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I don't know what to do


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  #1  
August 7th, 2006, 09:32 PM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Suffolk, Virginia
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I posted here a long time ago about how to tell my daughter that my husband was not her biological dad. I finally told her and she was happy...I know a little odd but thats my Sadie. She said that she always wanted to have a step daddy. We told her that some times the mommys and daddys that help make you are not the mommys and daddys that take care of you. I thought that was the best way to bring it about. She asked me if I was married before and I told her no and she was a little confused but then she asked what his name was and I told her. So anyway it went really well.

On to my issue.....In June this guy took me to court...again...because he didn't want to pay child support anymore. Well he lost. He has to pay so I guess that I should be happy about that. Well on friday night we were having a birthday party for the girls and guess what HE CALLED. For the FIRST time in 7 YEARS. I was so shocked that I had no idea what to say to her or him for that matter. My DH asked if she wanted to talk to him and she said ok. They talked for about 10 minutes. Nothing too important because I asked her what they talked about and the only thing that she said was that he wanted to get to know her and I thought that he already knew me and she said that it was weird.

So here I am talking to this guy that I do not even really know. I was 18 and just plain stupid when I had Sadie. I think that she really did save my life and I owe her everything. I was fadding into this world where nothing mattered and because I got pregnant with her....I grew up. I have done everything for her. I never asked him for child support that was the state. I have never asked him to pay for anything for her even though she has epilepsy and a fluoride allergy.

He told me that he wanted to get to know her and be a part of her life. And all I am thinking is that it has been 7 years buddy....too late...she has an awesome dad and doesn't need you. BUT at the same time I have never denied him the opportunity to get to know her...or see her. The only thing that I have said was that his wife will not be involved in this. And it is not because I hate her....even though I really do....it is because she has had one child taken away by the state because she was abusing him. If she would do that to her 18 month old baby what will she do to a child that isn't even hers....does that make sense?

My husband and I have talked in great length about all of this and we have desided that we are going to let Sadie guide us on this. I know that she is only 7 but we feel that because this is all about her that she gets to make the rules about talking to him and writing letters and even one day meeting him. Do you guys think that is ok? I mean we are having our own rules like he is to get to know her before he brings his wife and other children into it because this is a very tough thing to deal with and I would rather just have it be this way.

I have told him my rules and he has agreed to them. I am just afraid that if I deny him that he would take me to court and then I would have no say in it at all.

Any advice that you can give me about any of this would be very helpful. I just don't know if I am doing a very good job at this. I wish that he would just fall of a bridge or something....not really but I do wish that he would stay away but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

Thanks
Rebecca
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  #2  
August 8th, 2006, 03:59 AM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chicopee ma
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first i just wanna say your kids are adorable!...I cant completely understand how u feel but in some ways i do...Id keep your daughter away from his wife..what kind of lady is she to abuse her own child? if she could do that shed probabaly do it to her..so keeping the wife away is a good idea!...how far does he live away from you guys? maybe just writing letters and talking on the phone would be an okay idea as long as she wants to do it..if she decides that she doesnt wanna talk to him anymore then id agree with it...i dont really no how the courts are but i personally think that what you say goes and that he shouldnt really have a say in anything since he hasnt been involved in 7 years...7 years is a longg time..If he wants to get to no her and she does to thats cool but i wouldnt let him jump in and out of her life cause itll confuse her..i dont think she deserves someone to jump into her life after 7 years then leave as quicky as he entered and then come back again...kwim? i really wish i had better advice for u..
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  #3  
August 8th, 2006, 07:05 AM
TGunn8232's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 4,252
What a hard situation for you. I think you are doing the right thing. It must be really hard to let someone that hasn't been around for 7 years just jump in like that. I would definitely try to keep her away form his wife. She doesn't seem like someone who needs to be around kids. I hope this all works out for the best.
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  #4  
August 8th, 2006, 08:49 AM
CrazyFrog
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I agree with both the replies above. If he really wants to see her, then I would suggest that he just come to your house to visit (if your DH is okay with that of course), this way you are in control of the situation. I would definitely not let her go to his house with his wife. If he pursues taking you to court, I think you would win anyway because he hasn't visited in 7 years and because of his wife's background. At most, he would probably get supervised visitation. Good luck and keep us posted on the situation.
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  #5  
August 8th, 2006, 09:01 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks guys. I think that I really just needed someone to say that I was doing the right thing. I KNOW that he is not going to visit her because he lives 1300 miles away and he can not even afford to pay his child support of $164 a month half the time so I don't think that he is going to hop on a plane at anytime soon. I am only scared that he would take me back to court and that they would make me pay for her to go there and I really do not want to.
Rebecca
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  #6  
August 8th, 2006, 02:35 PM
vimagray's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: CT
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Quote:
I agree with both the replies above. If he really wants to see her, then I would suggest that he just come to your house to visit (if your DH is okay with that of course), this way you are in control of the situation. I would definitely not let her go to his house with his wife. If he pursues taking you to court, I think you would win anyway because he hasn't visited in 7 years and because of his wife's background. At most, he would probably get supervised visitation. Good luck and keep us posted on the situation.[/b]
I agree with the above quote. Good luck.
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