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Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
January 14th, 2009, 08:36 AM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: The Land of Infertility
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Hi girls! I've been trying to post more regularly here, so now I have a question... For those who work, have you told your employer what is going on?

Basically, I haven't had to go in for many appointments besides an occasional bloodtest or followup with my doctor. Those are easy to 'disguise' as doctor appointments, ya know? Well, Friday I have my HSG, and I had to tell my bosses something... so I told them I was having a procedure done at the Women's Hospital in Pittsburgh- which gives them a clue into not asking me what it's all about. (They are all men- the 2 owners and ops manager). This is where the situation gets a little different. My Ops Manager is my FIL. He does NOT know we are TTC, and I really planned on keeping it that way. BUT, I just think that I'd get more understanding from him (and the other bosses in general because they are family men) if they sort of know what's going on. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he knew what was going on (he and my MIL are divorced, so she still wouldn't find out and I want everything to be a BIG surprise for her especially). I mean, how am I going to be able to get time off for IUI, or other appointments, or u/s's, more than I have?

I don't know, maybe it's a silly question, but I'd love to know what you working ladies have done.. do your bosses know why you have lots of appointments? I'm interested in what most of you did.
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Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 41 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
IVF#3/FET#2 (November 2014) Transferred two perfect blasts- First BFP Ever.

BABY BOY- 7/13/15 @ 34 weeks 6 days

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  #2  
January 14th, 2009, 08:54 AM
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For me, I found it best to keep my MA to a few trusted friends(1 actually and my sister), but I work at a comprehensive clinic with 72 employees. My manager is starting MA but I decided that I would tell her what I felt she needed to know. Nothing about my MA but information in general. My manager, on the other hand, felt comftorable telling quit a few people, which I think may come back to hunt her because everyone has an opinion about MA especially in a medical setting. I hope you do what you feel is best. KUP
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  #3  
January 14th, 2009, 09:31 AM
KMH KMH is offline
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I hid it at first...but when we decided to do IUIs, I had to miss a business trip. I felt like I owed a good explanation to my boss, because any old dr. appt. wouldn't be a reason to miss an important trip. I explained to him that we were trying to start a family and that we had met some challenges that we didn't expect. I started apologizing for having to miss work and he told me to stop...that it was fine whenever I needed time off from work.

Turns out my boss and his wife weren't able to have kids (in the past he had made comments that made me think they just didn't want any)! They tried and went through a bunch of testing, but no one could ever find a reason for their infertility, either. This was 30 years ago, so they really didn't have a lot of options. He has been 110% supportive through all my dr. appointments and missed work, and I will be forever grateful for that.

I think, especially since your boss is related to you, you should go ahead and tell him. You don't have to give any gory details, but I think he would be happy to let you have the time off if you just explained that you needed to attend some dr. appointments because you were trying to start a family. Good luck!

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  #4  
January 14th, 2009, 09:37 AM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for your info. I guess I should add that only a few people in my life know as well (only 2 coworkers whom I trust completely, my Mom, and 2 close friends), and my company is very small and business owned (only about 15 employees).

Quote:
I hid it at first...but when we decided to do IUIs, I had to miss a business trip. I felt like I owed a good explanation to my boss, because any old dr. appt. wouldn't be a reason to miss an important trip. I explained to him that we were trying to start a family and that we had met some challenges that we didn't expect. I started apologizing for having to miss work and he told me to stop...that it was fine whenever I needed time off from work.

Turns out my boss and his wife weren't able to have kids (in the past he had made comments that made me think they just didn't want any)! They tried and went through a bunch of testing, but no one could ever find a reason for their infertility, either. This was 30 years ago, so they really didn't have a lot of options. He has been 110% supportive through all my dr. appointments and missed work, and I will be forever grateful for that.

I think, especially since your boss is related to you, you should go ahead and tell him. You don't have to give any gory details, but I think he would be happy to let you have the time off if you just explained that you needed to attend some dr. appointments because you were trying to start a family. Good luck![/b]
That's good to know, and I'm glad it worked out in your favor too! I guess I just wondered how much I should say. See, my DH just got new bosses in January (his company was bought out, long story shortened), and he was going to ask for Friday off. Before he even had the chance to ask for the half day, one of the bosses asked him how long we'd been married and then (OF COURSE) if we had any kids. That gave him a little opportunity to put it out there that we have been trying for a while and had to meet with a specialist on Friday... that's how he put it. It worked for him because it seems like a lot of folks are so forgiving when it comes to not being able to conceive. I think a lot of people probably take it for granted.

Oh well, that was sort of off subject, but it worked out for him, so I think I might need to do the same. I might wait until after the HSG just to see what we might be dealing with as far as appointments and such.

Thanks so much for the insight!
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Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 41 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
IVF#3/FET#2 (November 2014) Transferred two perfect blasts- First BFP Ever.

