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  • 1 Post By cdunlop1679

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  #1  
September 22nd, 2005, 02:02 PM
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I just stumbled across this forum and was shocked to read how many of you do not like your step children or your DH's children. I cannot even imagine some of the things people were writing about not liking a 6 year old or an 8 year old? it truly baffles me. You all knew your DH's had children before you married them, maybe you really need to work on the relationship you have with these children before you have your own, do you truly think these children will not see how much you love your own children and compare that to how much love they are feeling from you? I have never met a child i have not liked, to me every child is unique in it's own way, and every 6-8 year old i know is a bit rangy and off the wall. It really saddens me to hear people talk this way about children, I know they are your thoughts and opinions and your being honest but I just wanted to have my thought and opinion on this out there as well. My husband and I met when my daughter was 2 and we are now expecting our third. Before we got married and had children of our own I was sure that he was treating her with the love and respect he would treat his biological children with. I wouldn't have had it other way. Just my opinion.
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  #2  
September 23rd, 2005, 03:08 PM
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I have to say I agree with you on this one.I also see alot written i dont believe either.No its not the fairy tale life when there are children from other relationships but its not the inocent childs fault either.Just wanted to tell you your not alone
  #3  
September 24th, 2005, 08:27 AM
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I agree and am saddened. If my FI thought, let alone wrote some of what I have heard, I would be so upset and would seriously re-think being with him.

Yes, children are a challenge. I know my daughter has given my FI his share of meltdowns, but I know he loves her unconditionally and would never hold resentment against her.
I truly hope, for the sake of the children, that this was a temporary lack of judgement and that things get healthier.
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  #4  
September 27th, 2005, 09:12 AM
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OMG! I wish I saw this post before I posted in the other post. I TOTALLY AGREE.... How silly does it sound to say you don't like a 6 and 8 year old, like they will be soon giving birth to perfect children that will never annoy anyone...

I just hope for all the children involved sakes's that they really work on the relationships and things improve because it is nothing like feeling like you are the 'bad seed' kid.....


I agree with your post 110%!!!!
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  #5  
September 27th, 2005, 09:26 AM
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I grew up with a step-mom who was emotionally unavailable. Only now do I feel like I'm getting some sort of relationship built up. I don't resent her for her attitude because she was so young, naive and in the middle of impossible situations. My dad would never make it easier, although he loved us all very much. Her family rejected her completely because it was un-Catholic. What were her choices? Crap and crap.

Being a step mom is not an easy role to take and do. It's hard on everyone. I can't judge these women because it's so hard and they need to openly chat about it. In a perfect world, everyone would just love each other but it's not a perfect world. I would rather not say anything, even though it's really hurtful because they need to support each other. Judging them is not helping anyone. Trust me they want to love their step-kids equally but humans are not perfect.
  #6  
September 27th, 2005, 10:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by mrobinson@Sep 27 2005, 10:26 AM
I grew up with a step-mom who was emotionally unavailable.* Only now do I feel like I'm getting some sort of relationship built up.* I don't resent her for her attitude because she was so young, naive and in the middle of impossible situations.* My dad would never make it easier, although he loved us all very much.* Her family rejected her completely because it was un-Catholic. What were her choices? Crap and crap.

Being a step mom is not an easy role to take and do.* It's hard on everyone.* I can't judge these women because it's so hard and they need to openly chat about it.* In a perfect world, everyone would just love each other but it's not a perfect world.* I would rather not say anything, even though it's really hurtful because they need to support each other.* Judging them is not helping anyone.* Trust me they want to love their step-kids equally but humans are not perfect.
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I don't feel that I am judging them, I am quite simply saying it like it is. NObody said it would be easy, but the situation isn't for everyone. Some people need to realize this rather then taking it out on innocent children. The people that were stating how they are annoyed with and don't like there step children never mentioned that they are looking for solutions on how to fix these relationships?? or how to start a loving relationship with these children?? there was no remorse for the way they feel about them~ the only people i feel sorry for in that post are the kids. For everyone else that supported my comments....Thanks you I thought i was going to get blasted for writing it!
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  #7  
September 27th, 2005, 10:36 AM
mrobinson
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I don't think anyone really disagrees with your opinion. We all know the right thing is the kids point-of-view. I was trying to generalize the judgement to anyone who wanted to tell them what they're doing is wrong. THE POINT IS EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS IT'S WRONG. Sometimes everyone needs to vent, even if it doesn't make sense.

