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  #1  
January 22nd, 2013, 07:17 AM
Megs982's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've posted in the past..Haven't been active ..at all Between James and I...having 6 kids together its been crazy lol..

Brief reintroduction.

I have 4 (12B, 10G, 7B, and 9mthsG) James has 2 (12B & 4B) anywho. We finally made the plunge and moved in together in November, and its been anything but easy concerning BM and James' 12 year old. We had little "normal" issues here and there before the move in, but BM is making it impossible at this point.

James has the boys every weekend, and I have my 4 one weekend a month, they are with there dad the other 3. EVERY weekend there is some issue. The other weekend I had to run after our dog, who darted out the door (she's a husky and loves to run away lol) Anywho i had no shoes on.. a hour or so later the 12 year old took a pic of my feet (without our knowledge) sent it to his mother and told her we are dirty. Fast forward a few days. BM was with her room mate while she was having her baby (the room mate) So we had the boys onto Monday, took the older one to school and when she came and got the 4 year old she seen where my 9mth old scratched my face. She started texting me a bunch of bs..short version of the story she called the cops said she thinks they should come make sure everything is ok because my face is bloody (small scratch from a 9mth old on my nose)..she told James she did this because he wouldn't leave me. We showed the cops this and they left thinking BM had done lost her mind lol. Anyways. Over the weeks we told James' 12 year old that he couldn't prance around the house with his phone that he was to keep it on top of the entertainment center and use it for er purposes only, no pictures nothing we have a camera for him to use for that (just because BM has been being vindictive about things and twisting it around) Well Friday, He told James no, mom said he had to keep it on him at all times in case we fight (we do NOT fight lol) So, anything that his 12 year old gets asked to do 12 year old says he doesn't have too because mom said he doesn't need to..including listening to his father.

We have a court date for child support next month, so James is trying to be on his best behavior and bowing down to his son so that things dont get twisted in court (there has been no court ordered c/s till this point.. james has just been paying her out of his good heart)

Lets just say, James has more patience for this unruly attitude behavior and I am about to loose my mind. His two are given the same rules as mine..Mine do not have a problem with any of them (clean up after yourself, let the dogs out simple stuff) and neither does James' 4 year old.. I told James that I believe this is way above his head at this point and that they need to seek counseling but BM won't allow it.

We are engaged and to get married on September 28th of this year. We haven't told his sons yet, for the fear of whats already going on. She's already feeding his head full of "Dad and Megan don't want you anymore they are making babies to have their own family, he loves her kids more then you ect ect ect" We were at a friends house the other day with the boys and the friend is in the wedding and not knowing the boys didn't know..well it got brought up. 12 year old went snooping through our room and in our closet seen my wedding books..We received a text last night from BM saying congrats way to basically say F'you to your kid because you're getting married"

I am at a loss to do anymore. I am not leaving James over his boys.. we can work through this, But I am SO stressed out after every weekend its pathetic. I feel bad for the 12 year old because of what BM is doing, but he's got to eventually have a mind of his own and atleast ASK..but he did once..2 weeks ago he asked james if we were having sex in THIS house..***?? Might I add, we found gang signs on his phone when James looked through the pictures.

ladies..Im begging.. where do I go from here, what do James and I do when BM is refusing to let 12 year old get counseling..Im a mess

Last edited by Megs982; January 22nd, 2013 at 07:22 AM.
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  #2  
January 23rd, 2013, 08:07 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I can sympathize with a lot of this. My 13 yo dss desperately needs therapist assistance and his mother refuses to take him, too. It's extremely frustrating. Is there any possibility that your stb-dh could take him? What does their CO say regarding medical decision making? My heart hurts for your dss.

We have had to tell my other dss (9) that he needs to leave his phone at home when he comes to visit us. He spends hours watching Youtube videos on it, and then sends bm text messages about being miserable and wanting to come home if dh tells him he needs to find something else to do for awhile. He gets grumpy with his siblings when he's got his phone, and generally has no concept of how to manage his own screen time and reacts badly when dh or I intervene for him. The kids all know where the phone is and know they are welcome to call their mom if they would like to, but his phone has been banned from our house because it causes nothing but problems.

Their bm also teaches them that their dad's rules don't matter. Her home has no rules. I'm sure you can imagine how that works out. They're wonderful kids, but they do have a lot of trouble adjusting to having boundaries on screen time, chores, and needing to be kind to one another.

I wouldn't worry about the upcoming court date and C/S being impacted by your stb-dh laying some ground rules regarding the phone. You dss's mother blatantly telling him to ignore his father and to keep her in the loop on what's going on in your home is actually rather frowned upon by the court. My dsc's mother grills them about every detail of our lives too. C/S is determined by income and number on children - whether your dh allows constant use of a cell phone (which frankly, no 12 year old needs) has nothing to do with it.

