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The "Who Knows?" thread got me thinking...


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
August 17th, 2010, 07:30 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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How did you guys open up to everyone about what your going through? How does the subject come up? I never realized so many of you girls were so open about your experiences. I only have 2 friends who know about our issues, and a couple family members and recently i've been hearing people opening up more about it and feeling better after doing so. I feel that it may help, and may be good to get it out there so that maybe people are more sensitive. I just dont want to come out and say "We've been trying to have a baby for 17 months, I have a blocked right tube, I take fertility medication, I get sperm injected into me...etc" that may be weird And I'll get all kinds of stares because people will have no idea what im talking about or what any of that means. I know ive mentioned this on here before but im so embarassed about it all and I dont even know how to go about talking about it. I feel like its SUCH intimate stuff that you shouldnt be talking to anyone about it, but then again I feel like I would be sooooo relieved to have it all out on the table. Thoughts? How did you go about telling family/friends?
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Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage)
Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN
Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN
Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN
Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's
Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW




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  #2  
August 17th, 2010, 07:40 AM
~*Jackie*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If it's someone I'm not so close to and they ask about us having kids or whatever, I just still leave it at "we're working on it". I will say though, that the longer time has gone, our comments have changed a bit. After the IVF failed, one of DH's coworkers asked him when it was our turn. DH responded by saying we may not be able to have kids. I was shocked, but you know what, they left him alone after that and it's the TRUTH!!

I know I posted in my journal the other day, but I'll state it here. After reconnecting with DH's old best friend (our groomsman!) this past weekend, and the inevitable "I figured you'd have babies by now" comment came up, DH responded with "it isn't for lack of trying". To which his friend asked if we were having problems. That led us to say yes, and that I had been diagnosed with endometriosis and had an unsuccessful surgery last year to remove it, meaning that we may never be able to have kids. It felt SO good to just be honest for once. No sugar coating, etc. But I wouldn't go through the story with just anyone either. Close family members and close friends would be the only ones for that story. Or a similar story. We've tried artifical insemination and in vitro fertilization (no need to give details more than that! If they want to know- they can look it up!) Otherwise, I think I may just start answering with "we may not be able to have kids" so that I don't get any unsolicited advice from all-knowing ones. I mean, after we've all been TTC for so long, there's not like a grand answer that we just happened to miss to help us get pregnant!
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Thank you brie_91 for this fabulous siggy!!
Our TTC journey: 6 cycles Clomid, lap surgery/ D&C, IUI, 2 x IVF; 33 cycles- BFN.
IVF#1 (March 2010) Transferred two 8-cell grade A (perfect) embies- BFN and heartbroken.

IVF#2/FET#1 (Jan/Feb 2011):Transferred two (7&8 cell) grade A (PERFECT) embies- BFN again.
March 2011- February 2012: On BCP due to endometriosis.

March 2012- taking a few months off of BCP and we are TTC naturally.
We will re-evaluate another IVF w/FET try in 2013.



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  #3  
August 17th, 2010, 07:46 AM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well, first, I want to say I totally understand the feeling of embarrassment from this whole process.
But, in my life, I feel like the more people that know about our situation, the more support we have during this hard time.
But, ultimately it's a person-to-person decision. Some people are more open than others.
I'm sure you will make the right choice for you!
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  #4  
August 17th, 2010, 08:26 AM
tyggrlili25's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am quite honest and blunt with people who ask...but I am also guarded when it comes to people I know wont be supportive. I don't need any negativity in my life right now. But if someone were to ask I would open and honest about it.
Its sad but I think more and more people have issues getting and staying pregnant now days.:-(
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  #5  
August 17th, 2010, 09:14 AM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have never been the kind of person who really has secrets about myself. What you see is what you get. I am a complete open book. I know that it new and strange to some people, but I guess it's just the way God made me. I never feel weird or awkward talking about pretty much, anything! So whenever people would ask about if I had kids, or when was i going to have kids, they would basically get the whole story lol. Most of the time people were really interested, or relieved even, and they would open up about how they, or someone close went through the same thing.
I found it therapeutic to open up and talk about it. Everyone handles it differently though! I get being embarrassed about it, but that's just not me.
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  #6  
August 17th, 2010, 09:17 AM
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After I lost m first, I got really depressed, but I learned that the more I talked about it the faster I was able to move on. So when fertility issues came along, I never held back.
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  #7  
August 17th, 2010, 09:20 AM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sarah- I felt the same way. I was so heart broken, and when people asked about kids, i WANTED them to know that i DID have a child, but he/she was waiting for me in Heaven if felt so good to bring it up. And even after having a live and healthy child i still like to bring up my first.
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  #8  
August 17th, 2010, 09:42 AM
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I got so sick of people asking when we were going to start having kids that one day I just said we're trying but need medical help. It usually helps and they back off but friends then say oh we never knew are you ok. what did the dr say etc.. I'm very open about the IUI's endo, and injections and it feels great not to hide anything any more, It is great not to have to make up stories "maybe next year" " pleany time" etc..
You will know your self how much info to give people. Some of my friends know a lot more then other friends.
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  #9  
August 17th, 2010, 10:19 AM
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For the longest time we were quiet about it. But, e are very open with it with friends and people we talk to now. We have found that it helps us deal with it, but, other people are also likely to be more open about it as well. Infertility can be such a taboo subject. Many believe that getting pregnant is easy. By being open about it, we are sharing that it can be tough. And if one of those people we shared with later have problems conceiving, they know they aren't alone.

