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So frustrated with myself


Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance

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  #1  
March 21st, 2011, 03:36 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Sorry girls...don't mean to be a complainer, but I need to vent to someone who "gets it."

I swore to myself that I would not get caught up in the TTC roller coaster ever again. I promised myself (and DH) that we'd just be "normal" until later this summer, and then we could prep for our FET and go with what we know works.

Well, my first mistake was starting to pee on OPKs when I cut down on BFing Claire. Thin lining is a problem for me, so I figured if I caught my first ovulation in 9 months, surely that would be my best chance at pregnancy since I had such a long time to build a lining.

Now I'm 9DPO, and I am losing my marbles. I'm right back to where I was 2 and 3 years ago...overanalyzing every little "symptom," Googling like a mad woman, and generally losing my mind. I hate myself for being this way, because I'm sure DH doesn't enjoy it, I drive myself nuts, and I know that all this anticipation and hope is just going to be destroyed when AF shows in a few days. Then I'll be depressed and grouchy...not to mention I anticipate some pretty mean cramps.

Can someone please invent a "sanity" pill to take during these times?

Thanks for letting me get that out
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IVF babies Claire (3), Abigail (1) and George (1)

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  #2  
March 21st, 2011, 04:01 PM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 8,973
I'm so sorry Melissa. I know that feeling all too well.

I also try to make things "normal" for my husband and promise him I won't stress, but I think trying to make things normal for him stresses me out even more.

I really hope it works out so that all your stressing over symptoms ends in a bfp!
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TTC #1:
5/20/05:
5/27/05:
5/28/05: miscarriage
08/27/05:
08/30/05: miscarriage
01/15/05: misdiagnosed with PCOS
08/29/06: first appt at fertility clinic (was already pregnant with dd and didn't know it)
08/31/06:
05/16/07: DD was born

TTC #2:
11/13/09: let's try again!
03/10/10: tests with new OB - everything totally normal for DH and I, no indication of pcos; officially diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility"
04/21/10 - 10/13/10: 7 unsuccessful rounds of clomid with OB
11/13/10 - 14/23/11: 3 unsuccessful IUI's with clomid at fertility clinic
07/27/11: ER for IVF - retrieved 27; 17 were mature enough to fertilize; all 17 fertilized; 11 made it to day 3 embryos; 6 made it to day 6 blasts. Transferred 1, froze 5.
08/08/11: positive hpt!
08/13/11 - 08/20/11: positive blood test (186), but cramping and bleeding. 2 days later, blood at 275; 2 days later, blood at 21. Inevitable miscarriage.
10/13/11: start suprefact for first FET
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  #3  
March 21st, 2011, 04:38 PM
hollann1984's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Im sorry Melissa. Feel free to let it all out Thats what us girls are here for
I pray that this first cycle works and you wont have to worry about symptoms or AF again.
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  #4  
March 21st, 2011, 05:00 PM
*Melissa*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You know that I can completely relate. It's like, you really think it is going to be different- maybe you will even ENJOY the process this time around... HA! Then it all hits you. At some point you feel like you have traveled back in time and are facing everything all over again.

I am so sorry you are frustrated with yourself. I will say what others are saying to me, you KNOW you can get pg, it will happen for you. Just keep remembering that. It has happened before- if you want it to, it will happen again! praying for you love!
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  #5  
March 21st, 2011, 05:02 PM
cavewoman's Avatar our miracle is here!! <3
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I don't really have any advice but know you are not alone!!
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  #6  
March 21st, 2011, 05:37 PM
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well, i hear ya sista! i am 8 dpo - trigger was last friday and i was doing ok until yesterday - i see the ever so faintest brown when i wipe and i keep feeling like my period is here; then get to the bathroom and nothing - so, i cant be much of a help but i am so on your page, and your cycle haha
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acgka; ALI

Married May 2010
TTC since August 2010, almost a year
IUI in December 2010 - BFP - chemical
IUI on 3/13/11 - BFN
April natural cycle - BFP on 4/22 - chemical confirmed 4/28
IUI done on 5/12 - BFN

IUI #4 done 6/6 - BFN
so sick of getting BFNs

total of 4 failed IUIs
IVF in July

using acupuncture 1x week, Royal Jelly, pre natals, organic Spirulina, Maca Root and Red Raspberry tea
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  #7  
March 21st, 2011, 05:42 PM
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I hear ya...and we aren't even ntnp yet! We are waiting a few more months to start trying again for a few reasons, and already I'm stressing out about the "what ifs". I really thought this time around would be much more relaxed...
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  #8  
March 21st, 2011, 05:45 PM
KMH KMH is offline
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Thanks ladies...it helped just to type it out. Thank goodness for JM
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IVF babies Claire (3), Abigail (1) and George (1)

