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Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
July 27th, 2008, 10:07 AM
Angel_Maker
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Wow, I KNEW today was going to be bad, but I had NO IDEA I would be spending my ENTIRE day in tears

This morning DH got up and said he had to go drop something off at his parents house....ok, his parents house is 10 minutes away-I was under the impression that he was going there and coming straight home...it IS my birthday and he knows how depressed I've been so I wasn't expecting him to leave me alone.....

So an HOUR goes by and I call his phone...he answers and I ask him what's taking him so long and he responds, "I'm hanging out with my mom.."-so I reply, "Oh, I didn't realize today was her birthday, tell her I said Happy F##king Birthday!!" And hang up the phone...

He comes home about 35 minutes later and doesn't speak to me.....so after a while I decide I need to go for a drive to clear my head.....I go to cemetary and visit my babies....

I get back in my car and I have a missed call from DH-I listen to the message-

"Hey Brandi, I guess since you're just going to act like a B***CH today, I'm going back to my parents house"

So now I have to go to my parents house in an hour for my "Birthday Lunch" by MYSELF and explain to my parents that my husband is a piece of CRAP

I knew I should've stayed in bed today!!!!!
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  #2  
July 27th, 2008, 11:06 AM
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Oh Brandi, I am so sorry you aren't having a good birthday. I hope it gets better from here on out. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
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  #3  
July 27th, 2008, 11:14 AM
Chatterbox's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First of all, Happy Birthday hun.

I'm really sorry that your husband is being a butt head right now and that you are having such a horrible day. *hugs* I hope he comes around and realizes that he is the one that isn't being so nice, not you.
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  #4  
July 27th, 2008, 11:20 AM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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FOA, Happy Birthday! I really hope your day gets better for you. I'm sorry DH is being a turd. Does he know how hard today is for you without your babies? Sometimes they need a gentle reminder, other times a swift kick! ((HUGS))
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  #5  
July 27th, 2008, 11:25 AM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Brandi!!!!! I am so sorry sweetie! I had 1 of those kinds of days not too long ago but it wasn't on my b-day which would have really SUCKED!

Know this, I love you to pieces & wish you a very sweetie! I only wish I knew earlier & would have dropped a card in the mail to you.
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  #6  
July 27th, 2008, 12:31 PM
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Brandi! I'm so so sorry about your Birthday not turning out the way you thought! I would be mad if my Dh did that too
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  #7  
July 27th, 2008, 01:28 PM
Angel_Maker
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Thanks girls

I'm home now, DH is gone-I don't know where he is (he's not at his parents) He left a nasty note by the front door. Saying that I'm constantly giving his family reasons to hate me, blah blah blah....his note said he didn't know when he'd be home....so I called his cell and left him a message telling him not to bother coming home.....I don't have time for his crap..He hasn't been supportive of me AT ALL during this past year, and honestly, I'm so over him AND his family right now that I don't care if I ever have anything to do with ANY of them.....


There was a present on the table from my in laws, I opened it, and then threw it in the garbage....I dont' have time for their BS.....I'm soooooooo over it!
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  #8  
July 27th, 2008, 03:54 PM
FyreMommy2B's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hey sweetie! First off I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I am sorry your DH reacted to you on the phone the way he did. However I can see how he could REACT to that kind of a call. If the situation was reversed and my DH called me and spoke to me that way. I'd be very upset with him for cursing at me and hanging up on me. It wouldn't make me want to 'hang out' with him if he was in that sort of mindset. I know that there could be more behind it that I'm not aware of but based on what you explained happened.... it seems like YOU were VERY confrontational with him & started things off on a bad note.

I have lost track of time with my family before when spending time with them. I know it's been a difficult relationship you have with your in-laws but they are his parents and he may have reacted the way he did because of what you said. What you SAY sets the TONE for things. I think you have a very good heart & mean the best when it comes to your husband but not everyone can accept that sort of attack and act like everything is just fine afterwards. Maybe you could have asked him "Can you tell me when you plan to come home so we can spend some quality time together for my birthday?" or "I know you don't mean to hurt me but it hurts that you would rather spend time with your family instead of me on my birthday ... I was looking forward to us spending time together with my family." At least that would give him a chance to respond and tell you his intentions.

