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So.. Stb DH and I are flying out to Vegas for his work the end of June.. With all the craziness we are thinking maybe just ditching the whole schabang with a wedding and getting married in Vegas.. Only concern he has (even tho this was his idea) Is Logan feeling like he wasn't involved in it.. Thoughts?
I think Wisey's suggestion could work well. Our marriage had to take place within a certain time frame for my immigration requirements (I'm from Canada and we met online), and there simply wasn't time to plan anything elaborate. My fil married dh and I and my mil was our witness, and we were married in their backyard on a Saturday morning. That was it. We had a bigger, more formal celebration this past summer and the kids were hugely involved in that, and they had a great time. I do think it's important for the kids to be part of your family's big changes, but a party or at-home reception could work well too.
Does your dss know that you two are engaged yet? I seem to remember you saying you hadn't announced it to the kids yet because you were wary of his reaction. Was that you? If so, I would make a point to be honest with the kids about it if you do plan to elope. I know it won't change most of your day to day lives, but I think that not telling him/them until after the fact that you're getting married will lead to hurt feelings (and really, they're all going to find out eventually, so putting it off doesn't really do anyone any good, KWIM?). I would tell them that you're getting married, explain that it will just be the two of you at the ceremony but that you want to celebrate with everybody because they're important parts of your family, and you would love it if they could help you plan and throw and awesome party.
Yes, that was me. Logan doesn't know yet. We don't know how to say it to him because almost every weekend he cries for his BM and dad to get back together (keeps saying why can't mom and you work things out like you and Megan)
I have no idea how to break it to him. Mine I am not worried about and James' 4 year old Im not worried about..Its how to break it to him gently regardless of Vegas or a party, or a wedding.
If he's having a hard time with it, definitely talk to him before you do anything. We got married at the courthouse, and did not take either kid (we just went on lunch break). Even so, my 4 year old DSD was sad at first. She just really wants to be a flower girl, so once we reassured her she would still get to, it was all okay. That said, she is only 4. A 12 year old is going to have different feelings towards it and might feel very betrayed that you didn't tell him in advance or ask him to be there. Of course, I don't know your situation or your SS, so maybe just talk to your DF and get his input. He may have a good idea on the best way to handle it with him. What does he say to his son when SS asks why he and his mom can't work things out?
My stepkids weren't there for our wedding, we wanted them to be but they couldn't miss school. we told them while they were here for the summer before the wedding we were getting married , but I don't think it was even a big deal to them because I'd lived with DH since they were 3 and 1 and we had Audrey together and DH was never married to his ex.
they were also probably too young to even understand what it all meant.
I would def talk to him about how he feels, you can really decide better what you wanna do once you know if he would feel left out , and if he does talk to him about helping with the party(if you decide to have one)
I was also wondering how your df responds when L says he wishes they would work things out.
I don't know that there will ever be a *good* time to talk to him about it, but I also don't believe that he's going to stop wishing for his parents to get back together out of the blue. I would keep what you say to him very simple, and would try to time it so that he's not worn out, hungry or tired. If he's upset (which I would expect him to be -- that way you can really only be pleasantly surprised if he handles it better than expected) I would allow him to say so. Obviously, that doesn't mean that he's allowed to yell or become violent, but I would try to allow him to express his frustration/disappointment. You may not be able to do very much for him, but his feelings are going to be what they are, and the best thing that I think you can do is give him a safe place and safe way to express them and to (hopefully) process and work through them.
Who knows? He may be more receptive to the news than it seems like he would be. The finality of your df and you becoming married may even help him accept that his parents are not reconciling. I'm not sure. I do know that he's going to know eventually, and I think that you stand a much better chance of him coping well if you're up front and honest with him about than if you put it off until the last minute or wait until after the wedding to tell him. You and your df are not doing anything wrong by marrying each other, and you shouldn't have to sneak around as though you are.
It sounds like a difficult situation regardless and I'm sorry that you're there.
Well, James tells him that his mom and him tried for many years and found that they are better off friends where they don't fight as much (yes, they still fight) and that they just not are getting back together plain and simple.
Logan has expressed to James about a year ago if he gets married to anyone but his mother he refuses to be there and might just not talk to him again. James and BM were never married so I think it makes that a little harder of the why is megan good enough but not mom theory.
I know there isn't a right "time" to do this.. Its just getting up the strength to possibly crush the little boys dreams of his parents getting back together
Ahh so no matter what you guys might be up the creek regardless. We sorta had the same issue with dsd. She wasn't upset to the point where she refused to be at our wedding, but she did wonder why was I good enough and her mom wasn't. When you have kids that think that way, you and your partner just need to do what make the two of you happy. Let the kids in on what's going on but don't let them dictate how life will play out. Logan is going to be highly upset no matter what, but with time he should get over it all and move on, hopefully it will be sooner over later. You guys are in a tough spot with him. Good luck.
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I'm sure it will be difficult. I do think that telling him will perhaps allow him to let go of that hope, even if immediately his response is a negative one.
Adult relationships are complicated. I doubt that he will be able to understand why you and not his mother for many, many years. It doesn't make you bad people to move forward with your relationship and family plans even if he doesn't understand or want to accept it. Being truthful but sensitive to his feelings is the best you can do.
Good luck with however you choose to move forward.
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