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Introduction...so glad I found this group


Forum: Mental Health

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  #1  
May 5th, 2010, 07:19 PM
KennasMama's Avatar Loving my baby girl!
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 1,860
Wow, I didn't even know this group existed. I am so thankful that I found you all and am sure that you can help me immensely as I am just starting out on my journey of depression, well at least finaly going to talk to doc. about it. I just wrote a big long discussion topic in my DDC private forum, so I will just copy and paste my story here. But to start...

My name is Jessica I am 23 (almost 24) married for 2.5 years to my wonderful husband Nick (27) and we are currently expecting our first little bundle. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and am elated about finally getting to have a baby. We waited until everything was right so we could do it the "right" way. Waited until I finished school, waited until we were married, etc. As my story will tell, I have struggled with minor (self-diagnosed) depression for the last couple of years. Depression runs in my family and my mother in particular has anxiety and depression. I have always been too embarassed to see a doctor about it, but being pregnant really worries me that i will never be able to get it under control on my own. Pregnancy has really made it a lot worse.

(x-posted)
It's taken me a lot of courage to not only admit this to myself, but also to be able to talk to you girls about it. I have yet to talk to anyone but my hubby about it and we both agreed that it might do me some good to ask about it on here and see if anyone else has gone/is going through the same thing.

Here goes...I am depressed. Not just a bad day once in awhile, but more often than not I have bad days. It really hit me on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, hubby and I were spending all day together running errands and going out to lunch, etc. I was curled up in the fetal position in his truck crying. I couldn't stop. I didn't know why I was crying, but I couldn't control it or the overwhelming sense of saddness and despair that I felt. The worst part is that when I am having those days, I feel no emotional connection to or about baby, I feel completely numb to the whole situation. What kind of person can feel that way?!? It makes me so mad. Then, when I have my good days (which in all reality are when I am my complete normal self, but they have become known as a "good" day) I am so in love with baby. I am thrilled and anxious and excited and all those happy feeling a first-time mom who's waited all her life for this should be. I look at my bad days and can't imagine not feeling so elated about it. It just not fair...not fair to me, or my hubby, or baby Bean. I feel like Bean is sitting in there heartbroken because it thinks that it's mom doesn't love it. I can sit and tell myself I'm being ridiculous, that I have nothing to be so down about, that I just need to turn it around and be happy...but I can't. There is nothing I can do to control it and that is what is so frustrating about it.

For the past coupld of years I have suffered from depression, though I have never seen a doctor about it. As silly as this sounds, I am really embarassed about it. It's embarassing to me to have to think that I can't even control how I feel anymore. Back then I would have maybe 2 or 3 bad days a month, but I could always kind of turn it around and feel better on the weekends or while doing fun things. I really think pregnancy has just exasperated the problem. Like I said, I know have more bad days than good. What I most fear is that this could lead to post-partum and if that were the case I don't know what I would do. I couldn't imagine having this perfect little being that me and my husband created and feeling some sort of resentment towards it or not feeling much of anything towards it. I would be devestated.

I was one of the lucky ones who never got morning sickness/nausea, has felt great through this entire pregnancy so far and everyone always tells me, oh you're so luck, you were made to have babies, I wish I was you when I was pregnant, etc. I smile and agree that it's been great, but on the inside I want to break down. I think this depression thing is my major pregnancy symptom. And let me tell you, I would have much rather been puking for months straight than to feel like this.

I plan on talking to my doctor about it at our next appt. on the 17th and I'm hoping he can help me somehow. Like I said, I just feel really embarassed about the whole thing. I was wondering if anybody else has had this problme before with their past pregnancies, or are experiencing it now and have talked to their docs. It would be great to know that I'm not alone in this. Thanks for listening, sorry it was so long.

Seeing as though most of you in this group have had/have similar problems, would you care to tell me your story? How you went about diagnosis, pregnancy with depression, after birth (PPD), etc. Thank you so much. Anxious to get to know you.
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  #2  
May 6th, 2010, 05:30 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In the Wild and Wonderful
Posts: 4,844
Hello. I'm glad that you found this board too. I had the same problem when I was pregnant. And I was embarrassed to talk about it. I never did talk to my DR about it and it lead to what I know was PPD and I never said anything about that either. Now that I have talked to my DR about it and gotten the help that I need I feel so much better. A lot of times the pregnancy hormones can make your depression worse and if you are feeling the way you are you may want to talk to your DR about a medication. I know that it's not the ideal situation but in your case it might do you more good. You can look at this thread to see what kind of medications are safe during pregnancy and BFing if you are planning on that. http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f6...pregnancy.html (Drugs & Pregnancy)

I hope you stick around and that we can help you get through your bad days and that you have more good days very soon!
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  #3  
May 6th, 2010, 04:53 PM
KennasMama's Avatar Loving my baby girl!
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: OR
Posts: 1,860
Thanks, Elizabeth! It's nice to finally talk to someone who has actually been in the same boat. Everyone else is very sympathetic and supportive, but don't quite know what I'm going through. I am indeed going to talk to my doctor about it, and have hubby standing in if I chicken out. I really want it under control sooner than later.
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  #4  
May 8th, 2010, 03:16 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,619
Jessica, welcome to the Mental Health board

I'm Emma (26), single mummy to Gabrielle (3 1/2) & 33w pregnant with Emersyn... I have suffered from depression & anxiety since 2002 (the depression came first & anxiety started a couple of years later).

I would definately talk to your doctor at your next appointment - I know it is scary to think of doing so - I know it took me AGES to actually open up to a professional, but once i had, I was SO relieved..
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