her! lol
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