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Crazy dream got me thinking.....


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  • 1 Post By K.A.T
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  #1  
January 5th, 2013, 11:10 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Last night out of nowhere I dreamt about BM??

In my dream she had a new bf and just showed up at our house to take the kids, no call or plans or anything. And then she told us of all these plans her and her new bf made to do with the kids all weekend. In the dream hubby and I were shocked and it all happened so quick we didn't do/say anything.

I woke up thinking about it. And I realized what if the next time the kids go visit their grandparents bm has a boyfriend? What do we do? Do we only send them under the condition that bm isn't allowed to have any guys around them? Since we don't trust her judgement based on her last 8 years of decisions.
Anyone ever dealt with this?
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  #2  
January 5th, 2013, 12:07 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I think I'm a little confused, or maybe missing some back story. What's the risk in sending the kids to visit her if she has a boyfriend? I know you've said you don't trust her judgement, but what does that mean specifically? I guess in my mind, if she has a boyfriend who she'd rather run around with while the kids are supposed to be visiting her, won't the kids just be spending time with their grandparents instead?

My gut feeling is to not get involved in whether or not she has a boyfriend. I could be missing something, but I don't see the value in telling her she can't have a boyfriend around the kids (which wouldn't even be really enforceable, especially without adding it into the CO) compared to the drama it would lead to.

That and it isn't even a sure thing that she has/will have a boyfriend at the time of their next visit. It just seems like a battle that doesn't need to be fought, KWIM?
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  #3  
January 5th, 2013, 12:12 PM
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You can't dictate her personal relationships with others, regardless of her poor decision making skills in the past. You just need to leave it be. If the day does come where she has a boyfriend and she decides to bring that man around the kids, you guys will just have to deal with it unless he becomes a danger to the kids.
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  #4  
January 5th, 2013, 02:33 PM
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Her last boyfriend was abusive. He was mean to my step kids. He beat her. He verbally abused her in front of my step kids. And we found out way later that he also got physical with my step kids once or twice. Eventually we didn't allow them around him.

We don't trust her judgement in men, or her ability to protect the children. During sd's last visit she witnessed her mom's abuse. She helped her mom pack and move during a heated argument. She was told to keep things from us. And her bm tried to explain away the abuse and give excuses for it.

We don't want the kids exposed to that again. That is why it got me thinking about what to do if she has a boyfriend next time they go visit their grandparents.
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  #5  
January 5th, 2013, 03:30 PM
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Unfortunately you can not dictate who she brings around the kids.

The best you can do is give the kids advice on what to do if she gets into another bad relationship. Let them know they should tell you right away if abuse is envolved.
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  #6  
January 5th, 2013, 08:00 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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While that makes me angry for your dsd, it unfortunately still doesn't give you or your dh the power to dictate whether or not she dates (especially since, at this time, there's nothing concrete to suggest she even has a boyfriend, or will have one when the kids visit her next). If she were still dating the same guy who got physical with the kids, I would feel a lot differently, but as it is... we're talking about an unknown, theoretical boyfriend.

It sounds like bm is living with her parents still. If that's the case, wouldn't the kids be staying with them too and thus not at her house/a boyfriend's house? If the situation arose where she did want to take them over to a boyfriend's house, you could reach out to the grandmother (since it sounds like you're on at least cordial terms with her) and see if she could encourage the kids staying at their house (she could present it to bm as a way to have some alone time with her boyfriend maybe, and he can meet and visit with the kids at bm's parents' place if she really, really wants to bring him around)? It may open up a can of worms, though.
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  #7  
January 7th, 2013, 08:28 AM
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^Ditto to eveyrone above. you can't not send them. though if I remember right yuor husband has full custody right? so you could really just not send them. so I'd either do that, or send them and trust them. but not send them with a list of rules.
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  #8  
January 7th, 2013, 10:30 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ro you are correct, we could technically just not send them. I don't want to do that to the grandparents though....but I do feel like saying that their time should be spent with family and not random people bm wants to spend her time with shouldn't be such a big deal. I mean given her past choices that were going on until recently. I don't know. It would be a big relief for us to not have to worry.
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  #9  
January 7th, 2013, 01:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
You can't dictate her personal relationships with others, regardless of her poor decision making skills in the past. You just need to leave it be. If the day does come where she has a boyfriend and she decides to bring that man around the kids, you guys will just have to deal with it unless he becomes a danger to the kids.
This. Totally.
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