[*Melissa*]

or atleast a sticky situation?

It has for me! I will give you a couple examples. One of my close friends, who is 21 and single- so she obviously isn't actively ttc, but does want a family one day- she mentioned to me that she rarely ever has periods. I asked her a few other questions and knew right away she had PCOS. But I don't want to be the one to explain she will probably need med assistance. I went with her to the OB and helped her ask the right questions and get the right tests and sure enough- she has PCOS. It's not like it's a death sentance, but still- no one plans for it.

The worst time was a few weeks ago. A friend announced on FB that she was pg with #5. I guess she'd had a m/c a couple months ago too... Well, she was worried because she went in for an early u/s and they saw nothing, no sac, no fetus, nothing. She was apparently 7 weeks pg. She was worried, so I called her and asked about her cycles, hoping she had mscalculated. Her husband was away and the last time they'd BD' would be the last opportunity to conceive and put her at 7 weeks or more.
I explained to her what most people see at the u/s. At 5 weeks a sac, 6.5 weeks a sac and fetal cardiac activity, 7 weeks should show much more growth of the fetus.... She still didn't get it. I couldn't bring myself to blatantly say, "you should've seen something" I am assuming they'd checked her for ectopic, but she wasn't having any pain.
I tried opening up to her and shared our history ( we've had a loss) and also shared about our difficulty conceiving, When she started kinda getting the idea where I was going, she got very defensinve and even said some hurtful things about "knowing God wanted her to have a big family because it's easy for her" -basically stating that she didn't think that was God's intention for me because it's harder- and that she was sure it was just too early.
I told her I was hoping for the best and hung up.

The next day she miscarried

Has anything like this happened to anyone else?

[*Jillian*]

Wow. You were just trying to help her. She shouldn't have said those things.

I had the nurse at the fertility dr get mad at me because I disagreed with the dr's opinions. She asked where I was getting my information and acted like a jerk about the fact that I research and had a good bit of knowledge on the subject.

[*JenJen*]

not in trouble, but my knowledge has made it harder in some ways.

[JessicaW]

Good idea for a thread. I can't believe she said that stuff to you - so unappropriate and untrue. Many experts believe that PCOS and other infertility issues have been exascerbated by environmental chemicals - pesticides, plasticizers, etc. So it's not God creating infertility, it's industry.

Yes, I often find myself diagnosing other people with PCOS. My coworker for example: acne at age 32, apple shape, some extra facial hair. I wonder whether she's had a work-up. I was diagnosed with PCOS at an early age (23) and that was in the year 2000 when there was a lot less awareness of PCOS. But it wasn't until I was 25 or 26 that I started taking BCPs and boy, did they help. My acne disappeared, the hair issues got a lot better. Suddenly my mannishness was gone and I was feminine and sexy and suddenly the other sex was really interested. I didn't realize all the abnormal stuff I had going on. I wish someone had told me to get on BCPs earlier!!! So if I had her issues and wasn't treating them, I would want someone to take me aside. I'm still debating whether to approach her.

And I often get in trouble telling people they need to start trying to have kids early. I have so many friends sliding farther into their thirties and don't seem to realize the urgency of the biological clock. They look at celebrities who conceive at 47 (with donor eggs certainly, although no one discloses that) and assume that they can have their own genetic children in their forties. Not so for so many! I think they need to stress more in sex ed how much fertility declines after 35.

[*Jillian*]

Melissa, you would think after having 4 other children your friend would have picked up on what is normal for 7 weeks pregnant.

I'm always surprised at people that NEVER take an interest in their body. The one positive thing about ttc and ttcma is the knowledge you gain. I've found it invaluable. I would hate to be one of those women that gets pregnant and doesn't even know how. lol

[KMH]

Originally Posted by *Jillian*

Melissa, you would think after having 4 other children your friend would have picked up on what is normal for 7 weeks pregnant.

Maybe...most of my "normal" friends don't get an ultrasound until they are 10 weeks, and some only get one at 20 weeks. I think "normal" women are blissfully unaware of the complications that can occur early in pregnancy and assume that if they get a BFP they have a healthy pregnancy...that blissful, carefree feeling is one that us TTCMAers will just never have and I'm so jealous!

