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  #1  
December 4th, 2012, 09:54 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've been having a rough week. Eric got called into Louisiana last minute this week for work, and we have O this week.

O of course didn't want him to go, but he said he'd be back in 4 days and we'd have a super fun weekend. I promised O we would have fun this week to make the time fly till dad gets back.

Tonight, he had soccer practice. I sat with his mom, as usual, and we chatted. Not about anything in particular, though she does now claim she has hypoglycemia and is going in for multiple tests tomorrow morning. Anywho, pleasant conversation, no big deal. (I mean she did tell him to giver her a hug because she hasn't seen him ALL week. It's Tuesday, we picked him up Sunday at 6pm lol.)

We go to leave, and she walks with us to the parking lot. He gives her a hug and walks towards the car. I say, "Okay buddy, put your soccer ball in the trunk and hop in." He then runs to his mom, hugs on to her, and says, "Nooooo I wanna go with my mommyyyy I miss my mommyyyyyy."

I was completely taken aback. I was not expecting that at all. She replies, "Aww I miss you too buddy, hey Jennifer he can stay the night if he wants to."

This part was kind of a blur. She didn't know Eric was out of town. She offered right in front of him. I was hurting from what he said. I blurted out, "Thats okay. All his school stuff is at the house anyway." She said okay and gave him a hug and he got in the car. He's been fine since.

I, however, have been kind of a mess. I called Eric crying. I told him what O said, and he told me not to take it personally. I KNOW that she is his mom. I know that last week he spent 2 nights at his grandmas because she was too busy with school to care for him. I know he misses his dad. I know he didn't mean to hurt me.

I asked Eric, "Should I have just said yes?"

he feels that sine she asked in front of O, and doesnt know that Eric wasnt going to see him in the morning, that it was best to do it how I did. He doesn't want O to start manipulating back and forth and thinking he can just say he wants to go to the other house if he doesn't get his way. being that he was completely fine for the rest of the night, Eric said I made the right choice.

He has soccer practice again tomorrow, and she will most likely be there.

I'm just so confused because all she's done is say she's too busy to do anything until she's done with this semester, it totally caught me off guard.

O could tell I was upset and he came up to me and hugged me. I think things will be resolved when his dad gets back.
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  #2  
December 4th, 2012, 10:21 PM
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I'm tired, so I'm trying to understand, he didn't go, right?

I can totally get how that will hurt. It would have hurt me the same if Doni were to have ever said she wanted to go to her moms in front of me knowing Kev wasn't around. But at the same times, they're just kids and at that age it's rough. I know she's pulled the I want to go back home to my mom during her summer visits to Kev and he's been hurt. But the way she nagged and carried on, he gave in out of anger. Eric has the right idea about teaching him that he can't just go back and forth. It will only get worse. Doni tries that crap now, saying she wants to go live with her mom when she doesn't get her way around here. After the blow out with Kev, she conveniently forgets she ever said it.
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  #3  
December 4th, 2012, 10:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I'm tired, so I'm trying to understand, he didn't go, right?

I can totally get how that will hurt. It would have hurt me the same if Doni were to have ever said she wanted to go to her moms in front of me knowing Kev wasn't around. But at the same times, they're just kids and at that age it's rough. I know she's pulled the I want to go back home to my mom during her summer visits to Kev and he's been hurt. But the way she nagged and carried on, he gave in out of anger. Eric has the right idea about teaching him that he can't just go back and forth. It will only get worse. Doni tries that crap now, saying she wants to go live with her mom when she doesn't get her way around here. After the blow out with Kev, she conveniently forgets she ever said it.
Correct, he didn't go. I felt bad because she is his mom. And I feel like O saying he wanted to go with her almost means I should have let him go.

But we have week on week off. And this is the first week that O hasn't seen Eric every single day. I know it's tough. But he needs for us to keep his routine. Maybe tomorrow when I pick him up from school I will have him give his a mom a call, have a nice special chat in case she can't make it to practice.

I dunno. I'm still new to this. I don't know what the right answer is. if Eric were here then obviously he would stay here. Though I don't think he'd be upset and wanting his mom if he at least had his dad here. ugh. Idk. 8 is a tough age.
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  #4  
December 4th, 2012, 10:52 PM
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I think you have the right answer. During the summer M asked to call his grandfather after he got in trouble. It'd been a few hours so we didn't think anything of it. Asked to come home and instead of saying you need to spend the summer with your dad he's leaving, he said M could come home anytime he wanted. Cue disaster.
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  #5  
December 4th, 2012, 11:45 PM
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*hugs* I can totally imagine that stinging. We haven't had this happen since right after the divorce, Reme didn't do so well last summer (summer 2011). He played us well that year.

