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On march 15th 2011 I lost my best friend of over 10 years to suicide. He was 24years old and struggled with addiction and depression. He was the most intellegent person i have ever met and he had a way of making the world around him smile. He brought so much joy to everyone around him but never talked about the battles that was going on in his head. He watched me struggle through addiction and abuse at home as a teenager and there were many times he picked me off the floor and drug me kicking and screaming to school. If I had a biggest fan in my life it was him. We use to joke as kids that if neither of us where married with children by 40 that we would get married. I always saw him being the godfather to my children and always being in my life.
We found his body on March 17 and i just couldn't even breathe. I drove myself to a mental health facility and voluntarily checked myself in. Over the past year i had survived an incredibly abusive relationship and then i lost my best friend. I had no reason to die but no reason at that point to live either. While in the hospital i met with a therapist specializing in co- dependent relationships and it was the best thing ever for giving me the hope that I could have a real relationship with another being without it going down the dangerous path it did. I found closure in that. However this particular facility and facilities in our area do not have a grief program, when i inquired about it they said in order to be a councilor not only do you need a degree but you also need life experience. Not to many people in the world have the life experience that you do.
I was given Celexa and Zanax while in the hospital and I continued it when i was out. I buried my life in my chemistry book to just ignore the world but people knew. In a university of 10,000 people, students were watching me. People knew who i was and what i just went through. It made the feelings all the worse. People feel like they should say something, anything, but in truth there is nothing that can be said. People feel better by talking about it, at the time i was not one of those people. I lied that i had meetings to go to ALOT. The only person that i could stand to be around was my boyfriend Corey. I spent more time at his place than mine because I just didn't feel safe at home or even by myself.
On April 2nd I realized that i may be late but due to stress and the medication I assumed it was normal. However a person with an EMT background thinks its better to be safe than sorry. I took a test and all of a sudden a miracle was thrown into my uterus. Corey had a double hernia and I cant conceive without help. The doctor confirmed the pregnancy and the conception date of March 15th.
Once i found out i stopped taking the medicine, and i now have that reason to live that i didn't have before. I still don't feel like myself and most people say its due to the pregnancy but i really don't believe that. How can you really tell the difference. I still have my good and bad days. Its just immense sadness some days. Other days its rainbows and butterflies. So how do you really tell if you are still having a mental health issue or your hormonal?
I have absolutely no doubt that this baby is the best thing in my life and It could not have been at a better time. The baby has brought Corey and I so close together and both bring me so much joy. We are planning on getting married soon and starting our family together on the right track. I have to say im very blessed to have the support in my life that I do, but yet i still feel like a little dark cloud follows me around.
Wow hun I am sorry you went through all that. I can't say I know how it feels because I don't but I do know what it is like to go to a mental facility. And while I was pregnant with my son I was depressed it wasnt until I was back on my meds that I was doing better. Congratulations on being pregnant and if you ever want to just talk we are all here for you.
I am sorry for your loss. I a also a survivor of suicide. I found my mom's body when I was 13.
As a result I have suffered from depression all of my adult life and most of my teens years too.
Pregnancy will make you emotionally up and down just like some forms of depression. My advice would be that if you seem to be having days on end of sadness without reprieve, talk to your doctor about it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope things are well with you.
If you ever want to talk, pls msg me.