I'm always surprised at people that NEVER take an interest in their body. The one positive thing about ttc and ttcma is the knowledge you gain. I've found it invaluable.

SO true! I read TCOYF before we even started TTC, and it sparked an interest not only in learning more about fertility, but also about taking better care of myself in other ways, too. I am a healthier person all-around now, and for that I am thankful.

[*Jillian*]

I guess you are totally right. Still blows my mind though. lol

[*Melissa*]

Yeah, I felt so incredibly hurt after that phone call, I had opened up to her so that she felt like she could share, and then got so incredibly awkwardly silent afterI told her we used fertility meds for Ronan. She clearly thought I'd over stepped my bounds. Ya know, when some people think that using science somehow means you are no longer trusting God. Nothing could be further than the truth if you REALLY knew me... but I did pray for her and really trully did hope out I was wrong- somehow- even though i knew I wasn't

I could never get back that blissfully ignorant attitude towards pregnancy or fertility... or anythng related with my body.

I agree that the knowledge and awareness has made me healthier all around. I eat well, keep a BMI no more than 21. I also feel like a more empathetic person, well rounded and thankful.

[fromustobaby]

I'm so sorry they responded in that way when you were being so kind...I cant believe that the one woman sid that to you...

I do feel that way all the time...
I was talking to a friend of mine who is 39 a few months ago, and was thinking of starting to try for a family...I recommended that she see an OB (at least) to help out (and opened up that I had to do so to get Kaiden), and her reply was that her family was really fertile and she'd have no problem getting pregnant...ummm, she still isnt pregnant...

It is terrible when someone really wants the baby so bad, and thinks of any reason why...there was a girl in my last DDC (where I lost my baby as well) who was super sweet and super hopefully, but she very obviously had a blighted ovum, but she got U/Ss from 6 weeks and on...just waiting and waiting for the H/B to show up all the way through 10 weeks cause her HCG was still going up a little...finally at 10 weeks, the HCG stopped climbing and the doctor broke it to her that it was a BO...

The worst is my BIL, who is marrying a woman who is 47...he was saying that they were going to start trying for a baby now...so, I asked if they would be seeing an RE (again explaining how I had done so), and his response is that they had talked to her OB and since she had regular cycles, she should have no trouble conceivingso they would try FOR A FEW YEARS by themselves - huh? Oh, and mentioned John Travoltas wife who had a baby at 48, and how people had babies all the way into their 50s... it blows my mind how uninformed they are...

Since learning about TTC, my advice to people is to start early (30 at the most - of course it is a given that they are married or want to have kids) and that if they are having trouble, get help now (because a few years from now, it might be too late - expecially if they are older)...it is definitely something I never knew before TTC...

[wishfulgal]

Yes. I know I'm not an expert, but due to my experiences I do feel that I know alot more about fertility and my body than the average woman. Oddly, although I am "fertility-challenged" I have alot more fertility knowledge than my super fertile friends who have never had to even think about it. I've had friends who found out we were having trouble getting pregnant who have said, "Oh, do you have really irregular periods?" As if that is the only thing that could possibly be wrong with us (Wrong- my cycles are quite regular, but DH's sperm are not.)


I'm sorry your friend was so insensitive. When people act like they think MA is going against God's will, I want to ask them if they also think it's against God's will to treat diabetes? Arthritis? Cancer? Where do you draw the line. If your body isn't working right, and God has allowed modern medicine to find treatment, I'm not sure why infertility is the one disease we are just supposed to live with.

I get nervous for people when they get married and want to wait a few years before trying to get pregnant. I know it is NONE of my business, and I even understand their reasons. It's just that nobody knows if they are going to be fertile or not. Heck, we had one child fairly easily (6 months of marriage/ TTC) and now can't have #2 to save our lives, so I even get nervous when people assume that one healthy pregnancy automatically means they can have more. If we had waited to try to have children, we might not have our son. I also find myself diagnosing others. And myself at times. It has gotten me in a bit of trouble from time to time

[*Melissa*]

I hear ya. I am glad I am not the only one...

Yeah the whole God vs Science thing almost cracks me up. If you realy think about it, and really take it into perspective it is so ridiculous. I mean if God truly based blessings (such as health and babies) on your merrits as a human being or child of God, why on Earth are there so many heathly, rich, sinful people. Why are there teens, drug addicts, bad parents who get pregnant every day?