Since we moved here and switched to this RE, we have been very open. We both talk about appointments, surgery, and treatments on twitter and facebook. To us, it is about living life as an open book. We are both Christian, and believe God will use our struggle for His glory. We also know that because we have shared, people are praying.

Just my two cents.
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  #10  
August 17th, 2010, 10:23 AM
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My Mom and sister knew all the gory details. For everyone else, I always started with the bare minimum info necessary to let them know what we were going thru, like "we are going thru fertility treatments right now, so hopefully we'll have some news soon." Some left it at that, but others asked questions about the process or the shots or how often I had to drive 2 hours each way for this. I answered all questions honestly and tried to let my level of information sharing match their curiosity level.

At first it was weird sharing so much personal stuff, but it is amazing how supportive people were. We got random "thinking of you" cards from friends who had heard about our struggles, and offers from others to ride with me to my appointments when DH couldn't go. I am SO glad we shared with people...it made the burden easier to bear when it wasn't this big, ugly secret.
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  #11  
August 17th, 2010, 10:27 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
I have never been the kind of person who really has secrets about myself. What you see is what you get. I am a complete open book. I know that it new and strange to some people, but I guess it's just the way God made me. I never feel weird or awkward talking about pretty much, anything! So whenever people would ask about if I had kids, or when was i going to have kids, they would basically get the whole story lol. Most of the time people were really interested, or relieved even, and they would open up about how they, or someone close went through the same thing.
I found it therapeutic to open up and talk about it. Everyone handles it differently though! I get being embarrassed about it, but that's just not me.
The thing is I am the exact same way. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT shy, I call it like I see it, I speak my mind...etc. But this is the one and only thing im weird about. Some people would NEVER guess that were going through this because its not like me to keep things hidden and so secretive. But its just how I am with this I guess. When I actually sit here and think about it, I think the reasons are that I hate people feeling sorry for me, so I wouldnt want all these people to think of Ashley and automatically associate that with infertility/miscarriages and then always feel bad for me. I dont like that. And then the other thing is I feel like people who dont have fertility issues are better than me in some way, so I dont want to share my "flaw" with them. I dont know hard to explain...
__________________
Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage)
Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN
Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN
Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN
Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's
Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW




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  #12  
August 17th, 2010, 11:32 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just shared it with everyone...people knew we had started ttc and then nothing was happening so I told them about the testing we were goign through and what not...then that lead into our treatments.

its kind of neat now because other women I know have started coming to me IRL for support in dealing with their own infertility because they know what i went through.
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  #13  
August 17th, 2010, 11:53 AM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ♥Ashley♥ View Post
The thing is I am the exact same way. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am NOT shy, I call it like I see it, I speak my mind...etc. But this is the one and only thing im weird about. Some people would NEVER guess that were going through this because its not like me to keep things hidden and so secretive. But its just how I am with this I guess. When I actually sit here and think about it, I think the reasons are that I hate people feeling sorry for me, so I wouldnt want all these people to think of Ashley and automatically associate that with infertility/miscarriages and then always feel bad for me. I dont like that. And then the other thing is I feel like people who dont have fertility issues are better than me in some way, so I dont want to share my "flaw" with them. I dont know hard to explain...
Totally understandable. you DO make yourself more vulnerable when you open up. It is a risk. I remember feeling the same way. I worked with 7 other women my same age at a preschool. They all had a kid, and were starting to get baby fever for #2. I was still ttc #1. I remember feeling like they were more womanly than me, better even. Well I finally got pg, it was so emotional, they were all so happy, we cried and hugged. It was better than I could imagine it. They were so excited they all followed after and got pg too... I thought it was kinda cool, i was part of a "group" but then I M/C... and they all kept there babies and I had to watch their bellies grow and babies born. It killed me.
So in a way it is so very scary but can be so very good. Now that I have my son, they know the journey I have been through, they saw me at my worst and still loved me. I had to love them from a far for so long. I felt so inadequate because I lost my baby and I was "the infertile one" Or "the one who lost her baby" I felt like a walking label.

