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Anyone the Bio mom with no skids?


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  #1  
October 14th, 2004, 04:34 AM
Julie's Avatar Veteran
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I have two daughters and remarried almost a year and a half ago. Hubby has no kids.
OUr problems aren't related to his kids/my kids issues.....it's more related to him never having raised a kid and thinks he really knows how it feels to be a parent. That's nutshelled of course..lots more to it. But is anyone else here the biological mom with no step kids in the picture and you're having problems with your hubby??
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  #2  
October 14th, 2004, 08:37 AM
zonapellucida
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I am a bio mom with the tow oldests living wiht their dad. Becasue we are now 1700 miles away we seldom have them and their aren't many issues with them listening to the step dad--other than them being teens.....
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  #3  
October 15th, 2004, 10:08 PM
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Im the mom to my 3 girls and Kevin dosent have any kids. Kevin does feel overwhelmed at not knowing how to do the 'dad' thing sometimes but our problem is always kevin and my ex husband getting into fights b/c they have to discuss who is and isnt pulling their load in regards to the girls.. sheesh it blows!!

I know how you feel!!

SO whats the issue..???
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  #4  
October 19th, 2004, 11:28 AM
Julie's Avatar Veteran
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Hi Sim and Zona..thanks so much for chiming in and sorry it took me so long to respond back. I don't get online from home (hubby hogs the puter) so I can only get on from work and it's been HECTIC here lately


Our main problems seem to be differing discipline expectations and his resentment of the ex. My ex isn't perfect by any means...but we have an arrangement that works for us and we get along 90% of the time.

Current hubby hates that I EVER have to talk with the ex and gets very sulky anytime I do have to....even if it's only for a minute or 2.

I'd use the word "jealous" or even "immature" but of course, he doesn't think either of those apply to why he feels the way he does.

He also seems to be very selfish about this pregnancy (it'll probably be his one and only baby, with me at least ) and he wants all the good stuff to be just between me and him. Like he didn't want the girls to go with us to the hospital tour, doesn't want them in the delivery room and has asked that they wait outside while we find out the sex when we go for the u/s on the 29th. He said "well they can come in for the remainder of the u/s after they tell us the sex". I say, the whole darn thing only lasts for a few minutes and by the time they tell us the sex, it'll be almost over and the girls will have missed everything good.

I've rambled and that was only the tip of the iceberg
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  #5  
October 24th, 2004, 10:41 AM
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Kevin HATES my ex.. to the point that they have screamong matches on the phone. *sigh* One thing I've realized is that when he takes you on as his wife he also takes the girls on as part of his family. They have every right to the adventure as much as he does. If he shuns them out then the girls and the new babe will be treated differently which is not ok. He is building walls and resentment between him and those girls! Your house is sappose to be their haven and when the stepdad makes them feel like 3rd class in their own home and family things have to be done. Sorry thats JMHO.
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  #6  
October 24th, 2004, 10:56 AM
oreokitten
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sim@Oct 24 2004, 01:41 PM
One thing I've realized is that when he takes you on as his wife he also takes the girls on as part of his family. They have every right to the adventure as much as he does. If he shuns them out then the girls and the new babe will be treated differently which is not ok.* He is building walls and resentment between him and those girls! Your house is sappose to be their haven and when the stepdad makes them feel like 3rd class in their own home and family things have to be done. Sorry thats JMHO.
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I totally agree. Brian has two girls of his own and we share the two younger girls, but when it comes to my two from a previous marriage, he sometimes treats them differently. It makes me very angry sometimes, but he just doesn't realize it. The step-dad NEEDS to treat the step-kids as equals or they will grow up resenting him and maybe even you for 'choosing him or them'. I still have to remind Brian about it sometimes. Last year his daughter lost a tooth and all we had was a 5 so she got $5 for that one tooth. Aidan (my son) just lost his fisrt tooth and I put $3 under his pillow for him. I knew he was going to hear it from his step-sisters.."I got more than you" but we are poor this week. To my surprize when Brian asked how much I gave him, he handed me 2 more dollars. He said his girls got 5, Aidan should too. So I snuck back in and put it with the other 3. I was surprized and told him how much that meant to me that he was treating them as equals. His girls are very spoiled and my kids aren't so it makes for lots of resentment but as long as Brian stays treating them all as equals I beleive it will be fine.
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  #7  
October 24th, 2004, 11:44 AM
I Heart 4x4
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My DH isn't Danny's father biologically, but in every other sense of the word Father .... there is no one else in the world. KWIM? DH's family will definitly treat this new baby differently than Danny (and any others we may be blessed with), which pisses me off to no end. So, I have no real advice for you. Sorry! ((hugs))
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  #8  
October 25th, 2004, 05:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by oreokitten@Oct 24 2004, 12:56 PM
I totally agree. Brian has two girls of his own and we share the two younger girls, but when it comes to my two from a previous marriage, he sometimes treats them differently. It makes me very angry sometimes, but he just doesn't realize it.
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That's really what's so annoying to me..."he just doesn't realize it" ..and even when I try to tell him that there's something he just doesn't get about how it feels to be a "real" dad, he doesn't think it's true. Like how he doesn't think the girls should EVER ask for anything more than once. He says it's disrespectful and that they're old enough to take "NO" the first time and just "get it" (they're 5 & 7)

I might be able to see his point if the girls asked for things and I said no and they pitched a fit...but they don't. They just try a time or 2 and I think that's what kids naturally do....he doesn't....OR, I could see his point if they asked for things and I always gave in to them...but I don't.

