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  #1  
October 30th, 2012, 11:22 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Last night bm's mother texted me saying that it was BM's birthday and we could have at least had the kids call her! She sent the text after the kids were already in bed so it wasn't like we could have them call then.

I told hubby about it and he was like whatever.

My thoughts are that in the last 8 years she has missed most of the kids birthdays and most holidays, no phone calls or gifts. So obviously birthdays and holidays haven't been important to her. But because she is showing an interest in the kids since she lives with her parents we are supposed to have them call her for her birthday now?

First of all I didn't know when her birthday was. And hubby doesn't remember it! Sorry, her birthday didn't make our calendar! lol

I didn't even respond. What gets me is that her parents know what a deadbeat she has been with the kids. Her own mother even apologized to hubby before and said she doesn't know what is wrong with her daughter and it makes her really upset to know that she raised someone who is like that. Bm's father told hubby not all that long ago that he is glad hubby has been the one raising the kids.

But now we are the bad guys for not making them call her on her birthday? Ummmm...the phone works both ways. If she wanted to talk to them on her birthday she was free to call them. Heck, if it was so important to grandma then she should have texted her granddaughter and told her to call her mother and wish her a happy birthday! Right?
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  #2  
October 30th, 2012, 11:59 AM
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Ugh she's crazy!
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  #3  
October 30th, 2012, 01:05 PM
.Katie.
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Whatever. She should have called her kids if it was important to her.
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  #4  
October 30th, 2012, 02:12 PM
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maybe they don't know that they haven't called her in the past on her birthday?

I know that in the past, my ex has called on his birthday and I think it's dumb, he doesn't call on their birthdays why call on his own?

good for you for just ignoring it.
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  #5  
October 30th, 2012, 02:22 PM
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Y'all are so bitter. Who cares about what she did in the past she's trying NOW. Like seriously let it go.
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  #6  
October 30th, 2012, 04:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
Y'all are so bitter. Who cares about what she did in the past she's trying NOW. Like seriously let it go.
I don't think they're being bitter, but it's not the job of the kids to remember mom's birthday. And if it's not something they have done in years past, it's not something that they would remember to do this year, just because she happens to be making an effort this year.

My ex used to give my kids guilt trips if they didn't call on his birthday or father's day. But here's the thing. If he was an important part of their life, they wouldn't need to be reminded to call him.
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  #7  
October 30th, 2012, 04:59 PM
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Maybe her kids are older than I'm thinking. Ours are 13 and 6. They remember their birthdays and that's it. They don't even remember the birthdays of the adults they stay with, much less D's. That's just the kind of children they are. So if they aren't prompted or reminded they don't think to call because they don't get that they've missed it. And the 6 year old JUST started memorizing phone numbers.

Every single thing this woman does is wrong because she hasn't been doing it all along. You can't change that. She can't change that. Live in the moment already.
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  #8  
October 30th, 2012, 05:27 PM
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I call my kids when I want to talk to them. If I don't call then that's my decision. Same with her, if she wanted to talk to her kids on her birthday she should have called. Aside from the fact that the Dad didn't even remember it was her birthday, even if he had, it's not his responsibility to know when she wanted them to call. She should have arranged it.
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  #9  
October 30th, 2012, 05:35 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am all for a friendly reminder text.

Not an -its too late to call you're such a horrible person for not having them call- text.

I don't remember BM's birthday. O does, but our C/O says she gets him on her b-day so we don't have to worry about it.

We do have him call her on like Thanksgiving if it's our day.

I would not take offense to her mom saying, "Hey its her b-day, let the kids know and maybe they can give her a call?" If it happened early in the day. But dont text AFTER they're in bed. Why set someone up for failure?
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  #10  
October 30th, 2012, 06:33 PM
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with the after bed time thing, they are on the west coast right? and you are east coast? so maybe they didn't think of the time difference...


?
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  #11  
October 30th, 2012, 07:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
I am all for a friendly reminder text.

Not an -its too late to call you're such a horrible person for not having them call- text.

I don't remember BM's birthday. O does, but our C/O says she gets him on her b-day so we don't have to worry about it.

We do have him call her on like Thanksgiving if it's our day.

