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Sorry I haven't been on much. Life has been hectic... I'm sure we've all been there
Things between my ex and I have been tense to say the least. He's been picking fights with me... Or at least it feels that way.
It doesn't matter what I say to him or talk to him about, he always gets on the defensive. One, because it's his nature. And two, because it's me and I can literally say nothing and he'll get mad.
The first incident is my daughter's schooling. She's in Daycare right now, in a private school. It's a Christian school, and while I'm nooooooooot religious, this school is amazing. The class sizes are tiny, they take the kids to swimming lessons and gymnastics and the teachers are so patient and caring. NOT like the public school system.
My daughter is slightly delayed in speech. She's amazingly smart, and picks up on things super quick, her speech is just not where it should be for a four year old. In the public school system, they're going to view this as a fault, and put her in a different class because in class sizes that are 23+, they just don't have time for her. Where as in this school they will. They'll nurture her, and help her grow and teach her love.
Anyways, she starts Kindergarten in September (which I'm totally not ready for, but that's another topic all together )... The tuition for her to go (since it's a private Christian school) is $333 a month. Which split between the two of us is roughly $166... Totally reasonable. What does he tell me? "I'd rather throw her in the public school system." Well... That's not acceptable to me... This is my daughter's EDUCATION... Which is kind of extremely important in life. I have friends with kids in the public school system (including my step son) and I don't want my daughter going through that. The stories!! I've already decided I'm going to make it work, whether or not he decides to help, but it's super frustrating. When I asked him why he didn't want her going... His response was "Well, every kid I met growing up that went to a private school was snotty and stuck up". Are you kidding me!? That has to do with parenting... Not the school...
Part of the reason he's all uppity about money, is because he quit his job in Alberta... He was working in the oil fields, getting paid GOOD money, and he up and quit. He tells everyone it was because of our daughter, but we all know he quit for his girlfriend. The one he'd been dating for two weeks and had said he loved her. Then a week later she dumped him and gave him a huge list of reasons.
The next thing he was all cranky about, was our daughter's birthday party. It's coming up on February 8th, and I'm busy, busy, busy planning it. She of course wants a Frozen birthday party (since it's her favorite movie, she literally sings the words to every song). I'm doing most things myself, since there's not a lot in stores right now, and I asked him to pay for half. Which will be $50. He won't do it. He literally said "Ummm no. The party thing is really all you. You want to go all out with lots of decorations and stuff that's on you. Snacks I'll go in on or the cake." This was telling me he was going to pay for nothing but show up with his own present and partake. Well... No. That's not what being a parent is about. It's our responsibility to provide her this birthday party. I mean, I'm printing out most things and using Christmas decorations since they work. He hasn't said much to me since, and I told him he can either pay for half, or just not show. I've done nothing but bend over backwards to accommodate him, and be the bigger person. But this isn't fair to me, and is causing me such stress.
There was this girl he was "interested" in, and was two timing. He ended up leading her own and turning around and dating the girl he quit the job for. Well, she's now dating my best friend, and she said he literally makes it sound like everything I'm doing is for vengeance. To get back at him. He actually makes me out to be the crazy ex-wife "b*tch". When literally all I've done is let him walk all over me.
He makes it out that he was the victim in our relationship and the whole thing ended because of me. He doesn't tell people that he hit me multiple times, or that the cops had been called on him, or that I cried myself to sleep multiple nights. That he belittled me and put me down. Yet somehow he was the victim?
Ugh I dunno. I'm sorry to lay this all out. But I have no one else to talk to about this and no one who has split from their significant other and gets it. Especially when there is a kid involved.
And lets not get going on the fleas I have found in my daughters hair from his house... That's a whole other story.
The other party rarely confesses their part in a divorce, even when it's obvious fault like the things you listed. My exH thought I was doing things to hurt him, which was simply untrue. I would tell people "That's *his perception* on the situation, not the reality." If they wanted to know my side or the truth then they could ask. Yes, he called me a crazy ***** and tried to make it out that way to those he thought he could sway. I had to tell people who knew us both I didn't want to know what he said or posted on FB.
