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I'm struggling with being a SAHM


Forum: Thirtysomething Mommies

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  #1  
February 22nd, 2011, 07:35 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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I am 32 years old and a SAHM of a 3 year old and 1 year old.. both are boys. I love them, but am overwhelmed by them. I was a woman who used to say " I don't think I want kids" and I used to be a fashion designer in Manhattan. I worked hard my entire life to succeed at my profession, I was good at it, and I finally made it in the Big Apple. I then became pregnant and I found myself surprisingly happy about it. After my son was born, I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him and working my 80 - 90 hr. work weeks. After all, when would I see him with such a schedule. So I quit my job and decided to be a SAHM. I thought I was ok and I had my 2nd son 2 years later.

This motherhood journey has not been what I thought and I find myself feeling sad, lonely, depressed and overwhelmed by them and their constant needs. I love them and always put them first, but feel myself resenting them. This of course is not their fault, and I know I made my choices in life, but now I feel stuck. Stuck here in this house, cleaning up after them constantly, knowing that this life I am leading is not working for me, but am unable to figure out what is next for me. This depression feels insurmountable, it makes me not want to get out of my pajamas.

I can't figure it out. Am I depressed about the loss of my former life, or the absolute craziness of having 2 boys so close in age, is it that we're stuck in the house because of all the snow and cold.

I guess I may just need some advice.
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  #2  
February 22nd, 2011, 08:03 AM
kimmiejo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 24,239
I am sorry you are having a hard time. I also have 2 children, 3yrs and 9months. I work full time 40 hrs per week because for me and my situation and family that is what works, it is what I like to do. My kids still see me mornings, evenings and weekends but they are in daycare from 8am to 4:30pm. It works for us. I personally know myself and know I wouldn't be able to cope being a SAHM for a multitude of reasons. There is nothing wrong with needing and wanting a life outside of your children, of course they come first but if you are happy and fulfilled that will also reflect in them. Maybe you should try going back to work part time? maybe doing some kind of consulting or freelance where you could work from home? something to think about maybe. I am sorry you are going thru a tough time right now and I hope you are able to find a solution where everyone is happy, including yourself!.....and welcome to Justmommies! I hope you stick around!
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  #3  
February 22nd, 2011, 08:47 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Thank you for your advice. Logically I know that perhaps I could go the freelance / consulting route, but am facing a severe lack of confidence? I have been told by many people in my former profession that once you are out for a while, those who hire think you aren't in "the loop" anymore. But I also haven't given it a shot out of fear of failure I guess. I feel as if I haven't ever failed before, until now I guess as a parent. Perhaps I am not failing at being a parent, but it sure does feel that way sometimes.

Guess I need to get out of this negative spiral I am in and be proactive about my situation. But sometimes the first step seems impossible. Anyway.. thanks for your encouragment... I hope to figure out my next step soon
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  #4  
February 22nd, 2011, 11:48 AM
*Cyndee*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just like you can't let the world beat you up before you get a chance to try, you can't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. For one, most of it is physiological. Talking to your OB can help. PPD has many faces and no boxed timing. Part of being a mother is ****** of you do ****** if you don't balance in life. You have to find an inner balance and be at peace with your decisions, reach out to others and find a way to keep connecting with people and not totally losing yourself in mommydom.

Talking to an online support group is a good step, so I'm glad you are here! I also work full time but decided to only have one child. Many mom's in my "january 2008 playroom" are getting hit hard by mommy blues now that the shiny newborn-ness is wearing off of the 2nd baby and are having hard times with being a stay at home mom. You aren't alone.

There is good news in fashion design - going away from high fashion to eco fashion and woman/mom small business are really taking off! Have you explored what a small in home business can do for both your creative outlet and a direction to move into as your kids grow and start school?
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  #5  
February 23rd, 2011, 01:26 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: PA
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Welcome to the board.

Have you thought about getting a part time job to help with the stress and the depression.

I would also talk to your OB or family doctor and see if they can help with your depression.

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  #6  
February 27th, 2011, 08:26 PM
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I am not trying to belittle it but at this point I have a wicked case of the winter blues and know once the sun shines and we can go outside again the monotony will subside and everything can be fun again.

For now I have been trying to find different things to break up our days and sometimes just head out for the day.

If you feel you may want to return to that line of work one day you may want to keep a foot in the door now. You're not failing as a mom if you aren't all rainbows and sunshine every day. Don't beat yourself up
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  #7  
March 5th, 2011, 12:38 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Canada
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I worked a full time career before staying home with DS1, and the other three after him--now I'm a wahm--its exhausting. Some days I can feel my brain atrophy just a bit. Making playdoh figures and planning supper aren't really challenging my brain at all. It helps when I get out a bit during the week, either dh stays with them, or I have a sitter come in a few hours a week so I can do ob appts and such. Those little breaks seem to really bring me out of my slump and appreciate everything a bit more. ((hugs))
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  #8  
March 5th, 2011, 07:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,141
Winter exacerbates feelings of gloom and depression. They sell special lights for people with depression to use during winter (relative has one). Imitates sunlight. Winter will definitely be making your feelings worse.
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  #9  
March 6th, 2011, 04:21 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,297
The way you're feeling seems to happen after your second, for myself and most of my friends. With one you kinda still do your thing, but with two it seems to change a bit, when you know (and we all know) that you're not "just" a mom, but you feel like it. It can be hard to feel validated when all you do is look after your little ones, and even though you're busy all day and what you're doing is important, you really don't feel like you've accomplished anything, particularly in your case if you had a great career going.
I think the other posters have offered some great suggestions and I also wanted to applaud you for being honest, often we lack the courage to admit that it's not always all that perfect.
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  #10  
March 9th, 2011, 07:51 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I decided to go see a therapist to deal with some of the issues I am facing. Had my 2nd appt. today and am hoping that with the help of just talking about what is going on with me with the addition of some nicer, warmer weather... I'll figure out how to make everything better for me and most importantly my boys. Because I know when I am sad.. they feel it.
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  #11  
March 21st, 2011, 10:11 AM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 11
I had a hard time making the transition, too. It's hard saying goodbye to a former you, when you liked to former you. It took me a good long while, but when I finally realized what an opportunity it was to be a SAHM, I embraced it fully. You have the opportunity to reinvent yourself right now. Be who you want to be! Find something that is yours and only yours and seize it. For me, it's school. For you, it could be anything you like! For the first time in your life, you get to define what your responsibilities should be because you don't have a boss nagging you. You get to structure your own time and you get to decide what you include in your world. The amazing thing about kids is that they seem to enjoy getting involved as well, no matter what the task. If you decide that you want to do volunteer work, for instance, they'll love helping! If you decide to go to school, they might love learning what you're learning. My son could stare at my books for hours!

That your little ones are closer together in age will become a blessing when your youngest is communicating and playing more at a toddler level. My 2 are also 2 years apart and they adore each other. They play endlessly. Some days they are far more interested in each other than me, which is nice because then I can catch up on what my life needs from me.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep yourself busy and redefine what is in your life and what you want out of your life. Try not to mourn the loss of your old life, but celebrate your new life. I know first hand that that is easier said than done, but I promise you, there is a whole world out there waiting for you to own it!
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