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On Thanksgiving we had dinner at our house with some family. I was cooking and cleaning all day. Hubby had to work that day and got home in time for dinner, which we didn't eat until 6pm because of his work schedule. The kids never brought up calling anyone, I didn't bring it up either.
She sent me a text the day after Thanksgiving basically saying hubby and I should have had the kids call BM on Thanksgiving! I showed it to hubby and told him my thoughts on it. He agreed and told me to respond how I wanted. So I called and bm's mother did answer.
This is what I told her:
We were busy all day since we had family here. The kids never thought of calling her. Honestly, if your daughter wants to speak to the kids all she has to do is call. It is not on me or hubby to initiate contact for her. She is an adult. She has had many chances over the years to have relationships with her children, many initiated by me and by ____(hubby). She blew them all off. So now, if she wants a relationship with the kids it is on her to do the work.
And I don't appreciate the rude text messages you have been sending me since your daughter moved in with you. I repeated the text from today. Then I said over the years I have been kind to you and your daughter. I have helped you in making plans to see your grandchildren. I have treated the children as if they were biologically mine. And hubby and I have raised two wonderful children without the help of your daughter. So this new attitude you have been giving me is very uncalled for.
She told me that she didn't mean to give me an attitude and that she just wants us to help her daughter to have a good relationship with her children. She feels bad for her daughter because she is very sad over the poor relationship she has with her children.
I told her that we won't be "helping" her daughter to have a relationship with them. It is 100% on her daughter to develop that. We won't stand in the way of it, but that her daughter has hurt the children over and over again. She has let them down constantly and we are not going to help that to happen again. I reminded her we are talking about 8 years of her daughter not being there for her children, not a few months. I said if her daughter wants a relationship with the kids then she needs to be the one making the phone calls and doing things, it isn't the kids responsibility or ours. And I said it took her daughter 8 years to destroy her relationship with the kids so she should be realistic and understand that it isn't going to come back together right away. They have a lot of hurt, anger, and resentment towards her. They don't trust that she will be around. They are used to her coming and going.
The grandma said she knows that and she wishes things were different. Then she was very nice and said that she knows that hubby and I have done a wonderful job with the kids. She just wishes that her daughter would have been more involved in their lives instead of her own. And she said that her daughter is really trying to turn her life around.
So hopefully now I will not get any more rude texts from grandma. And hopefully bm will step up and take responsibility for her actions and do what she needs to do.
Heck I'm almost 30 and don't remember to call my mother half the time.
~TTC #1 together 1 year and counting ~
Battling Estrogen Dominance, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Recurrent Miscarriage one day at a time
Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew and Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel and Dee 01/18/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/21/2012@4w1dKonnor 11/24/2012@3w6d"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6dRonen 02/102013@3w5d
I get that parents get upset when their kids don't think of them when they are with the other parent. I get bummed when we don't hear from O. But he also NEVER asks to call his mom. Kids live in the moment, they like to just live. They havent yet been taught how to please everyone, it's why kids are so wonderful and innocent!
Hope you had a GREAT thanksgiving!
Jennifer - Married to DH 3.10.13 - Stepmom to 8yoDSS - TTC Cycle #3
Thanks everyone. I felt pretty good after the call.
I get that bm's parents are upset at her relationship with the kids. Everyone gets upset when their kids screw up. It has to make them feel badly that their daughter has turned out the way she has. I kinda feel bad for them because they seem like great people who have gone out of their way to keep a relationship with their grandkids and try to help their daughter. They probably are just frustrated and are trying to help her. Hopefully me taking a stand made them realize that they were going about it wrong by trying to put it all on me and hubby.