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Okay, I don't know if the Clomid is hitting me or if this is just normal TTC emotional crap or what but it all started hitting me last night. I had been feeling fairly optimistic and happy for about a week and now it's gone again.
I was thinking about watching my niece and how much I love her, but I still know it will be different when I have my own. Because, I'll have that bond from carrying them inside of me, knowing they are my baby and loving them so much from the get go.
And that got me thinking about my back up plan. I want to be a mom no matter what and my plan in the back of my mind has always been that if I can't have bio kids, then I would adopt. And that created kind of a safe feeling, like even if I don't get pregnant/have a baby, it will still be okay.
Well now I feel like that's NOT okay. I want with all my heart to get to have that bond while I'm pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy again and have it turn out the "right" way. I want all the things I didn't get to have with Thomas. I want little baby kicks and a baby shower and a big tummy and giving birth and breastfeeding and tiny little newborn feet. I want them so much and all I can think about is "what if I never get that?"
I know logically it's not even close to the end of the road for us. We still have a couple years of trying ahead of us before I'd consider stopping TTC. It's just hard to have faith right now that my dream will ever come true. I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick over and over (whether that's true or not) and I'm not able to believe right now that it will ever happen for me. And it is breaking my heart.
Location: Winston-Salem, NC (Home of the Krispy Kreme!)
I am so there with you. Everywhere I go pregnant people are everywhere. Babies are everywhere. It's like everyone is pregnant but me. Yesterday we were at lunch and a pregnant lady came in. And then a lady with two little ones and then another couple with an infant. I almost wanted to get up and leave.
Sorry to ramble. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm on Clomid too.
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad today Don't give up and try not to focus too much on the "what if it never happens" part (even though I know it's really hard not to) it will happen for you and there's something to be said for the powers of positive thinking.
I know it's so hard to stay optimistic, but you and I have both been pregnant before, which means that we CAN get pregnant, so chances are GREAT that it will happen again.
I wish I knew (for the sake of us both) what God considers the "perfect conditions" for it to happen again....I think about my boys, and I cherish every moment I spent with them, but I want it again. And like you, I don't know if I'll be "OK" if I never have it. I would definitely adopt, and I know in my heart that the time would come when I would look at my adopted child and feel as if they were my own flesh and blood-but I don't think anything can ever compare to the bond I had with Asher and Noah.
There are just so many things about the connection I had with those boys that cannot be explained....for example, even in early u/s when there was only "one" baby, I always felt in my heart there was twins...
And all along I thought I would have a boy, once I found out they were twins, I felt certain they were BOTH boys (even though 70% of Conjoined Twins are girls)
I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a great big hug and let you know that everything will be ok....
I am so sorry you are feeling down. I have a good feeling that the clomid is going to do it's job this cycle! I think we have all been there with that thinking. There is nothing wrong with feeling like that. If we didn't, we wouldn't try like crazy to get pregnant and go through all we do to get there. I'll be thinking about you.
Oh Shannon, I could have written that post word for word. I was having the worst day yesterday so on my way home from work I turned my radio way up and sang totally off key to it to try and make myself feel better! I ended up bursting into tears and having to pull off the road.
I think the Clomid makes those feelings to much more intense so if you would normally be a little bummed now on clomid it's the end of the world. It will happen for you!! All of us in here will persevere and be mommies some day!! I just hope it's soon!
Oh Shannon, I am so sorry you are feeling down. I was just telling DH the other day that getting pregnant should be like getting married. That all you had to do was go to the courthouse 30 days before you wanted to be pregnant, sign a few papers, and PRESO! I hope you start feeling more positive soon.
I am so sorry that you have to go through all this. I do know a bunch of people that has been on clomid and gotten ill with a bug or something and it ended up being their month!! So Good luck hope you get your BFP this month!!
I came into this month feeling so great just knowing this was my month and I think the clomid kicked in on me I have been sad the last few days too but, I go to my RE Tues. the new one and he is a good luck charm so to speak so I really feel like this month is my month!!
I know you will be a great mommie to your own baby one day no matter what it takes you will be able to be prego again!!!