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I don't know what to do


Forum: Mental Health

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  #1  
March 2nd, 2011, 04:23 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Hello everyone. I am new to this board and any board actually. I haven't really reached out for help before, but I need to now, as I feel so awful right now, I am unsure of what to do. So.. where to start?

I guess I'll do the short version.

I am 32 yrs old, have 2 boys, ages 3 and 1, and have a very closed off relationship with my mother and I am an only child. All of my friends are single with no children and I am very much alone in this motherhood thing. After 32 yrs I finally really wanted to open up to my mother about what has been going on with me for a while. Throughout my life I have had bouts of depression and I have become tired of not only the depression, but keeping up this "perfect" thing I have going.

I am a very passive person and decided the best way for me to open up to my mom was through an email, trying to explain myself. Trying to explain my shortcomings, my feelings, my life basically. I wanted to open up a line of communication with the most prevalent female in my life, and one with whom I should trust the most.

I was greeted by my mom 1 hour after I sent the email. She barged in my house and initially I greeted her quick response as a relief. I cried, I tried to explain in words how I was not doing well and then she hopped on my laptop???? weird right. She sat in silence and I cleaned up my house... not knowing what the correct thing to do was.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to have me committed to a crisis center immediately and that if I didn't agree she was going to call 911 and have me forcibly removed from my home and taken away from my children. At that moment, I felt so hopeless, even more than I felt ever before. I felt like a cornered animal, and as any animal would respond, and for the first time in my life, yelled back. I told her that I was not going to be committed to a crisis center and that if she pursued these warfare tactics, she would regret it and I would never speak to her again and that I would never... EVER allow her to see her grandchildren again.

How could I be so wrong? How could I have something blow up in my face so badly, when all I was trying to do was ask my mom for help.

I feel more alone than ever.. and I now know that I am totally alone. I was unable to speak to the one person who should understand what I needed.

Thank goodness my husband showed up.. he knows me and loves me and our children. I passed the email by him first and he agreed that it read like I wanted to open a path of communication.. not a suicidal message or anything like that.

I feel like my relationship is ruined with my mother. I know it was never really strong, at least on my end.. but now I feel it is lost.

So not only am I dealing with all of my original uncertainties, my mother's disproportional response had left me more weary.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
March 3rd, 2011, 08:19 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 784
It sounds like your mom was not, and maybe will not ever be ready for you to be open and honest with her about your life. It doesn't sound like she can handle emotional situations well but she is concerned and cares. Currently you are very isolated and that always makes my depression worse. I would really suggest sign up for kindermusic, Story hour at your local library, any type of mommy and me, or preschool play groups so you can find mommy friends. Try to find a mommy's night out group. You may want to a gym as exercise is a great way to relieve stress and frustration. You unfortunately have to build your own support network. I know it's frustrating not to have family support but if you can find time to make a support group it does help.
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  #3  
March 10th, 2011, 10:50 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: London England
Posts: 553
Moms - They can be our best friend or our worst enemy.

I had a very off/on relationship with my mother. She felt that because of my MH issues, I was not fit to parent my children, make choices for my own life, etc.

Yet when she went through her MH issues, I always had to care for her.

Worst part - she worked in Mental Health. From ED of distress Centers, to Crisis work, both phone and mobile, plus her own client list of patients, etc.

I have had the attempts on removing my children, trying to place them for adoption, trying to file for custody herself. It was so bad at times, that our local child services office had 3 workers tell me to cut of my mom and never see her again. Don't even tell her where I live.

At the end of 2007, my mother's cancer came back. She as given maybe 2 years. I had not been speaking to her for most of 2007. I finally had to tell her that my choices were mine. That when I tell her things I am looking for support, not a fix it job. Not a fight. Not lecture. I don't want it to be held against me in the future. Not to be judged, etc.

I was called by my brother, and we had a family meeting. She didn't want to die without fixing our relationship. I spent all of 2008 making her last year, her best year. I spent 2009 from Jan - May being her personal care giver until she died. No one else in the family could do it. I even moved into her house at the end to be there 24/7.

The woman who didn't trust me to care for my own children a few years ago was now putting her life in my hands.

My point - always leave the door open but with boundaries. That is the key. This is of course if you want to. The other thing you have to remember is that there are just some things that she is not going to change and you have to decide for yourself if that is something you can handle.

I don't think she will ever be the "mother" you want, but she is the mother you have. You need to decide if you can live and accept that.

That doesn't mean that you can't get what you are looking for from your mother from another source. As suggested above, you need to set up your our support system. A network of doctors, friends, support groups, counselors, etc. Support groups are great because just like here, you can talk with people who know what you are going through.

When looking for a group, make sure you find one that is organized and facilitated well. Some groups are just over-sized live chat rooms and social event. They don't work. You want one that will be supportive, challenge you in thought pattern changes and "homework" things to work on to better yourself and your depression.

One thing you never have to do - is keep up the facade. You don't need to pretend that everything is okay to keep the "perfect" life. That only works against you. Just like eating one meal a day can make you gain weight and eating more times a day helps you lose - trying to be or look perfect will lead to more disappointment and add fuel to the depression.

Sorry for the long post, but as you can tell - I know what you are talking about. GL
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  #4  
March 11th, 2011, 03:39 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you for your post. I have decided to go see a therapist and have had my 2nd appointment this week. I have also decided to try some medication to help ease the depression... at least for now. I'm not sure where the relationship with my mother will go, but I am certain that if I don't fix myself first for my children and husband, that things will never get better. It's actually amazing how for the first time in my life, I am more concerned about something else other than my mother's opinion. Just that realization has made a world of difference for me. My happiness must come first, my children and husband must come first...not the opinions of a judgemental mother.

So wish me luck on this new journey! This is a new territory for me and I have hope for myself.
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  #5  
March 14th, 2011, 06:20 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: London England
Posts: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by msmommyof2 View Post
Thank you for your post. I have decided to go see a therapist and have had my 2nd appointment this week. I have also decided to try some medication to help ease the depression... at least for now. I'm not sure where the relationship with my mother will go, but I am certain that if I don't fix myself first for my children and husband, that things will never get better. It's actually amazing how for the first time in my life, I am more concerned about something else other than my mother's opinion. Just that realization has made a world of difference for me. My happiness must come first, my children and husband must come first...not the opinions of a judgemental mother.

So wish me luck on this new journey! This is a new territory for me and I have hope for myself.

That is the start and will make all the difference in the world.

Another word of advice if you don't mind. There are going to be times where you are going to flip flop. It is very natural. When you start to feel like that, thinking about what your mother would say, or how she would feel - come back here and read this thread. Or make yourself a little letter to yourself for that time. Tell/Remind yourself that this is your life. The life of your children and your husband like you said, and these is NOTHING wrong with you or the choices that you decide to make. Your joys are yours because you earned them. Even if you make mistakes, they are yours to make and learn from. No one can take that from you.

The order:

YOU - always first. When you are not healthy, you are useless.
Kids - I put these guys first because.... well because they are my kids
Hubby - a very close second. Just slightly behind the kids

Your mother can be on this list {only IF you want}, but she can be at the very bottom under friends, house, job, etc. She can be 4th if you, want, but NO BODY goes in the top 3 or tries to disrupt either.

I may not know you, but I know what you are feeling, the hard but rewarding road you are about to walk down and the struggle you have already faced. I am very happy and proud to read that you have taken these steps.

Prayers for you and yours. Please keep us updated. GL
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