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  #21  
October 28th, 2012, 07:15 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I just can't advocate for a husband who calls his wife names like that. No matter what her flaws are, you just don't treat your spouse that way, period (let alone in front of a child). I'm not saying that she's innocent in all of this and I've stated myself that I butt heads with her on a regular basis and I am often frustrated by the fact that she just ignores people when they put forward a valid point. I'm sure that happens in the marriage too.

Poor communication doesn't make it okay for him to call her names. IIRC, she also deals with regularly being accused of cheating on him, even if she just runs to the store for 15 minutes. That sets off all kinds of alarm bells for me, whatever her issues are.
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  #22  
October 28th, 2012, 07:43 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by .Katie. View Post
I have to advocate for the child. I feel like there is a lot more to this situation than what's being shared.

If I were just going off of the way that you react and explain yourself in your posts, it would lead me to believe that you tend to be a pretty volatile and controlling in person. I don't understand how everyone can jump on the DH hate train. I would venture to guess that she just might not be the easiest person to communicate with. This couple has major issues, but a good part of the reason they aren't getting resolved could very well be that they both aren't taking responsibility for their share of blame in this.

I've said it since I joined this board a couple years ago. Marriage takes love and respect. It won't function without both parts. I am not hearing much of those from either of you.

No matter how much you want to villanize the step daughter, the real underlying problems have little to do with her. She is being a kid and testing boundaries like all kids do. Somehow you have made her the scapegoat/fall guy for the toxic environment you and your DH have created. That environment is NOT her fault. She shouldn't be punished for it. The sooner you get that settled in your mind, the sooner you can work on REAL solutions to yours and DH's REAL problems.
I agree with a great deal of your post but I sense from some of her posts that she's not happy with her behavior in all situations. I'm sure the state of their marriage had a lot to do with the both of them. That's the nature of marriage. But the threads about her oldest stepson showed me she's not really open to hearing about her actions so I figured I'd give the advice that'd be most likely to be heard. Not to mention the stepson continuing to work for family after he stole from them and the family pretty much looking the other way set off red flags for me. She's not perfect but he isn't either. And no matter HOW irrational I was acting, DH would still step in and handle his kids. M threatened to kick me one time and DH stopped that quick even though we'd just had a disagreement about M 5 minutes prior.

Something is rotten in Denmark.
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  #23  
October 29th, 2012, 11:25 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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I find it a bit disconcerting that the OP is being talked about like she isn't here......

But anyway, this is a tough situation with a lot going on. We can't know it all completely by just reading posts. Good people end up in bad relationships and it isn't always easy to extricate yourself from one (BTDT). And it seems here that the disfunction comes from the extended family as well.

It is also not hard to hear criticism. Especially when we are hurting. I know when I was dealing with the stepchild from h, the last thing I wanted to hear was that she was an innocent child, she was hurt & confused. While the hurt & confused was most undoubtable true, she certainly wasn't innocent. Nor did that give her the right to be abusive to me.

I agree that your dh is abusive btw. I know that is hard to hear because once I was on the receiving end of that statement. I didn't see what my ex did as abusive because he didn't hit me & in my case the abuse wasn't verbal but emotional. But the fact that he calls you vulgar names and doesn't respect your wishes is huge.

I hope you read this & get the help you need. Please feel free to PM me if you'd feel more comfortable talking that way.
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  #24  
October 29th, 2012, 12:08 PM
Happy Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I'm glad he spoke to her & she apologized. Being a stepparent isn't an easy situation either especially if you aren't on the same page.

I wouldn't allow my 9 year old to call me lazy. I don't think it's normal behavior.
maybe not normal, but typical. most kids at 8,9,10 start to test things. I know mine did. and would say to me, when I ask "will you please do get such and such for me" I'll hear are you lazy? or something along those lines. to which I just say, nope, but I do need yoru assistance right now, so can you please be a big helper? they have usually said it with a laugh behind it, or even if not, I know it's been to test the waters and see what's okay and what isn't. never happened more then once with either of my older two.

Quote:
Originally Posted by .Katie. View Post
I have to advocate for the child. I feel like there is a lot more to this situation than what's being shared.

If I were just going off of the way that you react and explain yourself in your posts, it would lead me to believe that you tend to be a pretty volatile and controlling in person. I don't understand how everyone can jump on the DH hate train. I would venture to guess that she just might not be the easiest person to communicate with. This couple has major issues, but a good part of the reason they aren't getting resolved could very well be that they both aren't taking responsibility for their share of blame in this. I've said it since I joined this board a couple years ago. Marriage takes love and respect. It won't function without both parts. I am not hearing much of those from either of you.

No matter how much you want to villanize the step daughter, the real underlying problems have little to do with her. She is being a kid and testing boundaries like all kids do. Somehow you have made her the scapegoat/fall guy for the toxic environment you and your DH have created. That environment is NOT her fault. She shouldn't be punished for it. The sooner you get that settled in your mind, the sooner you can work on REAL solutions to yours and DH's REAL problems.

