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About 20 months ago I met a father of one of the daughters in my daughters classroom. It was at a school event and we hit it off and exchanged numbers. Over the course of these 20 months we have had a rocky time - at times. Other times it has been great. 10 months into everything we decided we would tell the kids and see how everything went. It was a mess of sorts. Let me try to lay things out the best and easiest way I can.
I have two kids from my previous marriage. A boy 13, a girl 9. He has two girls from 2 different previous relationships. A girl 9, and a girl 4. He has custody of his 9 year old and she visits her mother every other weekend. His youngest lives with her mother and he has her every other weekend and one night overnight during the week. I have my kids all the time. Their father is very uninvolved as he chose to move about 2500 miles away from us. The kids do visit my ex-inlaws every other Saturday night to Sunday around dinner time. They are gone about 24 hours total. The rest of the time I have them.
When we first told the kids it didn't seem to be too much of a problem. The two girls (9 year olds were friends at school) seemed good with it. His 4 year old could have cared less and my 13 year old was happy. No issues there. The problems arose with the two 9 year olds. Mine is a bit of a drama queen and gets her feelings hurt very easily and cries. His is a bit of a bully and downright mean at times. It just didn't work. On the weekends that we had my two and his youngest we had no issues. On the weekends and during the week that we had the 3 oldest it was becoming a nightmare. His daughter would be mean to mine, mine would cry, he would do nothing and I'd be yelling at them both. Not only that but she was extremely disrespectful to me and a simple would you like milk or water for dinner created an attitude from her that was out of this world. He did nothing about it. My 9 year old was crying when we would see them, didn't want to be around them and tried to avoid his little girl at school because she was bullying her there.
Back in February I told him we needed to slow things down, take a break, re-evaluate the situation and voiced my concerns with his daughter, her disrespectful nature, her attitude and how she treated others. She had gotten in trouble at school and on the bus for being mean to other kids. He said he didn't think she meant the things she did. In any case, we pretty much ended things. We took a break for about 6 weeks and we have slowly started talking again. We have done things together again. Just him, I and his 4 year old on the weekends he doesn't have his daughter and my kids are at my inlaws. Things are going good in that respect. But again, there were never any issues there.
I don't know what to do at this point. I truly care for him and could see our lives together. But the thought of eventually living with his oldest daughter truly scares me. My kids and I were in the grocery store today and they saw a little girl that they went to school with (she is autistic), well they waved, said hello and were generally excited. We got in the car after leaving the store and DD went into how his DD was mean to her on the playground; called her a dog, wouldn't let her play with them, and made her cry. It broke my heart and really confused me at what I should do at this point.
He insists his DD has changed, I haven't been around her enough to see. DD did say near the end of school she was being nicer to her at school - after the guidance counselor intervened. WWYD?