I guess you just have to weigh the pros and cons. For me it was the best solution. At the same time it DID have it's repercussions.
I

*Camm* I find the same thing happening here too! IRL i am the Fertility guru lol. Every one opens up to me now with anything from loss/ MC to infertility, or reproductive health in general. I love it!
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  #14  
August 17th, 2010, 12:17 PM
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Many friends know because I've had to have them be sitters for Caiden while I went to appointments, same with my church group. Then my mom knew, and we told Eric's family when they got mad about when we were/weren't visiting around appointments and stuff.
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After years of trying, 2 years of fertility meds, multiple surgeries, blood draws and needle sticks, some awful pre-IVF complications, and endometriosis and PCOS,
We are done TTC. Praying for peace as we accept this...
Hoping for some comfort after our most recent (and 3rd) surgery and starting Lupron!






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  #15  
August 17th, 2010, 01:10 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
I

*Camm* I find the same thing happening here too! IRL i am the Fertility guru lol. Every one opens up to me now with anything from loss/ MC to infertility, or reproductive health in general. I love it!
so far I've had a total of 4 women I've known since i was in grade school come to me with infertility issues. 1 has been my best friend since i was 6 and the others are pretty good friends of mine. 2 have found success. One comes to me with all kinds of questions about ivf..and Im happy to help her out and explain stuff to her or suggest things...at least my infertility didnt go to "waste"
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  #16  
August 17th, 2010, 02:44 PM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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True! I am so glad something good came from it That and the beautiful miracles we get to hold in ours after fighting so hard!! Congrats on your pregnancy btw!!! Your little boy looks like he has similar hair coloring as my son. Like an auburn? or is it just those pics?
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  #17  
August 17th, 2010, 04:37 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by *Melissa* View Post
True! I am so glad something good came from it That and the beautiful miracles we get to hold in ours after fighting so hard!! Congrats on your pregnancy btw!!! Your little boy looks like he has similar hair coloring as my son. Like an auburn? or is it just those pics?
thank you! no you are right its auburn. when he was born it was jet black
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  #18  
August 17th, 2010, 05:02 PM
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It would usually come up because people knew we were trying... then 2 years later we were still trying.... makes people ask questions. Or they'd ask, and i'd give them a simple "we're going through infertility treatment". I found telling was nice, because people would come out of the woodwork who had the same problem.
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  #19  
August 17th, 2010, 07:03 PM
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I found that through sharing my losses, i found out that so many people i knew/ worked with had gone through the same thing. Its a little harder now that ive gone through 2 and other then on here i dont have anyone IRL that can relate to that.
I never wanted to tell anyone at first because i was scared of what they would say like " well your young you dont have anything to worry about". I did end up telling some people and that was their responce so i kept it more quiet after that. Over the past year ive opened up to more people about it then i would have though I would and it does feel better. Many of them just ask how things are going, but dont get to nosey. It all depends on you and what you feel comfortable with, it might just be a person by person basis as to who you tell. I did make me feel better to share even if only with a few people.
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  #20  
August 17th, 2010, 07:39 PM
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For me it was just easier to be able to talk about it. People in our circle of friends knew that I wanted to be a mom SOOOO bad, so they just assumed we'd start trying right away. When people started getting pregnant I was already 1 year into our treatments. They were all so supportive about what we were going through. It was so nice to know that we were constantly (and still are) surrounded by people who want this for us just as badly as we do for ourselves.

I guess when people asked I just told them what they needed to know, and like Melissa, told more if they seemed more curious or wanted to know more or how to help if they could. ANd now that we are moving forward with Adoption, even more people have come out of the woodwork wanting to help in whatever small way they can. Most of the comments I get are along the lines of, "We didn't know how to help you with the infertility stuff... let us help you raise money for your adoption, or donate to your garage sale or do a fundraiser for you... " It's been absolutely amazing!

I think you are right, it will be helpful to you to talk to more people about what you have been through and are going through now. But you need to do that in your own time. It's not like at the next gathering you can raise your glass and toast to your infertility. But maybe the next time someone asks about anything baby related or family related you can drop a hint that there have been problems. The friends and family that want to know more will ask, the ones that are uncomfortable won't push you.

I hope that you can figure out what is right for you... you do deserve to have people in your life that you can lean on. We are all here for you, but having that IRL circle of family and friends is a huge part of why I'm still trucking along.

HUGS!
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