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Great news ... which leads to a dilemna [Update Post #11]


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  #1  
November 9th, 2011, 11:16 AM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Bear with me, this will be complicated.

I work as a consultant, so the company I work for staffs me on projects with various clients. These projects typically run about 3-12 months in duration. Most projects require travel to the client site every single week, but some (about 10%) can be done from home. Since I had my DD I have been tremendously lucky to get assigned to the projects that can be done remotely, which is fantastic because I would quit my job rather than travel every week and rarely get to see my daughter. I even have my "plan B" job in place - teaching at an online university. The pay would be much lower, and it wouldn't be as glamorous or interesting, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about travel. Well, I just found out yesterday that my project has been extended by a full year. This is incredible and I'm over the moon happy!

Now I have a dilemma. DH and I were planning to shoot for a spacing of about 3 1/2 - 4 years in between kids. At one time we had hit a low point in our relationship and decided we weren't going to have any more kids, but instead we just decided to wait until Juliana is old enough (she's currently 15 1/2 months) that she is more independent, can sleep through the night, etc. Well ... I don't know if I'll be able to WFH a few years from now and I definitely want to WFH or not at all with a newborn. I really don't want to get pregnant immediately but I'm thinking we could target early 2013 for another baby and that way I could finish up my WFH project and then if it doesn't get extended again, I could take a leave of absence and do online teaching until another remote project comes up. There is also a chance that my project could be extended for another year and this is probably the only project I'll ever be on where part-time work could be an option. This way I'd essentially be guaranteed to work remotely through the end of 2013. I don't think I'll have an opportunity like this if I delay. Even though I'm really not mentally ready, I'm thinking about moving the baby #2 timeline up so that there's only about a 2 1/2 year spacing, which would mean TTC in about 5-6 months. Any thoughts?

Update - Well, DH and I discussed this while on vacation and didn't really get anywhere. Trying to talk to him is like pulling teeth. All I could get out of him was "I could deal with it". He did agree that the timing would be good for work reasons.

I, on the other hand, am starting to doubt whether I even want another baby. I really enjoyed my vacation. I really enjoyed being able to afford taking on that vacation. It's so difficult to travel during pregnancy, and with a young baby, and with two it would be much worse. Sometimes I think I should just be happy and satisfied with what we have and not try to push my luck. Then again, when I look at Juliana I know that she means so much more to me than any vacation and the loss of freedom is worth it, but I wonder if there would be diminishing returns with a second one.
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Last edited by Jule'sMomInOR; November 21st, 2011 at 08:27 AM.
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  #2  
November 9th, 2011, 11:30 AM
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hmmm. Let me think on it and respond more thoughtfully later. But my initial thoughts are: if you're not mentally ready then it's not the right time no matter what career options are in play...but if you're already at this stage of even considering it, I wonder if you're not gearing yourself up for it and you're perhaps more mentally ready than you give yourself credit for.

huh. Such a tough decision though, and I know it's harder still given your last experience. My gut would tell me to get it done and over with, while I'm still nimble enough and sleep deprived enough to overlook a lot of the suffering, BUT, on the other hand, waiting would give you a little more time to "forget" the heartaches of the past year and a half. Jeepers, I'm glad this is your dilemna and not mine!
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  #3  
November 9th, 2011, 11:37 AM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shockandawe View Post
hmmm. Let me think on it and respond more thoughtfully later. But my initial thoughts are: if you're not mentally ready then it's not the right time no matter what career options are in play...but if you're already at this stage of even considering it, I wonder if you're not gearing yourself up for it and you're perhaps more mentally ready than you give yourself credit for.

huh. Such a tough decision though, and I know it's harder still given your last experience. My gut would tell me to get it done and over with, while I'm still nimble enough and sleep deprived enough to overlook a lot of the suffering, BUT, on the other hand, waiting would give you a little more time to "forget" the heartaches of the past year and a half. Jeepers, I'm glad this is your dilemna and not mine!
LOL! I think you are on to something with the part in bold. Plus, since I'm talking about TTC in a few months and pregnancy is another 9 months, I still have about as long to wait as Juliana has been alive so I'd still have plenty of time to get ready, get some sleep, and forget the newborn stage misery!
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  #4  
November 9th, 2011, 11:48 AM
-erin-'s Avatar Co-Host of the May2010 PR
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it's so hard to decide child spacing when work comes in to play I originally thought I wanted a 2 year gap. Now, well I really can't imagine having another child yet, and I really really would like to be able to quit my job and be a SAHM by the time another child is born. I don't want to miss most of the first year again and I absolutely HATED pumping at work. I keep saying ideal spacing now would be 3 years, but I guess it will depend on how life is going at that time... Each day I think "I love this age" more and more and can't imagine going back to the newborn stage again

You don't have to make a decision NOW about what you're doing. It sounds like a great opportunity and is definitely something to take advantage of, but you have a few months to weigh pros and cons and see how things are going with Juliana and sleep (ok, I don't stalk you, but I remember seeing your posts about her not sleeping well still, although that may not have been recently, it all blurs together) and everything else
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  #5  
November 9th, 2011, 11:54 AM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by -erin- View Post
it's so hard to decide child spacing when work comes in to play I originally thought I wanted a 2 year gap. Now, well I really can't imagine having another child yet, and I really really would like to be able to quit my job and be a SAHM by the time another child is born. I don't want to miss most of the first year again and I absolutely HATED pumping at work. I keep saying ideal spacing now would be 3 years, but I guess it will depend on how life is going at that time... Each day I think "I love this age" more and more and can't imagine going back to the newborn stage again

You don't have to make a decision NOW about what you're doing. It sounds like a great opportunity and is definitely something to take advantage of, but you have a few months to weigh pros and cons and see how things are going with Juliana and sleep (ok, I don't stalk you, but I remember seeing your posts about her not sleeping well still, although that may not have been recently, it all blurs together) and everything else
Juliana is currently waking up about 3 times per night to nurse which is a dream compared to a few months back. This is even with 4 molars about to come through. It's much better than before but now I'm tired from waking up at 6 am most days and an hour earlier about once per week for a ridiculously early meeting.

