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I could really really really use some advice and I guess just all around information. I am about 8 weeks pregnant at the age of 22. This is my first child and I'm really unprepared. The father and I are not together, we were just friends. He wants me to have an abortion, but I have decided against that. I decided to keep the child, and I have the support from those closest to me. He however has basically told me that he now hates me, and this is the worst decision that I have ever made and is just all around being mean. I don't want to trap him and I don't want to "ruin" his life, so I'm now having second thoughts about keeping the baby. I'm scared, alone, and afraid that I'm making the wrong decision by keeping the baby. The father and I have mutual friends and they say he will come around, but everything so far has been so hurtful I don't think I want him around. What do I do, because crying and moping around hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Last edited by Loleex3; August 11th, 2010 at 08:42 PM.
Hello Lolee... I am sorry to hear you are going through such emotional times. I am 24 pregnant with my first child... All I can tell you is most mens reaction is ABORT! I myself am a single mother to be. At first my babies father was very mean to me and told me to get an abortion, I think many guys act like this when they are scared. Once I found out the sex of my baby and he realized it was far too late for me to have an abortion he came around. Actually he begged for me back, told me he was being very immature and apologized and said he wanted to be a great father. I was ecstatic. I think it will just take some time and he will come around. Don't stress out too much. Just think about life with you and your new baby and how great it will be whether he is in it or not. I know a lot of very good single mother's who have done great by themselves as could you. The less stress, the better.. Cry it off and hold your head up high and know you will be the best mother your child deserves. Good luck darling!
If he doesn't want to be a father, that doesn't mean you can't be a mother. You can still have the baby. You can take care of it and support it. It will be hard, but you can do it, and if he doesn't come around there are resources so you can go through the process of getting a DNA test (which is usually required) and child support.
And above all, your decision to keep this baby does not trap him, and does not ruin his life. Yes, it does mean he will have responsibilities now. But that doesn't mean he has to be with you or marry you. It doesn't even mean he has to be part of the child's life.
I could have written this post when i was 8 weeks along...
I think you should go with your gut, if you want to keep this baby, then keep the baby! Dont let anyone talk you into doing something that you dont want to do, and dont let him make you think that you are 'trapping' him. It takes 2!!! That was something that took me far too long to realize on my own.
Im not going to lie, going through the pregnancy w/o the support of the FOB was kinda lonely at times, but i, like you had the support of my family and friends. If I could go back and change how things happened, the only thing i would change is letting the FOB making me feel badly about being pregnant.
I think that ultimately you have a big decision to make, and its obvious that you are leaning more on the side of carrying the baby, than not-- but either way, let the decision be yours.
BTW-- Im Sasha, mom to Finley(10 weeks old tomorrow)
Hi, I'm Angie (22) mommy to Joey (almost 11 months). I'm sorry you are going through this. I can say though that his response seems to be pretty common in situations like this. Guys like to throw out all the mean comments, tell you that you will ruin their life and stuff like that just to try to get things to go their way. My situation is similar to yours. I got pregnant at 20 and had my baby boy at 21. His father and my family were telling me to get an abortion, saying that it was a horrible decision, and I would be ruining everyones lives. But in my situation, I knew I couldn't do that. I just figured that if I feel responsible enough to have sex than I should be ready to take responsibility for what could happen. My son's father was a one night stand on New Year's eve. He wanted nothing to do with the situation and always said he would never be involved. But everything changed once he got the DNA test results. He now wants to be involved all the time and he is constantly wanting to hang out with his son. I'm currently dating someone else but FOB keeps saying he wants to be with me so we can be a family and all that but I don't know. It was a long road to get to where we are though. FOB met my son for the first time about a month ago when he just turned 10 months so it took a while. So my point is LOL, things change and he probably will come around. But if he doesn't you will be fine and things will work out. But in the end, you need to do what is right for you because you will have to live with your choice forever. And just think, you aren't that young, lots of people have planned babies at 22. Good luck hun and be strong and do what is right for you.
Hello! Im Melissa (25) and DS is Mason (23 months). I have to agree with everyone else here. When i first told FOB he told me I trapped him and he would resent me blah blah... As things would turn out once I was in my third trimester he lightened up. The day our son was born he cried out of joy. He cries all the time now whenever he sees Mason or talks to him on the phone (we live very far apart). FOB in no way resents me and wants to be a better father than he currently is. He is now proud of the fact that he is a dad.
I really don't have much to add, the other ladies said it all,
just go with your gut, and know you CAN do it on your own,
I'm 18, and I have a 3 month old, FOB did the same thing, hurt me, said to abort, then came around, and now sadly has disappeared again, but none of it matters, all that matters is my daughter is safe, happy and loved, and ALWAYS will be, no matter who else, at least by me. I have tons of family support to get me through it.