It's possible maybe you both made mistakes in this situation. I wish you the best and hope everything works out.

oh...and instead of throwing away their gift. Maybe you could donate it to charity or goodwill so that someone could benefit and something positive could come from it.
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  #9  
July 27th, 2008, 04:18 PM
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I am so sorry that today has been so tough and crappy.
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  #10  
July 27th, 2008, 04:34 PM
Angel_Maker
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Quote:
Hey sweetie! First off I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I am sorry your DH reacted to you on the phone the way he did. However I can see how he could REACT to that kind of a call. If the situation was reversed and my DH called me and spoke to me that way. I'd be very upset with him for cursing at me and hanging up on me. It wouldn't make me want to 'hang out' with him if he was in that sort of mindset. I know that there could be more behind it that I'm not aware of but based on what you explained happened.... it seems like YOU were VERY confrontational with him & started things off on a bad note.

I have lost track of time with my family before when spending time with them. I know it's been a difficult relationship you have with your in-laws but they are his parents and he may have reacted the way he did because of what you said. What you SAY sets the TONE for things. I think you have a very good heart & mean the best when it comes to your husband but not everyone can accept that sort of attack and act like everything is just fine afterwards. Maybe you could have asked him "Can you tell me when you plan to come home so we can spend some quality time together for my birthday?" or "I know you don't mean to hurt me but it hurts that you would rather spend time with your family instead of me on my birthday ... I was looking forward to us spending time together with my family." At least that would give him a chance to respond and tell you his intentions.

It's possible maybe you both made mistakes in this situation. I wish you the best and hope everything works out.

oh...and instead of throwing away their gift. Maybe you could donate it to charity or goodwill so that someone could benefit and something positive could come from it.[/b]

Thanks for taking the time to write I *KNOW* that I am by nature a very confrontational person. My friends have always joked that I am the NICEST person you will ever meet UNTIL you do me wrong.....then my "other side" comes out

I understand that people may sometimes lose track of time, but honestly, my DH knew what he was doing when he went over there this morning....he was being extremely insensitive and even though I KNOW that I spoke very aggressively towards him, in this instance, I felt he deserved it.

I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, but I feel like DH does whatever he wants, WHENEVER he wants, with absolutely NO REGARD for me or my feelings....sometimes I just snap, because I can't stand feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

As for the gift, it was personalized with my name on it....I would gladly donate it, but my name isn't all that popular, especially with it's spelling, so it's better in the garbage...

I feel like my MIL intentionally got something that I would hate just to spite me....she did it at Christmas time too....I've expressed to them that I'd rather just NOT receive gifts from them as they are ALWAYS things I WOULD never wear or have in my home.....I KNOW they're doing it on purpose as I've seen the gifts they buy for the other "kids" in the family and I can see the amount of thought that is put into finding something "special" for them.....

I'm just at my wits end today.....DH thinks I should just "suck it up" because it's been a year.....but he has no idea how this is affecting me mentally and emotionally.....nor do I think he cares.....
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  #11  
July 27th, 2008, 05:53 PM
nelson1229's Avatar Super Mommy
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Honey I honestly know what you mean... I am so sorry that your Birthday has been horrible! Losing a child is something you ccould never get over.. i miscarried right after we got married.. i was almost 21 weeks along.. a little girl.. Now more than a year later and half later.. my husband talks about it like it was all a dream and never happened. WE, women, carry the babies and feel the baby growing.. MEN JUST GET TO WATCH....

Now that we are TTC actively.. i go through so much probing from U/S and i have so much blood work taken on a montly basis.. I take meds everymonth.. and all of this takes money.. THAT we as a couple have chosen to pursue... IVF is the next option for us...

WELL...
Last night my husband went out with his friends and got completely wasted.. in which he was more than 2 hours drive from me...we had argued before he left because i didnt want him spending money out in a bar on alcohol because we have TTC expenses coming up we have saved for... I didnt speak to him when he left.. around 2 am i got a call from him... so i got in my car and made the 2 hour to a someone's house.. an after party of some sort.. and he is in the pool naked and making a fool of himself!!! I get his drunk ##### to a motel.. in which we spent more money.. and came to find out he had blown over $200 that night.. getting in to clubs and bars.. taking turns buying rounds for him and his buddies..

So here i am keeping my body clean and healthy.. i have a surgery in less than a week.. and he goes and spends our money and gets drunk.. ALthough this was the first time since we got married.. it is unfair because the way he acts...

Needless to say I was correct in my argument because of what happened... I told him if he wants to ever drunk again.. i will divorce him and I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT!!!!

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSET.. my Bday is next month on the 23rd and I hope he takes the time to get on a good level...with me..

YOU SHOULD GO AND DO what you want today!!! GO TO THE SPA sometime this week... LAY DOWN THE LAW and make him hear you out...