I would not take offense to her mom saying, "Hey its her b-day, let the kids know and maybe they can give her a call?" If it happened early in the day. But dont text AFTER they're in bed. Why set someone up for failure?
This I can agree with.

I just don't think it's ever too early to teach kids to be aware of the feelings of others.
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  #12  
October 30th, 2012, 07:39 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
I don't think they're being bitter, but it's not the job of the kids to remember mom's birthday. And if it's not something they have done in years past, it's not something that they would remember to do this year, just because she happens to be making an effort this year.
I think this is it for me. I also don't think it's reasonable for M2M and her dh to remember bm's birthday. If bm's mother is comfortable reaching out to them, she could have reached out a day or two before bm's birthday to remind them and let them know that it would mean a lot to her if the kids gave her a call. I'm an adult and have family members whose birthdays I would forget without Facebook I can't imagine that a child would have a much better memory for birthdays of people who (in all honesty - not in an attempt to be mean) they aren't super close to.

I wouldn't be entirely opposed to letting the kids know she had wanted to talk to them and to see if they'd like to give her a call after the fact. My only concern would be whether or not they'd be guilt tripped for not calling on the day itself. If that's likely what would happen, I probably wouldn't push it. If not, though, I don't see the harm and having them give her a quick call.
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  #13  
October 31st, 2012, 07:29 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
Maybe her kids are older than I'm thinking. Ours are 13 and 6. They remember their birthdays and that's it. They don't even remember the birthdays of the adults they stay with, much less D's. That's just the kind of children they are. So if they aren't prompted or reminded they don't think to call because they don't get that they've missed it. And the 6 year old JUST started memorizing phone numbers.

Every single thing this woman does is wrong because she hasn't been doing it all along. You can't change that. She can't change that. Live in the moment already.
Did you miss the part where she said SHE and her DH didn't know it was BM's birthday, either? Ember, I usually see eye to eye with you on most things but I respectfully disagree that mom gets a pass because she is making an effort TODAY to do the right thing. I certainly agree that she can't be held accountable forever for her past sins, but they don't have a significant pattern of her being an active participant int he kids' lives to trust that she's going to be there tomorrow.
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  #14  
October 31st, 2012, 08:21 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Our situation is different. As much of a jerk dh can be...we have sd9 every year on bm's bday and we always have her call. I find it hard to see that any person who was in a relation with another person could forget that persons bday.
I know it's easy to say...realize later "oh a few days ago it was such and suchs bday".
But surely he (dad) knows the day of her bday?
Not that I'm saying it's his job to have the kids call. Don't get me wrong. But to say he doesn't even know when her bday is kinda sounds off.
Personally even if I knew things sucked between my kids and THEIR parent....I'd still say "hey it's moms/dads bday today, maybe it would be nice to give her/him a call and tell them happy bday"

FYI...dh HATES (with a passion) ss19's mom. HATE doesn't even describe it. She was a terrible drunk/druggie and burned the kids and did crazy stuff. Every year DH STILL tells SS19 that his moms bday is coming up. He doesn't say "call her". He says something like "if you feel like YOU should, call her"
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  #15  
October 31st, 2012, 09:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Did you miss the part where she said SHE and her DH didn't know it was BM's birthday, either? Ember, I usually see eye to eye with you on most things but I respectfully disagree that mom gets a pass because she is making an effort TODAY to do the right thing. I certainly agree that she can't be held accountable forever for her past sins, but they don't have a significant pattern of her being an active participant int he kids' lives to trust that she's going to be there tomorrow.
And let's not pick & chose either. She has to live in the moment but StepmomtoB doesn't? I don't understand the completely different responses to people's threads.
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  #16  
October 31st, 2012, 10:31 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
And let's not pick & chose either. She has to live in the moment but StepmomtoB doesn't? I don't understand the completely different responses to people's threads.
I don't think I'm giving different answers to Jennifer, though. In her case, her BM has been putting forth an effort for a significant amount of time, not just in the last month. Plus, M2M's BM has been out of their life for a lot longer than Jennifer's BM was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
And let's not pick & chose either. She has to live in the moment but StepmomtoB doesn't? I don't understand the completely different responses to people's threads.
Or were you talking about Ember's response to Stepmomtob, not mine?