But you did the right thing. He needs to know that everyone's on the same page. I'd also have Eric tell her not to mention that stuff in front of O anymore, it's not fair to O or to you (or Eric) to be put on the spot like that.






We usually have the opposite issue. Reme throws a fit when he doesn't want to leave our house and go home to his mom. He cried on Sunday because he wanted to stay longer. DH is going to see if we can keep him from Christmas day until New years Eve to make up for the time that DH isn't getting due to Reme being in school and the order not being followed.
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  #6  
December 5th, 2012, 09:51 AM
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I know there's been a rocky past with her substance abuse history, however, dos their order read first right of refusal? Meaning if he is gone, then O should go to her if she can, if not, then back to you?

I don't think O is manipulating, but just wanting/needing extra time, I mean if he knows what was up with the other stuff, it might have shook him (the blocked off streets and stuff) and his mom was there so she gets it, so he'll cling to her. I don't really know just speculating.

I'm sure it hurt to feel regected, but there's a good sign he's loving on his mom like that
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  #7  
December 5th, 2012, 04:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w292737 View Post
I know there's been a rocky past with her substance abuse history, however, dos their order read first right of refusal? Meaning if he is gone, then O should go to her if she can, if not, then back to you?

I don't think O is manipulating, but just wanting/needing extra time, I mean if he knows what was up with the other stuff, it might have shook him (the blocked off streets and stuff) and his mom was there so she gets it, so he'll cling to her. I don't really know just speculating.

I'm sure it hurt to feel regected, but there's a good sign he's loving on his mom like that
I don't think O is manipulating. I just don't want it to turn into that.

The first right of refusal thing we really don't address. She doesn't call us when she leaves him at her parents house twice a week, we don't ask her when Eric is out of town. And to be fair, it says more than 6 waking hours. O gets out of school at 3 and goes to bed at 9.
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  #8  
December 5th, 2012, 06:24 PM
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It's a kid thing don't beat yourself up. Sophia will sometimes get that way when she is tired or just plain cranky. And it's when she needs to go with me, or with her dad.
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  #9  
December 5th, 2012, 07:09 PM
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Thanks guys. I know I will never compare to his mom or his dad. I know he's probably a little clingy given his past. We had an amazing night tonight. It was parents vs. kids at soccer practice and he kept hugging me and telling me how much fun he was having with me. It really helped
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  #10  
December 5th, 2012, 10:23 PM
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Im glad that he made you feel better tonight.

My first thought was too, the right of refusal. My ex and I live 15 min from each other but you better believe that if either of us cant be at home for whatever reason with our son or cant take him with us, that we call each other first. Im talking 2 hours or more though. I love my dp and I know he can and will take care of my son like his own but I dont feel its his responsibility to do so if I couldnt and same with his children. Not only that but I really HIGHLY doubt his ex would like it to much if he was gone for 4 days and it was just me taking care of them. As much as I love them and have been here for the past four years I would still be uncomfortable doing that.

I do think its great that you feel comfortable enough to do it. Do you think she will say anything to you guys if and or when she finds out?
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  #11  
December 5th, 2012, 10:35 PM
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Originally Posted by stucklikeglue View Post
Im glad that he made you feel better tonight.

My first thought was too, the right of refusal. My ex and I live 15 min from each other but you better believe that if either of us cant be at home for whatever reason with our son or cant take him with us, that we call each other first. Im talking 2 hours or more though. I love my dp and I know he can and will take care of my son like his own but I dont feel its his responsibility to do so if I couldnt and same with his children. Not only that but I really HIGHLY doubt his ex would like it to much if he was gone for 4 days and it was just me taking care of them. As much as I love them and have been here for the past four years I would still be uncomfortable doing that.

I do think its great that you feel comfortable enough to do it. Do you think she will say anything to you guys if and or when she finds out?
I'm not sure. Shes a lot of talk when it comes to that, but every time we offer for her to take him she's conveniently too busy. She enjoys her free time.

