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TTC with mood disorder?


Forum: Mental Health

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  #1  
February 20th, 2007, 03:30 AM
sighandbreathe's Avatar Veteran
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Ok, I didn't really know what title to put with this. Basically, my husband and I are trying to have a baby. Most people are ok with this, because I usually have my condition managed really well, and even when I don't, unless I'm completely off the deep end, I can mask it pretty well. Fake it till you make it has been my life motto. My problem is my MIL. I had a miscarriage back in September and got extremely depressed. My MIL, just out of the blue one night at dinner, said, in a very derisive tone, "Well, it's better this way anyway. You know you two shouldn't be having kids, what with your conditions." I was extremely hurt at the time, and wish I had told her off, especially since my husband only dealt with depression when most people do, that wonderful time we know as high school. He's completely well now and no doctor in the world would ever diagnose him with any mental illness. I, on the other hand, am a completely different story, but I know that. (Every doctor I go to changes my dx, first it was chronic major depressive, then it was major depressive with psychosis, one was considering schizophrenia but he was a hospital doc and only saw me for three days, and now they think it might be bipolar.)

Anyhow, anytime I'm not doing so well, like right now, I wonder if maybe she's right. Maybe I shouldn't be having kids. What if they end up like me or worse? What if I end up like Andrea Yates? What if I can't handle motherhood? It's not like you can take a kid to the SPCA! But I really, really want to be a mother. And then I think I'm just being selfish, I'm not considering what the kid would have to go through, growing up with a mother like me. Add in that I am morally opposed to birth control, and I've got a mess.

So...any thoughts?
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  #2  
February 20th, 2007, 03:50 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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yes ... I have a LOT of thoughts ....

a few years ago if I was in your position I might have been thinking the same thing ... however I had my kids (Sabrina almost 14 and Adam almost 12) BEFORE I was diagnosed bipolar ... actually I only got properly diagnosed 3 years ago.

My daughter actually has been recently diagnosed as having bipolar disorder as well and we're dealing with it ... I was actually the one to pick up on some symptoms that looked more like mania than teen hormones gone haywire

Its always hurtful to hear other people talk ... and really no matter what you do or say or dont do or dont say won't shut them up ... thats the unfortunate and sad part of it

You said in another thread I think that you need to see a pdoc and I am soooo behind you on this one .... so far all of your posts are quite sensible and you describe your illness to such a tee that I've realised you have a good head on your shoulders

My kids are the best things to happen to me and actually they are the most strength I have right now .... I can't think of life without them ... if not for them I might not be here right now honestly.

Don't let anyone put you down or make you feel small in any way ... if you want kids and you and your DH are taking care of yourselves, then who's anyone else to criticize?

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #3  
February 21st, 2007, 05:46 AM
Acadia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi there Ashton!

I know. Deciding to have kids (and then trying to!) is stressful enough when everyone is behind you 100%. When someone is rude enough to comment on your choice it can make your whole world come apart.

Can't say I've been there and done that, since I haven't. I'm in the process right now.

There are a lot of people (like Lisa! hey Lisa) who have kids and THEN find out they have some sort of disorder. Lots of people have physical disorders (hey that's me too) and have kids anyway ... some don't find out until afterward.

IMO it all depends on how you deal with things.

One of the hereditary things in my dad's family is that some of our fingernails grow out squarish. My mom had no clue how to deal with this when mine turned out that way. It sounds really silly but she'd never seen square nails before and every other day she'd force me to sit still while she filed them. She was obsessive about it. What's wrong with squarish nails? Nothing. Why couldn't she just round off the corners? She could have but she didn't want to. She wanted them ROUND. I hate filing my nails so it was always a struggle and I resented that my sister didn't have to sit through the filings (her nails are round).

Will you be obsessive and unable to accept differences, like my mom? Or like my dad, who listed everyone else in his family with these squarish nails and told me to be glad my resemblance to Uncle Frank stopped there?

That is what gets me through. Even on my worst days if I stop and think about it, I can be like my dad for just a few seconds. And that makes me understand things much more clearly. People are all different and that's why some of them feel the need to point out your inadequacies. Heck, just count all of their inadequacies right back (in your head of course!).

And if you can be like my dad instead of my mom for just a few seconds I think you'll make a pretty darn good parent too. Just recall that when you're under pressure.

If you think you need a support system just in case, have one set up. Like sending the baby to your mom's house for an afternoon or something. Get a babysitter's number. A bouncy chair and some champagne. "Normal" people have those "I-can't-handle-it" moments too!

I'm glad my mom's better now than she was when I was a kid. She still hates my square nails though.
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  #4  
February 21st, 2007, 09:36 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Hi there Ashton!

I know. Deciding to have kids (and then trying to!) is stressful enough when everyone is behind you 100%. When someone is rude enough to comment on your choice it can make your whole world come apart.

Can't say I've been there and done that, since I haven't. I'm in the process right now.

There are a lot of people (like Lisa! hey Lisa) who have kids and THEN find out they have some sort of disorder. Lots of people have physical disorders (hey that's me too) and have kids anyway ... some don't find out until afterward.

IMO it all depends on how you deal with things.

One of the hereditary things in my dad's family is that some of our fingernails grow out squarish. My mom had no clue how to deal with this when mine turned out that way. It sounds really silly but she'd never seen square nails before and every other day she'd force me to sit still while she filed them. She was obsessive about it. What's wrong with squarish nails? Nothing. Why couldn't she just round off the corners? She could have but she didn't want to. She wanted them ROUND. I hate filing my nails so it was always a struggle and I resented that my sister didn't have to sit through the filings (her nails are round).

Will you be obsessive and unable to accept differences, like my mom? Or like my dad, who listed everyone else in his family with these squarish nails and told me to be glad my resemblance to Uncle Frank stopped there?

That is what gets me through. Even on my worst days if I stop and think about it, I can be like my dad for just a few seconds. And that makes me understand things much more clearly. People are all different and that's why some of them feel the need to point out your inadequacies. Heck, just count all of their inadequacies right back (in your head of course!).

And if you can be like my dad instead of my mom for just a few seconds I think you'll make a pretty darn good parent too. Just recall that when you're under pressure.

If you think you need a support system just in case, have one set up. Like sending the baby to your mom's house for an afternoon or something. Get a babysitter's number. A bouncy chair and some champagne. "Normal" people have those "I-can't-handle-it" moments too!

I'm glad my mom's better now than she was when I was a kid. She still hates my square nails though. [/b]
wonderful post ... thank you

xxx Lisa xxx
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