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Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
March 14th, 2010, 03:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,149
I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought I had reached a decision and had a plan and now everything is so confusing. DH and I never had a single fight through the two IVFs and now we can't even be in the same room as each other. I'm on edge all the time, anxious and then sad. Every time I think about how I'm not going to be pregnant, I get really upset. But the thought of doing another IVF freaks me out so badly. I have no idea what to do and I'm stuck. I don't know what the right thing is right now. So many obstacles instantly went up with the adoption issue that I'm not comfortable writing about on the main board, but it's still a possibility, but one I'm not sure is going to happen right now or in the next two years.

So what to do? What to do? This was my first cycle after the ectopic and everything in my body was back to usual, which means back to bad. I didn't O until CD22 and then got my period just five days later. I don't know why my body acts like this and I know that just progesterone to increase my LP is a bandaid, but not the answer.

Our only option is IVF, but I can't go through that again. I don't think. The thought of doing it and having it fail AND having no frosties kills me. I think that's what makes it so much harder. I see all these people and it fails, but they can then do FET. And I'm not saying that's any easier, but having to start all over again is so hard. Two cycles and not a single embryo worth freezing?

I just don't know. Physically, I feel so much better now. Mentally, I am back focused on work and doing well. But this... I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. And I feel like I'm sitting here as time ticks on by.
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September 2009 IVF - BFN; November IVF -Ec topic Pregnancy; May 2010- IVF cycle- BFN,
July 2010 IVF cycle: BFP - m/c induced at 8 weeks because of no heartbeat
March 2011 IVF: BFP!!!
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  #2  
March 14th, 2010, 03:39 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
I don't even know what to say Addie, I'm just so sorry. I wish there was some way I could give you a real hug in person and we could just cry it all out together.

I'm so sorry about you and your DH fighting. It is so horrible but MA can really do a number on a marriage. Since we have stopped MA, my DH and I have been slowly getting back to where we were.

I wish I had some answers for you, or some wonderful, thoughtful advice. But really, I just want you to know how much I care about you and how difficult this must all be for you and that I haven't stopped thinking about you. I want so badly to take it all away.

HUGS! Love you Addie!
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  #3  
March 14th, 2010, 03:51 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Oh Addie, I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll be honest...I don't have a clue what to say in situations like this. I can't imagine what you had to go through with your ectopic experience, and it stinks that you have had such rotten luck with every reproductive avenue you have tried.

You might try PMing Natalie?!? Maybe this is silly, but just reading her blog and thinking of what she has gone through gives me such hope and strength...she has been through so much, and yet she somehow kept going. Same with Brandi...she has had some awful things happen to her, but she faced her fears and kept going. Compared to them, I feel ill-qualified to even begin to give advice in this area. Perhaps they'll know how to help or what to say at times like these?

I'm sending lots of hugs and warm wishes your way, and I hope things get better soon. I'll be your cheerleader no matter what you decide!
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IVF babies Claire (3), Abigail (1) and George (1)

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  #4  
March 14th, 2010, 04:00 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
Addie, I'm sorry. *hugs* I had three IVF cycles with no frosties before they figured out how to get a couple more good embryos out of me, I know that pain - it feels like everyone else had tons in the freezer after just one cycle, and I had to keep doing stims over and over again. It's physically and emotionally exhausting.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist of some sort? The right one might be able to help you figure out what's the best decision for you, and help you deal with all the anxiety and stress you're under. I'm so sorry you and your hubby are fighting... it's hard not to when you're so stressed out.

Big, huge hugs.
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  #5  
March 14th, 2010, 04:06 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 8,635
Addie- im really sorry. I hate that you are going through this, I really do.

I know how you feel about the IVF's. Every time I did one it was just awful. I never had any to freeze and usually I had only 2 that were even worth transferring. The thought of doing another one made me very anxious, and financially we couldnt risk it again (this was before my ins covered it) I would go back and forth between giving up and going forward...it was the indecision that made me so on edge. I hated not knowing what to do or what I SHOULD do. Dh and I fought constantly, it was a pretty miserable time in my life.


What are your thoughts on embryo donation? I was all for it (and still am) but dh needed more convincing. it was the perfect compromise for me, I could still be pregnant but I didnt have to go through a harsh IVF cycle again. There wasnt all the red tape with adoption either.
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  #6  
March 14th, 2010, 04:13 PM
adnelg775's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,232
Sorry, Addie

I am in no way qualified to give advice, but I hope you can somehow find a solution that will make you happy.
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  #7  
March 14th, 2010, 04:36 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,149
Thank you all so so much. I really just appreciate knowing you guys are there and here.

I have been seeing a fertility therapist and it's been helpful, but has sort of opened up the door to a lot more questions than answers. I think this is normal when you start any type of therapy. DH and I go together every other week, and I go alone. I just don't know what to think.

DH has come back around to wanting to trust our new RE and commit to two more fresh IVF cycles (only because of what's happened with the adoption).

I don't know. Maybe I'll find some answers soon and I know there is hope, I just don't have any.
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September 2009 IVF - BFN; November IVF -Ec topic Pregnancy; May 2010- IVF cycle- BFN,
July 2010 IVF cycle: BFP - m/c induced at 8 weeks because of no heartbeat
March 2011 IVF: BFP!!!
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  #8  
March 14th, 2010, 04:53 PM
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KDD KDD is offline
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Addie I'm so sorry that you are hitting more roadblocks.