Don't let her crazy run your home. Seriously. Parent everyone the way you feel you ought to, and let her tantrum about it. Your home should be your safe place. Especially if you're about to get married and thus a little early into the crazy world of blended family life, make your boundaries clear and firm *now*, not later.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do about her filling their heads with the, "They don't care about you, they have their new family that they care about" mantra. It's horrible and sick and I can't understand how a parent can willfully do that to their child, but you can't control what she says. What you *can* do is reassure all of your children that they are loved and that they are wanted while they are with you. Tell them so, do things as a family and try your best to do right by your family regardless of what she says or does. Crazy is always going to act crazy.
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  #3  
January 23rd, 2013, 07:29 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Ditto Kayla. C/S and how you run your house have nothing to do with each other. There is a formula followed, and that is pretty much all that matters. A few small things might, big might, alter the formula, but those cases are few and far between. How one parents their child in their own home isn't one of them. If she really has issues with how the child is being parented while in the care of his father, she will have to go to court on that matter alone. Even then it will be a long road for her.
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  #4  
January 24th, 2013, 07:16 AM
Megs982's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well, everything would be all great if James wouldn't be terrified of BM, and what she will twist around in court. Yes, its a very sick thing she is doing by using their child but at this point, my hands are tied. This child has laughed in his fathers face, hit him ect. Im a nervous wreck every Friday before they are even there.

I am trying to be the loving support system here, but by the end of the weekend when my own 4 come home..my patience for them is gone zilch, ran out the door.

12 year old stb-ss has to be entertained. He is the most co-dependent person James and I have ever seen. He can't even play the xbox, or watch tv without someone there. He has come to the conclusion that we basically should take him to disney world pretty much every weekend and right now we can't afford it. We get "well mom does this and does that every day." So its put a huge guilt trip on James. James, had the that nasty flu that went around recently and was off work for over a week. His son, accused him of "faking it" so that he didn't have to spend just time with him. Come Sunday night we get text message after text message of BM cussing James out because he didn't spend time with his boys away from me.

What are some steps that *I* can do to make this more peaceful, not only on the boys, but James and I? We try and do loving things (watch movies do projects ect) with the boys but its never enough and its always a argument from stb ss by the end of the weekend and tattling to BM. We've sat him down (and James also has on his own) had heart to hearts with him and he's good for a hour, but then the rage comes back. He's asked his dad why he can't fix things with his mom, he's even asked if James and I were having sex in this house! lol
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  #5  
January 24th, 2013, 11:00 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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There is nothing more that *you* can do to make this situation better. The problem lies in what the bm is saying and doing (which you can't do anything about), what your stb-dh is willing to allow (which you can encourage and communicate about but at the end of the day, you can't force him to put his foot down either) and how much power you give your 12 yo stb-dss. I know that isn't the answer you were hoping for, but the truth is that the problems that exist are outside of your control without cooperation from your stb-dh (since it's his child and his ex that he's allowing to run the show at your home).

Can your stb-dh take your dss in for counseling? I think you are already aware that this child is hurting and needs a safe way to process his feelings about his parents being split up. I've been a child of divorced parents; it can be tough. I think it's fantastic that y'all try to talk to him, but a professional, neutral third party would probably be able to offer him a lot more in terms of coping, processing and moving forward.

In the meantime, and I know you said J is afraid of the bm, I would continue to parent the way you both see fit. Your dss is entitled to have his own feelings about the fact that his parents are not together, and it's not uncommon for him to need time to process and adjust to his new family structure. He is not entitled to run the show at your house, act out, hit your dh, etc. When we hear, "At Mommy's house..." in protest to one of our rules, we calmly respond with, "I understand that, but you're not Mommy's house. At our house, XYZ is not allowed." It rarely comes up (we mostly hear it from my 12 yo dsd who's been drinking coffee and frappucino's for over a year at her mom's house - we don't agree with loading tweens up with that much caffeine and so we don't allow her to have coffee at our house) but being consistent and clear helps a lot.

J is giving his ex way too much power, and giving his son's words too much power. He does not have to entertain, take on extravagant trips, sing and dance for, etc. a 12 year old in order to be a good father, and the bm's opinion of his parenting is irrelevant. As someone who does deal with an ex who is currently attempting to control my dh's parenting in court (this past fall she filed a petition to force my dh to supervised visitation with a court assigned therapist because we had to stop doing overnights with my oldest dss, who is 13, as big as me, and has a history of violent outbursts and death threats/threats of violence as well as several official diagnoses, because she doesn't feel that he needs therapy. Our lawyer could barely keep a straight face while reading through her initial paperwork; it's that nuts) she really can't interfere in that way without any real cause. Furthermore, if she's texting harassing messages to J, I would, first, make sure that you've documented and have a copy of the messages for your record keeping and future court purposes and then I would block her number from being able to send texts to your dh. If she has something important to talk about, she can request a phone call or send an email (we insist on communicating with bm exclusively by email because the phone was causing too many problems), but she's using the convenience of texting for no purpose besides harassing your stb-dh and that's neither okay nor necessary.

In addition, people like my dh's ex, your stb-dh's ex by the sounds of it, and the exes of several other posters (or their husbands) in this forum... catering to them does not stop the crazy. Complying with them does not make them act less obnoxious, be less invasive, be less disruptive to your lives. They just find bigger and more dramatic ways to interfere and antagonize. If J thinks he's helping the situation by cowtailing to her in the name of peace keeping, he's not; would you call life with your dss and his mother as you know it 'peaceful'?

