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Hello everyone, my name is Krysta and I guess I am about to become a single mommy of 2.
A little background on me: I was (am) married for 10 years, and my husband went to a lawyer yesterday and filed for divorce. This is not a schock to me, but it still feels like being punched. Quite honestly, our marraige hasn't really been a marraige for 5 or more years; we basically have been roommates. Once or twice a year we would have a blow-up where he would tell me he wants to split up and I would talk him into not splitting up because I couldn't bear the though of sharing our children. He says that he just can't do it anymore. Why? Well, I know there are two sides to every story, but honestly I feel like I really haven't done anything wrong. Our first main problem was that when my daughter was born, it was like he couldn't handle not being the center focus anymore. Then after re-connecting with some friends, he gradually started spending more and more time going out in the evenings/weekend nights while I stayed home. I was ok with that, since he said it made him happy since he is so "social" and I was MORE than happy to just be with my daughter. Anyway, we gradually drifted further and further apart, and quite honestly, I have not loved him for a long time, but I would continue to stay in the marraige because the thought of sharing my kids is overwhelming for me. They are the center focus of my life. I even said that to him, and he agrees that they are, and are only a part of his life. But he still wants to see them-alot. And selfishly, I HATE that. He has orally agreed to every other weekend and 1 weeknight a week, and I have said that if my daughter (8) wants to stay over that night, I am ok with that because he asked for this, and quite frankly, I am afraid that if I wouldn't concede that he would petition for addtional days. I feel like it is so touchy. I don't want to give him anymore that I have to, but at the same time want him to be satisfied so he doesn't file for more. If that makes sense. The other main problem I am having is that the house we live in is owned by his aunt, and so the kids and I have to be the ones to move out. I have a place to go, but I just hate that my daugher who is 8 will feel like she is leaving her home, only to go back there every other weekend and for visits. Plus, all of her bedroom furniture is mine from when I grew up, and I want to take it with me for my house. I just feel like the whole situation is so screwed up. My son is only 2, so he will not remember anything, but I am just overly worried about how my daughter will feel. And I am such a worrywart, I won't feel any peace until this custody agreement is signed and filed.
Selfishly, I just wish that he would gradually fade out of the picture, but although in my opinion he doesn't spend a whole lot of time with my children now, I kind of see this going the other way-he will realize that he misses them just being around so much that he will decide to try to modify the custody arrangement. I am just so stressed and nervous. I know custody is never set in stone, but I just feel like if we sign the initial arrangement how I want it, that is a moral victory for me.
Has anyone else here gone thru a similar situation? I guess I am looking for advice, guidance, suggestions, encouragement, anything you can offer me. I know in the long run I will end up much happier than I am now, but like I said before, I was willing to continue our "sham" simply for the sake of not sharing our children. I really dont have any animosity towards my soon to be ex right now, but if he is going to push custody issues I will end up hating him.
I wrote up the custody plan and he took it when he went to the attorney yesterday. The attorney said it was WAY to specific and that he had to generalize and simplify it or the court wouldn't look at-too complicated to figure out. I am (and I wrote this) willing to be very flexible as far as not saying it has to be a set night every week and open to other visits now and then and such, but I DO want to make sure that in no uncertain terms this arrangement sticks to the everyother weekend and 1 weeknight. The lawyer told him he cannot represent me too, but that we can handle everything thru him to save us money which is tight. I just want to be sure that before I sign anything, this lawyer will make any changes that I see the need for.
I know that was REALLY long, thank you if you made it this far. I am just desperate for someone to talk to. I don't really have many friend IRL that I keep up with on a regular basis, and more than anything right now I am in search of hearing from those that have been thru some thing like this to help me get thru it. As I said, I appreciate anything you have to offer!
I have and am kind of still going through something similar. My ex and I split in Feb of 2010, so almost 2 years now. My ex loves our son and does want to spend time with him, but he's a a selfish idiot and a horrible role model. I can honestly say that I do hate him and really wish that he would just fade away. He now has 4 other kids (3 older than K and another born 2 weeks ago) and lives with his GF who has a daughter of her own. So when K is with his dad, he doesn't actually spend time with his dad.
I know a lot of people would say that you should support the father/kid relationship and I do agree with that, but I honestly don't want Kaisen around his father or his father's GF. Those people can't stop for a second to think about anyone but themselves. It's never what's best for Kaisen, it's whatever they can do to piss me off. And or the past few weeks Kaisen had been randomly telling me "no see daddy". And when FOB picks him up, K screams and cries and does not want to go. That really makes it hard to leave K with his dad every time.
So trust me, I understand. Hopefully, regardless of what your custody arrangement turns out to be, you can do what is best for your kids. If they already have a good relationship with their dad and if he is a good dad, then I definitely wouldn't try to keep them from him. Even if my ex was the best dad and we got along great, I still wouldn't want to give him any extra time with Kaisen, but at that point, it might be the right thing to do.
Maybe once your STBX starts getting all this free time and not having the kids around, he'll start to enjoy the free time and not want to be bogged down by the kids any more than what he is. If he's been going out often already then I don't see why that would change when you move out.
Quite honestly, although I really hate Wednesday nights and every other weekends when K is gone, if I could choose between this current situation or another where K's dad is great with him, always puts him first, had common sense and actually tried to have a good relationship with me for K's sake BUT had 50/50 custody... I'd probably choose the second option. Only because I really want that for Kaisen. He's a boy and needs his dad. Right now he relies heavily on my dad for that man to boy bond because he does not get that from his father. And even though I secretly love that Kaisen wants nothing to do with his dad now, I hate when he tells me "no see daddy" and cries and screams with his dad picks him up. K has a lifetime of disappointments to go through when it comes to his dad, I just wish he could enjoy it now.