She has made comments in the past that if Eric is not there she'd be happy to take O. I don't mind having him at all. It's better than being alone. I love being his stepmom and I love bonding with him. This week was a spur of the moment caught off guard situation. We found out about it Sunday afternoon. Had we had more time to plan, we probably would have split the week with her. But she already said last week she has no time for anything until after her finals on Tuesday. I have a work Christmas party this Sat so we offered her the night with him and she said she's going to be too busy studying.

If she does bring it up, we will probably just compare to all the times she drops him off at his grandmas house without calling Eric first
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  #12  
December 5th, 2012, 10:39 PM
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It sucks when parent does one thing becomes a hypocrite when it comes to the other.

So I know how it feels from dealing with his ex... :/

I hope it doesnt resolve to you guys having to remind her that
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  #13  
December 5th, 2012, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by stucklikeglue View Post
It sucks when parent does one thing becomes a hypocrite when it comes to the other.

So I know how it feels from dealing with his ex... :/

I hope it doesnt resolve to you guys having to remind her that
When she is done with school I am sure she will want more time during our week. Unfortunately, we shouldn't have to give up OUR time just because she isn't utilizing hers properly. And it sucks because we suffer because then he misses his mom, but we are always there for him so there's no abandonment feelings there. He knows we are here and aren't going anywhere.

She told me he hasn't been to the dentist in years so I took him in today (cleared it with Eric and she was fine with me taking him too,) and he has 6 cavities and 2 decaying teeth. He needs 2 root canals and crowns. She said, "I thought it didnt matter because they are baby teeth so I never took him to the dentist."

I just need a strong drink and a break from communicating with her. My head hurts from banging it against so many walls.
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  #14  
December 5th, 2012, 11:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stucklikeglue View Post
Im glad that he made you feel better tonight.

My first thought was too, the right of refusal. My ex and I live 15 min from each other but you better believe that if either of us cant be at home for whatever reason with our son or cant take him with us, that we call each other first. Im talking 2 hours or more though. I love my dp and I know he can and will take care of my son like his own but I dont feel its his responsibility to do so if I couldnt and same with his children. Not only that but I really HIGHLY doubt his ex would like it to much if he was gone for 4 days and it was just me taking care of them. As much as I love them and have been here for the past four years I would still be uncomfortable doing that.

I do think its great that you feel comfortable enough to do it. Do you think she will say anything to you guys if and or when she finds out?
Hmm.. I thought first right meant having someone who resides outside the home look after the child?

I could see first right if you needed a baby sitter. But a step parent isn't a baby sitter, it's the second caretaker of the house.

I get that you'd feel uncomfortable with it... but really it could be very disruptive to the child to be shipped around all the time just because the step parent is the only one there rather than the bio parent. We have first right, and I know at least for us, that means someone who doesn't reside in one of his houses. Which is good, because if not, we would have to take Reme a lot more than we do (which would be fine) because his Step Dad often watches him for 12+ hours alone because L's working. And that would completely throw off his schedule, and relationship with his step dad.
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  #15  
December 6th, 2012, 12:02 AM
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I think different things work for different people, but I agree the right of first refusal being imposed wouldn't work for us either. D is military and it'd be super disruptive.

The dentist thing....take me higher I can NOT believe she really thought baby teeth were just throw aways. They're in his gums which are housing his adult teeth. Not to mention infection. Cheese and rice.
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  #16  
December 6th, 2012, 01:02 AM
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I had a crown on a baby tooth. Wasn't fun to lose that sucker at all.

I have fillings in and between every molar. I had the same for my baby teeth. No amount of dental care was going to help me. They tried to convince my mom to pull them all out at 13 and give me false teeth/dentures because my teeth wouldn't last past 16. *grins* I'm 29 and I'm only missing one, and that's because it broke several times before I could afford to get it looked at. So needless to say I will most def be taking my kids to a dentist!!!
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  #17  
December 6th, 2012, 04:32 AM
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I have been taking Sophia to the dentist since her first tooth at 4mts old. 2 summers ago we had to have work done on every single tooth in her mouth! We only did the molars, because all her front teeth have fallen out. She was born with no enamel on her baby teeth. No amount of brushing was going to help her. I am a big advocate of taking care of baby teeth!!! I had one dentist make me feel like absolute crap because she needed so much work done. Come to find out it wasn't my fault at all!!
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  #18  
December 6th, 2012, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
Hmm.. I thought first right meant having someone who resides outside the home look after the child?

