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I need Help talking to daughter


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
October 10th, 2005, 08:55 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am just going to tell my whole story so that I can get the best advice.

I got pregnant when I was 18. The man that got me pregnant was 26 and apparently engaged to be married to another woman. I didn't know that until after the fact. So I moved back in with my mother and went on about my life. I went the entire DNA route and it was confimed that this man was her father. ( I knew that he was trying to deny it). She was about 9 months old when it was confirmed and that was the only time that she has seen him. And it was for one hour. Anyway when she was about 14 months old I got back together with the guy that I dated for 2 years in highschool. We have since gotten married and had two more children. Everything has been fine. We never talk about Sadie having a different biological dad. Kal (hubby) is her daddy. She has no idea that he isn't. She has my last name while everyone else has my hubby's last name. She asked me about it once and I told her she had my last name because daddy and I were not married when she was born. She is fine with that answer. I just really think that it is getting close to the time when I have to tell her about the other man. There is alot more to that though because she is never going to be able to see him or talk to him on the phone or anything like that. I have what is called a good faith order through the courts because his now wife had a child taken away for abuse and neglect and I do not want my child around that and I fear for her safety if she had to be. I would have to go back through the court in order to get it removed and honestly that is not something that I nor my hubby want to do. We have thought about a step-parent adoption but it is not something that we could afford to do. I had told this other man that we would be happy to do it but he would have to pay for it. I figure he can pay for it and be done with child support for the rest of his life and the money that it would cast is no where near that.

Ok so my question is How do I tell her? I do not know what to say. I do not want her to hate her daddy but I do not want her to run to this other man either. I know that I should not keep this from her forever(even though I really never want to tell her). I want to be open with her about everything and not lie to her but she is only six. I do not know how much of the truth I should tell her. I gave this man 18 months to be in her life and he saw her one time for one hour. I told him I was done with it. I said that I was not going to let her be a part of his life because I wasn't going to let her be hurt by him. I even tried the court services mediation to try and work things out. Nothing. He wants no part of her. And I could care less because even if he did I would not allow it. It may sound wrong but we(hubby and I) have been the ones raising her and doing everything for her for over 6years, not him. We are the ones who has sat by her hospital bed when she has had seizures not him. We have provided for her not him.

I feel as if I just rambled and didn't even make any sense. If you could please help me I would be so grateful. Thank you so much.
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  #2  
October 10th, 2005, 10:05 AM
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You girls are coming up with some tough questions lately.

I don't know how much you can tell a 6 year old. They are old enough to understand a lot, but maybe not mature enough to handle it emotionally. Is the biological father willing to pay for your husband to adopt her? That would be really great for her.

I would tell you not to ever tell her, but if she found out eventually she would be really upset with you for not telling her. I think it would be better for her to hear it from you than someone else.

I don't blame you for not wanting him to be a part of her life. You can not force that on someone. And if he doesn't love her it would be no good for her to see him. It sounds like she has the only dad she needs.

I wish I knew the words to tell you to say to her. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.
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  #3  
October 10th, 2005, 10:41 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I thought about never telling her but I have had discussions with a lot of people in somewhat similar situation and they all have issues that they deal with when it comes to how and when they were told.

My oldest sister knew her entire life that my dad wasn't her real dad. And she loves him more than anything. She can not stand her real dad and wants nothing to do with him. She didn't even meet him until she was 16 and he gave her $20 and told her to have a great life.

My other older sister didn't find out that my dad wasn't her real dad until she was 12. She thought that was way too late. She has problems with my dad even though he and my mom started dating when she was 3 months preggo with her. She makes comments all the time that I am just the step daughter. My dad however doesn't believe that. Her real dad didn't even know that my mom was pregnant and my sister is 28 and has never even thought about contacting him.

A friend didn't find out until she was 18. On her 18th birthday her mom took her to cancun and told her on the flight there. That was just mean because the dad that she thought was her dad died when she was little and she thought that it just ruined the memories that she had of him. Her real dad didn't even want her either.


So needless to say I have all these stories from these people and I have no idea what I should be doing when it comes to this.
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  #4  
October 10th, 2005, 10:52 AM
jayded's Avatar Veteran
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WOW....you're situation is tough.
You know the mentality and maturity level of you daughter. Do you think she would understand a conversation on this topic?

Have you thought about broaching the subject with books? They seems to have books for every situation these days and I wonder if reading about blended families would help open the door to the conversation.
Reading it and asking questions might help you to see if she is ready to understand a situation like that......

I'm sorry I don't have any further advice. I ahve never been in your situation.
I do have a friend who is and has chosen to wait until her son is a bit older (10ish) as she doesn't think he would completely understand the whole issue.

Good luck
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