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When they don't want to go.


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  • 2 Post By K.A.T
  • 1 Post By Stepmom2Be

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  #1  
December 30th, 2012, 04:50 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 52
What do you do when your kids don't want to go on visitation?

My DH and I are custodial, and BM lives in a different state. She sees SD twice a year, summer and Winter break. She is not a bad person, and although we have disagreements, no one is manipulative. What she isnt, is dedicated to her daughter. And being that SD is in 6th grade now, she knows it. She tells hubby and I how she feels it. Now that she has a little sister, she also sees what BM looks like as a dedicated mother, and it bothers her. This summer SD suffered a fairly large let down from BM. A turning point that showed SD once and for all that she is not as important to her as she would hope. My heart broke holding SD as she cried. She told me so many things she had hidden inside all this time. How shes jelous of her little sister, how she thinks her BM's new husband is more important to her than she is, and how she just knows that shes not trying. (I havent spoken to BM since SD started confiding all her hurt in me, because I dont have a good poker face and I can't hide that the way she hurt SD makes me want to hurt her back, but I cant)

Now SD makes comments that Jab at her mother. Maybe this is how she copes, not sure. DH and I always said that we wouldnt talk bad about BM to SD. DH has said that he wouldnt feel confortable talkign about BM's parenting choice etc at all with SD until she was at least 18 or close to it, if not for custody reasons alone. In a conversation in the car the other day SD mentioned a footprint keepsake of hers that her BM has, and DH said that acutally that used to be his, and he hasnt seen it since the divorce. SD said "oh well, you have me....let her keep her stupid footprint" whoa!! When packing for Winter break she was tryign to figure out what to wear and I said to think about what she normally does when she goes over there, and how she shoudl be dressed for that. SD Said "well, she takes me around to family and shows me off like everything is normal how do you dress for that"

anyway, the night before she left, she was very clingy and hugging on me alot, and then said she didnt want to go. She said a week is too long and by the time she gets back it will be time to go to school. And there was so much she was going to miss here. She said she has cramps in her stomach over the summer when she lays down to bed at night, and its from missing home. She realized that next year she will be with her mom for Christmas not new years, and that she will miss her little brothers first Christmas (I'm pregnant, due in a few weeks). And she just didnt want to go anymore, she misses too much. Or maybe she could just go for a couple days and come back.
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  #2  
December 31st, 2012, 08:41 AM
Happy Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest
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I'd send her, encourage her. I feel, it's our job as parents, to help foster the relationship, so long as the other parent wants it, and isn't a dead beat.
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  #3  
December 31st, 2012, 09:56 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I'm sorry. That sounds difficult.

I would encourage the relationship, anyway, but still validate her hurt and frustration. Long distance can be really hard for everyone, and I'm sure that the fact that there is a sibling that is with bm all the time makes it even harder. I'm not sure about all of your circumstances, but it doesn't sound, to me, like the bm is a deadbeat either - I'm not sure why she's far away and she's allowed to have other children - but your dsd's hurt is valid too, and I would encourage her to talk about her feelings if it would help her to process.

Is it an option for her to try talking to bm directly about her emotions? Has she tried before? The snarky and sarcastic comments definitely sound like they come from a place of deep hurt, and I wonder if being able to talk to the parent who she feels hurt by would help ease some of those emotions. If not, being a listening ear at home is always valuable, and I'm glad that she has you and her daddy to come to.
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  #4  
December 31st, 2012, 10:03 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Just let her vent and encourage those visits. We never forced the visits if dsd didn't want them, however, we all live in the same state so it's not a huge deal if she skips a visit. Since your stepchild sees bm so little, its best to try and foster that relationship.

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  #5  
December 31st, 2012, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I'm sorry. That sounds difficult.

I'm not sure about all of your circumstances, but it doesn't sound, to me, like the bm is a deadbeat either - I'm not sure why she's far away and she's allowed to have other children - but your dsd's hurt is valid too, and I would encourage her to talk about her feelings if it would help her to process.

Is it an option for her to try talking to bm directly about her emotions? Has she tried before?
BM is not a deadbeat. She just has other priorites. She voluntarily took non-custodial 9 years ago and has had summer and winter visits ever since. She is remarried and happy with her family.

