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She's unreasonable


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  #1  
October 16th, 2013, 05:50 PM
caliroo34's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 580
First-I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped me out a few months ago. Things between my stepson and I have improved a lot. He actually speaks to me now! Some days are better than others but overall lots of improvement. Now on to my new problem.




My SO and his ex-wife are supposed to have 50/50 custody their son. But they don't have a formal arrangement. Everything has always been more or less friendly and any issues that have cropped up they've been able to resolve. Despite the 50/50, for whatever reason the arrangement has been that in a two week week period he's with us 4 nights and with her 10. It's been every Thursday and every other weekend starting Saturday mornings. So on those weekends we drop him off at daycare Friday morning, he goes with her Friday evening, and back with us Saturday morning. Well the pick ups have been getting hard as the kid is starting to have tantrums whenever my SO picks him up. He perceives it as leaving the "fun" at mom's house. Once he gets here he's fine. But this makes my SO feel bad and the whole thing a trying experience for everyone.

So his mom suggested my SO just pick him up from childcare on the Friday on our weekend to alleviate the problem. Cool. But we want to keep Thursday too. We feel the extra night will be beneficial for him and my SO. But no. She's not OK with that. 4 nights in a row is too much change she says. Even though she'll still have him 9 days in a two week period and we'll only have 5. And too much change? We have him 4 nights on holiday weekends sometimes. She's never complained about that because it suits her. And she JUST took him away for 2 weeks on holidays. It's not too big of a change for him to not see his dad for 2 weeks but 4 nights from mom is? Come on. Everything always has to be on her terms.

Part of the reason (aside from extra time) that we want to keep Thursdays is for consistency in our lives. My SO gets off work early on Thursdays to pick his son up. If we drop every other Thursday then that means he'll be trying to get off early that Friday. So one week would be one day and the next week the next. What's the point in that? It messes us up and his job.

So my SO was texting her about it but she says they need to meet to talk. Not even talk on the phone, in person. Which she's only doing because she feels like she can bully him in person but not in text. I'm really really encouraging him to stand up for himself. She literally always gets her way. I hate that they've long been divorced but yet she still feels she can control him. It's nauseating.

My SO has really been feeling bad about the time spent with his son lately. I think especially with a new baby coming, he's realizing how much time will be spent with her vs. how much he gets with his son. I know he feels guilty that he'll be a full-time parent to our daughter. I think that one extra night will go far in helping to make him feel better.

I'm just frustrated that the custody is unfair. We're just trying to tilt it a little more in the fair direction and she's not having it. I should also mention that she's always for change when it benefits her. When I first moved here she changed the schedule to one that was more to her liking. We agreed because it suited us too. That was the change that essentially gave her an extra day. My SO used to have him on Wednesday nights too and every weekend was split between the two of them. So it got changed to what it is now. So really, we just want the night back that was taken away 8 months ago.
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  #2  
October 17th, 2013, 09:47 AM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 14,754
First, I'm os happy to hear that things are better with you and your step son. That's great news!

Quote:
Originally Posted by caliroo34 View Post
My SO and his ex-wife are supposed to have 50/50 custody their son. But they don't have a formal arrangement. Everything has always been more or less friendly and any issues that have cropped up they've been able to resolve. Despite the 50/50, for whatever reason the arrangement has been that in a two week week period he's with us 4 nights and with her 10. It's been every Thursday and every other weekend starting Saturday mornings. So on those weekends we drop him off at daycare Friday morning, he goes with her Friday evening, and back with us Saturday morning. Well the pick ups have been getting hard as the kid is starting to have tantrums whenever my SO picks him up. He perceives it as leaving the "fun" at mom's house. Once he gets here he's fine. But this makes my SO feel bad and the whole thing a trying experience for everyone.
To the first point, it really doesn't sound like they've been able to resolve things amicably. It sounds like she bullies him, and he gives in.

To the second, what do you guys do with DSS when he is with you? Could you start planning things that you know DSS loves so that your house can be perceived as just as fun and exciting as his mom's?

All this said, I think it might not be a bad idea to take it to court and get something in writing. The longer you let things go, the more likely the court will go with the status quo and the less likely they will be to give DH his 50% of the time. Right now, they may be willing to adjust it back if the agreement is 50/50. If not, he certainly won't lose anything. In this case, I see that you guys have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Quote:
So his mom suggested my SO just pick him up from childcare on the Friday on our weekend to alleviate the problem. Cool. But we want to keep Thursday too. We feel the extra night will be beneficial for him and my SO. But no. She's not OK with that. 4 nights in a row is too much change she says. Even though she'll still have him 9 days in a two week period and we'll only have 5. And too much change? We have him 4 nights on holiday weekends sometimes. She's never complained about that because it suits her. And she JUST took him away for 2 weeks on holidays. It's not too big of a change for him to not see his dad for 2 weeks but 4 nights from mom is? Come on. Everything always has to be on her terms.

So my SO was texting her about it but she says they need to meet to talk. Not even talk on the phone, in person. Which she's only doing because she feels like she can bully him in person but not in text. I'm really really encouraging him to stand up for himself. She literally always gets her way. I hate that they've long been divorced but yet she still feels she can control him. It's nauseating.

I can understand this. I hate when I feel like DH is being controlled by BM or letting her take advantage of me. It bothered me a lot at first, and I got really jealous about it. However, the longer we are married and the more my trust grows, the more I realize it's not about her. It's about what's best for DSD and what will look best in the big picture. Talk to your DH. I told mine about my feelings, and he's always been wonderful about reassuing me
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  #3  
October 17th, 2013, 10:17 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,999
Glad to hear things are better with your stepson.

I wonder if he's also throwing tantrums when his mom picks him up too. Kids often have trouble transitioning from 1 environment to another. It used to drive me nutst that by dd cried and clung to me in the mornings when I dropped her off at daycare and then cried because she didn't want to leave when I picked her up.
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  #4  
October 17th, 2013, 01:24 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 26,320
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Glad to hear things are better with your stepson.

I wonder if he's also throwing tantrums when his mom picks him up too. Kids often have trouble transitioning from 1 environment to another. It used to drive me nutst that by dd cried and clung to me in the mornings when I dropped her off at daycare and then cried because she didn't want to leave when I picked her up.


^^ This x 100!!!!!!!

We dealt with this the first year. He didn't want to come to our house. He didn't want to go back to his mom. He wanted dad while with mom.. he wanted mom while with dad. Seriously, totally something kids do. My parents weren't even divorced and all 3 of us did it to some extent.. but we wanted Nanny.
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