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Adoption ? open semi or closed adoption xpost


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
December 26th, 2009, 03:38 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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To the ladies considering,already in the process or have adopted. Do you plan on having an open,semi open or closed adoption. Will you tell the child from the start or wait until later? If you have adopted are you having the type of relationship you had hoped with the birth mom/family?

Im hoping to have an open adoption with our daughters biological family especially if she has siblings. To us its important to let them know their history/family from the start so there arent questions and surprises later on. I found a website that has an adoption story book..you can order it and it will put your child's name as the main character..helps them understand from an early age their adoption story.

2 of my cousins are adopted..1st one was not told about the adoption until his teen years (he was told when they started adopting a little girl)..it did not go well ..there were many years of pulling back from us (said we werent his family and he didnt want us as family, started getting in to a lot of trouble at school) and his parents and just a general distrust. He has grown past those feelings now but it took him a long time..about 10yrs.

His sister knew from the get go and my aunt had a semi open relationship..pictures lettters ect. My cousin has never had issues with her adoption like her older brother did.

We will have an easier time of explaining since our daughter will be older and will be from foster care so she will already know her biological family and that she is adopted.

As long as her bio family respects our boundaries and the situation then we will maintain contact maybe a visit once a year and pictures and letters throughout the year.


What are you plans and/or expectations for your child's adoption?
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Last edited by *CAMM*; December 26th, 2009 at 03:57 PM.
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  #2  
December 26th, 2009, 04:04 PM
Angel_Maker
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With the program we are going through, it will pretty much be a completely closed adoption. They will not know our last names or where we live.....we will completely dictate the amount of communication. Considering that we will be adopting Brewer from a situation in which he was being neglected or his parents were charged with a serious crime, I can't imagine that we will want Brewer to have much contact. My FIL was adopted and his was a completely closed adoption and he said he wouldn't want it any other way......I guess it all depends on your adoptive family and how you are brought up...I'm sure Brewer will have questions, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it I think open adoptions are a wonderful thing, but I just don't think it will work in our adoption situation =D
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  #3  
December 26th, 2009, 04:13 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Brandi, we are adopting in a similar way as you so I understand where you are coming from. We are keeping in mind the situation that caused our child to be removed by CPS and it will be a factor in the amount of contact. Since our kiddo will be from the same county as us it is highly likely that we will "run into" the biological family some time or another so we are trying to keep an open mind as to the amount of "official" contact we will be comfortable with.

We also want to keep in contact with any siblings whether they are in another adopted family or with the bio family.

So while Im hoping to maintain some contact with the bios for our daughter's sake I'm also prepared to not have much contact if its not healthy and destructive to our own family bonds.
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  #4  
December 26th, 2009, 04:19 PM
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Do you plan on having an open,semi open or closed adoption? I think almost 99% of adoptions in my state are open or semi-open. We'd be hard pressed to find a agency that will do a closed adoption for us. We plan on having an open or semi-open adoption. Like Brandi said, I think it's different depending on the reason a child is put up for adoption. When a parents rights are terminated because the state mandates it, there might be good cause to not allow the parents to have contact with their child anymore, especially in abuse type situations. I think for us, adopting a newborn will put us in a much different category. We will have gone through something so incredibly personal with a person or family. I can't imagine after going through it all that we won't have some kind of special bond that will help foster the kind of relationship we both want.

Will you tell the child from the start or wait until later? We will always be open about the fact that our child is adopted. We don't want to have any secrets. I don't want our child to think we are ashamed of him/her, and that's what I feel might happen.

