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Grads...experiences with other who have not found success


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
March 17th, 2011, 08:01 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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so another thread got me thinking about this experience.

when I was pregnant with Scarlett I was at walmart with Bryar..and the check out woman was probably mid 40's..and in the background there was a baby just screaming its head off...I cant remember if she or I made a comment about it..but she remarked on how good Bryar was being and it was nice to get a happy baby in her line.... somehow the conversation starts going in a different direction and she starts telling me how she doesnt have any children, not from a lack of trying though...and the whole time she is just giving me this look...and I know exactly what it is.... She is thinking to herself " you have it so easy...look at you with your 2 kids and you probably dont even appreciate them the way I WOULD" I could tell exactly what she was thinking...because ive thought it myself when I didnt have my children. I wanted to tell her that I fought for these kids, sacrificed thousands of dollars just for a chance at being a mother...but I couldnt get the words out...I just told her how sorry I was to hear that.

Have you ever been in a situation like that? I felt that if I told her I knew her pain that she would think I was lying ...at that moment I honestly felt guilty and somewhat ashamed that I had become "that mom" to those suffering through infertility.
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  #2  
March 17th, 2011, 08:14 AM
KMH KMH is offline
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Great topic, Christin.

This hits close to home for me, because Jon's aunt and uncle were never able to have children. They tried, but back in those days (they are in their early 60s), there weren't a lot of options available. She was a special-ed teacher for years and years, and she would have been a wonderful mother.

She knows about our struggles and what we went through to have Claire, but I feel SOOO guilty around her. I feel like I have to tone down my joy about being a Mom because I feel badly for her, even though I know she wouldn't want me to do that just because of her.

And yes, sometimes I want to tattoo "infertility survivor" on my forehead, because I don't want someone to see us playing patty-cake in the check-out line and go out to their car and cry. I'm like you...I don't want to ever be perceived as "that Mom" to someone who is wondering if they will ever be a Mom.
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  #3  
March 17th, 2011, 08:30 AM
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This is a really great topic.

I'm not a grad; I'm on the other end of this. I try very hard to keep in mind that I don't know the stories behind babies when I see them. Sadly, sometimes even knowing that someone had to undergo lots of procedures to have their baby doesn't help me, because even then-- I still don't have mine. It sounds totally selfish, and it probably is... but I just can't help it.

I don't blame them for my frustrations, though, and they certainly shouldn't hold off on showing tons of love for their babies no matter how public, because it's much much easier seeing a mother who appreciates her baby than one who is neglecting him/her.
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  #4  
March 17th, 2011, 08:35 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Melissa, my aunt is in her late 50's and could never have a child either. According to my mother she conceived a couple of times but always lost the pregnancy early on. She went on to adopt 2 children with my uncle.

While I was at my lowest she was the only one who understood...but when I became pregnant..I felt something shift between us. She was thrilled for me of course..but some of my family (not my mother or father) treated her children a little differently and I think having me consider adoption made her feel good in a way that she wasnt the only one in our family who was infertile or who adopted. When I became pregnant..I think she felt "alone" again. which of course made me feel awful.

She always puts on a brave face but even now her infertility affects her because she adopted late in life..her first in her 30's and her second in her mid 40's... her first child who is almost 30 now has no intentions of having children and has already been through a divorce and her 2nd child is not out of high school yet....and both her siblings already have grandchildren and my aunt is the eldest....and she will make comments about never getting to experience grandchildren...and I feel this is just something else that infertility has robbed from her.

A tattoo or a badge..either one will do!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jesridge View Post
This is a really great topic.

I'm not a grad; I'm on the other end of this. I try very hard to keep in mind that I don't know the stories behind babies when I see them. Sadly, sometimes even knowing that someone had to undergo lots of procedures to have their baby doesn't help me, because even then-- I still don't have mine. It sounds totally selfish, and it probably is... but I just can't help it.

