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Does anyone here dislike their stepkid/kids?


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  #1  
July 10th, 2005, 12:45 PM
steph1989's Avatar Super Mommy
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I am normally on the Feb DDC forum.....My name is Stephanie and DH and I have been married alittle over 3 years....we are expecting our first child in Feb......I just found this forum and wanted some thoughts.

I don't know what it is about my DH's son......but, he irritates me to no end. He's 8 years old and he's a know-it-all. Everything about him is, "what am I gonna get?" everything is "Mine, mine, mine". It's all about what he can get. He thinks he knows everything and I just don't like him.

He comes to us every other weekend.......and I dread every other weekend. He annoys me and I used to feel so bad that I felt this......but, now I have been accepting it and I realize that I do not have to like him. He's spoiled and he gets under my skin.

Does anyone else not like their DH's kids........how do you handle it?

Stephanie

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  #2  
July 11th, 2005, 08:06 PM
Cameron-n-JaydensMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi! Jumping over from Jan. DDC. I have a similar problem! My DH has a 6 year old son. He lives with us though! Lucky me... I have had alot of resentment towards him and it has taken alot from me to accept him and our situation. I still have that little twinge of ----not sure what the word is---at times. And he does irrate me at times to no end!! He is only six and I am afraid it is going to get alot worse. You have it lucky cause he is only with you every other weekend. That is how it started when my DH and I got together. But then his mother decided that she didn't want him any more and gave custody to my DH. Which caused alot of agony between us b/c he felt it was a decision that didn;t need to be discussed. So anyway I have come to terms with this and accepted that this is what my life has become. The only way I can get through it is to keep telling my self he is getting older every day and one day he will be old enough and won't want anything to do with us! Those days can not come fast enough!! Good luck and maybe we can chat more! It is nice to have someone who is going through the same things! No one else seems to understand the grief it sometimes gives!!! But good luck and I hope we can chat more!! Kristi

P.S. Dh and I have one child together and # 2 on the way...Things get a little worse when the baby comes..You feel more irittated and agravated by them!!
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  #3  
July 13th, 2005, 08:51 AM
steph1989's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thanks so much for responding Kristi........I sent you a Private message. I hope you get it. It was so good to get your response. I feel so alone in this. People don't understand.

Anyway, Read my PM and I look forward to chat more about this. I really need to share with someone that understands.

Thanks......
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Benjamin Patrick was born on January 26, 2006 at 6:31 PM! 7 lbs. 11.4 oz. 20 1/2"




April 6, 2006 will be our 4th Wedding Anniversary!




  #4  
July 13th, 2005, 04:05 PM
magilatuzzi's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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my so's daughters tend to drive me nuts too at times.. it is like they take turns. I have realized this week though that it isnt so much them... it is the way he handles them... or doesnt i should say. Lots of "you're gonna go in time out" or "you better be good" but no follow through and the kids know it!
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  #5  
July 14th, 2005, 05:45 AM
Amandalulu's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I pm'ed you Steph.
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  #6  
July 14th, 2005, 07:00 AM
steph1989's Avatar Super Mommy
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Oh my Gosh Amanda! Your baby is gorgeous.......absolutely gorgeous!
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Benjamin Patrick was born on January 26, 2006 at 6:31 PM! 7 lbs. 11.4 oz. 20 1/2"




April 6, 2006 will be our 4th Wedding Anniversary!