EDIT - If you felt my comments were directed at you only, I completely apologize. It wasn't my intention but that doesn't make it ok. IMHO, this is a tought subject and my stepmom included, will feel remorse for years to come.
  #8  
September 27th, 2005, 11:05 AM
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thats where i disagree, i don't think 'everyone knows and thinks it's wrong'. I don't think these women feel badly for how they feel or want to change it. I think thats the biggest problem, they accept only that these kids aren't theres and aren't looking for ways to make the situatiuon better. It's truly sad~ I don't mind that they are venting but just keep in mind that is also what I am doing.
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  #9  
September 27th, 2005, 11:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by cdunlop1679@Sep 27 2005, 12:05 PM
thats where i disagree, i don't think 'everyone knows and thinks it's wrong'. I don't think these women feel badly for how they feel or want to change it. I think thats the biggest problem, they accept only that these kids aren't theres and aren't looking for ways to make the situatiuon better. It's truly sad~ I don't mind that they are venting but just keep in mind that is also what I am doing.
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That's what this board is here for. But I think the reason most of them posted anything was that they wanted support from others. Some of us with more experience posted replies to try to help them. When I was younger, it was harder to deal with my step-kids. It's hard to instantly accept being a mom to someone else's child. But they need to be encouraged that it can get better with time, patience and love! (I'm not trying to offend anyone, I just wanted to throw my opinion in here)
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  #10  
September 27th, 2005, 11:25 AM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Originally posted by cdunlop1679@Sep 27 2005, 11:05 AM
thats where i disagree, i don't think 'everyone knows and thinks it's wrong'. I don't think these women feel badly for how they feel or want to change it. I think thats the biggest problem, they accept only that these kids aren't theres and aren't looking for ways to make the situatiuon better. It's truly sad~ I don't mind that they are venting but just keep in mind that is also what I am doing.
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Ok. It's always better error on the side of caution. I think you've accomplished that now. Thank you for your feedback.
Quote:
Originally posted by SHoward@Sep 27 2005, 11:15 AM
It's hard to instantly accept being a mom to someone else's child. But they need to be encouraged that it can get better with time, patience and love!
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Thank you for your input too.

This is a tough subject and the thing I would want is for anyone to feel alone and guilty because it's the kids who will then suffer for that too.
  #11  
September 27th, 2005, 11:33 AM
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The very first post in that thread the person who started the post said "I do not like my DH's son~he get's under my skin~I have accepted that i just do not like him. "That to me does not sound like someone looking for support?? Maybe as you you stated SOME of the women were looking for support and to those women I hope they get the support and help they need, my comments are at the women (like the one who started the thread) that can just accept they hate an 8 year old?? I don't think that this has anything to do with someone being "experienced" at posting, if I sat on here all day I could make a comments left right and center~but that doesn't mean they'll be right! I don't think encouraging these women it will get better with time is the right approach either, some people are not cut out to be step parents and will do more harm to these children then good~whos' to say it will get better? maybe in your situation, but every situation is different. My husband raises my first born the same as his biological child. I never would have married a man that was not able to do this. To me it's as simple as that.
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  #12  
September 27th, 2005, 11:38 AM
mrobinson
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well, your right - so why continue?
  #13  
September 27th, 2005, 12:53 PM
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Quote:
It's hard to instantly accept being a mom to someone else's child.[/b]
I agree. Truer words were never spoken...But I implore wmen to not take on the role until they are ready for it.

I have a good friend that will not date a man with children seriously, barely even will date a father at all. Why? Because she knows that that is not her cup of tea to be someones step mom. She knows this and because she knows she is not hot about 'mothering' others children she steers clear.

Why is this so hard to do? Because the man you want comes with 'strings'?? You want to land the man so you 'tolerate' NOT ACCEPT the kids that he comes with.

I think that may be the problem. Tolerance is not the same as acceptance...by far. You tolerate things because of a catch 22. Sorry but children are not and should not be treated as catch 22's...

Now while I disagree with my girl for excluding and not dating men with children, I respect that at least she is honest about it.