I don't blame them for my frustrations, though, and they certainly shouldn't hold off on showing tons of love for their babies no matter how public, because it's much much easier seeing a mother who appreciates her baby than one who is neglecting him/her.
not selfish at all!!! when I was ttc Bryar none of the miracle babies in here could make me feel better..they actually made me feel worse because why wasnt I getting a miracle..i felt left behind ..there was a point that almost everyone I had started out with on this board had gone on to conceive...some were expecting baby #2. Thats when I started pulling back from the board..it wasnt helping me anymore it was making life worse. So no it is not selfish if others success's dont bring you peace..its natural and nothing wrong with feeling that way.
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  #5  
March 17th, 2011, 08:52 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jesridge View Post
This is a really great topic.

I'm not a grad; I'm on the other end of this. I try very hard to keep in mind that I don't know the stories behind babies when I see them. Sadly, sometimes even knowing that someone had to undergo lots of procedures to have their baby doesn't help me, because even then-- I still don't have mine. It sounds totally selfish, and it probably is... but I just can't help it.

I don't blame them for my frustrations, though, and they certainly shouldn't hold off on showing tons of love for their babies no matter how public, because it's much much easier seeing a mother who appreciates her baby than one who is neglecting him/her.
Exactly how I feel. And I know that its selfish and not okay to think that way but its like, how much longer do WE have to go through this until we can become one of them?

Last night I was at my husbands hockey game and there were two pregnant women next to me going on and ON (I swear the entire game) about being pregnant. By the end of the game I was in a horribly foul mood, and to be honest...even if I had known that they went through anything like me to get where they were at, I would STILL be jealous because they had acheived what I wanted.
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  #6  
March 17th, 2011, 08:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jesridge View Post
Sadly, sometimes even knowing that someone had to undergo lots of procedures to have their baby doesn't help me, because even then-- I still don't have mine. It sounds totally selfish, and it probably is... but I just can't help it.
Not selfish at all...I think it is normal. It almost made me feel worse to see the girls on here be successful in a way, because they were eventually rewarded for the pain that they suffered at the hands of infertility. I would think to myself "what if we go through all of this and we STILL don't have a baby?"
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  #7  
March 17th, 2011, 09:08 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Originally Posted by ♥Ashley♥ View Post
Exactly how I feel. And I know that its selfish and not okay to think that way but its like, how much longer do WE have to go through this until we can become one of them?

Last night I was at my husbands hockey game and there were two pregnant women next to me going on and ON (I swear the entire game) about being pregnant. By the end of the game I was in a horribly foul mood, and to be honest...even if I had known that they went through anything like me to get where they were at, I would STILL be jealous because they had acheived what I wanted.

it IS ok... the ones who say they are never jealous and only happy for us and everyone else who has a baby...i seriously have to wonder about because I was MISERABLE...MISERABLE when it wasnt me getting that bfp or experiencing pregnancy. a woman can only try for sooo long before its just freaking unfair and not right....a woman can only stomach so much of infertility before it gets under your skin....Id love to see ONE person who goes through this with a happy attitude the ENTIRE time.

so either i was a really awful person...OR...its just human nature ...im opting for the latter


rant and rave....be angry about it....there is nothing wrong with that..if you bottle that crap up it will eat you from the inside out.
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  #8  
March 17th, 2011, 09:28 AM
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I've kind of been in a situation like that. One of dh's cousins has been ttc for 6+ years now. She had a miscarriage when they were first trying but haven't had any luck since. I think because of this his family kind of judges both the other cousins wife and me. It took his cousins wife 4 years with their first because of endo and then 2 years and iui with us for Darcy. I really feel like none of them really believe we "struggled" with it and it does make me feel guilty. I am so not looking forward to telling them about our surprise.
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  #9  
March 17th, 2011, 09:43 AM
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I'm so in the same boat as Ashley and Jes. I have a friend who went through many failed attempts at IUI/IVF and now has beautiful twins, and while I feel like she definitely understands my life WAY more than most of my friends, the uncertainty of my situation still keeps a wall up. She keeps telling me, "When you get your babies, you'll forget about all of the frustration, aggravation, and failure and it'll be the happiest you've ever been in your life", I WANT to believe her, but I still keep thinking what if it never happens for me???