What are you plans and/or expectations for your child's adoption? In my dreams, it is the most beautiful thing that we will do in our lives. I doubt I will forget a single moment of it all. My family this weekend, when we told them our plans, asked if I'd miss being pregnant. I can't miss something I haven't experienced yet. And even so, I think going through an adoption will give me the ups and downs that I might experience throughout a pregnancy. That's why they call it "paper-pregnant" right
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  #5  
December 26th, 2009, 04:20 PM
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Christin, our little man will be coming from somewhere in South Florida, so we won't have to worry about running into family. I imagine that if there are other siblings involved, that I will want to try and work around that because I believe that the sibling bond is very important. However, if Brewer is an only child, I may only do the bare minimum in regards to keeping in touch with the family---but again, that all depends on the circumstances surrounding the adoption......only time will tell
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  #6  
December 26th, 2009, 04:43 PM
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a lot of the children in our area are removed because of neglect..its usually due to severe poverty ..no jobs..drugs...poor living conditions and the parents loose their rights after not working their case plan..ie..not getting job, continued drug use ect.

If our kiddo was removed because of severe abuse..broken bones, molestation ect then we wouldnt continue contact after the adoption. Just because of the traumatic experience and it would surely bring those memories right back up to continue contact.


Kari- i think my aunt and uncle really regretted their decision to keep silent about my cousin's adoption....I had NO CLUE he was adopted until I was 11 (he was 12)!! I feel the same as you (that if we hid it it might mean were were ashamed)
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  #7  
December 26th, 2009, 06:19 PM
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I can't adopt (because I have MS, stupid system I am allowed to make babies but I'm not well enough to adopt them ). However a good friend of mine recently participated in an open adoption (she's the birth mother) and she just cannot say enough good things about them. Both she and the baby's adopted parents are super happy with the arrangement. She is now involved in counseling birth mothers and adoptive parents, and always recommends open adoptions.

My cousin is adopted, and while I don't know if it is open or not, he has known he was adopted since he can remember and he's pretty well adjusted as a result.

In the case of foster care adoptions and other adoptions where a birth parent's rights are actually terminated, it is almost always a rule that there is to be no contact with the birth parents. I used to be a foster care caseworker, and I only know of one case where that was not true, and it was only because it was 10 years post adoption, the birth mother had petitioned the court for contact and everyone had agreed to it because she had turned her life around. In every other case no contact was permitted.
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  #8  
December 26th, 2009, 06:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccabaltimore View Post
\
In the case of foster care adoptions and other adoptions where a birth parent's rights are actually terminated, it is almost always a rule that there is to be no contact with the birth parents. I used to be a foster care caseworker, and I only know of one case where that was not true, and it was only because it was 10 years post adoption, the birth mother had petitioned the court for contact and everyone had agreed to it because she had turned her life around. In every other case no contact was permitted.
Here we are encouraged to have a relationship with the birth family while we are fostering their child so that we can help them AND continue a relationship in the future although it will be up to Zeb and I if we want too.

my best friend is a foster mom adopting her 4yr old foster daughter and there is contact with the birth family even though the parents rights were terminated 2yrs ago.

Im part of a foster adoption community and its hard to believe but some of the adoptive parents had to agree to keep visitations between the birth family and child before they were granted adoption. Quite a few of them keep visitations just because they feel comfortable doing so not because they have too.
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  #9  
December 26th, 2009, 06:46 PM
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I usually just lurk, but wanted to answer as someone who's already adopted after infertility.

We have a completely closed adoption. The kids' bio mom knows they were adopted together, but that's all. They were removed from the home due to severe abuse (not on the mother's part but on the father's) so they have no contact at all. We are very open about the fact that they were adopted though and celebrate their adoption day (Valentines day) every year. At the moment, because they are a bit young yet, all the kids know is that their bio parents could not take care of them and they were sent to their foster parents while we were getting ready for them. I've told the kids that they are very lucky to have two sets of parents, their bio parents and their real parents (us.) They love talking about it and are very comfortable with it. I imagine that some time in the future, I will have to take out the records and it will be tough. I have all the medical/legal records. Hundreds of pages for them to sift through. And it will be hard for them. There's even pics of them from the hospital after they were removed. But I think it's important for them, when they are old enough to handle it, to know exactly what happened. I also have gifts that were sent from the maternal grandmother that they will get when they are old enough as well. The mom was just very young (14 when the first was born) and I'm sure the kids may want to find her later. I won't object.

We are lucky that the kids' birth home is across the state from us so we won't be running into the family.