BABY BOY- 7/13/15 @ 34 weeks 6 days

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  #5  
January 14th, 2009, 11:22 AM
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Quote:
Thanks for your info. I guess I should add that only a few people in my life know as well (only 2 coworkers whom I trust completely, my Mom, and 2 close friends), and my company is very small and business owned (only about 15 employees).

Oh well, that was sort of off subject, but it worked out for him, so I think I might need to do the same. I might wait until after the HSG just to see what we might be dealing with as far as appointments and such.

Thanks so much for the insight![/b]
I think that's a good plan. My dh works with a very small company that is family owned. He's an honorary Italian cousin, he's dominican(hehehehehe), so they have been so supportive. Luckily, my cylce have had crucial dates fall on the weekend, so with all the injects/iui I only had to miss 2 hours last week and the iui was on Saturday.
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  #6  
January 14th, 2009, 01:04 PM
Angel_Maker
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Because of my previous 2nd trimester loss, it's nearly impossible to keep all of this a "secret". I'm a teacher, so I frequently need to get a sub to cover my class during doctor appts.

Ironically, my principal also lost twins boys...one was lost at 18wks (stillborn) and the 2nd was lost at 22 wks.....she is INCREDIBLY understanding of my situation and makes accomodations for me WHENEVER she can!

DH and I have been TTC for OVER 2 years, so pretty much everyone knows that we're using MA. We are not releasing the details of our FET because if it DOES fail, we don't want to talk about it
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  #7  
January 14th, 2009, 01:24 PM
Celry's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I kept it from work at first, but eventually told my manager as I felt like I was becoming more and more flaky. I came up with excuses to get out of more than one business excuse and I wasn't able to make meetings too far out or I'd end up canceling them for appointments. While he's a horrible manager, my boss is a great person and he was amazing when I told him. He had known something was up since I was in and out of work so much. He was supportive before I told him, but was extremely accommodating of my schedule once he knew why I was so screwy.
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  #8  
January 14th, 2009, 01:55 PM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks again for the input, ladies. It helps me in knowing how they have reacted and helped you out. I think my boss would be the same way. They know "something" is up with me, but not the extent yet. I had what we thought was a burst cyst a few months ago (which turns out is probably endo since it all happened again last month), and I missed a day and a half of work. I did let them know that I had cysts and it was very painful. I was glad they didn't want to know any more after that, and that's probably what they think I'm getting checked out on Friday. If it has to go further, such as a lap, etc, I think I'll bring them into the big "secret".
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Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 41 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
IVF#3/FET#2 (November 2014) Transferred two perfect blasts- First BFP Ever.

BABY BOY- 7/13/15 @ 34 weeks 6 days

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  #9  
January 14th, 2009, 03:39 PM
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Hey Jackie-that's a tough one...and I debated over the decision as well. I think the decision may be especially difficult for you because a. your bosses are guys (and it may be an awkward convo) and b. one is your fil. Do you have a good relationship with your fil?

As for me-I did end up telling both my bosses (I'm a school psychologist split between two schools). I think it may have been easier for me though because both principals are women and have children of their own. So I think they understand the deep desire to have kids. One of my bosses had a sister who even did injectibles-so she knows what her sister went through. BTW-sister did end up having kids I found that just being straight with them made it so much easier when having to go in for IUI's, bloodwork, folliscans and the baseline appointments. Plus-they're pretty good about letting me arrive a bit late or leave a bit early. It's really helped having them know...and I trust that they will keep quiet about everything. The other major reason for telling them both is that, in my line of work, it sometimes becomes necessary to physically restrain children. When I'm pregnant-I don't want to take any unnecessary chances-so performing holds will be out for me.

Good luck and let us know what you decide/how it goes!
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  #10  
January 14th, 2009, 04:06 PM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Hey Jackie-that's a tough one...and I debated over the decision as well. I think the decision may be especially difficult for you because a. your bosses are guys (and it may be an awkward convo) and b. one is your fil. Do you have a good relationship with your fil?
Good luck and let us know what you decide/how it goes![/b]
Thanks for the advice and for sharing your story! To answer your question, yes, my FIL have a good relationship... but we're not super tight (reference divorce from MIL about 6 years ago). Do I think he'll really want to have grandkids some day?? Absolutely! So I definitely think I'd get a little sympathy from him... As for the other 2 bosses (they are brothers and both totally family men), it'd actually be an easy conversation, and I was sitting down having a long chat with one of them later today and almost spilled the beans. I can tell he knows there is "something" going on in my life, but I'm just not ready to share that. I do think, after reading everyone's experiences and such, that I will tell them all (all 3 bosses) what's going on once the HSG results come back. If the results are good, but I get those pains again with AF, I'll have to tell them, because a lap would keep me out of the office for a few days anyway. I'm in a managerial position myself (we're a small company though, like I mentioned), so I think they will be giving. I just didn't know whether I was crazy or not for wanting to spill the beans to the bosses. You ladies have put my mind at ease... and I thank you SO much for that!
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Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 41 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
IVF#3/FET#2 (November 2014) Transferred two perfect blasts- First BFP Ever.