^yes this!


could it be that she(the daughter) picks up on yoru reactions toher and her dad, so she feels the need to defend her and him at every chance? you've posted before about the kissing thing, and oh boy was that ahot issue for you and them. which really, I still think, is all your issue, not theirs. So maybe she sees you as trying to come between them, or attacking them and their relationship, so she is on the defensive all the time about her and her dad whic his why she asks/says the things she does? just food for thought
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  #25  
October 29th, 2012, 05:00 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
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Wow. Just catching up here.
I'm not sure I can respond to so much...criticism?
I've said over and over her behavior was age appropriate. It's the way she is handled that is the issue. But just to update what's happened since:
I received a call on my phone around 10 last night that I missed. It was sd9. Her mom was VERY upset with her about what she said to me.
She was also very upset that dh allowed her to go spend the night with her cousin instead of bringing her home to her mom.
Needless to say sd9 was given a dose of reality by bm.
Bm informed her that I am the one who does EVERY thing for her when she's at our house and that if I wasn't here, sd9 wouldn't be here with her dad.
Bm didn't allow dh to have sd9 for long periods until I came in the picture. Bc of the way he allows her to go out of control. She had to get sd9 into behavioral therapy the last time she got her back after he had her for a year. (still think its the evil step mom??)

At any rate. Sd9 saw dh for the first time in almost 2 years when we started dated and that was only bc her bm made me swear I'd be there in Texas the whole time and return her when I came back.

And for all thinking I treat my sk's differently...I can assure you they receive a lot more stuff than my bio's. And it's ME who goes and gets it.
Anyone miss the part where I said "the reason I actually sent him to the car for the bag wasn't just for nose spray...I had bought sd9 one of the dolls she collects..." it's written somewhere up there. Maybe not word for word.
As far as ss19....trust me if you think he's SO innocent let's see you have him a week at your house.
Although his behavior has definitely gotten better lately and he's decided to start college in January. And yes...I've told him how proud I am of the changes he's made and his new goals.
Just bc I don't post about my good things going on ...doesn't mean they don't exist!! It means I need an outlet when I have bad things come up.

Sd9 and dad kissing...maybe it is my issue?? Not sure. But the looks I get in public and from all our family tell me a lot more people find it odd!
I suppose I should be ok with her wearing coochie cutter shorts in my house too and sitting spread eagle on the couch? Since its just her dad in the living room I guess it's ok to have "all that" hanging out?

And the last thing...since dh "watched" sd9 this past weekend. You think he made her shower, change clothes, brush her teeth or do any hygiene Care? NOPE! Guess who noticed? BM!
Sd came home with a bird nest of greasy hair and body odor with nasty teeth that hadn't been brushed since Friday. (still think I'm evil step mom??)

BM explained to sd9 that again...SHE is not cared for by her dad here. Step mom does it all. and she told her the next time she finds out she's disrespected me she won't like the consequence of it.

BM was completely on my side of the story and was disgusted by sd9's behavior. She said she KNOWS better and has been corrected before on this very same issue.

Ah and I'll address the abuse. I'm aware it's emotionally abusing me but I'm also aware our kids affected by it too. I've let him know he will be out the door the next time his outburst happens. I will say although we had arguments this weekend none of them happened in front of his daughter. That's a step, maybe?
I'm no angel to live with as I see some of you have Assumed anyway. I don't post a lot of what goes on here so yes, you're hearing bits and pieces. And I can say even his family members see what I go through and have told me they don't know how I put up with it!
It's not so easy to "get out". Not when you have no job, no savings of your own, no transportation other than what's in hubby's name, and when you have 3 kids...it's easy to judge someone by reading bits and pieces online. Very easy. but some shouldn't ASSume the worst about people. I'm a great mom and step mom and dh wouldn't even have a relationship with "his" daughter if we weren't together. I made him move 8 hours to be closer to his daughter. And "his" son ss19 was doing drugs, getting arrested and doing probation back in Dallas. If he hadnt moved him at my insistence ...ss19 would be god knows where now. (dh wasn't supervising him either in Texas! Surprise?)
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  #26  
October 29th, 2012, 05:09 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Posts: 1,397
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose

I agree with a great deal of your post but I sense from some of her posts that she's not happy with her behavior in all situations. I'm sure the state of their marriage had a lot to do with the both of them. That's the nature of marriage. But the threads about her oldest stepson showed me she's not really open to hearing about her actions so I figured I'd give the advice that'd be most likely to be heard. Not to mention the stepson continuing to work for family after he stole from them and the family pretty much looking the other way set off red flags for me. She's not perfect but he isn't either. And no matter HOW irrational I was acting, DH would still step in and handle his kids. M threatened to kick me one time and DH stopped that quick even though we'd just had a disagreement about M 5 minutes prior.

