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Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
September 11th, 2010, 08:44 AM
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I just don't know how one ever relaxes. I woke up last night in a cold sweat convinced I was not pregnant. I know that is insane. But I thought: what if the blood tests were wrong and what if the ultrasound was picking up something else (I told myself tumors or cysts). The sane voice came in and told me this was, well, insane. And then I calmed down a bit.

But then two hours later, I woke up terrified that this is all going to end. And then I started going through what life would be like. Would we do IVF again? Would we stop? Would our lives ever be the same? How could I cope with that pain? What if we did IVF again and this time didn't have good embryos? Would we do it a sixth time? Would our doctor let us?

Before ttcwma, I was not like this. I was an upbeat and positive person who often times saw the best in things, even when I shouldn't. Something about this experienc about the last two+ years has forever altered the way I live and repsond to life.

All of this always erupts when I start to have a glimmer of happiness and joy. As soon as that happiness trickles in, something in me freaks out and says STOP, don't be happy, this won't last.

I'm sorry to vent. I wish none of us had to go through ttcwma. I think it robs us of an innocence that pregnant women should have.
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  #2  
September 11th, 2010, 08:55 AM
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I totally agree Addie! Pregnancy will NEVER be this happy, joyous, carefree event in my life! I want so desperately to be pregnant again (although I know another baby will never fill the void left by my 4 losses) but I KNOW the moment that second line appears I will be stricken with fear.....I will admit that about 4 days before I went into the hossy with Evan, I had finally started to BELIEVE that I was going to have a baby....he was moving all the time, a constant reminder that he was REAL and ALIVE. It did bring me comfort....I was a lunatic though...he would kick me like crazy and then I would still get out the doppler to check his heart beat...why? I have no idea...

I know next time will be worse....Right before I had Evan, I returned my rented doppler and purchased one online....it was waiting for me in the mail when I got out of the hospital (painful reminder indeed)...but I'm sure I will lug that doppler with me EVERYWHERE next time....I don't know why though...because Evan had a heartbeat up until about 30 seconds before he was born....but it does bring me a sense of peace that I cannot explain.

All I can say to you is that your fears are valid. And if you are crazy, then so am I because I have written posts JUST LIKE YOURS several times. It's so hard in the early stages because your body hasn't started to change and it really feels like you're just making it all up.....but as your belly grows and you start to feel flutters and kicks...just enjoy it...the fear may still be there, but relish in every moment that those babies are in your belly...you have been through so much and you deserve nothing less than pure happiness
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  #3  
September 11th, 2010, 09:22 AM
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Oh hun, I am so sorry. I remember being scared every day, and having those same irrational fears almost every day until Ronan was actually placed in my arms. I expected something bad to happen all the time. I wish I didnt I wish I could have been positive and optimistic the whole pregnancy, but after having gone through a loss, or even having to wait as long as we did with so many failed attempts, it's just not the same. If it wasn't one worry, it was another. I hope you will be able to find some peace of mind while you wait for your little one to bake a little longer. SOON you will be holding your baby in your arms and you won't have to wonder how they are doing in there any more!! It will be an all new set of different kinds of worries!
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  #4  
September 11th, 2010, 10:16 AM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry that you aren't able to enjoy your pregnancy because you are in fear that something may happen.
That breaks my heart for you! It is just NOT fair that infertility has robbed of us any glimmer of happiness we MAY have been ale to have prior to it.
But, I hope that you find a way to be at peace in your pregnancy & that you will be able to enjoy it.
You deserve it...Because after all...You have a baby growing inside you
Every day, he/she is getting bigger & bigger. Before you know it, you will be holding your miracle in your arms.
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  #5  
September 11th, 2010, 10:45 AM
Tammyms's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh Addie, and everyone else who has to go through this, my heart breaks for everyone! I have only had a chemical pregnancy, but I understand about not allowing yourself to think positive. Even with us starting IUI, I fear it won't work, and then if it does, I fear because of PCOS and male issues that it won't stick and we want this so bad.

So although it doesn't make it any better for you, please know you're not alone and you're not crazy! I do with you could enjoy your pregnancy and I'm hoping for you that once you're a bit further along you will!

Like you, I have always said when I see people ttc for a month or 2 and getting pg, I don't wish it was hard for anyone, just easy for everyone. In a sense, a woman's livelihood is reproduction and being a mom, so you would think that one thing would not be so hard!
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  #6  
September 11th, 2010, 10:45 AM
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*hugs* I hope and pray everyday that passes brings you some comfort and peace. And by the end you will be holding your healthy strong baby in your arms. Praying everything goes smoothly hon.
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  #7  
September 11th, 2010, 12:07 PM
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Hang in there Addie. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but it doesn't really. I refused to get happy about my pregnancy until a HB was confirmed. I still hold my breath at each Dr. appt until they find the HB. Now if I don't feel any movement I'm positive it's over. We haven't even bought anything for the baby yet. I'm too scared to jinx it.