The main reason I feel that I need to decide now (or soon) is that I have not had a period in 2 years and will probably need to night wean Juliana if I want my fertility to return and become regular in 4-5 months. I may even already be too late for that. I was thinking about night weaning anyway but with her waking up only 2 or 3 times, I'd just rather skip all the crying and stress and let it ride itself out.
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  #6  
November 10th, 2011, 07:36 AM
sfarrow3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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This is definately a very tough decision and i feel for you. I agree with the ladies though about not being mentally ready, but I also think that if you happened to get pregnant you will be able to handle the situation gracefully. I think you would be able to adapt and keep it moving. Your hubby will also have no choice to step in and help more because you will have two. You will have 9 months to get mentally ready and Juilana will be older so she will be more independent than even today. I personally say go for it. With the job situation I just feel like it is your BEST time to have another one. IMO
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  #7  
November 10th, 2011, 07:58 AM
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I've been thinking more too, and knowing what I know of you, I think it's your best time to start trying too.

The job situation you and I have is so unique still. Way too many companies are way behind the times in realizing the benefits of these types of solutions. AND, the fact that you have a plan B pretty solid already, is a HUGE factor too. I say, if you don't try now, 2 or 3 years from now, you're going to find yourself in a really different situation. You're going to be older, and believe it or not, no matter how well you take care of yourself, older is older...and older does not make an easier time of pregnancy - trust me on this one. Even that few short years makes a huge difference in your body. And like I said before, waiting a couple more years will give you more time to find a groove and get comfy with the way things are. A new addition at that time would create an even bigger disruption to your lives, and would give Juliana more time to develop jealousies and attachments. But she still won't be big enough to understand it all. Could be harder on her then. At least now, she may not understand, but she also may be a little less disrupted by it too...if you know what I mean. At least she'll have a short term recollection of why the new baby is nursing, and even if she has to struggle with sharing the boobies, she'll figure out quickly that you have two...lol.

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  #8  
November 10th, 2011, 12:21 PM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies for the input! I am starting to feel more like I am mentally ready or at least like I will be in another 14-15 months when I have in mind for baby #2 to possibly arrive. The main thing I was hoping to get in before starting all over is some good quality time with DH, including possibly a weekend away, since our marriage did suffer more than I ever thought possible. He is planning to take his sabbatical next year, which is an extra 8 weeks of paid vacation, so we could take advantage of his extra time to spend more time together. The more I think about it, the more I think that it could work but I'm still not 100% sold. I think I'm going to go ahead and take steps to make TTC in a few months an option (I actually started taking vitex this morning, which is supposed to help with the return of fertility during breastfeeding). I will give it some more thought, have some serious and frank discussions with DH about what has to be different next time (as in he HAS to be more help ... it's not optional) and see how those discussions go. Also we'll see how things go with Juliana. She has become easier and more independent (slightly) within the last few months and I can only expect that to continue. I'm not crazy about either tandem nursing or weaning her before she's ready (and let me tell you, this girl is a boob ADDICT) so I'm not sure how I feel about that. There are so many factors to consider. Luckily, we're leaving for vacation tonight so we should have lots of time to talk and reconnect over the next week!
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  #9  
November 10th, 2011, 12:48 PM
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Enjoy and Relax! Very jealous of your little getaway here! Have FUN!
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  #10  
November 11th, 2011, 10:57 AM
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I agree with all the ladies.

With the job situation I would go for it. Sounds like it is the best route.

Good Luck and I am also jealous of your little weekend getaway!!
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  #11  
November 27th, 2011, 08:24 PM
Jule'sMomInOR's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I just realized my update never got posted so I'll try again ....

The short version is that I tried to have a heart-to-heart with DH but all I could get out of him was "I could deal with it" if I wanted to move the timeline forward. However, lately I've actually been leaning back towards being done at one. Maybe it's because Juliana is getting her molars and back to horrible sleep, and because I realize my DH is never going to be as helpful as I want him to be. For now and the near future, I'm perfectly happy with just one.
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  #12  
November 28th, 2011, 02:49 AM
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Well, as difficult as it sounds the conversation may have been to have, I'm happy you have a resolution. Minds can change, and you're definitely young enough to have a change of mind another day. Husbands can be such a stick in the side eh?
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  #13  
November 28th, 2011, 09:22 AM
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I'm glad you are happy with just one. I think with your husbands response I would be scared to have another one. He would really have to step up and it doesn't seem like he is to thrilled about it.. I agree with Becky you can always change your mind.
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  #14  
November 28th, 2011, 07:46 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Sounds like you are happy with just one. I will admit when I had Breana my Dh was not hands on and didn't help out that much and when Xander came along it didn't changed.

I do almost everything in this house hold and it gets old.
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