I was with someone before whose family hated me.. it made our relationship harder... REAL HARD.. we broke up because of it.. we were together for over 4 years.. engaged.. and it was really hard... What my family thinks of someone and vice versa now does not really bother me .. because in the long run the relationship is the two of you... not them... MY MIL and FIL will be dead and long gone.. hopefully before either my DH or me.. and then what.. what they thougth really mattered...

My DH is an only child... and his mother andf ather are consently in our buisness.. I finally had to lay downt he LAW and tell them if they ever wanted to see their grandchilren they would leave us the hell alone..

Since I told them how I felt.. they are the nicest people to me.. they know i will take care of their son...

Hopefully everthing will work out.. TTC is a hard thing to crack.. especially when it takes forever to get the nice

We can be Cycle Buddies and I have here for you!!!! Husbands are jerks alot of the times...

TO US CONCEIVING a SUMMER BABY!!!
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  #12  
July 27th, 2008, 06:51 PM
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Hey hunny. I am sooo sorry that he added more crap for you to deal with today. I wish I could be closer to you. I would definately kick him in his head. lol I love you girl!
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  #13  
July 27th, 2008, 07:55 PM
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Brandi I am sorry you had a bad birthday. Tomorrow's a new day!
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  #14  
July 27th, 2008, 11:22 PM
FyreMommy2B's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I hope things are better for you tomorrow girl! And I know what you mean about temper. My maiden name was Sparks and it took me many years to overcome my temper and confrontational ways. I just hate to see it backfire and hurt you. I know you have the sweetest heart and I hope he showers you with hugs & the lovins you deserve.
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  #15  
July 28th, 2008, 06:35 AM
AprilBaby08's Avatar Super Mommy
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Happy belated Brandi! I can't imagine how much stress this all has put on your marriage. I mean, IF in a marriage is hard enough, but to add the grief of losing two children...geez. I don't mean to pry, but have you two gone to counseling as a couple?
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Jun 06-Dec 06: TTC au naturale. OPK's, BBT's, Ovulex, Vitex= No O.
Dec 06: Official PCOS dx. Duhh!!
Jan 07: Provera, 50 mg Clomid = No O.
Feb-Mar 07: 100 mg Clomid= Late O, but BFN.
Apr 07: 100 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = Late O, but BFN.
May 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
July 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
Aug 07: 200 mg Clomid= No O.
Sep 07- Nov 07: On a TTC Break.
Dec 07: Gonal-f and IUI cycle = BFN
March 08: Waiting to start IVF, but O'd on my own after weight loss!!!!
April 08: TTC with clomid 100 mg= BFN....but happy I o'd again!!!
June 08: Consult with RE to start Gonal-F and IUI cycle.
July 08; Gonal-f and IUI cycle=Cancelled. Too many follies. E2 too high.

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  #16  
July 28th, 2008, 06:48 AM
Angel_Maker
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Happy belated Brandi! I can't imagine how much stress this all has put on your marriage. I mean, IF in a marriage is hard enough, but to add the grief of losing two children...geez. I don't mean to pry, but have you two gone to counseling as a couple?[/b]

Thanks hun Yeah, the stress is overwhelming to say the least.....and it's amplified 10-fold when I think about how WONDERFUL my life would be today if things with the boys had turned out differently I would give anything to have the marriage I *used* to have, not to mention 2 little boys that would only make my life that much sweeter......


Everyday without them is a nightmare, but some days are better than others....yesterday was so incredibly hard because this my first birthday without them....last year on my birthday, I was still pregnant, and even though I had already found out they were going to die,-at least ON MY BIRTHDAY they were alive, and it was ME that was keeping them that way.....this time last year, I had just begun to feel their little twitches and thumps when I laid on my left side before falling asleep......I only got to experience that joy for about 4 days before it was taken away from me.....

Sorry to ramble...but to answer your question, No, we never went to counseling as a couple (DH schedule is so sporadic that there is NO WAY to set an appt for him to attend) I did however go to counseling for SEVERAL months, and was on Zoloft as well......all because DH told me to....he seems to always get his way
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  #17  
July 28th, 2008, 08:37 AM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry. I know how had my losses have been on my marriage, and it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy. It has been so hard for me to come to terms with the fact thaty men just feel things differently. Somedays I still don't deal well with it tho, and we have big fights, usually over something so stupid and pointless.

Then I remind myself that this is my soul mate, the man I want to have a whole life with, and who is a great person, husband and someday father. It is hard, but sometimes you do need to put the anger away and actually DEAL with things, and not lash out and make it worse. I have a hard time with it too, I'm the exact same way.