I hope everything works out for you, and know we are always here as a support.
Well this is a set of lovely prepared women here and I'll give you my story also. I was in the Navy still when I got preggos at 19... I had my child not only away from him and family but way in Japan on 9/11/2001... one week shy of 20. and if that hadn't been the blessing of my life. You will get through it if you are determined to get through it. His comments- I agree- may be out of sheer fear, but in the end if he does decide to continue to be a complete d**k... Child support services are your FRIEND- it takes two and you shouldn't have to bear the burden or costs alone if he "opts" to not be proactive in the baby's life or take responsibility as you have. Bet he'll wear a condom next time! Either way.. I have accomplished plenty as a single mom... Of course it gets hard, but you can do whatever you put your mind to... IT administration, cosmetology license and bachelors degree... SINGLE MOM. <--- Yea..I did that single without his help. My baby is my inspiration. I don't need anyones approval- and as long as you're happy and know you can do alright without.. do your thing! Do not let him take over your mind and believe you're doing something wrong for taking responsibility for your actions. God bless and let your heart lead you where you need to be, but also remember to make good judgement calls too
Hi my name is Joy, I am 21 with a newborn baby girl. I will chime in with the other ladies saying you can do this alone you do not need him in your life, especially him with the negative crap. You want to keep your baby keep him or her and raise him or her by yourself with the love,help, and care of those close to you. We are all here for you!
Hi there I'm Katie, 23, and expecting my first- a son that I plan on naming Ryder- on October 8th.
I too could've written this post at 8 weeks.
I was scared to DEATH of telling the baby's dad. I put off a test because I was scared to find out the truth. I was 3 weeks late when I finally went ahead and took the test. It took me nearly 2 weeks to tell him! He was at work and I told him when he got home we needed to go to the store. He told me in a not so nice way that he WASN'T going to the store and at the time I had no car so I said fine, I'll walk, I need a pregnancy test, I'm late... and he demanded I go get one and tell him as soon as I found out through texting. I didn't actually waste the money on another test, just told him "it went to positive right away"... and he immediately started in with the "you know we can't have a kid right now. I don't want a kid..." I told him I WAS NOT getting an abortion (I don't judge women that do, it just isn't something that's right for me) and that I was going to tell my parents. With that, he kicked me out of the house and said I better not be there when he got home.
We went a few days without talking, and I wasn't going to push or nag him, I figured I had 2 weeks to let it sink in and he needed time to let it sink in as well. He finally texted me, asked how I was doing, I asked how he was doing, he said he was surviving on cigarettes and beer with little to no sleep. He didn't want to discuss the baby but said he missed me and wanted me home. I said I wasn't coming home until we discussed it and discussed our other problems as well. So we made plans to go out to dinner that weekend and talk. We talked, he said he was getting used to the idea, hoped it was a boy, and we ate dinner and looked at baby clothes...
It didn't last.
I too have the support of my family. My mom bought his crib and it's currently on layaway but after she makes the next 2 payments it's mine. My sister got on ebay and bid on lots of baby outfits and got him over 80 nb-6month outfits for like $30 total. If that. Mom and sis both keep their eye out for coupons for diapers and buy those for me too. They're busy now planning my baby shower for me and took me to Target and Babies R Us to get registered. I have a 1 bedroom apt, at least til my lease is up next April, so Ryder will share a room with me at first. But I am doing a Dr. Seuss theme for him, and that is also the theme for my shower as well. My dad has bought him at least 2 little Chicago Bears outfits, even though I'm a huge Colt's fan lol. My brother joined the Army and gave Mom access to his bank account so as he puts money in if we need anything for the baby we have it. My other brother and sister in law have volunteered to watch him while I work part time from 2-6 so I can keep my job and my income and stay in school and not have to put him in daycare.
I have about a hundred cousins and aunts and uncles that are all supporting me as well. So even though I'm technically doing this "alone", I know I'm not really alone and I couldn't do this without them. You said you have the support of your family so that is definitely something to cling to right now to get you through the tough times. Just think of all the beautiful things you have to look forward to if you keep this baby. The first time you feel it move... the first kick... the ultrasound that will tell you if it's a boy or girl. Choosing a name... all these things are so special and wonderful and they helped to get me through the tough times. I will never forget his first kick. It was Mother's Day and the dad and I were still together and he told me I wasn't getting anything from him cause I was not a mother yet... and of course he referred to him as a tumor. Mom got me a pretty pink flower, and a Dr. Seuss book for him, and a card for the new mommy to be... but I was still so bummed that I didn't have anything special with him. That night I was mopey and crying around, and I was just holding my belly a little and felt one kick. I was wondering "was that a kick?" so he gave me another great big powerful kick. That was by far the BEST Mother's Day present I could've asked for.
