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  #21  
January 10th, 2014, 08:04 AM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
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Oh my goodness!! I've been gone for a few weeks (Christmas, wedding celebration, honeymoon), but I've been wondering how everything was going with you guys. It sounds like from a legal standpoint it couldn't be better and she is making this easy peasy for you all.

That said, for poor Owen, it's a mess I do hope that you get exactly what you want and that it forces her to focus on her recovery and fixing her relationship with Owen. I really like the idea of them having counseling together.

Also, the bebe gun thing makes me so frustrated. My DSD's BM does the same thing, they focus on these little, miniscule issues thinking that it gives them a one up, something on us. The day before the wedding, DSD went swimming with DH's cousing and her daughter (who is close in age to DSD). We let her go because it would be fun for her and we trust DH's cousin completely. DSD told the cousin she could swim (she can't really) and jumped in the deep end. Within SECONDS, DH's cousin realized DSD couldn't swim well, jumped in the water and pulled her out. Her eyes were never off DSD. Sure, scary, but everyone is fine. A responsible adult was there. Same with the bebe gun. Yes, a different choice could have been made. That said, you aren't going to allow him constant, regular access to it at any time. If he's mad and frustrated, you won't just hand it over to him. I'm sure you have rules and keep a close eye on him when he's using it. While she may have made a different choice, yours is still a responisble, fine decision. Grasping at stupid, little, nonsensical issues like that just makes her look desperate.
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  #22  
January 10th, 2014, 11:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
I've had two bottles of wine in one night :/
Yeah but not when you were the sole person responsible for the care of a child
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  #23  
January 10th, 2014, 12:22 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtomicMama View Post
Oh my goodness!! I've been gone for a few weeks (Christmas, wedding celebration, honeymoon), but I've been wondering how everything was going with you guys. It sounds like from a legal standpoint it couldn't be better and she is making this easy peasy for you all.

That said, for poor Owen, it's a mess I do hope that you get exactly what you want and that it forces her to focus on her recovery and fixing her relationship with Owen. I really like the idea of them having counseling together.

Also, the bebe gun thing makes me so frustrated. My DSD's BM does the same thing, they focus on these little, miniscule issues thinking that it gives them a one up, something on us. The day before the wedding, DSD went swimming with DH's cousing and her daughter (who is close in age to DSD). We let her go because it would be fun for her and we trust DH's cousin completely. DSD told the cousin she could swim (she can't really) and jumped in the deep end. Within SECONDS, DH's cousin realized DSD couldn't swim well, jumped in the water and pulled her out. Her eyes were never off DSD. Sure, scary, but everyone is fine. A responsible adult was there. Same with the bebe gun. Yes, a different choice could have been made. That said, you aren't going to allow him constant, regular access to it at any time. If he's mad and frustrated, you won't just hand it over to him. I'm sure you have rules and keep a close eye on him when he's using it. While she may have made a different choice, yours is still a responisble, fine decision. Grasping at stupid, little, nonsensical issues like that just makes her look desperate.
Thanks. And congratulations! I hope you had a wonderful time!

Owen is doing quite well, considering. He has begun calling me mom again, and telling me he's so glad he has me and he wouldn't ever want any other mom.

The bebe gun thing is a tough one. I know we had kind of a debate on here in September about us getting him one for his birthday so soon after the knife incident with his mom. Well, we decided against it back then, and he completed counseling, moved in with us full time, and became this happy, carefree kid. We gave it a lot of thought when my brother wanted to get that for him, (My brother is a gun guy. He has many, and has taken Owen shooting in the desert before. Very responsible.) We thought that given the circumstances, a spring powered, $20.00 bebe gun would be okay.

But now we've had to take it away. Turns out that Phoenix AZ overall, it's legal to target shoot a bebe gun in your backyard, our specific town, (Which ends up being less than a half mile outside of Phoenix itself,) it is not legal except for self defense. So since she has threatened to call the police on us, we have taken it away. If he asks, we are going to let him know we will gladly take him to the desert to shoot, but he will know his mom is the reason he can not shoot it here.

PS- Last Christmas, when he was 8, she wanted to get him a bebe gun from her dad, and Eric was against it. She lives in the same town as us, so it's not like the legalities were an issue back then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Yeah but not when you were the sole person responsible for the care of a child
Exactly.


Our lawyer is sending her an email today asking her what she wants out of all of this, basically what is she fighting for. Let's see how delusional her brain is today!
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  #24  
January 10th, 2014, 01:43 PM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
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It's that whole, she wanted to get him one, but now that you did, it's a huge issue that bothers me. I don't see it being an issue agaist you guys at all.
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  #25  
January 10th, 2014, 01:44 PM
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I get what you're saying but his mom isn't the reason he can't shoot the bb gun in your backyard - the reason he can't is it's illegal. I wouldn't go there with the mom thing. Just say we found out it is illegal so we'll have to go some place else to shoot.

