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  #1  
October 26th, 2005, 12:00 AM
RyMommy's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm new to this particular board. Just a bit of history on me real quick (you can skip ahead, lol)

I've been depressed ever since I was about 13-14 in the seventh grade. I don't know what happened that year, but I seriously got bad. I was anti-social and severely depressed, my grades in school were rock bottom. I started self-injury a few months later, in eighth grade. I only had one friend, and she wasn't sure how to be supportive. I started cutting to relieve stress, and quickly became dependent on it. I saw the counselor at school, and started seeing a therapist. I did not like him at all, because I was convinced he was telling my mom what I was saying to him (they were friends) and I would shut down at our sessions. I finally said I didn't want to go anymore.

End of eighth grade, beginning of high school (i was 15 i think) I had a 19 year old bf who was a drug dealer and into every drug available. I never touched the stuff, but our relationship was pretty messed up. He would pressure me to talk to him in ways I wasn't comfortable with and I would never do it. He ended up cheating on me twice and I left him. After that my depression seemed to fade for a while. My school performance still sucked, but at least I was somewhat happy and not self-injuring so much. I met a guy named Eric, we hit it off. He was SUCH a sweetie! And I was an outcast at school, so I knew having a college BF was like instant popularity at my school. But he wanted to keep our relationship a secret.

He was very abusive, verbally and physically. He put so much stress in my life. I started junior year of high school (age 16) and I was full force into self-injury agian because of him. I would cry in the middle of my classes if I thought about him. I had to wear long sleeves to cover cuts and bruises. I felt so ashamed and so weak. Finally, around the middle of October, we were on a date when he got so angry at me, he tried to strangle me. I passed out, and luckily he stopped, but I had to wear scarves for about a week to cover the bruises. I ended up cutting myself in a teachers office and was sent to the counselor. They kicked me out of school, and tried to send me to a mental hospital near Denver. I started seeing my second therapist and my first psychiatrist.

I was so stupid. I stayed with my BF, even after that night. He was ashamed of me, because of my self-injury. He would yell at me everytime he saw the scars. I had NO self esteem because I believe I was nothing because he said I was nothing. My doctors put me on medication that made me so sick I could not move. I lost 15 lbs in two weeks. I lied to the staff at the mental hospital so that they would not admit me, because it was the friday before my birthday.

I started to take on an anorexic attitude. I stopped eating because BF said I was fat. I got down to 110 lbs.

Around the beginning of December BF and I got into our last fight. He tied me down and hit me repeatedly with a belt. I still have a scar on my foot from the buckle. We broke up, I never looked back. Around New Years, I met up with another guy I met on the internet, and honestly believed we were in love after one date. I wanted to have children with him. We dated for two weeks, and then he dumped me for his ex. I then became interested in someone much older, and again believed I was in love. I was torn apart when I finally realized he did not feel the same.

Then I met my current BF on the internet. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the first date, and I kind of shut down my emotions. I figured he was just like the others. On our third date, he said he knew he wanted me to be his wife, I am so perfect for him. A week later, we nearly broke up, and he called me sobbing, telling me he could not make it one night without me. It touched me so much, that he cared so much. He didn't just want me for a trophy or anything, he just wanted me. We got back together, and have been so happy ever since. We just had our six month anneversary, and I know he is the man I want to marry and spend my life with. I don't know where I'd be without him in my life...

He helped me start eating again, I don't even know how much I weigh anymore because he won't let me have a scale yet. He's having a hard time being supportive of my self-injury because he does not understand it, and it frustrates him. He usually ends up stressing me out more, and I end up cutting. But I have gone a month without it, and I hope to keep it up at least for our baby, if not for myself.

We got pregnant in August, but miscarried a week after getting our positive. Our little angel brought so much joy to our lives in her short life. We are trying for another despite being young. I know that a little one is the missing piece in my life, the only thing to fill the hole in my heart.

My question (finally lol) is how can I ever address these issues with my children? I know there will come a time when they will see my scars and ask about them, and I don't know how to address it. How can I ever tell my daughter to get out of an abusive relationship when I couldn't do it myself? How can I tell my son to respect women when I surrounded myself with people who didn't, and when I didn't respect myself either? I feel like they'll never put faith in my words... and it scares me. I want to be able to fufill my duty as a mother to do all I can to protect them... I guess I'm just scared.

Sorry this post was SO long!!!! I just needed to get it out!!!!
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  #2  
November 1st, 2005, 11:25 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Your story sounds a lot like mine although I never got into the cutting. Mysister did and she used to be really bad with it and she used to do other things as well. I think that as far as to address those issues with your children you need to be honest with them when the right time comes. You need to tell them that there are other ways of dealing with things than hurting yourself or others. You can talk to someone and if you are not comfortable with that person to keep looking until you find someone that you are comfortable with. As far as your son and respecting women I think the best way for him to know is to show it. As long as you are with a man that respects you and treats you like a queen (as all men should treat women LOL) than I think he will understand. I am not sure if I have answered all of your questions but I hope I helped in some way. Good Luck to you and if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime.
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  #3  
November 1st, 2005, 01:30 PM
nmyddseyes's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow hun, you sure had a rough life and (still are) but sounds like you are finally trying to get on the right track now-for your health's sake and for your "future" children in your life....

Going along what all you have said here in your post...
How can you tell your child(ren) about your awful past and encourage them not to follow your footsteps or when it is apporiate?
You might not understand this NOW, but once you become a parent you will, you will automatically know how and when to do this and know what words to use because it will all come out naturally because it will be coming out from your heart!

Yes, when that day comes they might not understand right away why "mommy" would want to hurt herself or why anyone want to hurt her back, physically or mentally but that is when you have to stress to them- there are bad people out there and sometimes those people can mess around with your mind thinking "your no good as well" and sometimes once you do a "bad habit" it is hard to stop unless you get help, like from a professional (which you did your life) or get support from someone that cares or loves you (like your current BF (their daddy?).

Remember we all make mistakes and we learn from them, and as long we know they were mistakes and want to correct them or don't do the same again-our children will forgive and understand. I hope you will continue not to hurt yourself and if you feel like you "have to" come here instead or go to your BF with your concerns (if he is that supportive as he should be).

GL and I know you can do it!

-Dori

(this is coming from a person who has been suffering from moderate depression for several years now with a 3 yr old-that came from an abusive marriage-now in the process of a divorce. I am a Single Disable Mom!)
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