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  #1  
February 23rd, 2014, 05:50 PM
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So since for at least the next two years, we are gong to have to deal with her drama and last minute schedule changes, DH and I are really trying to show her early on that she needs to be accountable for her own actions. We are SO tired of babysitting her.

Last Saturday, they irrigated the soccer fields, so O's game was cancelled. We sent BM an email the next day, (2/16,) and said, "They're going to just push the schedule forward a week, so instead of him playing 9:30 this weekend, he'll just play at 9:30 next weekend. If anything changes, they'll let us know at practice." At practice on Wednesday, the coach announced that the game was at 9:30. I texted BM Friday night, "They updated the website now, the game is definitely at 9:30." What time does she show up?

10:0-freakin-6.

Halftime.

Her and her mom show up, sit down and start cheering him on. She came over to say hi to him during a water break and he said, "Guess what time you got here mom? HALFtime." She started arguing saying the website said 10am, and how could this be etc etc. And then she went away.

After the game, she approached the team parent, and basically verbally attacked her. Said that the website was wrong, and she should be on the email list because she is HIS MOTHER. The parent, who I am close friends with, calmly told her that since DH and I registered him, only our email address appeared on the roster, which is what she went off. I stepped in, and said, "BM. STOP. You read the wrong schedule. You read the 6 year old schedule, Owen has not been 6 in 3 years. The correct schedule said 9:30. The email I sent you last Sunday.. said 9:30. The TEXT I sent you last night, SAID 9:30." She said, "The schedule I looked at said "Zombies." Isn't he the Zombies?" And I said, "They allow more than one team in the world to choose the name Zombies." She got huffy and walked away.

Then at 5pm, she texts DH, "My parents are having a bon voyage party tomorrow at 4pm. Can Owen pleeeeeease come? Just for a little bit???? The whole family will be there."

He told her we had plans.

We emailed her last night saying her behavior would not be tolerated, and that any future attempts to harrass the team mom would be reported to the coach, and her attendance at future games would be completely at his discretion.

We ended up being done and home closer to 3 than 4, so I texted her. "Hey we got done early, and I asked Owen and he'd like to see his grandparents so I will drop him off around 4 for about an hour."

This, I kid you not, is her text back to me.

"thats awesome, honey- I already made an appointment with my sponsor though, thinking that because Owen wasn't coming I would meet with her instead. Can you please have him call me?"

So he calls her, and she tells him that she needs to meet with her sponsor, who is the lady that helps her not drink when she wants to. And that her sponsor lives 45 minutes away, so even if she got there at 4, she could only stay till 4:15. But oh man does she want to see him and shes so sorry about the soccer schedule mix up. Honey, what do you think I should do?

Thats right. She asked him if she should skip out on her sponsor. Putting him in the middle of something he should NOT be in the middle of.

He says he'd like her to come if she could, and she says, "Okay I will see you between 4 and 4:30." (Somehow, in the last minute, she can no longer get there at 4.)

So they hang up and I told Owen I don't want to start an argument between them but he saw that I emailed and texted her specifically that the game was at 9:30, so I don't know why she was still late.

He said, "I know Jennifer. I know you're not doing anything wrong. You just want me to know the truth. My mom deserves it. She deserves all of it. You know what? I'm gonna call you mom again. I really want to. Is that okay?"

So I dropped him off at 4 with his grandparents, she still wasn't there.

She did text him this morning I just saw, "Would you rather spend our parent/son time at Uncle A or Uncle J's next Sunday?"

Her parents are going to Israel for two weeks, leaving Wednesday, and she STILL has not told us that they won't be able to supervise. The court order requires 7 days notice. If she does not tell us that she'd like to set up alternate arrangements by tonight, then we are not allowing him to go on Sunday. She already hasn't told us they won't be available on Thursday when she's supposed to have him from 4-7pm.

She needs to learn to be accountable for her own actions otherwise we're going to have drama every week.

I am so ready for her to realize the world does not revolve around her.
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  #2  
February 23rd, 2014, 07:23 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I need a head exploding smiley..... because seriously *kabam*
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  #3  
February 23rd, 2014, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
I need a head exploding smiley..... because seriously *kabam*
I really hope this works...