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  #17  
October 31st, 2012, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Did you miss the part where she said SHE and her DH didn't know it was BM's birthday, either? Ember, I usually see eye to eye with you on most things but I respectfully disagree that mom gets a pass because she is making an effort TODAY to do the right thing. I certainly agree that she can't be held accountable forever for her past sins, but they don't have a significant pattern of her being an active participant int he kids' lives to trust that she's going to be there tomorrow.
She's been trying for the past couple of months though. When is it going to get to the point where she's trying now and they accept that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
And let's not pick & chose either. She has to live in the moment but StepmomtoB doesn't? I don't understand the completely different responses to people's threads.
I took offense to you making a point to Jennifer in someone else's thread because it seemed mean, petty and elitist.

I don't understand your attitude half the time either so I guess we're square?
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  #18  
October 31st, 2012, 12:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
She's been trying for the past couple of months though. When is it going to get to the point where she's trying now and they accept that?
I hardly think, given the years that BM has been MIA from the kids' lives that a couple of months really means anything.
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  #19  
October 31st, 2012, 12:30 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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No DH doesn't remember when her birthday was. He could tell you the month, but thats about it. It took a few years for him to remember when mine was! lol

Ember BM has been out of the kids lives for so long and we have played this game with her before. She gets all involved for a short period of time when she is living with or near her parents. Then the kids (mostly sd) get excited thinking she wants to be a part of their lives. Then POOF she is gone. SD goes through a huge emotional thing and we are left to pick up the pieces as bm goes on her merry way.

So no we are not going to do anything to help bm with this new found desire to have a relationship with the kids. Been there, done that. Many times I tried to help her to have a relationship with them and so did dh. She let them down time and time again. Hard to forget a pattern that has been going on for 8 years now. We are not preventing a relationship, but we are not pushing it or helping it along. And I don't think its our job to.

SD is a teenager now, she is capable of having a relationship with her mom without our help. And to be honest my ss has been in my care since he was not even 3, so he had no big interest in a relationship with her. He knows she gave birth to him, but he has no real connection to her. He talks to her on occasion when she was around but she's more like a distant relative then a mother. Not much different to him than my aunts that live out of state he has met a few times.

We can't change that. And honestly I don't think there is much bm can do to change it. Everyone has to live with the consequences to their actions. You don't just get a free pass for ignoring your kids for the greater part of 8 years. It just doesn't go away because for a few months you are making an effort. The pain and heartache my sd suffered all these years is not just going to just be erased because bm is ready to play mommy now. You can't make up for all that lost time. Life doesn't work that way.

If a birthday call was such a big deal this year then someone should have called the kids or texted us in advance asking them to call. But honestly, how dare the grandma act like we are horrible for not having the kids call their bm on her birthday! I find that to be just ridiculous. BM's birthday is important, but most of the kids birthdays didn't deserve a call from bm? So are they supposed to be more mature than their mother?
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  #20  
October 31st, 2012, 01:24 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Ss19's mom hasn't called or sent him a gift for bday in years. Until this year. She asked me a month ahead for our address and asked if I would watch for a package she was sending and give it to him on his bday. It doesn't make up for lost times but at least it's an effort now.

Is your kids bm suffering mental issues or something else?
Not to make excuses but mental illness is the only reason I could understand a mom being that way. During my "bad times" I forgot to call dd6 on her birthday. To this day I still beat myself up over it. I celebrated her bday early that year but still should have called her on the actual bday.

Anyway it's not your responsibly to have them call. But maybe as a nice gesture going forward on any holiday you or dh can just say "hey if you'd like to call bm and wish her a happy _____ that would be ok!"
If they choose to, fine. If not, you can say at least you gave them the choice.
Seems fair enough?

I added my kids step moms birthday and her kids birthdays as "holidays" that their dad receives in the parenting plan. And I have them on my bday and my other kids bdays. We alternate years on our kids. So my kids are always w me on my bday and w him on his bday so we don't have this ordeal here now on my side.

Did you guys ever get the Christmas trip settled?
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