I guess none of this makes sense unless I tell you the summer issue. BM has always lived in a different state than us. But this past summer she called and said she was moving back to our state (where her family lives) she took SD for the whole summer. She stayed at SD's GM and had her little sister with her too. She told her she would be there for SD's games etc.. Even after school started BM came week nights to pick SD up and take her to dinner. It was working out really well. Then one day BM called SD and said it wasnt working out and she was moving away again. She didnt offer an explination except that it didnt work out. SD was devistated. BUT..SD wouldnt tell BM she was upset. She was picked up by BM twice after that call and both times she pretended she was fine, and laughing. Then she came home and cried.

I tried to empower her to talk to BM. Didnt work, she didnt want to make it "worse". So finally I make a decision that I was unsure about. I violated her trust pretty much, and talked to her GM. (BM's mom) one day. (GM is local and SD and she are close). GM told BM to call SD and talk about it and she did. SD told me about thier conversation, but BM's reasons just proved to SD that she wasnt important.

We did encorage SD to go for winter break, and she did. BM even brought a present for our baby when she came. I really hope that SD finds her voice and tells BM how hurt she is.
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  #6  
December 31st, 2012, 12:38 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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You really should just let this one be. Allow dsd to work this out on her own with bm. She needs to deal with her pain and decide if she wants to discuss it with bm or not. Just be her sounding board. Sometimes we as stepparents really want to get in the middle, especially when our dsc are in pain. But we really shouldn't get involved. The best that can be done is just be there for them when they need us.

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  #7  
December 31st, 2012, 12:46 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I said it DOESN'T sound like she's a deadbeat.

I think it sounds like you're doing everything you can to encourage healing for your dsd. I'm sorry she isn't ready to be more open with her bm about her feelings. I would continue to let her vent, continue to encourage the visits and continue otherwise supporting her.

It sounds like the move is the biggest thing hurting her right now. Perhaps it would be helpful to refocus your conversations to, "What would make you feel more secure/happy with your bm?" Obviously, bm moving back and being in her life on a more day to day basis would be ideal, but since that isn't really on the table right now, I wonder if something else could be done to help (could they talk more? does she get alone time with her mom when she visits, or is her little sister always there too? would alone time help?). It doesn't mean it would erase all of her hurt and frustration, but if it could help her heal and feel more loved it might be worth looking into.
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  #8  
December 31st, 2012, 01:32 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I agree with everyone else. Encourage her and try to foster the relationship with her mom.
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  #9  
January 1st, 2013, 03:49 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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thanks, I guess we will just keep doing what were doing and see how it goes. She doesnt come back for a few more days, maybe something with change by then.
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  #10  
January 2nd, 2013, 04:33 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
You really should just let this one be. Allow dsd to work this out on her own with bm. She needs to deal with her pain and decide if she wants to discuss it with bm or not. Just be her sounding board. Sometimes we as stepparents really want to get in the middle, especially when our dsc are in pain. But we really shouldn't get involved. The best that can be done is just be there for them when they need us.

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I agree with this. Sounds like she is having a rough time. Pretty similar to my situation and how my sd has coped at times. When she has told her bm how she feels bm has just gotten mad, yelled at her, and then avoided her. It made things worse. All you can do is be there for her.
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  #11  
January 2nd, 2013, 09:53 PM
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thanks. It looks like shes having a good time based on the Facebook pictures BM is posting of her. But SD is pretty good and not letting on that something is bothering her. She sent me a message on FB that she loves me today. That was sweet So hopefully thats a sign she really is in high spirits.
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  #12  
January 2nd, 2013, 10:10 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That's good!

I don't have tons of advice for you as I am new to this. It sounds like you and SD have a great relationship and that is awesome!

Is there maybe a way that her and her mom can skype or something in between visits?

When we had full custody of my stepson, his mom would call a lot and they'd talk. He, however, was only 6 and in the very beginning stages of feeling abandoned by her, so he had more of a "Why doesn't she want me I want her to want me" mentality.

6th grade is a tough age Thats when you get your period, your first boyfriend, and your awkward looks pretty much all in the same day. Hugs
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