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Family members unsupportive of IVF baby?


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  #1  
December 3rd, 2009, 02:48 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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I'll try and be careful so this post doesn't turn into a novel

We have been very open about our infertility and IVF...except to DH's Mom. She doesn't even know we were TTC! She is very unique, to say the least, and for reasons that I won't go into on here, isn't really a part of our lives. We see her on holidays because we feel obligated, and DH calls her every few weeks, but that's about it. She has no respect for us as adults; she still treats DH like a child.

We both strongly suspect that she will be very upset that we have conceived a child thru IVF, and we aren't really sure how to approach telling her. I really don't want to tell her, but she lives in a small town with all our other family/friends from childhood, and word will get back to her eventually.

Did any of the rest of you girls face this situation with anyone? How did you break the news? Any words of wisdom?
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  #2  
December 3rd, 2009, 03:07 PM
Kellica's Avatar Super Mommy
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My parents have no idea I went through IVF. When I m/c'd Aug of 08 there reaction was very upsetting. DF and I arent married yet and they couldn't believe I got pg without being married (they are obviously old school) Plus I am 40 and they think "I should be happy with what I have and end this ridiculous need" Well, since then I have told them NOTHING about what I have been going through. Not even my 2nd m/c.

I just had a conversation with my friend today about how I was going to tell them. I'm basically telling them that ...
1 - I do not have to be married to have a baby
2 - I am not too old
3 - I am a grown woman and can make my own rational decisions
and 4 - If they do not want to support my happiness then it will be there loss because I will not chase after them to see there grandchild (they only live 10 min away)

I will be doing this in person and feel that if I address there concerns first and let them know that there opinions never changed my mind. What else are they going to say? I will do this as respectful as possible, being that they are my parents.

I feel that as long as they know I don't really care what they think, they will accept this better this time around. Why do you think she would be upset about conceiving thru IVF? Religion?

Just remember, it's YOUR life not hers! Your happiness matters most here! I know you will find a respectable way to tell her. Good luck!
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  #3  
December 3rd, 2009, 04:13 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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She will be upset for two reasons, and one is religious. Neither DH nor I were raised Catholic, but she converted after DH and I were married. She will not think that it is ethical to create a family this way when we could have adopted.

She will also be upset because she will feel left out. She is VERY self-centered, and wants to be involved in everything. This won't be something she is involved in at all, and she'll think (as she has in the past) that DH is choosing me over her. She doesn't see that he grew up, got married, and now has his own family...she still sees him as "her baby." Gag!

I think you are probably right that a direct approach will be best. We aren't looking for her opinions or approval...we already made the decisions that were best for our family. She can be happy and supportive of us, or not...I guess that's up to her. Like you said, if she wants to be angry about it, that's her loss. We have tons of other family/friends that are thrilled for us, so it's not like Pokey won't be showered with love and attention

Thanks for listening...it helps to talk it out and also to know I'm not the only one who is facing this scenario! Good luck telling your parents, Gail...I hope we are both pleasantly surprised by the reactions we get
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  #4  
December 3rd, 2009, 04:55 PM
Kellica's Avatar Super Mommy
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I will not be telling them until I hear see the heartbeat. I want to make sure things are on the right track first. And I won't even mention IVF. I will just be telling them that it was a long process and I saw doctors and had procedures done, but I achieved what I dreamed of. My brother also has the same issues. He doesn't care for my DF and we had our one and only blow out in our life last New Years eve and we haven't spoken since. It's tough being part of a family that's torn apart, but I just keep thinking that it's my needs and wants, not there's. They don't walk in my shoes. I wish it was different though.

My mother treats my brother like the "golden child" too. (he is 39!) It makes me sick how she treats him over my sister and I. It's pretty pathetic if you ask me. If I was my brothers wife I would tell my mother to back off!

And like you said, I've got plenty of friends that are more like family to me that know about the IVF and are supportive 110% They already know I'm pg and couldn't be happier for me. I'm hoping to tell my parents before christmas eve. That's when my whole family gets together at my parents house. I'd rather make the announcement befoe that night.

Sorry for the novel!
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  #5  
December 3rd, 2009, 05:11 PM
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DH's father is Catholic and told us on several occasions that obviously god does not want us to have a child. Yet, he gave us the money for IVF. Go figure.
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  #6  
December 3rd, 2009, 05:58 PM
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Well, if we have to go IVF, no one in our family will know. It's none of their business and I don't want them to feel like they have to treat us or baby any different than if baby were conceived without MA. Our family is all at least 650 miles away, so it's not like it won't be easy to hide.

