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  #1  
November 8th, 2012, 06:28 AM
butterfly070212's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 112
Hey Ladies.

I have been reading for a few weeks. Just a little intro. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and 2 step daugthers.

I have an issue with my ex and his new wife I need some outsider insight on. My DD came home Sunday from her weekend and told me the SM spanked her for not going to bed. When I asked her dad, he admitted she got spanked for whining. I don't agree with it, but didnt say anything and just told him I wished he would have told me not K.

Then last night, we were eating dinner and K told my DH and I that she didn't want to turn into a witch. I asked her what she was talking about. That's when she said SM said she was going to turn into an ugly witch because she has a few warts on her hands. (K has a vitamin defiency and Im working with doctor to get them removed by medicine before we try the laser removal).

Other things have been said to her that causes K to have nightmares. I want to say something to them, but not sure how to bring it up without them getting mad. Her dad is always thinking Im attacking when I ask. We dont have a civil relationship due to him being pouty and accusing me of attacking him. I can't call him on the phone because he never answers. He always wants to discuss things via email or text messages.

Part of me doesn't want her to go back but I know that's not the right thing either.
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  #2  
November 8th, 2012, 07:57 AM
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Ugh that's tough but I definitely would have to say something. I'd try it in a non-threatening manner like

"hey K has said a few things recently that has been concern. I know sometimes kids take things out of context or don't hear things correctly but I feel we need to talk about some things as it's causing K to be upset."

Perhaps sm said something jokingly that K took seriously. I know when dh came into our lives, he did that a number of times. I had to educate him that kids at dd's age take things very literally.
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  #3  
November 8th, 2012, 08:11 AM
Happy Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest
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umm no way ANY person lays a hand on my kids, ever. Call DHS/CPS and make a report so you have it legally documented. to me it sounds like the new wife is over stepping big time, and cauing emotional abuse.
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  #4  
November 8th, 2012, 09:21 AM
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Spanking - Their house their rules. That includes discipline. You cannot enforce your rules in a household you are not a part of.

Wart thing - I agree with My2miracles that you should send a brief email saying "DD had a nightmare the other night about turning into an ugly witch. She said that SM said _____. This really affected her. Thought you guys should know." or something like that.

(w292737 -- CPS won't do anything about disciplining a child... my stepson's mother tried that on us.)
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  #5  
November 8th, 2012, 09:29 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I agree with what the other ladies have said so far, so I'll keep it short. I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

For what it's worth, I think keeping your communication in writing is the best way to go about things if the coparenting relationship is not civil. We insist on email communication with my dh's ex too, because we have had too many situations where she's said one thing and then done another (and we couldn't prove her original statements), been evasive with important information (she redirects by trying to chit chat like we're all best buddies) and otherwise been invasive to our private lives by calling on a daily basis (in addition to IMing at one point). There are lots of posters on this board who can call and ex and have it go just fine. For some people, a written record of all communication is a really great thing to have (and it means you can reply in your own time, too, which is nice when you're dealing with crazy).
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  #6  
November 8th, 2012, 09:47 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w292737 View Post
umm no way ANY person lays a hand on my kids, ever. Call DHS/CPS and make a report so you have it legally documented. to me it sounds like the new wife is over stepping big time, and cauing emotional abuse.
It's legal for a step parent to spank in most states.
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  #7  
November 8th, 2012, 10:14 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cesca View Post
Spanking - Their house their rules. That includes discipline. You cannot enforce your rules in a household you are not a part of.

Wart thing - I agree with My2miracles that you should send a brief email saying "DD had a nightmare the other night about turning into an ugly witch. She said that SM said _____. This really affected her. Thought you guys should know." or something like that.

(w292737 -- CPS won't do anything about disciplining a child... my stepson's mother tried that on us.)
I agree with this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I agree with what the other ladies have said so far, so I'll keep it short. I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

For what it's worth, I think keeping your communication in writing is the best way to go about things if the coparenting relationship is not civil. We insist on email communication with my dh's ex too, because we have had too many situations where she's said one thing and then done another (and we couldn't prove her original statements), been evasive with important information (she redirects by trying to chit chat like we're all best buddies) and otherwise been invasive to our private lives by calling on a daily basis (in addition to IMing at one point). There are lots of posters on this board who can call and ex and have it go just fine. For some people, a written record of all communication is a really great thing to have (and it means you can reply in your own time, too, which is nice when you're dealing with crazy).
And this.