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/s...sic/atomic.gif
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  #4  
February 24th, 2014, 11:47 AM
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She is something. I agree. I think you should stop parenting her though. As embarassing as it is for O & you guys, her actions & relationship with the team parent & coach aren't up for you to mediate. If either of them have been doing this for any amount of time, I'm sure she is not the 1st crazy parent they've had to deal with. You don't need to report it or expain it or anything. They are grownups and should handle it as they would with any parent acting up.

She knows the soccer schedule is on the website. If she's there for the practices/games, she hears the announcements just like you do. You are not responsible for reminding her. She can sink or swim on her own.

Sounds like she is setting up alternative arrangements for at least part of the time O's parents are gone. She's at least trying there so I'd cut her some slack on that one the 1st time anyway. Obviously if she doesn't make arrangements then there is no visitation.
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  #5  
February 24th, 2014, 12:43 PM
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Holding her accountable is a GOOD thing I agree with Kris in that, while I understand why you get it, you don't want her actions to reflect poorly on you, DH, and/or O, or tarnish any reputation you have, I'd let her sink on her own. Not stepping in, while hard, forces her to deal with the consequences of her own actions.

That said, I'm not totally sure how I would handle visitation. With DSD's BM, we are finally reaching a point where we are just going to have to go by the letter of the custody agreement. Yes, the 7 days thing may seem silly, but it's in there for a reason. I mean, if it were an impromptu trip on her parent's part, I could see making an exception. But clearly she has known for awhile they would be leaving. At some point, you have to stop giving slack, because she has a habit of taking advantage of that. My counselor just told me the other day that we HAVE to set up boundaries with BM. She says that an adict will continue to take as much as they can from you (time, energy, money, resources) and will never let up on their own. You have to make them. I agree with her point.
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  #6  
February 24th, 2014, 02:02 PM
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Its hard because we dont want to punish owen for her lack of planning. But she still hasnt mentioned anything to us and her parents will be gone for two 3 hour visits and one 9 hour one. And she texted owen asking where he wanted to go instead and one of the options she gave him was an uncle of his that we dont even know!
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  #7  
February 24th, 2014, 02:14 PM
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I didn't mean to imply that the 7 day notification was silly at all. It makes total sense. It's more of a pick your battles thing and to step back from being her parent. The 1 thing that I learned in retrospect with my ex was that my parenting him didn't hold him accountable - it enabled him to be unaccountable. It also sets up you up for being blamed if she fails. It's your fault because you didn't tell her etc. (even when you did). Stepping back & saying you are on your own takes you out of that. It forces her to either be accountable on her own or fail.

Is it a requirement of the visitation agreement that you agree to who does the supervising? If so and Eric isn't comfortable with who she chooses, then he can definitely pull the plug.
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  #8  
February 24th, 2014, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I didn't mean to imply that the 7 day notification was silly at all. It makes total sense. It's more of a pick your battles thing and to step back from being her parent. The 1 thing that I learned in retrospect with my ex was that my parenting him didn't hold him accountable - it enabled him to be unaccountable. It also sets up you up for being blamed if she fails. It's your fault because you didn't tell her etc. (even when you did). Stepping back & saying you are on your own takes you out of that. It forces her to either be accountable on her own or fail.

Is it a requirement of the visitation agreement that you agree to who does the supervising? If so and Eric isn't comfortable with who she chooses, then he can definitely pull the plug.
It says that her parents are to supervise at all times. In the past, when his cousin would have a birthday party or something, we would allow Owen to go and we spoke with his uncle and he was aware that he was the supervisor for that 3 hour period.

I'm just frustrated that she is just assuming she can change the rules. She doesn't even follow the rules that are laid out and now she's making new ones.

We haven't spoken to her brother in over a month. We have no idea if he is going to take it seriously enough to supervise her for NINE hours. Does he want to be stuck at his house babysitting his older sister for 9 hours on a Sunday? If he lets her take him somewhere, she's the only one that would get in trouble, and they don't seem to be on the greatest terms as it is.

We trust Owens uncle with Owen. Thats his family. His blood. I just think we don't feel 100% comfortable with the situation.
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  #9  
February 24th, 2014, 06:40 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I definitely get where you're coming from. It's obnoxious when people think they're above the rules. I absolutely support your holding her accountable.

I do agree with the other ladies, though, that for us that would look like this:

We wouldn't send her emails or address her crappy behavior at O's soccer game in any way. We would let her dig her own grave on that one. If she acts that ridiculous consistently, she's probably going to get thrown out by the coach, and if you just sit back and keep a healthy distance from her not only is it one less issue with her you need to deal with, but she can't blame you or Eric in any capacity. You can't reason with this person, and I don't think your emails will ultimately lead to her making better choices about the way she handles herself at games. It's a waste of your time and mental energy. She will either get it together on her own after the coach tells her to leave, or she won't. In either case, it isn't your problem, KWIM?