What I would suggest is to set small milestones. Don't think of the pregnancy as a 40 week event, take it in small chunks instead. My milestones were: confirmed HB, make it past loss date, HB on doppler, 12 week NT scan, doppler (at each appt), 18 week scan, movement... Each step brings you one day closer to the end.

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  #8  
September 11th, 2010, 12:08 PM
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Just *Hugs*

I definatley think pregnancy is one of the most stressful things i have ever lived through. I still get scared if Teddy is taking a nap and i can't feel him move.

I get really jealous of people that conceive easily and have no complications of pregnancy. And my doc thinks its going to be the same way if we have anymore. Not looking forward to laying down through another pregnancy.
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  #9  
September 11th, 2010, 12:14 PM
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You bring me back to my pregnancy because I had all the same fears! I was always waiting for something bad to happen because I just couldn't let myself believe that something so wonderful could/would happen to me after all we'd been through.

It does get better, with time. Each u/s, each milestone achieved, lets you breathe a little bit easier. The anxiety never totally goes away, but you will hopefully be surprised to enjoy the pregnancy, the further you get. I would always feel so good after an ob appointment, and then a day or two later, the doubts would creep back and I would worry about having a missed m/c or something else.

I wish I had some advice...I know I am prone to going through all the "what ifs" and then I end up like 10 "what ifs" deep, thinking about the worse case scenario-it's a tough place to be. Just know that most of us have had the same thoughts-and we got through them and have babies now. You are not weird! And having these thoughts doesn't mean that you have some "instinct" that things will end badly (that was always my irrational fear).

Hang in there!
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  #10  
September 11th, 2010, 01:30 PM
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my fears never went away with Bryar. I was always worried....worried that I would miscarry, worried that he would die in utero..worried that the cord would get wrapped around him....paranoid that sleeping on any side but my left would end my pregnancy...i still cant sleep on my left side because I literally slept on it and only it from 4 weeks until 38 weeks!!!

I would wake up and think the pregnancy was a dream..and then I would remember it was real..and bam...paranoia would sit in.

the worrying doesnt go away once they are born either..for me it got worse!!!

I will say that I am much more at ease with Scarlett and I dont worry as much...I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

Just know that what you are going through is really normal..and I think its something that all women who ttcw/ma go through when they finally get that bfp..especially the ones who ttc for years and suffer losses.
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  #11  
September 11th, 2010, 03:46 PM
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I have to say it's not much easier on my end either. I have never been pregnant, I have never gone though the losses that a lot of you ladies have had to go through. But I still think all the time that this adoption isn't going to work. Even with each wonderful mile stone that I reach, I feel like if I don't stay grounded the rug will be ripped out from under me. On the 10th day after the baby is born, she'll take her back, or the birthfather will decide he DOES want the baby.... there are still SO many unknowns with this entire process. While I am incredibly happy, I'm also terrified, worried, anxious, all of the things you ladies have described.

Addie, I love ya, and am praying for you every single day!
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  #12  
September 11th, 2010, 04:03 PM
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Kari I'm right there with ya girl!
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  #13  
September 11th, 2010, 04:49 PM
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I know exactly how you are feeling, I haven't even had much chance to get "excited" about this pregnancy because they have never proven to last, so why would this be any different. I am so sorry you are stressing, and nothing will ease your mind till you are holding them.
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  #14  
September 11th, 2010, 07:42 PM
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Reading all of these breaks my heart. I had a chemical pregnancy also, and everytime I get hope that I am pregnant- I think "But the last one didn't last." I am also so jaded by it all in a way that when my DH told me his good friend was pregnant, I thought "Well, we'll see if it lasts." I hate being that way. I remember thinking once you're pregnant, you are pregnant. You have a baby and your life is changed forever. I wish I never had to know the side of once you're pregnant, you may stay pregnant, you may not. You may or may not have that baby. And your life will change forever but not in necessarily only one way. It's terrifying. I feel cramping and think not only is it AF? But is it pregnancy, and if it is, is it also my body rejecting it or something? ...Irrational? I don't know anymore. My heart breaks for all TTC with trouble. And what you said, struck me and will stay with me : "I think it robs us of an innocence that pregnant women should have." It's so painfully true. Hugs to you and everyone else.
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