When I was raising my older kids (now 24 and 21) with my ex husband, we pretty much let the other parent parent they way they saw fit. Look, you trusted the man enough to have a kid with him, you have to trust that he'll parent her too. The only time I would interfere with a non-custodial visitation/parenting relationship is when it was unfit or unhealthy for the child. I don't see a spanking being either. I would definitely address the wart/witch issue, though. Like Kris said, it could be a simple misunderstanding of what was said. You didn't mention how old your DD was, so it also could be something that she's miss-communicating to you. Our 11 year old is notorious for giving half a story and not being precise when he communicates something that happened at one house or the other. We have learned to go to the source before jumping to conclusions. I wish their mom would do the same, but she doesn't and it has led to lots of her undermining their dad's authority and issues with CPS and police coming to our house, temporary protective orders that have since been dismissed and now a full-on custody case, which also looks like it's going to get dismissed.
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  #8  
November 8th, 2012, 10:26 AM
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Cesca and others hit it on the head. Keep things in writing and just keep the email non confrontational.
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  #9  
November 8th, 2012, 11:06 AM
.Katie.
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Good luck!!! I agree with the other ladies!
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  #10  
November 8th, 2012, 11:15 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Let me also say, I think there should be some consistency between the two houses. It's tough for a kid if one thing is allowed at one house and it's not allowed at the other house. I don't care how old the child is, it's not an easy transition for them and difficult to remember what rules each house has. It might be worth considering either drafting a long email or sitting down with your ex to discuss the house rules. Approach it as something positive, and not accusatory. Say something like "hey, I want to make sure we're on the same page regard xyz, so K is not getting mixed messages". And then both of you make some compromises. I know that it takes a amicable relationship between the former spouses for this to work, but it's worth it in the end!
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  #11  
November 8th, 2012, 12:43 PM
butterfly070212's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Virginia
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Thanks for your input.

I think calling CPS is extreme. I dont like the SM spanking her. But there is nothing I can do about it. Spanking for whining isnt something I do. I have her go to another room if it gets too much. Its just hard to wrap my head around when SM son was my DD age, he never got spankings. (We knew each other previously to her marrying my ex).

What is really upsetting me is what is being said. Being my daughter is 4 years old she could be twisting the words. I see it as her being intimidated into doing things. Maybe they dont like that I dont have issues with DD and they do. Who knows?
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  #12  
November 8th, 2012, 12:52 PM
Happy Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest
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spanking and name calling are different things IMHO.

If any person made my daughter have night mares because of being told "she was going to turn into an ugly witch because she has a few warts" you better beleive I'd take action, and I'd take action over spanking as well if I wasn't okay with it.

Where I live Child abuse as Denile of Critical care would be meet because of:
Gross Failure to Meet Emotional Needs

Factor 1: The victim is a child.

Factor 2: The person responsible for the abuse was a caretaker for the child at the time of the abuse.

Factor 3: The caretaker has shown a gross failure to meet emotional needs necessary for normal development of the child. Examples of credible evidence include:
♦ Statement from a physician or mental health professional that documents a psychological or physical condition that can be shown to be a direct result of the caretaker’s failure to meet the child’s emotional needs.
♦ Observation by the child protection worker or other professional that:
• The caretaker does not appear to be interacting with the child in an appropriately nurturing fashion; or
• There is a significant lack of “bonding” or “attachment” between the caretaker and the child; or
• The caretaker ignores the child; or
The caretaker singles the child out for verbal insults, name-calling, or other demeaning or dehumanizing treatment.

there for, yes I would call CPS. and I'd throw in the fact that she spanks my child as well. if there is any hint of a mark then it's abuse.

at any rate, if I felt like my childs well being was being threatned, even if the intent was not will malice I'd take action.
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  #13  
November 8th, 2012, 09:22 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w292737 View Post
spanking and name calling are different things IMHO.

If any person made my daughter have night mares because of being told "she was going to turn into an ugly witch because she has a few warts" you better beleive I'd take action, and I'd take action over spanking as well if I wasn't okay with it.

Where I live Child abuse as Denile of Critical care would be meet because of:
Gross Failure to Meet Emotional Needs

Factor 1: The victim is a child.

Factor 2: The person responsible for the abuse was a caretaker for the child at the time of the abuse.

