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Hey. I was on JM in the very start of my pregnancy, but I've been gone since August. So here I am, and I need to let this out.
I am a recovering anorexic and self harmer. My eating disorder was on and off, so while it's been difficult I've gotten through it. However, my self harm was nearly everyday for 4 or 5 years. Sometimes I did it three times a day during my rough patches. I had been kinda quitting before becoming pregnant. I relapsed every few weeks for four months.
I feel awful. I feel ashamed and silent. The secrets inside of me make it harder to keep myself under control. I've self harmed during my pregnancy. Never bad. I always made sure it was only small. Only once was it more than a scratch. My boyfriend (Rebecca's dad) knows I did it the one time. I told him.
BUT...I "scratched" my skin somewhere between 2 to 5 times in the first trimester. And I also hit myself on the leg and left a bruise.
I've been good about not doing it over the past month or two. But I'm hitting my point like I do in every recovery where I just get in the rut and can't pull myself out. No matter how good of a day I'm having, I'm urging to hurt myself. I always think of how I've put my daughter in danger by self harming, even if it was a small amount. I can't forgive myself for not telling my boyfriend. But I'm afraid to speak out. I'm so afraid of the baby being taken away from me. I'm trying to remind myself that I've only got 22 weeks left. But it's so difficult.
Im sorry you are going through this... i can not relate to the self harming, because ive never done that... but do you know exactly what it is that is eating you up inside enough for you to do this to yourself? Have you thought of writing a journal, and maybe even talking to a professional? You dont have to tell them everything, but just start off letting out some of the things that are really bothering you. I think you should seek help for yourself, so you can work towards becoming better, and not worse. I know that many moms are afraid to tell their deep thoughts, and fears as a result of losing their kids, or going away to some crazy place... but believe me, this will not happen... obv whatever is going on inside you, you know is something that needs attn... and you dont want to be this way anymore. plz hang in there, and try and speak out to someone.
Last edited by HailandNevansmom; October 24th, 2010 at 11:01 AM.
i wanted to stop by and say that i've been a selfharmer.
It's so hard. And it's even harder to explain to people and find an understanding mind. It's confusing to alot of people and scary to others. I know how you feel.
And pregnancy was one of the REALLY bad times for me.
PLEASE talk to someone!! if you have no one close you want to talk to, and would like you can pm me and i'll get you yahoo id to chat.
__________________ Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean
I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
I'm just lurking, but I wanted to add some input..
I have been a self-harmer since I was 13 years old, and I'm now nearly 19.
At some points, it was a few times daily, and I still have to live with hundreds of scars.
The most important thing is to distract yourself.
When you are upset, try taking a walk, reading, listening to music, drawing..
I used to collect safety pins, but that is also because I did not find them suitable to self-harm with. I was very picky. When I was upset, I would organize them (I also have OCD)
Call or text someone, even if you don't say "I'm upset, I want to hurt myself", just talking can keep it off your mind until you no longer want to do it.
Talk to your baby, tell them how much you love them and that mommy is going to get better for them. Tell them your fears. At this point, your baby cannot understand you and it is a good way to vent.
To this day, I still struggle with self harm, but having my daughter as something to live for..and really live.. helps me.
I'm not saying I don't do it sometimes.. but I don't do it daily, and usually not even weekly. Sometimes not even monthly!
It's rough, and I understand, trust me.
If you want to talk, feel free to drop me a PM any time.
I'm on a few times daily.
Keep your head up, Mama!
ETA, sorry for the bumping. Didn't realize how old this was.
Hopefully it still serves a purpose of providing some help and support.
Kailey(21) Cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, extended RF'ing, slightly crazy mommy to Ashlynn (3 1/2 * 1/28/10) and Matthew (13 months * 6/20/12)