The best piece of advice I can give, that was given to me by another divorced friend: Follow the divorce decree and parenting plan. Do nothing more, do nothing less. I did not tell my exH when I was having the kids birthday party as they were with me, not him. He wasn't invited. Hell would freeze over first. If he wanted to do something for their birthdays then it was up to him to pay for it.
Mom to 4 girls - one age 9 (January 2005), 7 year old twins (January 2007) and new baby girl born July 2, 2014
Do you have anything in any kind of SA that would require him to help pay for her schooling? IMO that's a battle worth fighting. The birthday party stuff... eh. We wouldn't pay bm extra $ for birthday party extras, nor would we ask her to contribute to any of our birthday party plans. We've always done separate parties, though, and she receives a pretty hefty support and alimony check as it is. I'm sorry it's so stressful, in any case.
The picture he paints of you is a lot like what my dh's ex paints about him. Abusive, controlling, we're out to get her, and on and on and on... I mean, even our wedding was somehow about her in her mind. We used to swap vehicles for visitation before we had a van, and when she broke our car radio and put hundreds of miles on it every single weekend and we asked her not to put that much use on it, she threw a fit about us wanting to control her social life. We traded in our car for a minivan the same month. I mean, obviously wasn't there for their marriage, but I trust my dh's word more than I do hers, and I've watched her lie and twist and intentionally misconstrue situations that I have been present for so it's not much of a leap to believe she's full of crap about everything prior to my meeting dh too. It is pretty frustrating, but it's one of those things that you really can't do anything about. I would try to distance yourself from hearing about what he says as much as possible; it will only drive you crazy.
*Cautiously and excitedly expecting number two - shhh, if we're friends on Facebook. *
Ugh that's frustrating. I agree the education is worth fighting for but not the party.
BTW not all public schools are bad. Both my kids go to public school & it's been a great experience. My dd has a vision problem so has trouble with reading and the public school has been amazing in giving her the support she needs.
Thank you ladies. It's so nice to hear from mom's who have been in the same situation or similar. Some of my friends who are still married or have never split from their baby's daddy, just don't get it.
The birthday party I'm not fighting over, I just don't want him showing up thinking he can partake... It'll make the whole situation awkward, and a birthday party is NOT the place for a fight. He hasn't mentioned much about it since we talked, I mean... I don't mind trying to do the party together. He doesn't have any friends so if he did something for her it would be just him and her. I keep trying to make things easy for the both of us, but he's making it super hard.
I didn't mean that all public schools were bad, and I'm sorry if it came across that way I just meant that the public schools I've heard about in my area seem to be over filled with kids and it's stressful on the kids and on the teachers. I went to some amazing public schools... But that was a different area as well. I guess it just depends on the area.
If he doesn't help pay for her schooling though, I'm going to contact a lawyer... I don't think it's fair that he not pay to help her with school and then gets to see her as much as he does. You're a parent, it's either everything is 50/50 or not. And he certainly shouldn't be allowed to pick and choose what IS 50/50.
I don't talk to him a whole lot as it is. I mean, we have each other on Facebook, but he's stopped posting **** about us on FB. Thank goodness! I try to limit what I talk to him about to just our daughter. He's an extremely negative person and that really wears on me.
private schooling is only 300 something?! you might show him some US private schooling bills! a PRESCHOOL for only 2 days a week is almost a $100 a WEEK where I live.. lol he has really nothing to complain about, I'd kill to have private schools be that cheap!
I didn't think the price was that bad at all! This is Kindergarten... She'll be there Monday-Friday and they do take the kids to swimming lessons and gymnastics and what not. So to me it's totally worth the money... Not to mention it's her education and I don't think there should even be a fight when it comes to that... But that's just me