Factor 3: The caretaker has shown a gross failure to meet emotional needs necessary for normal development of the child. Examples of credible evidence include:
♦ Statement from a physician or mental health professional that documents a psychological or physical condition that can be shown to be a direct result of the caretaker’s failure to meet the child’s emotional needs.
♦ Observation by the child protection worker or other professional that:
• The caretaker does not appear to be interacting with the child in an appropriately nurturing fashion; or
• There is a significant lack of “bonding” or “attachment” between the caretaker and the child; or
• The caretaker ignores the child; or
• The caretaker singles the child out for verbal insults, name-calling, or other demeaning or dehumanizing treatment.

there for, yes I would call CPS. and I'd throw in the fact that she spanks my child as well. if there is any hint of a mark then it's abuse.

at any rate, if I felt like my childs well being was being threatned, even if the intent was not will malice I'd take action.
But she doesn't even know if out was name calling. As has been mentioned several times, the child could have told her half the story or told her something that was meant to be a joke that she didn't understand.

I think calling CPS before talking with the other parent and step parent only undermines the authority of those parents and is counter productive to reaching a peaceful Co-parenting goal. She should open a dialog with them to see what happened. Trust me when I tell you that the ramifications of getting CPS involved before you get the facts is long-reaching and truly detrimental to the parent-child relationship.
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  #14  
November 9th, 2012, 05:24 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cesca View Post
Spanking - Their house their rules. That includes discipline. You cannot enforce your rules in a household you are not a part of.

Wart thing - I agree with My2miracles that you should send a brief email saying "DD had a nightmare the other night about turning into an ugly witch. She said that SM said _____. This really affected her. Thought you guys should know." or something like that.

(w292737 -- CPS won't do anything about disciplining a child... my stepson's mother tried that on us.)
Yes, their house their rules. However, spanking should be done by the bio parent, not the step. You can enforce that rule. And as for CPS, it depends on where you live. Just because your local cps didn't do anything doesn't mean other counties or states won't. We have custody and opened up a cps investigation because dsd step father hit her.

Anyways, an email asking for clarifications would be my route also. If I were in your shoes, and I found out that my child was hit by the step parent, I wouldn't be sending my child for any overnight visits until it's understood that hitting was to be done by the bio parent only. Or until the courts forced me to send my child.
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  #15  
November 11th, 2012, 12:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Yes, their house their rules. However, spanking should be done by the bio parent, not the step. You can enforce that rule. And as for CPS, it depends on where you live. Just because your local cps didn't do anything doesn't mean other counties or states won't. We have custody and opened up a cps investigation because dsd step father hit her.
There is a difference between spanking and hitting.

It is up to the bio parent in the household if a step parent is allowed to spank or not. No one else. It is not up to someone who does not live in a house to have any say what so ever about what happens in that household.
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  #16  
November 11th, 2012, 08:39 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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What's the difference between spanking and hitting? A person is laying their hands on a child as a form of punishment. Look I spank. But I'm not going to sit here and claim that it's not hitting. It is hitting plain and simple. In the end I have laid my hands on my child. If that's not hitting, then there must be a new definition out there. I will have to disagree with you on who decides about the stepparent laying their hands on the child. The bio parents who need to co-parent need to decide that. Not just the one who resides in that home.
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  #17  
November 11th, 2012, 09:00 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I have to ditto Kat. They are both hitting.

Now, there is a difference between spanking/hitting and beating your child.

L doesn't spank. DH does in certain circumstances. M and I do not spank him. It's pretty simple to us.
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  #18  
November 12th, 2012, 06:09 AM
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I think the difference is how you interpret the word. Hitting to me = something done in anger/frustration/for the sake of being mean and spanking = discipline. It's all about interpretation.

If a child says "my mom hit me" you get a far different reaction than if the child says "my mom spanked me". One is an accepted term and one is not.

Neely has told me time and again that I should/could spank, but I have refused to do so with Will & Clayton. We have enough trouble with their mom.
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  #19  
November 12th, 2012, 07:31 AM
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Rachel you hit the nail on the head. That's EXACTLY what I meant!!

As for the bio parents making the rules, that's crap! There is no way that my stepson's bio mom is creating rules for my house. And there's no way she'd allow my husband to make rules for her house. There cannot be different rules, aside from age difference type of rules, for different children.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree because I am feeling that you are being highly disrespectful of my point of view and such and I'm not going to stand for that. I don't give a crap if you are the host of this board. You are talking down to me and that's crap!!!!
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  #20  
November 12th, 2012, 08:01 AM
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My point is, as a mother, I am giong to protect my kids, and if my child comes home saying these things, you better believe I'd get to the bottom of it one way or another.

oh and no one, and I mean NO ONE lays hands on my children in any fashion, ever, or their head would roll
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