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Inconsistency effecting school?


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  • 1 Post By plan4fate
  • 2 Post By mom2more

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  #1  
February 22nd, 2013, 04:38 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Do you guys have problems with an inconsistency in the structure of the 2 households effecting your step kids or kids at school?

We are very structured here. O has a routine. He gets home from school and immediately does his homework and his reading. He is required to fill out his reading log before he does anything else.

If he gets a yellow at school he loses some video game time. If he gets a pink, he loses it for the week. If he gets a purple.. we don't know what happens because a purple is bad.

On opposing weeks, he does his hw whenever. He may or may not read, his reading log is always filled out by her, on thursday, from "memory." It always says he reads more than 15 minutes, but always the same number all the way down.

This week he got a pink AND a purple with his mom. (We had his PT conference today.) She said on his moms weeks, he doesn't seem to care about his consequences. On our weeks, he works very hard to get back to a green if he moves to yellow. He doesnt lose all his video game time for pink OR purple with her.

He's sitting at his grandmas right now and I bet he's playing video games.

His teacher also said that it is very hard for her to enforce his behavior on her weeks because he rarely brings his behavior log back to school. She sent it home Tuesday and it hasn't come back since.

Can we give him consequences for behaviors that she is ALLOWING, in hopes that he straightens his act up?
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  #2  
February 22nd, 2013, 05:10 PM
Super Mommy
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I don't have any advise on this because with S her dad and I try to work together on discipline. Some things he is more laxed on then I. She does know that we do not take school very lightly so so far we have had my trouble with school.

Just wanted to wish you the best with getting him under control at both houses and school.
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  #3  
February 22nd, 2013, 06:46 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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hmm....

You could sit down and tell him if the behavior continues, you will be forced to do his video game time based off his over all behavior, not just his daily. That he is perfectly capable of going home, doing his work right away.

Did she go with to the conference? if not, have the teacher do one with her, and express the concerns directly to her.

And if it continues.. well... that's something you'll have to weigh when deciding if week on week off is really the best thing for O or not. Right now, it sounds like if she's going to be his friend, and not his mom.. then his grades are going to suffer. And that's just not cool.

DH plans on demanding week on week off this fall if he's home. But we aren't setting out to win the cool house award like your BM seems to be.
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  #4  
February 22nd, 2013, 07:07 PM
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I agree with Ashley. Sounds like it's time to move to overall behavior. And the teacher definitely needs to talk to his mom about it because she's the one with the behavior issues on her time.
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  #5  
February 22nd, 2013, 08:07 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Unfortunately she had her conference last week,

Ashley I like your idea. I just hate punishing him for behavior that SHE is allowing.

Like we got to the school and saw him and he ran past us and down the hallway. We had to call him back over and I was going to get his folder and he went limp and was all "I dont have my log!!!!!!" in an annoying, childish, whiny voice. It's almost disgusting the way she allows him to behave. And then in effects OUR time with him, because we have to get him back into shape.

My feeling is that if he can control when he behaves, then he needs to be held accountable for his behavior all the time. He misbehaves with her because he KNOWS he can. He needs to know he cant. Even if she isnt the one punishing him for it.