BTW I think it's illegal in most towns/cities. I know it was in Michigan where I grew up & is here in Chicago as well. It could come back to bite you if you say it's ok with you & Eric for him to break the law but it's not ok with his mom.
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Last edited by My2miracles; January 10th, 2014 at 01:48 PM.
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  #26  
January 10th, 2014, 01:47 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtomicMama View Post
It's that whole, she wanted to get him one, but now that you did, it's a huge issue that bothers me. I don't see it being an issue agaist you guys at all.
Yeah I know. She was going to be perfectly content with her dad having one for him in the same town as us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I get what you're saying but his mom isn't the reason he can't shoot the bb gun in your backyard - the reason he can't is it's illegal. I wouldn't go there with the mom thing. Just say we found out it is illegal so we'll have to go some place else to shoot.

BTW I think it's illegal in most places. I know it was in Michigan where I grew up & is here in Chicago as well.
He isn't losing it completely. But after school some days, he's asked to shoot it in the backyard, with us supervising of course. We have this target that catches the bebes and stuff too.

Being that she was going to allow him to get one and shoot it at her dads house, the legality of the thing only became an issue when WE were the ones who got him one. That's what irks me.

TBH, I did not know it was not legal to shoot a spring bebe gun in our city. I wasn't 100% on board with the bebe gun to begin with. But he has shown responsibility with it, and I am fine with allowing him to continue using it. It just means we have to go out into the desert more, where it is legal.

And I know, we don't need to badmouth her because it's not her rule, it's our citys rule. I'm just mad that because SHE doesn't agree with it now, she's quoting the rule she was going to willingly break just a year ago.

But oh well. She's grasping at whatever she can right now to try to stay relevant.
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  #27  
January 10th, 2014, 06:48 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Yeah but not when you were the sole person responsible for the care of a child
I missed the part where she had Owen at the time. It came off that 2 bottles was the big deal.. not 2 bottles with Owen there.
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  #28  
January 10th, 2014, 09:35 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
I missed the part where she had Owen at the time. It came off that 2 bottles was the big deal.. not 2 bottles with Owen there.
I probably failed to mention it. The whole reason she decided to go back to rehab was because she drank while she had him, previously she said she drank on weeks she didn't have him. She lied to us and said it was "One drink" and when the counselor asked her how much it was, she admitted it was 2 bottles.

I also think there is a big difference between an alcoholic drinking two bottles, while sitting alone in an apartment with her 9 year old, and say, if I was out at a party with friends and I drank that much. There's a difference between party drinking and depression drinking.
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  #29  
January 11th, 2014, 08:50 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
I also think there is a big difference between an alcoholic drinking two bottles, while sitting alone in an apartment with her 9 year old, and say, if I was out at a party with friends and I drank that much. There's a difference between party drinking and depression drinking.
Agreed. I don't know that I've ever drank two bottles of wine in one night specifically... but I've been to events where there were open bars. I've gone on all inclusive vacations. I used to go to a karaoke bar that sold dollar beers. I get it.

I drank A LOT at our wedding reception - but not until my dsc went up to bed with my il's. Before that I drank a little wine with dinner and water. If they hadn't come with us to help with the kiddos, though... of course not.
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  #30  
January 11th, 2014, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
Agreed. I don't know that I've ever drank two bottles of wine in one night specifically... but I've been to events where there were open bars. I've gone on all inclusive vacations. I used to go to a karaoke bar that sold dollar beers. I get it.

I drank A LOT at our wedding reception - but not until my dsc went up to bed with my il's. Before that I drank a little wine with dinner and water. If they hadn't come with us to help with the kiddos, though... of course not.
Even still, at your wedding, other people were helping take care of them.

I've never gotten drunk around Owen, but he does know that I can have a drink or two and not end up on the sidewalk face down.
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  #31  
January 11th, 2014, 10:46 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
I've never gotten drunk around Owen, but he does know that I can have a drink or two and not end up on the sidewalk face down.
This is kind of an off-shoot discussion, but I think it's very helpful for kids to see adults drinking responsibly/not drinking just to get schnockered, especially kids like Owen who've seen the face of addiction (which is obviously not reflective of how healthy people who drink consume alcohol).

My il's are pretty conservative and don't drink (although they're a little more relaxed about it now than they've been in the past - they still don't do it themselves and we still don't do it in front of them, but they aren't deeply, morally offended by responsible drinking like they were in the past) - and they more or less ingrained it into my dh's head as a kid that if you have a drink, you'll be a drunken idiot and God will smite you on the spot. Part of it was an attempt to scare him into not drinking, but I think part of it was a genuine misunderstanding of how many drinks it actually takes for someone to be drunk/acting like an idiot.