Sigh. I was just crying to DH about this last night.
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  #10  
March 17th, 2011, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Toots216 View Post
I'm so in the same boat as Ashley and Jes. I have a friend who went through many failed attempts at IUI/IVF and now has beautiful twins, and while I feel like she definitely understands my life WAY more than most of my friends, the uncertainty of my situation still keeps a wall up. She keeps telling me, "When you get your babies, you'll forget about all of the frustration, aggravation, and failure and it'll be the happiest you've ever been in your life", I WANT to believe her, but I still keep thinking what if it never happens for me???

Sigh. I was just crying to DH about this last night.
she is right. a few months after I had Bryar I realized I wasnt the same anymore... my mother told me that she had become really worried for me ..because of how depressed and angry I had become...and she said that after I had Bryar I became "me" again. I still remember what it felt like those 5 years before I had Bryar..I still remember the pain..but Im not that bitter angry woman anymore..its gone. I never thought I would get over it, but Bryar healed me...cheesy as it sounds..he really did.

and...the odds of this board are more than in your favor...72% wasnt it melissa ...the odds of our members finding success? heck thats better than an IVF stat at some of the top clinics!
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  #11  
March 17th, 2011, 10:26 AM
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You know..i sometimes wonder if that is what my husbands barber went through...We would talk sometimes about how cute kids were that came in..but when we first met her..we werent very open about our struggles...But we told her we wanted to adopt..she thought it was a great idea..but kinda got quiet...when we found out we were finally pregnant...we didnt tell her till later..then it kinda came out that she wanted to do foster care now..and she revealed that she was older (like in her 50s) I couldnt tell she was that old..and just little things she says here and there..make me wonder..All she knows now is that it took us a long time..thats it..she doesnt know the heart ache we went through..but i dont feel i can tell her that..while im sitting here successful..i dont know if she never was..i couldnt imagine..

But now a days..success happens more then it did back then..there are so many more procedures and more educated drs..and ive even read that about 80%( might be more..dont quote me) of infertile women go on to be pregnant with some kind of treatment! That is amazing!

It wasnt too long ago when i was here on this board..dreading another day..b/c i saw so many successes with ivf and iui and medication and even surprise babies..but i wasnt one of them..Sure some part of me was happy for them..but it was just not something i really wanted to know..Even when i got my bfp..i still wasnt happy..for some reason i couldnt get happy..i was very depressed..and not excited..i couldnt get excited..i felt like how could something actually be going right for me? But then i realized after all i had been through i needed to knock that off and start being thankful..i know its tough to be where you guys are now..and it feels like it will never end...but you know success is very much in your favor..weather it be medicated or a surprise..just hang on! Its coming..i know much easier said then done..but it can happen! Trust me..i know! I mean a 1% chance of concieving on our own? Ivf failed for us..but we still got our miracle! And you can too! HUGS! im praying for each of you!
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  #12  
March 17th, 2011, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toots216 View Post
"When you get your babies, you'll forget about all of the frustration, aggravation, and failure and it'll be the happiest you've ever been in your life"
Yes and no. I am definitely the happiest I have ever been, and I know that we are very, very blessed to have a little one. I had been so worried that after everything we went through, Motherhood wouldn't live up to the huge expectations I had in my head...and I was 1000% wrong. It is better.

That said, I definitely haven't forgotten everything, and now getting ready to TTC#2 brings a lot of it back. Pregnancy announcements from friends still sting, and when I see siblings, I secretly wonder if Claire will ever have that. Infertility is like a bad STD (not that I would know)...it just hangs around waiting to flare up again.
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  #13  
March 17th, 2011, 12:27 PM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have felt that before too. I know when we were ttc DD, I felt that if I could just have one child I would be happy and I not be so anxious and disappointed if we had trouble having a second. Now here I am back at the drawing board and I feel guilty if I'm disappointed when AF shows because I should just be happy with what I have. I totally am happy with what I have, LOVE DD with all my heart, but somehow ttc still isn't any easier.