I could see first right if you needed a baby sitter. But a step parent isn't a baby sitter, it's the second caretaker of the house.

I get that you'd feel uncomfortable with it... but really it could be very disruptive to the child to be shipped around all the time just because the step parent is the only one there rather than the bio parent. We have first right, and I know at least for us, that means someone who doesn't reside in one of his houses. Which is good, because if not, we would have to take Reme a lot more than we do (which would be fine) because his Step Dad often watches him for 12+ hours alone because L's working. And that would completely throw off his schedule, and relationship with his step dad.
I dont want to sound like the worst person ever. I really dont. Ive watched my dsc before. I do it every summer. Id rather not do any overnights with them. I just dont feel comfortable enough because by 5 when dp comes home Im ready to pull my hair out. They dont always like to listen to me. They can be lazy and when I tell them to do something Im getting attitude back. It just doesnt happen here though. I dont travel because Im currently not working and dp works in the car industry so he doesnt travel either. I really dont think that situation apply to us.

I know in my documents it states that if the mother cannot watch the child then I must ask his father before offering anyone else. Im not sure how that works with house members as it really hasnt come down to it. I mean if Im going to the store or a baby shower or something like that dp keeps him. its only a few hours and it doesnt happen often. I meant more of an overnight thing. I even do that with my parents... we (dp and I) are going to a wedding next weekend. I told bd hey can you keep him. he said sure. thought we were going to take Brea with us bc she goes everywhere with us and dp asked last week what we were going to do with her. I said take her with us and then realized that she is/ has been very active and maybe a wedding isnt the best place for her. So I asked my parents if they wanted to watch her. (keep in mind no one besides dp and myself have ever watched her.) They were ecstatic and then asked about Aiden. I didnt even think of it! so I do it to them too lol. I did call his father and he said he would ask to see if he wanted to go over there. Either way Ill ask again this weekend.


I am happy she can be comfortable doing this. I agree it can be disruptive. I know because when this first happened to me with the whole right of refusal I thought I had to call for every little thing if it was for an hour or more. so if I dropped him back off at his dads when I went to pick him up he would throw a fit. didnt want to come back with me. SO I get it. I really do.
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  #19  
December 6th, 2012, 08:32 AM
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I wouldn't consider his grandparents just anyone or outsiders. He has a right to have time with them as well. Just a thought.
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  #20  
December 6th, 2012, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
When she is done with school I am sure she will want more time during our week. Unfortunately, we shouldn't have to give up OUR time just because she isn't utilizing hers properly. And it sucks because we suffer because then he misses his mom, but we are always there for him so there's no abandonment feelings there. He knows we are here and aren't going anywhere.

She told me he hasn't been to the dentist in years so I took him in today (cleared it with Eric and she was fine with me taking him too,) and he has 6 cavities and 2 decaying teeth. He needs 2 root canals and crowns. She said, "I thought it didnt matter because they are baby teeth so I never took him to the dentist."I just need a strong drink and a break from communicating with her. My head hurts from banging it against so many walls.
that's a bit presumpusion to assume she isn't using her time properly while she has O. (not attacking just saying you don't really know and being a single parent it is harder sometime sot juggle and takes practice)




It's too bad she didn't take him, but did he always have ins? also I take my girls ever 6 months, C still has had 4 cavites filled and one crown. she just has the type of teeth that have issues. she's had teeth pulled, and her mouth will, literally, end up costing me tens of thousands of dollars before she is an adult. Yes he sould go, but you can't always control. Also is he brushing well? and not eating after burshing before bet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
Hmm.. I thought first right meant having someone who resides outside the home look after the child? I could see first right if you needed a baby sitter. But a step parent isn't a baby sitter, it's the second caretaker of the house.

I get that you'd feel uncomfortable with it... but really it could be very disruptive to the child to be shipped around all the time just because the step parent is the only one there rather than the bio parent. We have first right, and I know at least for us, that means someone who doesn't reside in one of his houses. Which is good, because if not, we would have to take Reme a lot more than we do (which would be fine) because his Step Dad often watches him for 12+ hours alone because L's working. And that would completely throw off his schedule, and relationship with his step dad.
depends how it's wrote. you can do it however. I know around here it's standard to be parent(bio) not just anyone who lives in the home.
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