If you're going to believe vaccines are ok, or antibiotics are okay, cancer treatment, setting broken bones, pain killers etc... Then what makes treating infertility any different?

If you DO believe in God, and the Bible, then you should know that this isn't the world He intended for us. Adam and Eve screwed that up a long time ago, so now we live in a world that is BROKEN. Bad things happen to good people every day, and it does NOT mean He is punishing them. It is simple cause and effect.

Sorry about my mini rant. It is something that clearly irritates me

[KMH]

Amen, Melissa! I totally agree with you.

P.S. Claire is going to be a Bee for Halloween

[JessicaW]

I agree, Melissa. We don't let cancer patients just die so why should infertile people go without treatment? And it could be possible that infertility challenges us such that when we do get a child, we are particularly thankful for that child, and that child is particularly valued, whereas fertile people who can have a child every year may not be reminded as much what a blessing each child is? Hard to say.

[*Melissa*]

Originally Posted by KMH

Amen, Melissa! I totally agree with you.

P.S. Claire is going to be a Bee for Halloween

OH MY GOODNESS, I totally thought about buying Ronan a little BEE costume today, he LOVES bees!!! If I do, we should swap pics

[EmptyWomb]

It amazes me how much women do not REALLY know about TTC or conception...

For Example:

I had a friend that stated she was pregnant. She has just found out and I asked how far a long she was.. she stated, " i am one week pregnant".. I just laughed and HAD TO EXPLAIN to her that she would have to be at least 4 weeks pregnant in order to get a positive HPT...

I agree with you Melissa about the God vs. Science thing... God helped individuals develop vaccines and such for the greater good in my opinion.

[*JenJen*]

On the plus side though, my fertility knowledge and struggle has taught a few people a lot more. My BFF got pregnant with her first as an oopsie-her first week on a new BC and she had bronchitis, and got pregnant. This was right near the beginning of our journey.

She's been there for me every step of the way along the journey, and they had a narrow window to TTC #2, and because of what she'd learned from me, they went BC free when her first was 18 months, and charted to avoid and the charted to conceive for their second. We're hoping to be due together this year.

[KMH]

That's true, too, Jen.

I was at a playdate a few weeks ago, and there was a new girl there without a child. Between a few comments that she made and a few comments made by the friend that brought her, I was able to make a good guess that she and her DH were struggling to conceive. When she was within earshot, I found a way to work it into the conversation that Claire was an IVF baby. Sure enough, she approached me as we were leaving and asked if she could talk to me about our experience...she's doing her first IUI cycle soon!

[*JenJen*]

Melissa, that's hwat happened with a friend of mine locally. Everyone was talking at work about babies and pregnancy and we were both not contributing anything and giving the look of "getmeawayfromhererightnow" and ended up talking later. We see the same RE and only live a block from each other, its been great. She actually was the one who gave me my trigger this cycle, cause DH was too chicken.

[WrightWife]

I have a friend who knew we were TTC and she was as well. After months of neither of us getting pregnant she kept whining about how it wasn't working. I asked her if she was charting, opks, timed intercourse, etc. and she looked at me like I was crazy. Every time she got her period she would say "I don't know why it didn't work" and I would again tell her you can't just have sex whenever, there are only a few fertile hours in a cycle. this was our conversation every single month. She knew I was ttcma and then kept saying just because I needed medical help, doesn't mean everyone does. I finally gave up trying to help her understand why she wasn't getting pregnant and left it alone. I have realized that not everyone wants to know as much as we do, nor do they want to take charge of their fertility. I guess if you are told how "easy" it is to get pregnant for so long you become blissfully unaware of the other possibilities out there. The funny part of it all? Now that I am pregnant she all of a sudden wants to know EVERYTHING about our ttc journey, not that she listens to any of the advice anyway! Some days I wish I didn't know this much, just had sex and BOOM had a baby.

[KDD]

*Lurking & jumping in*

I have a friend who had a surprise pregnancy last year. She was on metformin for Type 2 diabetes and was ticked that the Dr. never told her it was a fertility drug. I calmly explained to her that it was not a fertility drug, but is often used to treat women with PCOS and can help them to conceive. I think she was a little annoyed that I took away her excuse for having a 3rd unplanned pregnancy!