I just dont wanna be the bad guy ya know
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  #6  
February 22nd, 2013, 09:45 PM
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Well there should be consequences at school for his behavior right? So technically he's getting punished for his behavior with his mom he just doesn't care. You could punish him at home and it might work but it might not because he seems to realize at his mom's house it doesn't matter and that he's bound to end up there within the week.
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  #7  
February 22nd, 2013, 10:16 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
Well there should be consequences at school for his behavior right? So technically he's getting punished for his behavior with his mom he just doesn't care. You could punish him at home and it might work but it might not because he seems to realize at his mom's house it doesn't matter and that he's bound to end up there within the week.
Yeah that's the hard part. He loses recess and stuff at school but his teacher says he only cares that he is getting in trouble at school during our weeks.
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  #8  
February 24th, 2013, 11:09 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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What a hard situation. I mean you don't want to constantly punish him when he is with you, but you don't want him to slack off when he isn't! Maybe you could set up a reward system. Like if for 2 weeks you get no pink or purple slips we will give you extra video game time...or something he likes. Then he is going to be held accountable for what he does when with his mom, but in a positive way? And maybe do the same with assignments....no missing work for 2 weeks and a reward? That way he will strive when he is with her to earn something when he is with you?
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  #9  
February 24th, 2013, 12:17 PM
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^^ that is a great idea.
I've found with my stepkids, rewards work better than punishment, that doesn't work with all kids and my stepkids do still get some punishments but it really improved their behavior last year, they had to not get in serious trouble all day to get a sticker, 7 stickers means they get a treat, like a ice cream, renting a movie, getting a new toy(from the dollar store) or going somewhere fun.
If we had them split time or with us all the time, this would also be used for school.
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  #10  
February 24th, 2013, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
Yeah that's the hard part. He loses recess and stuff at school but his teacher says he only cares that he is getting in trouble at school during our weeks.
If that's the case, taking away things while he's with you for behavior at his mom's could work but it could backfire because again he's going to get game time at his mom's house regardless.
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  #11  
February 24th, 2013, 01:13 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2more View Post
What a hard situation. I mean you don't want to constantly punish him when he is with you, but you don't want him to slack off when he isn't! Maybe you could set up a reward system. Like if for 2 weeks you get no pink or purple slips we will give you extra video game time...or something he likes. Then he is going to be held accountable for what he does when with his mom, but in a positive way? And maybe do the same with assignments....no missing work for 2 weeks and a reward? That way he will strive when he is with her to earn something when he is with you?
Positive might be the way to go. The only week he didn't get a pink day with his mom was when he was on a "2 week no pink challenge" to earn his hamster. And he earned her.
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  #12  
February 25th, 2013, 10:33 AM
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I love the positive reinforcement/reward idea! I think that might help him a lot. We have a similar issue with my DSDs BM. She is much more lax on her discipline than we are (to put it kindly), and it definitely makes the transitions more difficult. We get a lot of "I want my mommy!" when we punish her. I've been talking to DH about trying to do more positive reinforcement and unique consequences with both the children for this reason.
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  #13  
February 25th, 2013, 11:24 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I agree that the positive consequences technique might be your best bet. I'm sorry he's struggling so much with going back and forth. Inconsistency makes things so difficult.
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  #14  
February 27th, 2013, 01:06 PM
Remembering Tadpole
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We are dealing with the same thing except we only get J on Tuesdays after school and every other weekend. We don't live in the same school district. J's mother does not require him to do any reading so he feels that we are punishing him by making him read. He is currently failing all of his 2nd grade core subjects. We are currently seeking full custody since she is trying to remove him from the state.
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  #15  
March 21st, 2013, 12:57 PM
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We have a lot of the same problems with DSD's bio mom. DSD's 6 and in kindergarten, so there isn't as much homework to get done. What we do have a problem with is frequently having to find out from her why she wasn't at school on this day or that day (missed 13 days of school, only sick 3). Or when we get her for our time with her and ask why she got a red mark (it's either a star or a red mark, no in-between) and she tells us she got in a fight on the playground or she got in a food fight in the cafeteria.

Admittedly, it was difficult to punish her for the food fight incident because we both thought it was hilarious. DH did the same thing in kindergarten. Still it's not acceptable school behavior and we addressed it.

What concerns us is that these issues only ever happen when she's with her mom and she's never punished or even reprimanded for it. I mean, she shoved a kid on the playground, got in trouble at school, and BM never even had a conversation with her. Didn't think it was a big deal. And when we spoke to her about creating some consistent discipline patterns, she got indignant and insulted. She refused to remove DSD's television or video game privileges (SHE'S 6!! Why does she have a Nintendo DS?) because "how else am I supposed to keep her occupied?".

Ugh.
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