I'm sorry that there isn't more that *you* can do. The only thing that I can recommend is to take a step back, allow your stb-dh to do things as he chooses and maybe without your intervention he'll see first hand why his way isn't working, and focus your energies on your own children and the rules, etc. that you can control. You WILL drive yourself insane if you believe that you can turn this situation into something more peaceful all by yourself.
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  #6  
January 24th, 2013, 12:53 PM
CARLACB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I feel you on everything you are saying. The only thing you can do is talk to a therapist, everyone in your home and then later see if the therapist could some how talk to the bm? You guys are doing all that you can on your end but as long as a negative outside force is there battling everything you are doing, there is no win situation. Something must be done b/c it's effecting your household.
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  #7  
January 24th, 2013, 01:13 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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First off *hugs*

Second off, Kayla has nailed it pretty well, but I would like to reiterate something she's said.

Stop talking to her on the phone, and via text message. Advise her, at this point, that she can communicate through email, and you will respond, but you will no longer allow any sort of non emergency communication via telephone. Get what she's saying written down, from her email. Let a judge see what she really says. By talking to her on the phone, you (or he) encourages crazy.



Reme is a big co-depender. He has been from day one, and it is one of my biggest issues with him. Even if you can convince him to play by himself, every 2 minutes he has something stuck in your face for you to look at. His tolerance for a video game he asks to play, is about 8 minutes at which point one of us will have to go rescue his character and he will disappear off to another chair to watch us play... which is exactly what he wanted from the start.

We took a hard line around Christmas. If he wants to play, he has to play alone. If we have to take over, and he doesn't take the controller back as soon as we've saved him... we will shut it off. If what he wants is to watch one of us play, he has to ask for that, and to accept the answer. If he whines, he goes off to his room.

We also deal a lot with "Mommy doesn't make me...". After the words "I really don't care what mommy doesn't make you do!" slipped out in frustration...We developed the following.

Reme: "i don't have to do that at Mommy's house."
Me: *dramatically looks around,* "Is this mommy's house?"
Reme: "no."
Me: "Whose house is it?"
Reme: "Yours"
Me: " And who makes the rules here?"
Reme: "You do."
Me: "Ok, so we've cleared that up, this isn't mommy's house, and she doesn't get to make rules here except for bedtime limits. What are you going to do now?"
Reme: *what ever it was I asked him to do*

We no longer leave anything open for discussion. I have that same back and forth with him, several times a day. If he has it with DH.. he will tell dh it is MY house and that I make the rules LOL.



You need to explain to your DH, that what he's doing now, is what will cause him the most grief in court, not if he put his foot down. You need him on board with you. He needs to be the one putting down his foot with his son. Do not let a 12 year old rule your lives, it's not healthy for anyone.
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  #8  
January 28th, 2013, 07:39 AM
Megs982's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well, it came to a breaking point this weekend. We had company from out of town, and because James couldn't spend every waking moment with Stb-dss it was bad by Sunday night. He pulled his dad aside downstairs to talk and by the end of it he was screaming that his father puts his paycheck in my account That he's a lousy father if he marry me ect ect.. I mean blood curdling hateful screaming. I left, my sanity couldn't do anymore with him who thinks so little of me when I've been nothing but loving and BM is turning stb-dss this way. Im like James, my anxiety level is through the roof let me know when she's on her way (I went to do shopping therapy lol) and I will come home. Sad I know but I didn't know what else to do at this point. Well I was installing my 9mth olds new carseat when BM pulled into the drive way..Here comes the screaming scene in my front yard, stb-dss and her at James.. James was sticking up for himself all he could at this point and she was like "f**k you Ill see you in court" My slip of the tongue went "yep" she threw her car in park, screamed out the window "what did that B**ch say" Her son proceeded to swing open the car door get out and said Imma beat that b**ches a**" James grabbed him put him back into the car, and I called the cops.. I had, had ENOUGH by this point. Cops came and talked to all of us..Let everyone know that if stb-dss were to touch me in that manner that until he is 13, where he would be put into juvy, that he would be put on probation, counseling the whole bit.

BM refuses to let James take him to counseling so that's something we're gonna have to bring to the courts attention ect. I am at the point, where I feel I am going to need anti depressants again (had them for ppd) the officer did inform James that he physically can discipline his child and to protect himself as in self defense ect..So at least James heard that from a legal stand point and doesn't have to be scared of what BM says to the court..Its a mess over here. I hate to say this, but I am thankful its Monday
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  #9  
January 28th, 2013, 09:58 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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ugh.. it sounds like your husband's ex is trying for twatwaffle of the year. I'm sorry your weekend was so bad, I'm honestly not sure what I would do in your position...I struggled a lot with Blending in the early days (my very first post here was me positive I couldn't do it) and that was with having a crazily easy to like BM.

*hugs* I'm glad you called the police. You may have to continue to do so. And I'd love to smack his ex right now... fist to nose really. Who lets their 9 year old speak like that.. let alone teaches and encourage it?
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~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells Polypectomy - August 21st
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
Trying a few cycles of clomid and progesterone. FX this is all it takes.
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