I also have a friend in a similar boat - trouble ttc her first, now struggling again with the second. I feel guilty around her all the time because she is 6 years older than me and her chances are smaller. I'm not even pregnant and I feel guilty just because I have a better chance of getting there.
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  #14  
March 17th, 2011, 01:11 PM
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I know how hard it is to TRY and have a baby, and I know how bad it hurts to face a , but after having to bury three children, I can't say that I feel "guilty" for being pregnant....I'm very open with my experience and tell EVERYONE about the boys, so I think everyone knows and understands that this DID NOT come easy for me...I haven't taken a second of this pregnancy for granted and I've cherished every moment....I think any woman who has struggled with infertility can appreciate all aspects of pregnancy

I always try to offer encouragement to women IRL who are TTC. I only know one right now, and I always tell her, "If it can happen to me, it can and WILL happen to you."

I hate to spring my FAITH on everyone, but without it I would've given up a long time ago. As painful as this journey has been, and as much as I still don't understand WHY I had to lose my sons, I have peace in my heart because I ***KNOW*** that God has a plan.

If you have a desire in your heart to be a mother, then you WILL be! God placed that desire there with FULL INTENTIONS of fulfilling it.....
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  #15  
March 17th, 2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Angel_Maker View Post

I hate to spring my FAITH on everyone, but without it I would've given up a long time ago. As painful as this journey has been, and as much as I still don't understand WHY I had to lose my sons, I have peace in my heart because I ***KNOW*** that God has a plan.

If you have a desire in your heart to be a mother, then you WILL be! God placed that desire there with FULL INTENTIONS of fulfilling it.....


Im right there with her..Hang on to it.. you will find faith to be the best thing out of it all!! and God did place that desire for one reason or another..and someone i look up to very much told me that right before i had success..i think it helped me believe alot more! It was my mother!
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  #16  
March 17th, 2011, 01:35 PM
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Great subject. I have totally been on both ends. I am pretty open though, so any time i see that "look" I am pretty quick to blurt out everything we have been through and try to give them any kind of hope or just offer to pray for them. Even though I have Ronan now, i will NEVER forget the pain and heart ache of infertility, and still experience it to this day and probably will for each kid I fight to have.
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  #17  
March 17th, 2011, 05:23 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I dont know why but lately I just dont like to talk about our struggles I mean I will if someone ask or if they already know...but its getting harder and harder for me to talk about it...sometimes I just want to forget it even happened. I'll never forget the baby we lost though. I just want to forget that person I was, I didnt like her.

when the woman in the check out line was giving me the look..inside I was thinking...I should tell her...and then another part of me was thinking..i dont want to tell her.

in the past ive been VERY open about our struggles...there isnt one person in my family or friend that doesnt know...and there are more than enough "friends of friends" that know our story.

it got so bad that my mother had women calling asking her to ask ME what their daughters should do to become pregnant...... I hadnt even become pregnant with Bryar yet...so yeah...that was a little much for me. Everyone knew me as the "infertility woman"
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  #18  
March 17th, 2011, 05:29 PM
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I dont mind talking about it on HERE though..its just IRL.
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  #19  
March 17th, 2011, 06:45 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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I know what you mean, Christin. Sometimes I love to share and hopefully help others, and sometimes I just want to be "normal."
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  #20  
March 17th, 2011, 06:52 PM
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Quote:
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Yes and no. I am definitely the happiest I have ever been, and I know that we are very, very blessed to have a little one. I had been so worried that after everything we went through, Motherhood wouldn't live up to the huge expectations I had in my head...and I was 1000% wrong. It is better.

That said, I definitely haven't forgotten everything, and now getting ready to TTC#2 brings a lot of it back. Pregnancy announcements from friends still sting, and when I see siblings, I secretly wonder if Claire will ever have that. Infertility is like a bad STD (not that I would know)...it just hangs around waiting to flare up again.
Amen to this! I am going through the exact same thing now. Yes, I am most definitely the happiest I have EVER been, but I vividly remember the fear, pain, frustration and anger of trying for number one. And like Melissa, thinking about trying for number 2 is bringing A LOT of that back. Sometimes I find myself getting really anxious that we will not be able to give Alex or sibling, or that it will take sooooo long that there will be a huge age difference and it won't be a traditional sibling relationship.

As far as being open with people, I try to be. I don't announce it from the rooftops, but I try not to hide it either. I always share my story with people whom I think are having trouble. Not only do I hope that it gives them hope, but it's almost cathartic for me as well....
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