BABY BOY- 7/13/15 @ 34 weeks 6 days

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  #11  
January 14th, 2009, 06:58 PM
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You've already gotten a lot of input but I just wanted to add that because of the line of work that I'm in my boss knew right away. I work at the Humane Society - lots of cat boxes, heavy lifting, restaint... a lot of things I have to avoid, even in the 2ww. He is super understanding and actually really curious about what's going on and often asks questions. I'd say everyone at my work and all of our family and friends know that we have been trying for 18 months and now have to do MA. It's been nice for me personally because I feel like I have a huge support system and I don't get the... "So when are you going to start a family" or "Why dont' you guys have kids yet?" questions which get old really quick. People just know what's going on and know that I"ll fill them in with the stuff they need to know.

Hope you can work things out at work and everything goes smoothly have the talk with your FIL!
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  #12  
January 15th, 2009, 05:53 AM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
You've already gotten a lot of input but I just wanted to add that because of the line of work that I'm in my boss knew right away. I work at the Humane Society - lots of cat boxes, heavy lifting, restaint... a lot of things I have to avoid, even in the 2ww. He is super understanding and actually really curious about what's going on and often asks questions. I'd say everyone at my work and all of our family and friends know that we have been trying for 18 months and now have to do MA. It's been nice for me personally because I feel like I have a huge support system and I don't get the... "So when are you going to start a family" or "Why dont' you guys have kids yet?" questions which get old really quick. People just know what's going on and know that I"ll fill them in with the stuff they need to know.

Hope you can work things out at work and everything goes smoothly have the talk with your FIL![/b]
Thanks for the info! It's really great to have a nice support system. We're in our 14th month of trying, but most of the family isn't too "tipped off" that we've even been trying. The benefit we had was ALWAYS stating we had a 5 year rule (5 years of marriage- no kids, no pets). Our 5 year anniversary is in October, so obviously we didn't stick to it, but the family doesn't need to know that! LOL- at least that helps with the "when are the kids coming" questions. There are certain people I work with that I wouldn't want to know, honestly, because they are too nosey. I don't think it would get any further than the bosses, and I think I'm much more comfortable telling them now, after this stupid thing tomorrow!

Thanks again ladies!!
__________________
Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 41 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
IVF#3/FET#2 (November 2014) Transferred two perfect blasts- First BFP Ever.

BABY BOY- 7/13/15 @ 34 weeks 6 days

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  #13  
January 15th, 2009, 07:46 AM
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I think that it really depends on your relationship with your employer. As you've seen we've got all types of responses. DH and I have been TTC with two miscarriages since May 2006, it's been a long hard road. I'm a full time student now, and I work part time as a bank teller. I decided to talk to my employers as well as my professors because I'm going to end up missing time if for nothing else the retrieval and the transfer. My managers and everybody I work with are awesome, and they all are very supportive of our adventure into IVF. Yesterday was my first day back for the Spring semester, and I have told all but one of my professors so far (the last one will be this afternoon). My professors seem to be accepting my news well, and hopefully will not remove points if I have to miss a class or two (most of them are REALLY strict on attendance, so much so that one of them deducts your final grade by 5% if you miss more than one class! YIKES!!!!)

I figure the best thing to do for me is to let it be known what's happening, so there are no surprises when/if I have to call out or not show up for a class because of an important appointment/procedure.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

~Gail
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  #14  
January 15th, 2009, 08:12 PM
babybatax2's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had to tell my employer. I am nanny, so I am little more personal with my boss then most. I just started on Monday and I was late today for an RE consult. I had to tell her what was going on and I really didn't want to. Needless to say she has little sympathy and wasnt happy I was late. It sucks because next week I might be late and the week after. Not sure how long this job will last.
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  #15  
January 17th, 2009, 09:56 AM
richmond_girl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Jackie - sorry I'm late to the game! Sounds like you got some great advice. I have not yet told my boss, but I'm pretty fortunate in that my job is really flexible and I can come/go whenever I want. If I'm running late to a meeting or something b/c an appt ran over, I just call my assistant and she covers for me until I can get back to work. Once we start IVF next week and I have to go to the RE every other day plus take off time for work after the retrieval/transfer, I may say something to my boss, but probably not. I'm sure he would be 100% understanding and supportive of my situation, but I'm just weird about people knowing my personal business. No one IRL knows what's going on except for my BF and DH's sister.

Good luck whatever you decide!
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