Good luck to all of you going this route. It is such a blessing!
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  #10  
December 26th, 2009, 06:49 PM
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We were looking at adoption and still are considering it. I told DH I would like 4 kids, two of each. We said we'd like open, but if we do foster/adopt and the child has no contact through the foster system we most likely will do closed.

They will know from the get go that they are adopted. My mom's cousin was adopted but wasn't told till he was 25. He had a breakdown and identity issue for a couple years till he came to terms with it. My two nephews and niece are adopted and all three know they are adopted. Granted it's from Guatemala, but all three know they are adopted and their parents are very open about the adoptions and are trying ot find the birth mothers.
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  #11  
December 26th, 2009, 06:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thevictorious6 View Post
I usually just lurk, but wanted to answer as someone who's already adopted after infertility.

We have a completely closed adoption. The kids' bio mom knows they were adopted together, but that's all. They were removed from the home due to severe abuse (not on the mother's part but on the father's) so they have no contact at all. We are very open about the fact that they were adopted though and celebrate their adoption day (Valentines day) every year. At the moment, because they are a bit young yet, all the kids know is that their bio parents could not take care of them and they were sent to their foster parents while we were getting ready for them. I've told the kids that they are very lucky to have two sets of parents, their bio parents and their real parents (us.) They love talking about it and are very comfortable with it. I imagine that some time in the future, I will have to take out the records and it will be tough. I have all the medical/legal records. Hundreds of pages for them to sift through. And it will be hard for them. There's even pics of them from the hospital after they were removed. But I think it's important for them, when they are old enough to handle it, to know exactly what happened. I also have gifts that were sent from the maternal grandmother that they will get when they are old enough as well. The mom was just very young (14 when the first was born) and I'm sure the kids may want to find her later. I won't object.

We are lucky that the kids' birth home is across the state from us so we won't be running into the family.

Good luck to all of you going this route. It is such a blessing!
We plan on keeping all the records too so that she can go through it and understand what happened. I think its a very good idea.

It would be a lot easier on us if the birth family didnt live in our area but I know that wont be possible..our state wants children to be placed with families that are already living in the CHILDS school district. this applies even if they arent in school. If we were just adopting we wouldnt have this stipulation but we are foster to adopt.

thank you for chiming in. I love hearing from moms who have already adopted!!!
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  #12  
December 26th, 2009, 08:52 PM
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Our adoption is legally closed, it is legally completely up to us how much contact we want with bio family, the court file has also been sealed, so if we wanted, nobody would ever know this happened at all. That being said, we were chosen by the bio grandparents so that they could get some info on the babies over their lives. The gp's live near my IL's, 7 hours away, they work together. I email grandma and an aunt, but the bio parents are not emotinally able to get updates. Its awkward, b/c the twins have a sister who is 10 months older than them, and I feel she will need to know of them someday, as they should her. We have already told the boys about 25 times each that they are adopted, it isn't a secret here or something to be ashamed of. The question later on will be how and when to tell the twins the details, but I'll wait until they ask when they're older. Right now I send emails with pics to the gp's and aunt, and I mailed them a Christmas letter with pics. I don't know all the answers, but my children all know that they're loved by us, and that we're their parents. What they choose to do with that later is up to them. I don't know if they'll ever meet their bio parents, but I imagine one day they'll meet their sister; we've even offered to adopt her should the need ever arise. I'd have four kids within 29 months of age, lol!
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  #13  
December 27th, 2009, 08:05 AM
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Ours will be open. Obviously because it's a kinship adoption, there are family ties that can't and won't be hidden. We plan on telling her about her adoption and taking about it at a very early age. It will be a little later when we reveal biological ties, when we decide that she's old enough to understand, but we don't know when that will be until she gets here.....I guess every child grows differently and will understand different things at different ages. We plan on sending pictures often and keeping my niece and her husband involved....we won't see them very often because they live quite a ways away, but we bought my niece a new laptop so that when she's back in GA we have the ability to chat often.

I guess anything can change, and it all depends on how things develop, but that's our plan
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