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Not sure how often I'll be posting in this forum, but I'll introduce myself before I vent
You can call me Kiwi (it's a nickname i've had since I was about 10) and I'm 18.
My daughter Ashlynn is 7 weeks old.
I'm a single mommy and we have no contact, nor do we plan on having contact, with her father.
Here's my rant..
I am pretty much a walking disorder..
I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 10. In 5th grade I had a panic attack due to something I can't honestly remember, and hid under a table for nearly an hour.. When the counselor got me to the principals office, my mom and a police officer were there.. I began to scream about wanting to be dead..
Needless to say, I was diagnosed with a mild form of depression. At about 13, I began a round of self-harm and not taking care of myself (showering, brushing my hair..) and was diagnosed with a more severe form of depression.
After some counseling 2-3 years ago, I was formally diagnosed with Depression as well as Anxiety (social and generalized), OCD, Sensory Processing disorder (Tactile-meaning I can't bear to touch certain things like clay, mud, etc. and crave certain things like silky blankets- and Auditory- meaning my ears are sensitive to certain sounds like the vacuum),as well as a possible ADD (though some doctors say I have it, some do not)
I had/have undiagnosed Anorexia, but have been doing VERY well since last may.
I have been on multiple medications..
Strattera(sp?) when I was 12. I went from 85lbs to 67 and took myself off it, even though my mother threatened to make me take it... I was too thin and always felt VERY sick!
Prozac when I was 16-17. Best medication so far. My depression was nearly gone. I had to stop taking it when I got pregnant, and since I'm BF'ing, I'm still off it.
Ativan- amazing anxiety medication. My dr. gave me too low of a dose, so it didn't help (.5mg) so I had to take 2-3 to be able to stand situations that triggered panic attacks.. They took me off of it when they found out as opposed to realizing that the dose was too low.
I can't remember the others, though..
I've been doing wonderfully since stopping the Prozac, though I had some depression relapses often while pregnant, they've been happening less lately (I 'blame' the happiness from my daughter!)
I had never intended on getting pregnant, however, for fear of passing on the family's genetic problems..
Anxiety is a big one..as well as depression, bipolar, and ADD.
I'm terrified my daughter will go through the same things I did.
Her father confided in me that he had ADD, so her chances of getting that may be a bit high..
It's a constant worry I have that she will develop these problems and have them interfere with how well she succeeds in life. I know that my anxiety and depression caused me to fail many classes.
I could not speak in class, so teachers gave me low grades on presentations and class participation, as well as threw me out of class for not reading out loud..
And when I hit a depression, my grades would go from 90-100s to 40-60s within weeks.. I could never find the energy or desire to do much of anything..
Alright..thats my rant..
I'll most likely lurk more than I post, but I'll try to be at least somewhat active here!
I'm sure it'll help when i'm feeling low!
Kailey(22) Cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, extended RF'ing, slightly crazy mommy to Ashlynn Heather (4 1/2 * 1/28/10) and Matthew Toryn (2 * 6/20/12) and loving wife to Dylan (2/28/14)
Hi Kiwi! Welcome! It does seem like you've got a lot on your plate but it seems as though many of us do. I'm sure that you are so committed to your daughter-- I can definitely sense the love-- even if she does develop mental issues, you have the experience to help her through them! I'm glad you are still feeling OK off of the Prozac and that your daughter makes you so happy! Please stay and help us all cope!
Hey Kiwi, welcome to the board. It's a slow board, so it'd be great if you posted!! I'd love to have this board a little more active, because there are times when I really need it.
I also have major depressive disorder, OCD, anxiety (generalized & social). And like you, I am worried about passing on mental illnesses to my son. They run in my family and his father's family. Both of our families have Bipolar, ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety in them... sooo. It worries me too!!! But I know it's also completely out of my control, and it's not going to be my fault if he DOES happen to have a mental illness.
Plus, like Michelle said, we'll have some experience and we won't be going through it in the dark. Like when my sister was first diagnosed with ADD (idk, 15 years ago maybe), I remember my mother crying for days, because she had no idea what it was, how it was giong to affect my sister, etc. So at least we will have the knowledge and we won't freak out like my mom did, lol.
Oh, and my sister is also bipolar, and she just had a son. So I'm sure she's pretty worried too. But we really can't dwell on it, you know? Because there's also a good chance that our children won't inherit any of our illnesses!! So try not to stress too much.
it's when I read posts like yours that I feel wonderful ... you've been through so much and from such a young age and you are doing well you really are!
Thanks for sharing with us ... I'd like to suggest that you rename your post from 'rant' to 'a story of inspiration' cause I honestly felt good reading how you have pulled through and still trying ... WONDERFUL proud of you.
xxx Lisa xxx
xxx Lisa xxx<div align="center">