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Every day last week, except for Wednesday, Kaisen has told me (completely out of the blue) "no see daddy". He said it twice a couple of days and 3 times throughout the day yesterday. He said it this morning too. It absolutely breaks my heart!
FOB, honestly, is a decent father. I'd like to say he's an awful father, but compared to other fathers, he's not that bad. He lacks common sense, he's careless, he absolutely sucks at discipline, he puts himself and his GF first, he's not very smart, and pissing me off and "punishing" me come before the best interests of our son. He is sometimes attentive to K, he does exercise most of his visitation, and he pays child support (well only because his wages are being garnished).
FOB has a total of 4 kids (3 from a previous relationship before K was born) and 1 that is due in January but could come any day. He lives with his pregnant girlfriend, who has a kid of her own and has custody of her nephew. So when Kaisen visits his fathers sometimes there's only 3 kids there (including him), but on weekends FOB has all of his kids... so a total of 6 kids! Ages of these kids are: 12, 7, 5, 5, 2, and 2. I have no idea how FOB's GF parents, but I know it's gotta be a total mad house there. I am worried about what this new edition will do to Kaisen.
For months now Kaisen has pretty much thrown a fit whenever FOB picks him up. Teachers at the daycare have told me of a few instances where Kaisen will cry and scream when FOB shows up. For weekend visits when my mom or I drop Kaisen off to FOB, K will cling to us for dear life and scream his head off. I feel sooo bad every time!
I don't think there is any physical abuse or anything like that. I do know that Kaisen is left with FOB's GF on just about every Saturday and most Sundays on his weekend visits. Between daycare and my house, it's quiet, there's rules, discipline and structure. From what I know about FOB's parenting skills, I doubt there is any of that at his house. So I think that plays a huge part in Kaisen not wanting to go there.
This past week is the first time he has come out and said "no see daddy" just out of nowhere. Like yesterday, I told him he needed to get in the bath because we were going bye bye. He said he didn't want to go bye bye and I told him we're going to see Santa. He got excited, thought about it, then said "no see daddy." Last night we were out shopping and 2 more times in the course of the night he said "no see daddy". This morning I got him out of bed and while he was sitting on his potty he said it again.
The saddest part about all this.... FOB is using his vacation week this week with Kaisen. I dropped K off at daycare this morning and won't see him again till Sunday night. I haven't been away from K for more than 2 days. I can only imagine how hard this will be for him. He's going to come home and regress with potty training and just be a monster child (happens after every weekend visit).
can you bring it up to his dad about what he is saying? is it possible that since there arent any rules the older kids can be mean? I know you would notice if there was physical abuse but what about emotional? could the girlfriend be mean when she is watching K?
I feel so bad for both of you..i just wonder if there is more going on..i mean if he was having fun he would enjoy going over there! esp with kids around his age!
I honestly can't talk to him about much. The past few months Kaisen has come home sick or with very runny poops after EVERY visit. And by sick I mean coughing to the point of gagging, not sleeping well and needing meds, fever, acting sick, etc. K has asthma so little things trigger it and sets him off. He often has a runny nose and a small cough. I have mentioned to FOB many times that Kaisen has come home sick and he throws it in my face that K is already sick when FOB gets him. In K's case, a runny nose and slight cough isn't sick, but gagging-coughing and fever is. I've had to miss work and keep K home from daycare quite a few days because of this. FOB doesn't seem to think he's at fault. His GF smokes, so I know that would trigger K's asthma. They live in a very old house that is not well taken care of, so I can see there being a lot of dust and mold. When K comes home from his visits, he smells like a very old concrete basement. That would definitely set off his asthma. I can't seem to get FOB to understand any of it and K continues to come home sick.
At this point, when K screams and cries when his dad picks him up, I'm sure FOB thinks we're putting these awful things in K's head to make K act like this. And that can't be farther from the truth. So I don't know if it would be a good idea to tell FOB about K saying any of that.
There are times when I think that K is being harmed by older kids. When he comes home, he uses his hitting and pushing as language, so I know hitting is obviously okay at FOB's house. FOB's 2 middle kids have ADHD, their mother is like FOB, horrible at rules and structure and discipline. They get more of those things at their father's house then at their mothers. So those 2 were absolute monsters when I lived with FOB. They wouldn't listen, they were constantly out of control and just really tough to be around. So knowing those 2 kids, I can only imagine how horrible it is there. I don't know how FOB's GF's kid and nephew are.
I've also considered the emotional abuse from the GF too. That could very well be. I've never seen her really interact with K. But the problem with her is that she doesn't like me. She's very jealous and insecure. She likes to hurt or punish Kaisen to "get back at" me. She smokes around him constantly (she's not supposed to be according to the papers and K comes home smelling like smoke often). K came one a few weeks ago with really runny poops that gave him a bad rash. Regular milk is the only thing that does that to him. I asked FOB about it and of course he denied it. I've told him many many times about only giving K soy milk, but I'm sure he thinks I made it all up. It happened again another weekend, and last weekend FOB had him, K came home with diarrhea. I believe that had to do with drinking way too much juice, which is also what FOB likes to do. But since FOB's GF spends more time with Kaisen than FOB does, I would assume it's the GF that is giving K regular milk and juice, and could be doing it knowing that it would piss me off.
I know things are tough there, I just don't know what it could be to make K hate being there. And I don't know how I would ask, FOB always takes things so personally and he'd try and make me the bad guy. And I can't prove anything. I just get to sit here and watch it all.
Court papers say that FOB gets him every Wed night and every other weekend. As of right now, I don't think I have a chance to get that changed. FOB will never allow less time with K. I can't prove that the GF is giving K whole milk or smoking around him, I can't prove it if she is emotionally abusing him. I can't prove that they aren't taking proper care of him, so I don't think I would get very far. That's the sucky part. But, ya, Sandy, you're right. When he gets older he will be able to tell me, and I'm really looking forward to that day so I know if something is going wrong there.
K's Dr. is a self-centered idiot. I kept taking K to him when he was getting sick over and over and it was lasting for weeks at a time and the Dr. kept making excuses as to why K was sick. My sister and I both had asthma as young kids, so my mom knew the signs and symptoms of it. I ended up taking K to Convenient Care one night because he was having a difficult time breathing and my preggo dr./K's baby dr. was working that night and he diagnosed K with asthma. K's current Dr. still acts like he doesn't believe it. My best bet would be taking K to Convenient Care for every sickness after a visitation and asking for a note. I have definitely thought about it, but that past 3 weekend visitations have resulted in only runny poops and butt rashes, so I didn't take him in.
So there is so much crap that happened with FOB last week, but I won't get into all that. In the end FOB's GF had to go to the hospital Friday night, was induced and had the baby Saturday. So I was able to pick Kaisen up early.
FOB's baby was born 5 weeks early so I guess she is still in the hospital. FOB missed K's first Christmas program last night and text me saying he won't be getting K tonight because he'll be at the hospital. I understand wanting to be there for your GF and baby, but, just like I figured, he's putting this new baby over his other kids. I wonder if this is going to be a pattern or if it is because it's just the beginning. He hasn't seen K since Friday and won't see him till next Wednesday. He gets K next weekend, but I'm sure he'll cancel that because he'll have to work Christmas Eve and his GF can't watch a 5 yr old, 2 two year olds and a newborn all day. I'm happy to be able to spend more time with K, but some day he is going to adore his dad and if this is any indication of what the future is going to be like...? I'm not looking forward to the disappointment K will go through because of his loser father.