Something is rotten in Denmark.
Hi. I'm not sure what rotten in Denmark means?
All I know is my EXH takes up for me ANY time my kids are disrespectful. Ds11 hit me once and his dad...handled it. He threatened to hit me once and his dad...handled that also. If I'm out in public with EXH and my kids and their step mom, their dad ALWAYS corrects them if they are disrespectful to me or their step mom or ANY one else. If I could get this same devotion from my current dh things might go a lot smoother! EXH doesn't correct them bc he cares about ME, he corrects them bc he cares about HIS KIDS and wants them to turn out to be good productive members of society with respect and morals.
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  #27  
October 29th, 2012, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 View Post
Hi. I'm not sure what rotten in Denmark means?
All I know is my EXH takes up for me ANY time my kids are disrespectful. Ds11 hit me once and his dad...handled it. He threatened to hit me once and his dad...handled that also. If I'm out in public with EXH and my kids and their step mom, their dad ALWAYS corrects them if they are disrespectful to me or their step mom or ANY one else. If I could get this same devotion from my current dh things might go a lot smoother! EXH doesn't correct them bc he cares about ME, he corrects them bc he cares about HIS KIDS and wants them to turn out to be good productive members of society with respect and morals.
It's an expression. It was basically me agreeing that while you do come off as difficult (most of us have disagreed with some of your reactions but most have agreed your stepson is out of line at times and your DH is not backing you up like he should be...and your bigger response (above the one I quoted) indicates you missed most of that ) your husband is no angel either and that's likely a lack of communication on both your parts and dickheadedness on his part. So I partially agreed with Katie but I also agreed with you and Keakie. Throughout this entire thread you've been defensive and missed the parts where several of us agreed with you multiple times. I can't speak for everyone but when asked for advice or input I can't just be one sided. It's just not in me to do. But that doesn't mean I can't be supportive at all.
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  #28  
October 29th, 2012, 07:16 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose

It's an expression. It was basically me agreeing that while you do come off as difficult (most of us have disagreed with some of your reactions but most have agreed your stepson is out of line at times and your DH is not backing you up like he should be...and your bigger response (above the one I quoted) indicates you missed most of that ) your husband is no angel either and that's likely a lack of communication on both your parts and dickheadedness on his part. So I partially agreed with Katie but I also agreed with you and Keakie. Throughout this entire thread you've been defensive and missed the parts where several of us agreed with you multiple times. I can't speak for everyone but when asked for advice or input I can't just be one sided. It's just not in me to do. But that doesn't mean I can't be supportive at all.
Yes. I've noticed some support but I felt more criticism on many. I definitely have communication problems with dh but if you knew him or his brothers or his dad...you'd know why. NO one can get a word in when we talk. You should see the 4 guys in one room discussing their family business finances...never ends good! And they all say the other one sitting next to each of them is too hard headed! It's terrible. Just today I had lunch with dh's older brothers wife. She's on the verge of leaving too for almost same reasons as mine. (similar but different ).
Her way of coping is she just shuts down and doesn't comment on anything unless asked. Very submissive and I feel SO bad for her. On days when I have a pity party for myself...I consider her and think how I'm lucky I'm not her.
Basically their culture or how they were raised is that the men are always right. This didn't really show itself to be true until after we were married.
Kwim? Don't get me wrong. I love dh and all of our kids. I just KNOW if he backed me up and supported me more on parenting, our whole family relationship would be better.
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  #29  
October 29th, 2012, 08:04 PM
.Katie.
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I'm not trying to judge you, just give you back what I see which is not so much a problem with a rude child as a dysfunctional marriage. That's all. If you get that then I have nothing else to say.
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  #30  
October 29th, 2012, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 View Post
Yes. I've noticed some support but I felt more criticism on many. I definitely have communication problems with dh but if you knew him or his brothers or his dad...you'd know why. NO one can get a word in when we talk. You should see the 4 guys in one room discussing their family business finances...never ends good! And they all say the other one sitting next to each of them is too hard headed! It's terrible. Just today I had lunch with dh's older brothers wife. She's on the verge of leaving too for almost same reasons as mine. (similar but different ).
Her way of coping is she just shuts down and doesn't comment on anything unless asked. Very submissive and I feel SO bad for her. On days when I have a pity party for myself...I consider her and think how I'm lucky I'm not her.
Basically their culture or how they were raised is that the men are always right. This didn't really show itself to be true until after we were married.
Kwim? Don't get me wrong. I love dh and all of our kids. I just KNOW if he backed me up and supported me more on parenting, our whole family relationship would be better.
You can love someone and still be really frustrated with their behavior. It makes you human. And it's roughly when things pop out of the closet after you're committed and in it for the long haul.
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