  #7  
July 16th, 2005, 03:23 PM
Amandalulu's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally posted by steph1989@Jul 14 2005, 11:00 AM
Oh my Gosh Amanda!* Your baby is gorgeous.......absolutely gorgeous!*
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Thank you, she looks just like her sister did at her age.
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  #8  
August 28th, 2005, 10:26 AM
maximabella's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ive had these feelings too toward my 8 yr old stepdaughter, not ever that I didnt like here, but there are a handful of things, I cannot change, becuz I did not raise her..
There was also resentment..
I am not perfect..
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  #9  
August 28th, 2005, 06:35 PM
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My husbands's 3 kids live with us full-time. Although I've never had the feeling of not liking them, they do stress me out quite a bit sometimes. Especially now that I'm pregnant. I feel like the maid sometimes instead of a mom. I've been raising them for over 6 years, though. I was with him for the 1st birthday of his daughter. The longer you raise them, the easier it should get. Depending on how much your husband has to do with it. I know I stress out a lot more now that I'm pregnant than I ever did before. Hang in there.
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  #10  
September 11th, 2005, 08:40 AM
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I am so with you girls, but yet I feel so bad about it!. My DH has 2 boys from previous marriage. They are 8, 10.
They drive me crazy and stress me out too. I do love them though, I just wish it was different. I have such mixed feelings about things. I know it isn't their fault, they didn't choose this life but I did. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I do feel a little angry too, when I married my DH we only had the kids every other weekend. Now though, the Ex wants to give them to us fulltime.... I really don't want them but what can I say...??? I just feel like it isn't how it was supposed to be. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if our marriage can survive it. I am not even sure if it is the kids or the ex that irritates me so much. We pay her so much $$$ and then still have the kids all the time....grr!! We do have 1 son between us as well. I just feel like DH and I dont fight when it is just the 3 of us, but as soon as the kids come, everything changes...
I don't know.
How do you guys get through it? Does it really get better?
Would you make the same decisions again?
I love my DH but if I had a chance to do it again, I am not sure I would....
Wow! Thanks for letting me vent!!!
  #11  
September 12th, 2005, 08:42 AM
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I think that it does get better with time. I've been with my DH for almost 7 years. I was dating him when his youngest turned 1. I'm practically their mom. Their "real" mom lives about 14 hours away and only sees them about once a year.

Is his ex going to sign over full custody to him? If she does she should have to pay child support to him instead of the other way around.

As far as me making the same decision if I had to do it all over again, Yes. I've thought at times that I wouldn't but my DH really is a good husband and he's a great dad. There aren't many men out there that don't have kids. And a lot of them that have kids don't want anything to do with them. I think it says a lot about a person when they take good care of their kids.

Sorry to ramble. I hope eveything goes okay. Let us know. And we're all here if you need to vent about anything.
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  #12  
September 14th, 2005, 09:00 PM
mrobinson
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SHoward - do you think you get along because you're basically the only influence and was able to start so young?
  #13  
September 22nd, 2005, 06:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by mrobinson@Sep 14 2005, 11:00 PM
SHoward - do you think you get along because you're basically the only influence and was able to start so young?
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I honestly do think it helps that they were so young. The oldest was the only one who ever even asked about their mom when they were younger.

We did have some issues at first mostly because I'm white. She didn't want a "white girl" raising her kids. She would call my MIL and everyone else in the family to talk bad about me. She finally quit that because they would all stick up for me.

I think it should get easier the longer you are around your stepkids.
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  #14  
September 22nd, 2005, 10:30 AM
mrobinson
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I'm happy to hear that.

I personally was on the receiving end. (I had a step-mom.) I came across this and was very intrigued because of my experience.

I wish you all well!
  #15  
September 24th, 2005, 07:16 PM
Kierasmom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't feel that way about my stepson. I have known him since he was 2 and I feel like his parent most of the time. His mom doesn't care about him at all. She doesn't call or come to see him. We got custody of him a year ago because she was abusing him(and her husband was to). The transition to him living here was hard because he took that abusive behavior he learned and used it on his brothers. THAT was the hardest for me. To see my kids suffer because his mother is a... well I won't go there. But things have gotten SO much better. I have worked really hard with him this past year and he has really changed. I don't think I ever resented him or disliked him, but it was hard.

