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  #1  
March 12th, 2010, 10:30 AM
Super Mommy
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Last edited by Raynee; April 10th, 2010 at 08:37 AM.
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  #2  
March 12th, 2010, 03:00 PM
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I'm sure the ladies would love to offer their thoughts if you want to share what you've written!
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Jenn
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  #3  
March 12th, 2010, 03:37 PM
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Last edited by Raynee; April 7th, 2010 at 07:02 PM.
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  #4  
March 14th, 2010, 11:36 PM
bluebutterfly's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think you should leave the prologue in the story IMO; it was my favourite part. I definitely think you have something here if you want to keep going with it.

Good luck!
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  #5  
March 15th, 2010, 09:27 AM
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I agree. I like the prologue, too. This morning, I read your story again without the prologue and I prefer it with. I like knowing the background. I've been reading books lately that drag it out and only give background info in piecemeal. That drives me crazy b/c I want to understand why they are acting the way they are acting.

I don't think it's slow. I think you might feel this way b/c you've got this whole story wanting to come out of you and you just want to get it out.

The only other thing I can add is that I was a little bit confused in a couple of parts of who you were referring to. I just had to read the sentences a couple of times to figure who you were talking about.

Good luck!

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  #6  
March 15th, 2010, 09:48 AM
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Okay, I would say get rid of the prologue, for sure. On Twitter a couple of weeks ago, there as an "ask an agent" chat, and someone asked about prologues. One of the agents said the best way to write a prologue is to write it, print it out, burn it and then start the story. That's been the sentiment I've been seeing a lot lately. Agents have even been rejecting as soon as they see there's a prologue. You should be able to weave the back story in without relying on that crutch.

Which brings me to back story... that's about 98 percent of what you have so far, right? The only new information we get is that Jess' mother has been admitted onto Beth's floor. That would be a great opening for your story--Beth seeing Jess' mother come in. There's no need to tell the reader everything right upfront. Have you heard the phrase, "show don't tell"? That's what you need to work on with this. You can show a lot just with the tension of having Myra being admitted.

I hope that helped. I wasn't sure of how deep a critique you wanted. The writing is good; the story just needs to be stripped down so that each sentence is moving the story forward rather than backward.
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  #7  
March 15th, 2010, 03:27 PM
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Last edited by Raynee; April 7th, 2010 at 07:02 PM.
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  #8  
March 16th, 2010, 03:55 PM
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If you need a critique partner, I'm available
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