And, like Gail, no matter how we conceive (which we'll keep secret), we won't be sharing the news until we're out of the first trimester and all looks as good as it can!
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  #7  
December 3rd, 2009, 06:10 PM
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I have several Catholic family members and am dealing with similar issues. I have almost posted about this a few times myself but it is a sensitive topic and I try to respect people's religious beliefs even if I don't feel the same way.

I posted in another thread that I will not be telling my MIL about our IVF. She has offered to pay for dh to get a vasectomy behind my back and I know how she would feel about this. I keep lots of things from her. Life is just easier that way.
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  #8  
December 3rd, 2009, 06:19 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pattyandthemoos View Post
I keep lots of things from her. Life is just easier that way.
I would love to be able to do that, but I know in that small town, word will get around. I think it would be better for her to hear it from us than for her to hear it from someone at the bank or a neighbor.

I'm glad I posted...sounds like this is a pretty common thing to have to deal with after all.
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  #9  
December 3rd, 2009, 06:29 PM
pattyandthemoos's Avatar Administrator
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KMH View Post
I would love to be able to do that, but I know in that small town, word will get around. I think it would be better for her to hear it from us than for her to hear it from someone at the bank or a neighbor.

I'm glad I posted...sounds like this is a pretty common thing to have to deal with after all.
I understand. Honestly, my MIL has lots of issues with our choices. She tried to buy a bed for Jeremy because we were co-sleeping and she didn't approve. She fed Angie a bottle of formula while I was working after I gave her specific instructions on how to warm up her breast milk and then proceeded to tell me how much Angie just loved loved loved the formula. She hates that we homeschool. Kelly used to keep this from her. We finally just told her and she can deal with it. Good God can you hear all my issues coming out.... (Of course it doesn't help that Patty is so non-mainstream!)

The last time she was up here I was just real straight forward with her and told her we would probably have another baby. I am a pretty direct person. Dh, on the other hand, is non-confrontational and tries to avoid these issues rather than face them head on. I don't have any problems telling my own parents to stick it when they are out of line but dh kicks me under the table and stuff like that if I get too outspoken with his folks. Anyway, if I thought there was a chance she would find out about this I would just tell her face to face and tell her you don't have to like it but that is the way it is.
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  #10  
December 3rd, 2009, 06:54 PM
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My aunt and uncle are VERY conservative, fundamentalist born-again Christians. My aunt and I are close and she knows about our MA, but I haven't really delved into details with her and she has, thankfully, not asked.

One of my cousins (their son) is uber-conservative, as well. We were all on vacation together last March and we were talking about him in medical school and what kind of field he wanted to go into, etc. I said something about thinking that reproductive medicine was fascinating and would be very rewarding and he launched into this whole thing about how IVF is unethical, what do you do with the leftover embies, it's not up to MAN to create life, etc. He said anyone going through infertility should adopt. I'm NOT knocking adoption AT ALL--but I just think it is a personal decision and I don't think being "infertile" means you should automatically take that path. I think it's up to each individual couple to make that choice on what is right for them at that time.

Melissa, I think you are right in being direct with kooky MIL. I wouldn't lie about it or anything because it's nothing to be ashamed of--and personally I think an IVF baby is something to be PROUD of! EVERY child is a miracle, but it's a miracle in itself that these modern technologies are available to us "infertile myrtles." I think it will be neat to explain to our children one day what legnths we went to to get them---and how WANTED and longed for they were!

Who cares what MIL thinks---at least she is not someone you guys are "close to." Don't let her opinion take away any of your happiness!
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  #11  
December 4th, 2009, 05:36 AM
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I have no words of wisdom but wanted to offer support...
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  #12  
December 4th, 2009, 07:31 AM
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I'm sorry, that must be tough for you.

When DH and I started our IVF journey, we did tell our families. They already knew that there was no way we could have a baby without it (from diagnosis in my 20s), so when I did end up pregnant, they were going to know anyway.

They were somewhat supportive, although pretty hands off - they basically just left us to do our thing, which I was fine with. My mother on a few occasions tried to talk me out of it. I had two m/c before having my son and after the 2nd one she thought I should just give up. In her defence, I think it was just her way of trying to help because I was in so much emotional pain. Thankfully I didn't listen to her or I wouldn't have my son today.

In your situation, with a MIL that is that ignorant about it, I probably wouldn't say anything. If she's not thrilled with a grandchild, regardless of how it's conceived, then that'll be her problem.
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  #13  
December 4th, 2009, 01:57 PM
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I hope that things go better than you expect... but you are right. You have plenty of other people surrounding you and supporting your right now! Just don't forget that!
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