You just need to calmly, and nicely, tell him what you need. He has no clue till you let him know. WE think they should just get it, but that just isn't the way they are. Try to stop thinking he misbehaves out of spite, he isn't doing that, he's just trying to deal the best way he knows how. He needs to try his best to be more sympathetic, and you'll try to be less rash and angry. It's so hard on both of you.

When things are rough I remind myself that at least I have a wonderful husband, and I tell him that. It really does help to cry on his shoulder, a lot more then it helps you feel better to lash out in anger.
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  #18  
July 28th, 2008, 09:32 AM
AprilBaby08's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Quote:
Happy belated Brandi! I can't imagine how much stress this all has put on your marriage. I mean, IF in a marriage is hard enough, but to add the grief of losing two children...geez. I don't mean to pry, but have you two gone to counseling as a couple?[/b]

Thanks hun Yeah, the stress is overwhelming to say the least.....and it's amplified 10-fold when I think about how WONDERFUL my life would be today if things with the boys had turned out differently I would give anything to have the marriage I *used* to have, not to mention 2 little boys that would only make my life that much sweeter......


Everyday without them is a nightmare, but some days are better than others....yesterday was so incredibly hard because this my first birthday without them....last year on my birthday, I was still pregnant, and even though I had already found out they were going to die,-at least ON MY BIRTHDAY they were alive, and it was ME that was keeping them that way.....this time last year, I had just begun to feel their little twitches and thumps when I laid on my left side before falling asleep......I only got to experience that joy for about 4 days before it was taken away from me.....

Sorry to ramble...but to answer your question, No, we never went to counseling as a couple (DH schedule is so sporadic that there is NO WAY to set an appt for him to attend) I did however go to counseling for SEVERAL months, and was on Zoloft as well......all because DH told me to....he seems to always get his way
[/b]

Awwwww sweetie! Of course I will never know how traumatic your experience really was, but I know it has to be tough. I can't even imagine. Men tend to deal with things differently from women, but I know he's hurting too. He may need to talk to someone to help him figure out how to be what you need him to be right now. He also may need to be reminded that just because he was able to deal with the loss in a certain amount of time does not mean you are not entitled to take all the time you need to recover. This is your recovery. This is your process. He sounds like such a great guy, but he just needs a few reminders on things that don't naturally occur to him.
__________________
Jun 06-Dec 06: TTC au naturale. OPK's, BBT's, Ovulex, Vitex= No O.
Dec 06: Official PCOS dx. Duhh!!
Jan 07: Provera, 50 mg Clomid = No O.
Feb-Mar 07: 100 mg Clomid= Late O, but BFN.
Apr 07: 100 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = Late O, but BFN.
May 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
July 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
Aug 07: 200 mg Clomid= No O.
Sep 07- Nov 07: On a TTC Break.
Dec 07: Gonal-f and IUI cycle = BFN
March 08: Waiting to start IVF, but O'd on my own after weight loss!!!!
April 08: TTC with clomid 100 mg= BFN....but happy I o'd again!!!
June 08: Consult with RE to start Gonal-F and IUI cycle.
July 08; Gonal-f and IUI cycle=Cancelled. Too many follies. E2 too high.

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  #19  
July 28th, 2008, 03:01 PM
Angel_Maker
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Thanks so much for the support...I wasn't at all expecting this sort of response

I hope it doesn't seem like I am constantly lashing out at him (although I guess it SHOULD seem that way, since I only post about it when I'm already fuming...) But PLEASE know that I have spent countless hours, days, weeks, MONTHS, trying to express to him my heartache and what I NEED FROM HIM to help my healing....

He IS a great person, he is a great friend, and he will be a great father one day, but right now, he is FAILING miserably in the husband department....

Do you know that he left the house TWO HOURS before he actually had to go to work just to "get away from me"-those were his exact words-

Then on his way home, he calls me to tell me that he doesn't want me at the house when he gets home, so my friend and I go to a restuarant and have a drink....so he calls me later to tell me that I can come home now b/c he's leaving the house

So I asked him when he was coming home and he said he didn't know....that was the end of the conversation.....
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  #20  
July 28th, 2008, 06:48 PM
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I am so sorry that you are going through all this. My marriage really deteriorated after my multiple miscarriages, his family were always really rude and cold to me and I did not like his mother at all. We would fight all the time about his family. I really hope you have a better outcome then we did as we ended in divorce but he has been able to move on and have a new family and I have made my family. I remember how alone and issolated I felt with him while we were dealing with loss of babies and inability to get pregnant. I hope that there is some healing soon and your relationship is able to be repared and grow stronger.
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