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  #9  
March 14th, 2010, 05:23 PM
Angel_Maker
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Posts: n/a
Addie,

I know we've had our different experiences in the world of TTCwMA, but at the end of the day, I do believe that we have experienced similiar heartaches and I just wanted you to know that I have been where you are.....

When DH and I were in the midst of TTC, my dad was in a nursing home dying...when he "finally" died (I say that because he suffered from June 6, 2006-Feb 27, 2007) I told myself...if I could just get pregnant, then everything would be OK....well, we got pregnant with the boys in May 2007.....I thought, "YES!" finally I can move on and have something positive to look forward to. Then in July we got the news that our "baby" was actually non viable conjoined twins.....by August they were gone and it was then that I hit rock bottom.....

I remember being curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my bedroom with all of the lights off just SCREAMING at the top of my lungs.....I remember BEGGING my husband to kill me...yes, I asked my husband to take a knife and stab me because I just couldn't stand being alive.....

I remember when he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Brandi, you need help, and if you don't get help, then I'm leaving...." I was already in therapy, but I started taking Zoloft.....which worsened things for awhile.....

I spent Christmas 2007 miles away from my DH in an empty parking lot, sitting in my car crying on the phone to my best friend.....miserable doesn't even begin to describe it......


From there came visits to the RE....countless failed cycles, a failed IUI, a failed IVF, 3 cancelled FETs, surgery.....and then FINALLY, my pregnancy with Tres....when we discovered that once again we were losing a baby-- I was numb.

I realized then that I had conquered infertility because, although I cried over our loss, I did not allow it to consume me and I was closer to DH during that time instead of pushing him away like I had done with Asher and Noah.

I don't really know what my point is in telling you all of this...I guess I just want you to know that your feelings are validated. And you are NORMAL.....

After my failed IVF, I said I'd never do another one...and I'm sticking by that.....it was just TOO MUCH emotionally and physically...now if it were a guarantee, then of course I'd do it....but it's not worth the gamble.....

Have you contemplated surrogacy? I know we looked into that as well as donor embryos. I know that the adoption process has posed many issues for you, but maybe if you sought a domestic adoption there would be less red tape?

Are you sure IVF is your only option?? I was told that several times, yet I have conceived 3 times without it....and never conceived with it (oh the irony!)

Don't give up on your dream hun.....I believe very strongly that God places desires in our hearts because He knows they will be fulfilled. If you ever need to chat, please PM me
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  #10  
March 14th, 2010, 05:56 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,149
Thank you Brandi. I'm crying because I feel selfish hearing your story and then still feeling sorry for myself. You are so strong and while I thought I had been being so strong, I now feel like I'm falling apart.

I don't know if I could get pregnant on my own. With my LPs being only 5 days when I don't take the progesterone, I think there is something really wrong and no one has figured it out.

My DH has really strong feelings about U.S. adoption. I know I said I wouldn't speak about it on the main board, but the basics are that his family had two adopted siblings and one was taken away years later by the biological mother after the biological father came forward. The toll this took on his family is still evident. DH and his sibling were incredibly close and he has no idea where that person is now and it's something that really changed him. Even when we met with the U.S. adoption people to explain that there can be closed adoptions, he just feels like nothing is guaranteed and he is terrified of that loss again. We talked about it in therapy and it really is a no-go for him. I don't think he could do it.

So I don't know. I need to borrow some strength from you Brandi. Right now, DH says he feels like I'm surrounded by land mines. Everything someone says or does sets me off. The only place I feel normal is at work. There I can just focus and not think.

Thank you all so much. I love you all.

I am not opposed to using donor embroys at all and neither is DH, so that is something we can keep on the table. I think though for him, he'd still like us to try two more times before going that route. I just don't know if I can.
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September 2009 IVF - BFN; November IVF -Ec topic Pregnancy; May 2010- IVF cycle- BFN,
July 2010 IVF cycle: BFP - m/c induced at 8 weeks because of no heartbeat
March 2011 IVF: BFP!!!
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  #11  
March 14th, 2010, 06:28 PM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: The Land of Infertility
Posts: 16,093
I'm just giving you some hugs and letting you know that I'm here to listen as well. I don't know what more to say (you have some pretty awesome girlies that have responded already with some wonderful encouragement), but know that you have another friend in your corner.
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Thank you brie_91 for this fabulous siggy!!
Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 33 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
March 2011- February 2012: On BCP due to endometriosis.

March 2012- taking a few months off of BCP and we are TTC naturally.
We will re-evaluate another IVF w/FET try in 2013.



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  #12  
March 14th, 2010, 07:11 PM
MommaLee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 8,966
Hi Addie. I'm so sorry for what is happening....I have no advice but I just wanted to offer HUGS!
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  #13  
March 15th, 2010, 03:56 AM
Angel_Maker
Guest
Posts: n/a
Addie, I just want you to know that we are all here for you. I understand your fears about Domestic Adoption....they were the same fears we were faced with. That's why we chose this agency/program. Brewer will come from someone whose parental rights have been terminated by the state due to some sort of crime. His parents will never be able to take him away, nor could anyone in his extended family because he will not be allowed contact with his parents. It will be a completely closed adoption. His parents will not know our last names or where we live.

Stay strong Addie And when it comes to your DH and some of the tension in your relationship, I can say this, step outside of yourself for a minute and see that everything you are going through your DH is going through with you...this is because he loves you and he is on your team. I didn't see this during my darkest hours and I came to resent my DH when in reality he was just trying to be there for me....but I was too consumed with grief to see that.....Give him a big ole' hug, tell him you love him, and tell yourself that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS

I love ya girl
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