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Does anyone else feel sorry for people that choose not to have kids?


Forum: Thirtysomething Mommies

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  • 2 Post By MzzMommaD
  • 1 Post By *Cyndee*
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  #1  
February 11th, 2013, 03:32 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 73
I don't know why, but when I reconnect with old friends and find out they never had kids, I feel sorry for them. Of course I don't tell them that! It doesn't matter if they are childless by choice, or have a great career, I feel sad for them that they "don't want" something (kids) that they can't possibly understand what its like until having them. Its not that I think they are selfish, I just feel sad that they are missing out on the experience of children, even though its no skin off my nose. I also feel sad that they might reach a point in their life when they regret it, but it will be too late.

Before being a SAHM I was an RN (well I'm still an RN, but I'm home now) and I have had countless elderly patients express to me their sadness, loneliness and their regret for not having kids, especially after their spouse has passed away. I did see this more with women than men. Yes there were some people that were unable to have kids, but it was the ones that made that choice that were remorseful. Even couples that had amazing careers, traveled and lived life to the fullest, expressed as they entered their later years, and peers were welcoming grandkids, they began to regret their solo lifestyle. Because at that time their parent peers have moved passed the "difficult" stage, the stage that non parents don't want to deal with, and now the non parents see "the joys" of parenting grown children. Often, people I talk to, that are choosing not to have kids, are thinking of how they don't have to deal with "little kids", but fail to look ahead to when their kids will be grown.

I'm not saying I have children for my future. Not at all! I enjoy them now, still in diapers, still little, I've always wanted kids. I have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and one on the way. I know that people that don't want kids shouldn't have them, but I always hear the same short sighted reasons, about traveling now, having more money now, being free now...but then I hear all the sadness and regret from my elderly patients. I've never heard someone choose not to have kids and cite reasons beyond the next 5 to 10 years...so I feel sad for them. But again, I don't tell them. I just hope for their sake they aren't telling their nurse in 40 years how they never wanted kids, and now they are sad for their choice.

And all the "things" parents "can't" do (travel, advance careers) they actually can, just before having kids, or after, or with the kids when they are older. DH and I have travels before kids, a few times with kids (yes it was harder!) and have plan of traveling in the coming years when they are older, and of course when they are grown. And DH finished his education before kids. I will continue mine after the kids are older, but got my associate's degree before having kids. So its not like having kids has derailed our entire life. So I feel sad when someone lists these reasons, because I think, they are sacrificing something so special (being a parent) for something that they can still do in their life (travel, career).

I figured since we are all moms, I don't have to deal with someone getting all defensive about this post. And if you have the urge to, please don't bother. I posted this because I think its weird I would feel sad for someone that chose not to have kids, and I'm just wondering if anyone else feels that way? Sad for people that are choosing not to have kids? I mean, its their choice! Its what they want in life. They are happy....for now??
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  #2  
February 17th, 2013, 08:22 PM
MzzMommaD's Avatar Sleepy Rat Rattery
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I do think it is very very strange you feel bad for people without children. Some cant have children for various reasons. Some don't feel they would make good parents. Some straight out may not like children at all. And those that choose not to have children are usually perfectly happy with their lives. I know many older couples who are perfectly happy with their choices to have no children. I think you are a very conceited person with very cold and judgmental personality. I have seen all the things you post and they are all pretty much the same. You are disrespectful. You only care about yourself and think other people are lower than you. No matter what their situation is. You seem to be a troll to me. And if that offends you then go back and read the things you right and try to see them from someone else's perspective. Yes some people regret not having children, but you know what? There are also, unfortunately, those who regret HAVING them. I don't think you should be so judgmental of other people and their choices. They will make their own choices and live with the consequences of their choices.
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  #3  
February 18th, 2013, 07:56 AM
*Cyndee*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I never really thought I was ready to start a family until I found out that the odds of fertility were not in my favor for more than a few reasons (one ovary, cystic, thyroid condition, etc). While everyone is different, I can related to an example of one long time couple friends that doesn't make much sense to me. She says she doesn't want kids b/c her mom went crazy after having her and she doesn't want to go crazy too. I really don't think it's an actual condition to be predisposed to mental illness by having children. I know this couple takes trips and vacation every few weeks yet claims to never take a vacation or have time to themselves, it's a bit frustrating to relate to as a full time working parent. This couple loves being around other peoples kids so they do love children. They have 3 dogs so they aren't afriad of having responsiblities at home. It's just their choice. If they regret it, well that's not really my concern. I feel sorry for what they will miss out on, but if it's not a priority or important to them then they may feel sorry for what I may miss out on by NOT having kids.
Unlike the previous poster I don't think you are being judgmental or conceited. I think that your experience with the elderly has made you wonder what others will regret or take pride in the the twilight years. I wouldn't give your emotional energy into the what if's of others though, and change the feelings of pity to learning instead what fulfills their life.
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  #4  
February 18th, 2013, 12:53 PM
MzzMommaD's Avatar Sleepy Rat Rattery
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My reasoning for my post is also explained in her other posts. One which has since been closed and several of her very rude and inappropriate posts have been removed from it.
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  #5  
April 5th, 2013, 12:42 PM
Thea Maria G's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Danbury CT
Posts: 1,424
Honestly, i don't think even think about it. I am so wrapped up in day to day stuff i don't even think about that. I say to each his own though, however some may think the opposite of what you think "omg why did they have kids, life is better with out them!" Clearly i don't think that but i am saying that everyone is different and just be thankful for what you have.
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  #6  
May 16th, 2013, 02:34 PM
*Jennifer*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 5,500
I admire people who chose not to have kids. They don't let anyone pressure them into starting a family.
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  #7  
May 20th, 2013, 01:39 PM
MommytoZoeAlyssa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: VA
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I don't feel sorry for them if they chose not to have kids. I honestly think not everyone is cut out to be a parent and thats okay! Everyone is different and can live there life to the fullest and be happy with that choice.
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  #8  
June 26th, 2013, 05:34 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida, USA
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My sister chose to never have kids. She has traveled the world, lived in various countries, and is happy with her freedom. She loves and misses her niece and nephews, and loves spending time with them when she is here. But she she knows she doesn't have the patience for kids, and doesn't want to give up her wants/needs for kids. I can appreciate that. You only get one life - live it the way you want to. If she regrets her decision one day, oh well. I don't feel sorry for people who make conscious decisions, even if they regret them later.
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  #9  
August 31st, 2013, 10:55 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1
I don't really feel sorry for them, kids aren't for everyone. It's up to them, I'd rather them not have children, than have a child and not want it.
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  #10  
September 25th, 2013, 10:17 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 683
The only ones I feel sorry for are the ones that I know want children, but haven't been able to have them. If someone chooses not to have kids then more power to them. I'm not egotistical enough to think that my choices are the only right ones and that if anyone chooses something different than me then they are wrong.
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