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So....my therapist tells me to just "stop" or to "change the channel." For years I struggles with compulsions but since I have gotten out of the hospital for Anorexia...8 yrs ago (OCD triggered my Anorexia)..I have not been compulsive; rather obsessive. I am NEVER without an obsession..it's always one worry or another....I have "this" disease or "that" disease................my OCD is a parasite....and even though I recognize much of the time that it is "my ocd talking" and not "me"......it still doesn't change my anxiety.
Obsesions, to me, are harder...because I can't refrain from thinking..it just happens. Right now my obsession, which I've posted about of course, it about my dd loving my mom more than me. She wants to be with her when she's around. I know IN MY HEART AND RIGHTFUL MIND..this is not so...however, my checking happens when I "test" her...I know so bad, by forcing myself to get ogether with my mom to see what happens. This spirals more obsesing and I feel like I can't stop. I can't stop the obsessing and or the visiting with her purely to see what happens. I feel terrible about this.
The truth is, I am a very happy person...I LOVE MY LIFE, my family..and everything in it. I almost think that my OCD senses my contentness and panics...it then has to find something to taint my life with.
I am on medication and believe it or not, would be worse if I wasn't. I am no longer compulsive but have found my obsessions, intrusive thoughts etc, to be more difficult for me because I cannot do anything to prevent them from popping back into my head. Yes, I can control how I react to them..but the minute I say "stop" or "change the channel".....a second later....they are back! THE UNWANTED FRIEND!
=0(...I really do love my life and feel sooo blessed, why won't my ocd leave me alone?
Big Hugs to you. While I don't deal with OCD I know that the obsessions can be horrible. I used to obsess about my body image. But One day something clicked and I was like....I'm happy and my husband thinks I'm the sexiest woman in the world...who else Matters? Just know that your DD loves you no matter what and she also loves your Mom no matter what. When she gets older there will inevitably be times she says she hates you wants to live with Grandma/ Daddy/ Her great aunt that gave her that candy bar. But you just have to remember that she doesn't mean any of it and you are and always will be her mommy and the most important person in her life. After all she wouldn't be here at all with out you. I know it seems hard but you just need to step back and take a big deep breath. And just know we are here to offer support. You can vent scream and cry to us anytime you need to.
Me: B 28
DF: S 29
DD: A 6 Autism, Global Developmental Delays
Im so sorry you feel this way... ive been feeling very obsessive as well for quite some time... and my thoughts are with you that you can get over this.. I am seeing my dr about seeing someone to talk to about what im going through... and it seems i am going through something very similar in ways. My obsessions always revolve around mine and my loved ones health, and anything that makes me feel guilty in any way, or doubt sometimes if im crazy or not... its taking away from my life. I look back at when my son was jus a few mo old, and how much i obsessed about his lymph nodes being something far more srs when they were perfectly normal, and i wasted that precious time just worrying.. and it makes me feel guilty and sad =( and i dont wanna waste another minute obsessing.. life is so short.
thanks everyone..haylee and nevin's mom....my obsessions revolve around guilt too..and health stuff constantly!! Believe it or not...the grandma obsession has pssed. (which I never thought it would) But..this is proof that maybe obsesions really are irrational and will come and go. Though, when they are here...they are soo painful. If I'm not worrying about me having one cancer or the next, then I worry about a loved one having it. I am constantly calling and "checking" with doctors.
Right now the new obsession is that I have becom infertile and if I do conceive, I will mc. I conceived my dd on the first try but had some mild spotting. They don't know why but I went on to to havea healthy preg. (while on meds too) I did have low prog in the beginning so I took a supplement. Most recently dh and I decided to conceive again. (he has two kids from a previous marriage, and one with me) He really wanted a boy and bc i was sooo willing to do anything to have another baby...I found this pioneer in reproductive medicine who did sperm sorting. (basically sorts x from y sperm).....we were going to go through with it up until the very day. Prior to the day...I had to go into the city to see if i had a mature egg and or an lh surge. He detected both which meant I would ovulate soon and wanted me to come back in the am. (he would have to sort the sperm with a machine method and then reinsert the sperm through IUI) To make SURE i ovulated he game me an hcg shot that Monday (the day before I was to go in)...this is alot of times used in fertility treatments. He also said that bc i had some spotting with my dd...that taking a secong shot of HCG 7 days later would help in case I had conceived. Welll...the day came and dh and I couldn't do it. It was too stressful and I believed all along that any healthy baby is a blessing; girl or boy. Well...I got my period that month...did not conceive. During the 2ww i experienced a lot of abdominal pressure and didnt know if it was pregnancy or a bladder infection. It was neither. When i found out I had not conceived on the first time like I did with my dd...my brain DID THE SCAN...for why. Was I infertile? Did my body change after having a baby? I have always had regular periods. I was on BCP for 6 months, stopped recently..and got my period right on time and have gotten it on time two months in a row. I have also O mid month, both months. Right now I am just obsessing that either my cervical mucus is infertile, or some other cause of infertility. Some people on this board who actually need fertility treatments have told me that if you don't really need them and get them (which I did just because of what we were going to do)...that it can actually hinder conception and implantion bc the HCG shot can make the lining too thick. A week before my epriod when I was experiencing the pressure i had my dad to a sono (hes a tech)..he said my lining looked very thick...like i was just about to get ym period...but I wasn't due for a week!
I'm hoping and stressing nothing is wrong with me. I am sure I am driving everyone nuts on these boards with my constant worries...but sometimes they are so strong and I can't resist the urge to check.
I know how painful they can be...but I also know that there have been times in my life where they were not as bad. I think that the fact that you are seeking help is wonderful and I bet you will find relief. There is so much they can do for us now. In the meantime..feel free to check or obsess with me...I GET IT ALL....ALL to well....
I hope you feel better! I always tell my dh that i hate my ocd because i have such a beautiful life and i shoudl be able to enjoy it.