Try spending some one on one time with your DH's kids. It will help you build a stronger relationship.
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  #16  
September 26th, 2005, 09:17 AM
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I'm glad everything is going good with your step-son. It sounds like he's in a much better place now. I guess you agree with me then, that it gets easier with time. I think it also helps me now that I'm a little older.
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  #17  
September 27th, 2005, 07:57 AM
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Quote:
He comes to us every other weekend.......and I dread every other weekend. He annoys me and I used to feel so bad that I felt this......but, now I have been accepting it and I realize that I do not have to like him. He's spoiled and he gets under my skin.[/b]
does DH know you can't sdtand his son,.....kids at 8 are lots of times like that....its a phase...when your child is 8 I am sure he/she will get on someones nerves too...

why marry a man and you know you don't like his child?

When your new baby comes will you openly favor that child?

Lots to consider here.....wishing you the best of luck, but kids are going to go through annoying stages, at any age, not excusing his spoiled behavior but some of it is par for the course...you also have to consider his feelings, how is he handeling his parents nto being together? How do you think he feels about the pregnancy? Kids are just little people....they have feelings and emotions too..could some of his behavior just be acting out?

Have you guys considered family counseling? I don't think its a good idea to say 'well I don't have to like him'...would you feel comfortable sending your child off with someone who didn't really like him/her?


I say explore his behavior, get to the bottom of it and try to heal the relationship.

Also what is his mother like, she may be a part of his bahavior too...never know what info she is pumping into the boy. he is still a young child...
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  #18  
September 27th, 2005, 08:10 AM
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also another poster said it seems like she and hubby fight more when 'his' kids come over...what changes when teh kids come over? What are the children doing to incite these fights?

I don't know....I always thought that if you marry a man with children then they are YOUR children too. What kind of family has that kind of division..I don't think divided famalies last very long...

I think alot of it may be resentment, are some of you angry that DH's have had children from other relationships?

How do you resent a child? I guess I just don't understand, DF does not have any children, but he raises DD like she were his own, in the early stages it has been rocky, DD wanted her bio dad and I to be a family but that definately was not happenng, she went through thinking she did not have to obey DF and they just had to spedn time together and work it out. She is 6 and as any honest parent will tell you, even your OWN kids can get on your last nerves, its par for the course..

what I worry is that these 'step-kids' that are so unlikes will be pushed aside when the new baby comes and you think you have trouble now...try handeling a child who feels his parents favor a sibling over them....I don't blame any child for acting out if a step mom or dad maybe not openly but obviouslyand even subliminaly (sp?) favors a 'biological' child. When you have a blende family, the family is fusing, coming together as 1, I would NOT be marrying or involved with ANY man who disliked my child. DF was and is patient and loving and treats her like she were his and DD and I both appreciate it. At 6 DD can be a HANDFULL believe that but she knows her mom and future step dad love her to pieces.

Maybe the step kids are reacting to the vibes they get from you...if you can feel someone resents you, how quick and ready will you be to accept and behave for them?? Even adults react when they can sense someone does not like or resents them...can't blame a kid for that at all.....

Good luck and I hope the relationships with the step children improve and grow into happier relationships
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  #19  
September 27th, 2005, 08:38 AM
mrobinson
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I'm sure, in hind-sight, we'd all do it perfectly but not all situations are like that. These women have a platform to discuss the problems they're facing. Let them know they're not alone.

I really appreciate your encouargement of happier relationships. I'm sure that could speak for everyone.
  #20  
September 27th, 2005, 10:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by mrobinson@Sep 27 2005, 10:38 AM
I'm sure, in hind-sight, we'd all do it perfectly but not all situations are like that. These women have a platform to discuss the problems they're facing.* Let them know they're not alone.

I really appreciate your encouargement of happier relationships.* I'm sure that could speak for everyone.
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I agree with you that most of these women just need support. It's not easy and I don't know how anyone can expect it to be. I handle things a lot better now that I'm more mature than when we started dating. For anyone that thinks you shouldn't marry someone with kids if you don't know how you will handle it, how many people in their mid 20's do you know that don't already have a child or children? I think we should just encourage these women to reach out to their stepkids and enlist the help of their husbands. It will take everyone in the family to make it stronger.
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