If you choose to keep the baby you will find support and you will make it through. There are a lot of amazing assistance programs out there to help you meet your needs and keep food in both your stomachs and a roof over your head. I am already on some of them and Ryder has yet to even arrive yet! On Monday I start school part time, 2 online classes... so I will be in school, working, and a mom come October. All because I have the never ending support of my family. Trust me it's a POWERFUL thing. Don't underestimate it!!! The dad is around when he wants to be, but my family is around through the good and bad 24/7. The moping and tears are perfectly normal and acceptable. I still have those days and I'm quite a bit farther along than you are! Just take it one day at a time. There's also a great amount of support here on these message boards and you will find some amazing people with very similar stories to your's. Just keep your head up and know if you choose to keep the baby you will get through this, come out on top, and be stronger and better than ever, and you will have an amazing precious gift that your FOB may choose to be apart of or may not... either he'll grow up or he won't... if he chooses not to it's his loss but you don't need him!! You can do it without him! Trust me, you don't want to have to take care of a real infant and an infant disguised as a grown man. I found that out the hard way and wish I had left much sooner!!!
These ladies give alot of good advice.
This is my advice to you. I was 20 when i had my daughter. she is now 4. I love her more then anything. But if i had a choice back then i would not of kept her Simply because to young. And i didnt have my career set. Single mom is HARD. i dont wish it on anyone personally. Doing it alone can be hard. struggle ect. You need to ask yourself. Do you want this for u? You dont need to abort. You could do an open adoption if that makes you feel better also. But if you want to keep it congrats. It can be hard but it is worth it. Doing it alone is hard. harder then you could probably think or know right now! lol
but i wish you the best in your decision.
Single mommy to the most amazing child in this entire world!
It is hard but 100% doable. With the support of your family and friends they can more than make up for an even 1/2 interested dad. My son is now three and I am a full time student (19 hours per semester) and part time working. My mom and sister have been amazing and my 2 friends have been my backup babysitters for years. That is all I have had....4 people. If you even have one you can do reallly well...the more the merrier and easier... If someone offers help....take it as long as they are someone you trust. Dad's always act like that when you aren't trying to have a baby...at least 90% of the time from the mom's I have talked to about this. If he comes around that is great...if not that is fine too. If you need help on deciding which way to go on this you can also try to check out the abortion board on here...they can give you opinions from the other side. The unplanned pregnancy board can also help. You can also try the adoption/birth mother's board. There are many options out there all you need to do is find out which one is best for you...
Well like the other ladies have said you can do it on your own. I was married and left an abusive husband when i was pregant for my oldest, and did the whole pregnancy and raising on my own. My youngest was the result of a one night stand with my best friend. He flipped his lid crying etc about how his life was over and its not right for us to have the baby and I should have an abortion. He's friends that knew us both congratulated him, which pissed him off and he whined about that too. His female "friends" planted in his head that I was trying to trap him in a relationship etc. I finally left everything a lone we talked once or twice a lot of nasty things throughout the pregnancy. I called him after she was born and he reaffirmed that he wanted nothing to do with her at all and he wasn't ready to be a dad. We talked once more after that face to face and he broke down and said that he was glad that it was me that he got pregnant of all the women he had slept with because he knew i was a great mom and she would be taken care of. But that he doesn't want to have children ever or get married for that matter. My daughter had some health issues while she was young, so i had to contact him to ask questions about his family back round. Well his present girlfriend started having issues with that and wouldn't allow us to talk without her being on the phone and telling him what to say etc. So i took him for child support even though i said i would do it on my own. He flipped a lid on that and then filed for custody and visitation. I was forced to drop the child support in order to get him to stop the custody and visitation matter. That is all stuff to consider while considering to have this baby. If you chose to have it, are you going to chose to have the father in its life etc and will you be able to handle shared holidays and weekends the new girlfriends etc? Those are all things to consider.
You may be unprepared huni! BUT please for the sake of your sanity and your peace of mind, if you have the support of those close to you, DONT have an abortion, I was too in your position and I had the abortion, It was the most painful and stupidest decision I ever made, I now cannot look at my 2 daughters the same without feeling like I deceived them in someway! I just had it done this last Friday and I;m so lost! Don't let him make you feel less of a woman or treat you like crap, it takes 2 to make a baby and he shouldve been more responsible~!