As far as her giving notice/her parents being out of town... I *might* be willing to work with her if she provided a decent plan, even if she didn't give the proper notice. She would still need to provide a plan and we'd probably want to speak to whoever she has supervising to ensure that they understand what's expected of them, but I might be willing to let that slide if she did do that. I would probably say, "Because you do have a plan and it's the first time since the new order, we're willing to work with you but in the future we expect that you will adhere to the agreement and provide us with notice."
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  #10  
February 24th, 2014, 07:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I definitely get where you're coming from. It's obnoxious when people think they're above the rules. I absolutely support your holding her accountable.

I do agree with the other ladies, though, that for us that would look like this:

We wouldn't send her emails or address her crappy behavior at O's soccer game in any way. We would let her dig her own grave on that one. If she acts that ridiculous consistently, she's probably going to get thrown out by the coach, and if you just sit back and keep a healthy distance from her not only is it one less issue with her you need to deal with, but she can't blame you or Eric in any capacity. You can't reason with this person, and I don't think your emails will ultimately lead to her making better choices about the way she handles herself at games. It's a waste of your time and mental energy. She will either get it together on her own after the coach tells her to leave, or she won't. In either case, it isn't your problem, KWIM?

As far as her giving notice/her parents being out of town... I *might* be willing to work with her if she provided a decent plan, even if she didn't give the proper notice. She would still need to provide a plan and we'd probably want to speak to whoever she has supervising to ensure that they understand what's expected of them, but I might be willing to let that slide if she did do that. I would probably say, "Because you do have a plan and it's the first time since the new order, we're willing to work with you but in the future we expect that you will adhere to the agreement and provide us with notice."
That makes a lot of sense. Maybe we do need to distance ourselves from it a little bit. I think at some capacity, we feel like we are sticking up for Owen when we address her behavior. And that if we don't address it, she's gonna think it's okay and keep doing it. But she keeps doing it anyway, regardless of us addressing it.

She actually just texted DH.

"My reply email may be late. I was working on it before soccer practice and I think I have some kind of virus or trojan horse because my laptop was acting up. This email will be very long and in depth and it's important to truly understand it. Thanks."

EAGERLY awaiting this email.
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  #11  
February 25th, 2014, 07:45 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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For us, it just isn't worth the emotional and mental energy when it doesn't net any results anyway. I can definitely understand wanting to stick up for Owen. I just think that your energy would be better spent building him up than trying to convince her to not be ridiculous. I know you do that too, but I'm sure it would be nice to not have these inane conversations with her on a regular basis that do nothing besides frustrate you and Eric and give her an audience for her endless excuses and justifications.

When she says, "I have a very long email of explanations coming your way!" I mean... it exhausts ME and I don't even have to read it. You know?
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  #12  
February 25th, 2014, 11:05 AM
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Oh goodness. I agree with Kayla. I think in some ways when you respond to her, even though I understand WHY you do, it gives her the audience she desires. She's like a kid. Any attention is better than no attention. It's the exact same reason she sent that email "Please await my lengthy email and give it your utmost attention and understanding." Even though I'm certaing she will provide exactly 0 good excuses or rationale oto anything.
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  #13  
February 25th, 2014, 11:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stepmom2Be View Post
That makes a lot of sense. Maybe we do need to distance ourselves from it a little bit. I think at some capacity, we feel like we are sticking up for Owen when we address her behavior. And that if we don't address it, she's gonna think it's okay and keep doing it. But she keeps doing it anyway, regardless of us addressing it.

She actually just texted DH.

"My reply email may be late. I was working on it before soccer practice and I think I have some kind of virus or trojan horse because my laptop was acting up. This email will be very long and in depth and it's important to truly understand it. Thanks."

EAGERLY awaiting this email.

But here's the thing - she doesn't care what you think of her behavior. In all honestly she probably doesn't think her behavior needs correcting (she sounds like my ex & he was that way. With people like that their perception of reality is way off).

The 1st thing that support groups for families of addicts or mentally ill people tell you is "YOU CAN'T CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR - YOU CAN'T FIX THEM".