We don't have the baby yet to compare how he might treat them differently, but if that does happen....we're gonna have issues

I'm really hoping that once he finds out how it feels to be a real parent and has that unquestioning love for that little person, that he'll understand a little better how I feel about the girls and then in turn understand why I WANT to do things for them sometimes .."just because'..because right now, he doesn't understand if I want to just get them a little something or take them somewhere special even if it's not a special occasion.....he thinks it's called "spoiling"..I call it "enjoying seeing my kids smiling faces"
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  #9  
January 13th, 2005, 05:28 PM
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YES!!! My dbf didn't have any kids when we got together (we now have Brenna together) and he still tells me how to raise my boys. It drives me nuts. It's like no one on earth can parent better than him, even though he's only been a father for 17 months. I won't turn this into my vent, but believe me, it drives me up a freaking wall too!!!!

The other factor is that my ex, his wife and I all get along really well. He thinks that's weird. I suppose it is strange, but you know what? It's a lot healthier for the kids and that is ALL I care about. So get over it, you know?? UGH!

eta - Julie, I thought that having Brenna would solve our issues too, but it hasn't changed a thing. As a matter of fact, anytime she is acting rotten (which is a lot lately), it is always MY fault. It is starting to p*ss me off.
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  #10  
January 18th, 2005, 10:05 AM
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I know exactly what you mean about them not understanding how we can get along with the ex...and even with ex's current wife/gf.

My husband would be MUCH happier if I hated my ex..even though anyone with ANY common sense would understand that it's obviously better for the kids for their parents to get along....as you said.

The new baby will be here soon and I'm dreading and looking forward to changes at the same time. How will it work? dunno? LOL
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  #11  
January 18th, 2005, 10:58 AM
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My hubby doesn`t have children........But he does unbelievably well with my kids & grandsons.
I know from what my kids tell me.....my Ex`s wife is very good to them. So, things are really good with all of us. I`m thankful for that!
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  #12  
April 8th, 2005, 10:58 PM
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When me and my fiance got together my son was just over a year old. He had no idea how to be a parent, and for a long time, he wasn't. It wasn't until we were engaged and living together that he started trying to parent more, but it was funny to watch. I have actually reminded him "you can't ground a 2 year old to his room for a full day. try a time out in the corner and then talk to him about why he was in trouble"

Now we're expecting a baby and he's suddenly clicked a little. He hasn't tried to ground him to his room lately and has taken more advice about parenting. He suddenly told me "I am clueless when it comes to be daddy!"
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  #13  
May 28th, 2005, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Julie@Oct 19 2004, 01:28 PM
Hi Sim and Zona..thanks so much for chiming in and sorry it took me so long to respond back. I don't get online from home (hubby hogs the puter) so I can only get on from work and it's been HECTIC here lately


Our main problems seem to be differing discipline expectations and his resentment of the ex. My ex isn't perfect by any means...but we have an arrangement that works for us and we get along 90% of the time.

Current hubby hates that I EVER have to talk with the ex and gets very sulky anytime I do have to....even if it's only for a minute or 2.

I'd use the word "jealous" or even "immature" but of course, he doesn't think either of those apply to why he feels the way he does.

He also seems to be very selfish about this pregnancy (it'll probably be his one and only baby, with me at least ) and he wants all the good stuff to be just between me and him. Like he didn't want the girls to go with us to the hospital tour, doesn't want them in the delivery room and has asked that they wait outside while we find out the sex when we go for the u/s on the 29th. He said "well they can come in for the remainder of the u/s after they tell us the sex". I say, the whole darn thing only lasts for a few minutes and by the time they tell us the sex, it'll be almost over and the girls will have missed everything good.

I've rambled and that was only the tip of the iceberg
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i hope leaving your children 'out' is not a common trend with your hubby...has he really accepted your children..not 'tolerate' but really truly accepted....

watch that closely..if he treats this baby like it is better than your other children that is not right and can be a problem....yoor children should not be made second class citizens when it comes to the addition to your family.....
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  #14  
May 31st, 2005, 08:50 AM
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I am the bio mother to 2 girls and hubby doesn't have any children. We dated for 7 years before we got married last year. We have never had any problems at all. He is wonderful with the girls and is a fantastic father. We are in the process of him adopting them and I feel very blessed to have him in my life. We are currently wanted to have one more before long. Our girls are 13 and 10
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