So my dh got older and went off to college with this weird understanding of alcohol and drinking, inevitably had a drink - and promptly went nuts with it because he found that he did NOT, in fact, get struck down by lightning or immediately get hammered. He drank a. lot. and missed a lot of class and generally spent his first semester drunk.

Not saying any family who doesn't drink will raise kids who make the same choices and mistakes - just agreeing with you that teaching your kids that you can drink responsibly is beneficial.
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  #32  
January 11th, 2014, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
This is kind of an off-shoot discussion, but I think it's very helpful for kids to see adults drinking responsibly/not drinking just to get schnockered, especially kids like Owen who've seen the face of addiction (which is obviously not reflective of how healthy people who drink consume alcohol).

My il's are pretty conservative and don't drink (although they're a little more relaxed about it now than they've been in the past - they still don't do it themselves and we still don't do it in front of them, but they aren't deeply, morally offended by responsible drinking like they were in the past) - and they more or less ingrained it into my dh's head as a kid that if you have a drink, you'll be a drunken idiot and God will smite you on the spot. Part of it was an attempt to scare him into not drinking, but I think part of it was a genuine misunderstanding of how many drinks it actually takes for someone to be drunk/acting like an idiot.

So my dh got older and went off to college with this weird understanding of alcohol and drinking, inevitably had a drink - and promptly went nuts with it because he found that he did NOT, in fact, get struck down by lightning or immediately get hammered. He drank a. lot. and missed a lot of class and generally spent his first semester drunk.

Not saying any family who doesn't drink will raise kids who make the same choices and mistakes - just agreeing with you that teaching your kids that you can drink responsibly is beneficial.
I can totally relate, I used to swear on my life I would NEVER EVER EVER drink any alcohol and that it was soooo evil because my mother was an alcoholic.. eventually my friends broke me down and I went crazy drinking and then one morning I woke up and reached for a bottle of tequila I had hidden under under my bed(I was 18) and realized I had been drinking for a week straight and was now drinking first thing in the morning , Just like my mom.. there had been no one to show me responsible drinking, I'd only seen alcohol be abuse .
I still have that little fear in the back of my head, which is probably why I don't do hard liquor like my mom (vodka) and I stick to wine and not in excess, but it took me awhile how to figure how to balance that on my own.
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  #33  
January 11th, 2014, 10:26 PM
Stepmom2Be's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
This is kind of an off-shoot discussion, but I think it's very helpful for kids to see adults drinking responsibly/not drinking just to get schnockered, especially kids like Owen who've seen the face of addiction (which is obviously not reflective of how healthy people who drink consume alcohol).

My il's are pretty conservative and don't drink (although they're a little more relaxed about it now than they've been in the past - they still don't do it themselves and we still don't do it in front of them, but they aren't deeply, morally offended by responsible drinking like they were in the past) - and they more or less ingrained it into my dh's head as a kid that if you have a drink, you'll be a drunken idiot and God will smite you on the spot. Part of it was an attempt to scare him into not drinking, but I think part of it was a genuine misunderstanding of how many drinks it actually takes for someone to be drunk/acting like an idiot.

So my dh got older and went off to college with this weird understanding of alcohol and drinking, inevitably had a drink - and promptly went nuts with it because he found that he did NOT, in fact, get struck down by lightning or immediately get hammered. He drank a. lot. and missed a lot of class and generally spent his first semester drunk.

Not saying any family who doesn't drink will raise kids who make the same choices and mistakes - just agreeing with you that teaching your kids that you can drink responsibly is beneficial.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stresswife View Post
I can totally relate, I used to swear on my life I would NEVER EVER EVER drink any alcohol and that it was soooo evil because my mother was an alcoholic.. eventually my friends broke me down and I went crazy drinking and then one morning I woke up and reached for a bottle of tequila I had hidden under under my bed(I was 18) and realized I had been drinking for a week straight and was now drinking first thing in the morning , Just like my mom.. there had been no one to show me responsible drinking, I'd only seen alcohol be abuse .
I still have that little fear in the back of my head, which is probably why I don't do hard liquor like my mom (vodka) and I stick to wine and not in excess, but it took me awhile how to figure how to balance that on my own.
When we called BM out back in July for drinking in front of him, she claimed it was just one glass. And we told her that he has seen what happens to her when she drinks and it brings up bad memories for him. She said she was trying to show him responsible drinking.

He has enough people to do that. His brain now has a permanent cause and effect when it comes to his mom and drinking. It's never ended well. However, he's seen his dad have a beer or two, and still felt safe, because he knows it won't lead to him being neglected.

His mom already ruined ever being able to drink in front of him. He will never see it as responsibly with her, he will always see it for what it really is, a relapse.
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