You can set boundaries with how she interacts with you and Owen - like you did with saying you won't be at visitations until she's there because you are not waiting for her to arrive late. But you can't change who she is or how she acts in a public place.

Honestly this is why I struggled with your posts a year ago. I know you have the best of intentions because of Owen but you can't fix her. It's not your job. It's her job. A job she may or may not do. But that's all up to her. Your job is to help Owen navigate the situation and be the best parents to him that you can be.

Please understand that this is coming from a place of experience and not of criticism. I learned this all the hard way with my ex. My "helping" him (with all the best intentions) was the worst thing for him. He did better when I stepped back & let him sink or swim on his own.
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  #14  
February 25th, 2014, 04:35 PM
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Sooooooo

Apparently she cant afford drug testing anymore, but thinks that someone has been poisoning her with crystal meth.

Oh PS her last two tests showed positive for amphetamines.

WHAT NOW?!
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  #15  
February 25th, 2014, 05:47 PM
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Quote:
I was speaking with my sponsor the other night about everything, as
well as another person in recovery earlier in the day. They have
suggested that perhaps this con artist could have been poisoning me
with probably drugs, crystal meth is what they both suggested! It
sure could explain the sudden health concerns I began having, and
would not be unlikely for a professional con artist to do so.
Unfortunately there is not a way to prove he did any of this. The
only thing he admitted to, after lying for hours, is "taking" 100 out
of my wallet to borrow.
Quote:
I cannot afford the GCMS tests at this
point, nor the random weekly tests unless someone lends me the money
for it, but I asked TASC and they hold the urine for several months
(6, I believe), so I will be able to do them, eventually. The Judge will also be notified.
I can forward the case number. I have
been developing more frequent migraines and tremors, and have had a
few panic attacks, as well as sudden severe pains in my back, abdomen
and flu=like symptoms that are coming and going. I have lost weight,
been sleeping poorly and haven't had anyone diagnose anything at this
point. I had a visit to Urgent Care for abdominal pain and nausea,
and I left practice early for medical reasons.
She is a danger to herself and Owen and he will be going NOWHERE with her anytime soon.
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  #16  
February 25th, 2014, 05:55 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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oh my ******* god.

there are no words.. there is no logic.. get Eric on the phone tomorrow with someone.
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  #17  
February 25th, 2014, 06:10 PM
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We have a call into our lawyer. We have a call into the drug testing place.

We will pay the extra for the GC/MS testing to prove she's on meth now.

Owen has no idea any of this is happening. I hate that we're going to have to tell him that, once again, he can't see his mom.

I really can't wait for our vacation next week. Going to San Francisco from March 6th-13th. We need this.
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  #18  
February 25th, 2014, 06:11 PM
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I can't even put into words what I think about her right now.

(((Hugs))) to you all.
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  #19  
February 25th, 2014, 06:56 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I know we've been talking about this already, but seeing her actual words just has me... I mean, more gifs are in order, because I don't have the words.







Yeah. I wouldn't be sending him with her either, supervised or not. That's very scary.
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  #20  
February 25th, 2014, 07:39 PM
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So here's where we're at. Her parents leave tomorrow for Israel. For two weeks. We know we can withhold him for 2 weeks.

Affter that, I don't know what kind of recourse we have. Here is what the court order says:

Quote:
Positive/Diluted/Missed Test. In the event that Mother tests positive on any
test, misses a random test, or provides a diluted test sample on any test, the cycle and frequency of
testing set forth in paragraph F above, shall be started again with weekly tests. All parties are
advised that the failure, neglect or refusal to participate in testing, or providing a diluted test sample
at the time of testing, may be considered an admission by the party that the testing, if properly
conducted, would have revealed the use of the substance(s) tested for, which finding is contrary to
the best interest of a child. Certain prescription medications may cause a positive drug test result.
Parties who are required to drug test are expected to provide proof to the court of prescriptions and
documentation from health care providers regarding the lawful possession and use of those
medications.
So she provided us with a prescription for ADD meds that contain amphetamines. But if she's saying now there is crystal meth in her system, do WE pay for the additional testing to prove that shes taking meth now? Because the additional testing is not REQUIRED by the court order.

Also- it says

Quote:
During the period of Mother’s drug testing, Mother’s parenting time shall be supervised at all times by her own parent(s). Mother’s parenting time shall be
exercised as follows:
So that says that if she doesn't test, she doesn't get visitation.

We have a lot to do over the next 2 weeks.
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