If you feel resentment towards a 6,7,8 or whatever year old child, you need to honestly sit down and evaluate why you feel this way about a CHILD...More often than not I bet the answer is because they represent a previous relationship that their DH or Fiance or SO had with another woman. And on some level it breeds resentment. In certain women. My uncle has 4 step kids who he treats like his own, I mean he loves them and loves them hard. My grandfather was a step father to my granny's first born son, when she was left to be a single mom.

Some people are capable of loving their mate's children with an open heart, others are not. Thank goodness I found and am marrying a man who loves my daughter and raises her the best any natural father can. But PLEASE believe I would be out the door if I had an inkling he harbored any kind of resentment towards her. That is a scary thing...an adult that resents a child, horrid things happen with parents that resent kids....

My daughter had an amazing step mother. I could have not asked for a better mother figure than my DD's dad's ex wife. I never had to worry about any foolishness with his ex wife and she and I are still friendly to this day.

I swear I hope things get better i know we all need to vent but part of venting and healign is seeing where things can improve and working towards a better existence....
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  #14  
September 27th, 2005, 01:01 PM
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Blame the hormones but I am on a roll....

###### I love my DF. Instead of griping about troubles with being a future step parent he always coems uop with ways to bridge the gap between him and my DD. He asks about books we can read as a family and counseling that we could go to as a family. He does not fuss about her misbehaving he works on solutions to mend the relationship. Last year when it was particularlily strained he told me to just relax and that it would just take time. He suggests just 1 on 1 bonding time with DD, he suggests zoo trips and vacations and him reading her her story goodnight and things like that. This is a future step parent that is stepping to the plate and actually being proactive. And let me tell you DD gave him a run for his money (at 5 & 6 years old) but he reamined a good father figure and put in effort and as a family we have grown by leaps and bounds. My DD adores him and vice versa. Now don't think she does not misbehave because she is 6 going on 26 and a true TRIP but we can handle it because we have a good foundation. Build a foundation instead of just trying to build a house on a quick sand pit.

there, just like step mothers who resent their step kids can vent, moms of blended famalies can vent and implore they take charge and bridge that gap.

love and a happy family is at stake!!
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  #15  
September 27th, 2005, 01:09 PM
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It can be hard when it is someone elses kid. Especially if that child is a handful and the parent won't/doesn't address the situation. If the child is a handful in the first place and you think/hope that someday that child will mature and doesn't, that is even harder. Especially if you take the time and effort to help the child and try to develop a relationship with them and the child disregards it all. I have a child that is a handful and my DH (blended) can have a hard time actually liking him. Sometimes I have a hard time liking my DS, just because he is so... much more than most people are equiped to handle. I can see where some people are coming from.
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  #16  
September 27th, 2005, 01:44 PM
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IMHO to add to what's been said, that original post/thread we were all referring to was filled with raw, unfiltered emotion... please also look here:
http://www.justmommies.com/boards/in...howtopic=99914
  #17  
September 27th, 2005, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by mrobinson@Sep 27 2005, 02:44 PM
IMHO to add to what's been said, that original post/thread we were all referring to was filled with raw, unfiltered emotion... please also look here:
http://www.justmommies.com/boards/in...howtopic=99914
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I'm so glad that this took a positive turn. It was starting to upset me and I was just one of the people trying to give moral support. (I'm pregnant so it doesn't take much to get me emotional anyway). At least we're showing that we can all pull together and support someone even if our opinions don't always match!
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  #18  
September 27th, 2005, 02:29 PM
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The only thing in my relationship i have a hard time getting over,Is me and dbf have his child 24/7.There is NO mom around.But when i talk about having a child he is not ready.Or we need to wait.That hurts me because i feel i have alot to give a child and Im giving it all ti his.Does that make any sense?Is that a normal feeling to feel very hurt by that?
  #19  
September 27th, 2005, 02:34 PM
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I think it's perfectly normal girl. Hang in there. I can tell you're going about it the right way - not guilting him into having a child but still voicing your pain. I hope you can him can have one soon - where he'll want it as bad as you.
  #20  
September 27th, 2005, 02:44 PM
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This post is being locked as well. This is not a debate board. This is a support board. Please be considerate of other's feelings when posting.

Thank you,
Teresa
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