I hope things are figured out for you soon and it all goes smoothly! Keep us updated!
Hi Steph! Thank you for sharing your story. I really do hope that I can come around and truly want and support an active role in their lives by their dad because that is what is best for them, but I am having such a hard time seeing past my own feelings right now of that I just dont' want to be without them. Hopefully it won't take me too long to work thru this. Part of me wishes I could actually speed up time and just be out of the house and already into the 'sharing" just so I can get out of this awful anticipation/unknown phase. I know at least for a good long while I can keep myself busy when they are gone by working on cleaning out and fixing up my grandmothers house for us to live in.
I am sorry that your son is going thru a rough time like this with seeing his dad. I am kind of anticipating my son going thru the same issues. Maybe not so much with initially going to him, but after he is with him awhile, even now, he starts flipping out for mommy. Hopefully having my daughter there will ease things for him. Both my kids do have a great relationship with STBX right now, so I know they will be happy when they are with him at least. I am just never, ever away from them (well, except for work), so this will be a big change for both them and me.
I look forward to getting to you know better, I could really use a few ladies who understand what I am going thru to lean on.
Jakes dad is actually very lienient with visitation and did stay out of jakes life for almost 2 years but he came back. thats the one thing Ive learned is they are never truly out of their lives. they have the option to just come back and start where they left off. of course this gave jake horrible problems but that didn't matter. but see what the lawyer says and what the lawyer comes up with for court. goosd luck and welcome. oh yea lol I'm nickie and am in a relationship with someone whos not jakes dad but takes active interest in my son. jake is my 7 year old developmentally delayed son
Hi I am Traci . Mom to Brendan and he is 7 yrs old . I wish I could help you out in that situation with advice but Brendan dad is not around at all so I don't have to deal with that continous sharing because that would drive me nuts that is for sure.
Hi I'm Brandy mommy to Joe jr 10 and Emily Rosemarie 6 and pregnant with #3 I was married for over 10 years it would have been 11 years in Oct. but we split up im July for the last time 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again.
We split up the first time the day after fathers day 4 years ago. My daughter had just turned 2 and my son was 6 almost 7 and I can tell you right now that my son even being so young at the time was very happy and much more at peace when we left. We were split for over a year then got back together just to split again about a year later. We then got back together and that worked for about 2 months and I thought things were really going great then I found out that he was seeing a girl he had been seeing when we were split and he didn't want to give her up for our family apparently so I left I won't be second choice for any reason. Since the girl is long gone now he sees the kids alot and he still spends holidays with my family and hangs out with my uncles and cousin so we all see him alot.
I can tell you though that my son is much happier when we do not live with his dad. His dad is not abusive to the kids at all never has been but had been towards me and in front of my kids so that is why my son would rather be away from him. I have asked both my kids several times if they want me and thier dad back together and they both say no. They would rather us be apart and they are happier that way. So I'm sure it will be hard on your daughter but it will probably be easier for her then you think. I'm sure she can feel the tension in the house.
I hope all works out for you and your family whatever may happen.
I'm Emma (28), Mummy to two daughers - Gabrielle is 5 and Emersyn is 18mo... My situation is very different from yours -I was never married to the girls fathers (different fathers) and the relationships themselves were both pretty short, comparatively.
The one thing that I have found is the most important for the girls (the oldest in particular) is consistency... so they know they will see Dad every _ weeks, on the same day, same hours etc etc - it just helps them develop a sense of security as far as their father goes.. well that's how it is for ME anyway. I am not a huge fan of either of my exes, but I do want my girls to have relationships with them, and because of that I make it work.... even if i do grumble about it a lot!
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for sharing your situations and your advice! I think we are planning on telling my daughter tonight, so I hope she can work through this. I look forward to getting to know you all better
The beginning stages are tough so I send you a huge, huge hug. I am sorry that you are going through this.
My situation was and has been extremely tumultuous. I would caution you against using his attorney-- that seems risky to me. I would want someone who is working in your best interest to review paperwork, etc. I represented myself for 2.5 years in court and the paperwork is overwhelming-- I would be really careful but a lot of that depends on how honest your husband is as a person.
I don't think any of the ladies here can shame you for feeling that way. Although we all want what is best for our kids, we've all been there! And yes, it will get much easier for you. Keeping busy is definitely what helped me the first few visits. Glad you have something to do and if you need to, go out! Go catch a movie by yourself, go shopping (even window shopping), go to a coffee shop and read a book, anything.
For the first year, Kaisen was perfectly fine with going to his dad's. There were some Wednesday evenings where K would not want to come with me (I assume because that was only a 3 hour visit). But on Sundays, after a whole weekend visit, K came right to me. I'm not sure what has happened in between there to make K not want to be with his dad, but I have reason to believe there is no rules or structure or daddy/Kaisen time.
This past weekend was a tough one with my ex. It was his weekend. Per the court order, I am supposed to have Kaisen in town (I live 30 min out of town). We don't have a meeting place because he didn't want to set one up and he refuses to let me drop off/pick up K at his house. Friday night my ex text and wants me to drop K off where he's at, not because it's best for K, but to piss me off. I refuse, I tell him where we're at and tell him he can get K there. He's yelling, calling me names, and continually threatening to call the police (although he doesn't have a copy of the court order with him to prove anything, not to mention the fact that I'm well within my rights of the order) and eventually just picks up K from where we were at. He tells me that he will meet me at a gas station about 2 miles from my home instead of dropping K off at my house on Sunday. Little did he know, the court order says he is supposed to drop K off at my house after his visitations. Needless to say, Kaisen was at my house at noon on Sunday .
Anyway, just thought I'd give you a little humor. Hopefully you and your ex can work through any issues you encounter and make it work for your kids. No one expects you to be instant buddies, but civil would be the right word I guess. Good luck and again, keep us posted!!