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I will try to keep this as short as possible.
I have had depression ever since I was a child. Did not see therapist or doctor until 15.
I have been on so many different meds I forget all the names.
More rescently- I got divorced last year and "cameout" that I am gay.
I have been with my current partner for almost a year and we moved in together this fall.
I moved to her place which was an hour drive from my work. I was hating the drive and found another job in her town. For stupid reasons I was fired from that job. So here I am new to town, no job, appealing a denial from Unemployment, so I have no money. I am trying to cash out a 104K from my old job to get some money. I am also thinking of going back to college since my job was pretty limitted in advancement and paid low anyways. I worked in the medical filed, not a nurse.
I have been out of work for a month and riding the unemployment rollercoster. I have a denial appeals hearing next week.
Before the divorce I was depressed and unhappy but at least I was financially stable.
I thry not to be materialistic but I feel so scared not having money and having bills to pay.
I try talking to my partner but her mom was rescently diagnosed with cancer so she has her own stressers right now.
I can't see my doctor or councilor since I have no insurence. My mom is helping me pay for my meds, so I am at least able to continue those.
I am just so overwhelmed and sad and stressed. I have panic attacks frequently and take Ativan to controle them.
Other than one time when I was completely off meds, this is the lowest I have felt ever.
I have never thaught about hurting myself or suicide, until rescently. I would never actuallly commit suicide. My step brother committed suicide 6 years ago and I could never do that to my family.
But I get so down and negative and feeling trapped that I just want to curl up and sleep and not wake up.
I think I just needed a place to vent and to know that other people go through this too.
First. Big hugs to you. You sound like you need them. I'm so glad that your mom is there for you, she sounds fantastic.
I know just what you mean. I have been in that spot myself, almost exactly the same. Except I'm straight.
I have major depressive disorder. I have always had depression ups and downs. I have been on and off meds many times. My latest is effexor for the last four years. I also didn't start on meds until I was about 20, or get counseling. I always refer to it as being pulled into the black pit. When I am sliding toward my down, it's what I feel like. Trying to claw my way back out of it. I also have anxiety attacks.
After I moved in with my now husband, I was laid off. I just laid there every day feeling low, and feeling like i was contributing nothing, feeling like I was ruining my kids lives by just being me.
You have to want a change. Since you are here and looking, that's the first. Good for you!
You have to have a reason to get moving. I couldn't even get out of bed. I would put my kids on the bus and lay back down till they came home. NOTHING made me happy or made me want to do anything.
I was medicating myself with whatever pills I could find.
My husband was devastated watching me. He did something shocking and amazing , that made all the difference. He got a sweet little chocolate lab puppy. lol who would have guessed that that little puppy would be the answer?
I named her Joy. Because she is. I had to get up. I had to take her outside every couple hours. Take her for walks. Feed her and play with her. Joy KNEW I was worth it, and adored me unconditionally.
This gave me the push I really needed.
After I got Joy, I went back to my dr and had a med change. I started getting more active and thinking of things to do with the kids, their school, etc. I started applying more and looking for job opportunities.
Now Joy is four and she is still my best friend. We have a bond like no other.
I'm not saying this is what you should do. Or what everyone should do.
But the basic idea is the same. You need a big push. Something to be excited about, something to pick you up enough to move toward the help you need. A positive change.
Talk with your mom. Talk with your lady. If she had you move in, she is definitely committed to you. Even though her mom is sick, you still matter to her. She will want you to be happy too. And you being happy would help you support her right back. I'm sure one of the special ladies in your life would have ideas, and want to help you move in the right direction.
Also, please call your local mental health board and women's center. They usually have sliding scale or free counseling available. You definitely need it.
More big hugs. I really hope you get the help you need.
Hope I helped!
__________________ Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean
I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
This is actually kind of funny to hear.
When I was married we had three dogs that were the loves of my life. One dog was very old and got sick as soon as I moved out. We had to have him put down.
The other two dogs were with my ex. I couldn't take them in the apartment I was living in but would go see them sometimes. They were "acting out" and pottying in the house and tearing up the exes new girlfriends stuff ( good girls I know).So he sold them.
It has been a year now and I still miss them like crazy. I even did some searching to try to find them but no luck.
I really want to get a dog but now live in a second floor apartment and have no money for vet or supplies.
I have been unofficially diagnosed Aspergers and always struggled with social interaction, but with animals I just connect and love.
I have one more month of no insurence and in January my partners insurence will cover me. We signed a legal partnership so I could be covered, gay marriage is not legal in our state.
I am also going to be taking two college classes starting in January. So I am excited and nervous about that.
I have also been feeling sad. We were wanting to try TTC via donor soon, but with the lay off we are waiting until I either get a new job or finish the new college program. I have been so excited to have a family move forward with our family. I am 30 so I know I have time but my partner is 37 so I feel like I am robbing her fo her chance to be pregnant and have a biological child.
Sorry for so long a post but it feels good to write it all out and vent.