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  #9  
March 21st, 2011, 07:58 PM
Kris2you's Avatar Live-Laugh-Love
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I could have written this post. I think it's a hope for all of us who have been through the MA ringer, that "this time" will be different, less stressful, less depressing etc. :/ We are here for you so let it out anytime!!
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  #10  
March 21st, 2011, 08:28 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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((hugs)) All of those feelings and fears just pop back in sometimes, infert is very hard, first or second time--but maybe this 2nd time will be much easier, fingers crossed!
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  #11  
March 22nd, 2011, 05:04 AM
Angel_Maker
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GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRLLLLL! I'm still PREGNANT and already stressing about "next time" You are definitely NOT alone!
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  #12  
March 22nd, 2011, 06:07 AM
jesridge's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Heard that. This is just tough, but at least we're not alone, so that's good. Hugs!
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  #13  
March 22nd, 2011, 07:12 AM
*SamF*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yep definitely not alone. I've been counting all my tests to make sure i have enough to get through testing the through the trigger and then to continue testing every freaking day till either a BFP or AF.

Would love to find those sanity pills for a lot of us!
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  #14  
March 22nd, 2011, 09:39 AM
ccartanddesign's Avatar With Faith
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I tend to minimize what going through the fertility treatments take out of me, so my DH won't say "That's it, its too hard on you." I want to keep going even if its hard!
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Me-38 DH-38. TTC #1 since August 2009
2/2011 - IUI + Femara + HCG trigger and Progesterone injection BFN
3/2011 - IUI + Femara + HCG trigger and Progesterone injection
4/2011 - not doing IUI - DH out of town
5/2011 - IUI with Femara and HCG trigger. In hospital due to infection from IUI.
Took a break from all meds this summer.
9/2011: - Start with new RE - testing begins.
10/2011: - Hysteroscopy - determine tubes are blocked.
10/2011 : - Laparoscopy - clip blocked tubes, determine right ovary is adhered to pelvic wall, cut adhesions
11/24/2011: IVF cycle #1 begins. Start stims.
12/2/2011: End stims. HCG trigger.
12/4/2011: Egg Retrieval. 9 eggs, only 1 embryo.
12/7/2011: Transfer.
12/20/2011: IVF #1 failed.
1/16/2012: IVF #2 first scan
"Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matt. 19:26
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  #15  
March 22nd, 2011, 10:59 AM
KMH KMH is offline
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Ladies, you have no idea how much it has helped to hear your responses. I felt so silly for getting caught up in it all again...I guess I thought I had "overcome" the stress/frustration/pain of infertility, and then WHAM! It snuck up on me. Thank you SO much for letting me know that it is normal and that I'm not going crazy by myself
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IVF babies Claire (3), Abigail (1) and George (1)

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  #16  
March 22nd, 2011, 12:22 PM
brynnkelley04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: DeWitt, Michigan
Posts: 3,164
Oh Melissa, I'm sorry this is so hard on you. I really wish none of us had to go through this. Stay strong and positive.....it will get better:-)
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Rich 41, Marcus 11, Gavin 8
~~IVF #4 using Donor Eggs=BFP
~~April 18th 1st U/S=TWINS! Baby A 128bpm Baby B 124bpm


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  #17  
March 23rd, 2011, 07:21 AM
♥Ashley♥'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 14,102
Oh, im so sorry Melissa! Its such an annoying thing isnt it? After you've done these things (like test with afternoon urine at like 8DPO Like I have done plenty of times.... Haha!) you always think back like "what in the WORLD was I thinking?" Its just so uncontrollable at the time, and thats what TTC does to us. Its a world filled with worry, frustration, anxiety, hopelessness...etc, and it makes us crazy! Dont ever feel like your alone, because we're all going through the exact same thing!

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Cycle #1-9 - All Natural....5BFN's, 4BFP's (all ended in miscarriage)
Cycle #10-11 - Met with first RE, diagnosed with heterzygeous MTHFR mutation & slightly low SA on all counts. -BFN, Cycle #12 - First IUI+Trigger - BFN, Cycle #13 - BFN
Cycle #14-15 - Met with new RE, diagnosed with a blocked right tube that previous RE completely overlooked or didnt care to mention. Soy (120mg) - BFN
Cycle #16 - Clomid (100mg) - BFN, Cycle #17 - Clomid (100mg)+Trigger+IUI - BFN
Cycle #18 - Acupuncture+Clomid (100mg) - BFN
Cycle #19-27 - 2 Soy (160mg) cycles, the rest all natural also 30lbs lost!! - BFN's
Cycle #28 - New RE is GREAT! Put on bcp 7/6/11, Lap surgery 8/1/11- Tubal cyst (5cm) found and removed, Uterine Septum removed, and Stage II-III endo removed. Cycle #29 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle #30 - All Natural - BFN, Cycle#31 - All Natural - BFN, DONE TTC FOR NOW




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  #18  
March 24th, 2011, 02:57 PM
bkro9's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,460
You know this is SO NORMAL! Why? Because we are planners, and we know all the steps and it's HARD not to think ahead to every little thing! And if you can avoid the bs of drugs and the like well that's pressure! So OF COURSE you are stressing! Hang in there girl, it will all happen...AGAIN!
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